Can't understand why this has happened

[ShadowIntheNight]

I found this email from my uBPDexgf from 10/2011. Apparently she did something that bothered me to the point of not speaking to her for a few days. This was several months after we had started up again after a major break where we reconciled. We were split up for about 4 months and were only out of contact for about 1 of those months. This time we have been split up almost nine months and have had no real communication since she faded on me last July. I can't understand it. I have no idea even now why she is gone. She didn't give an explanation last year. She just faded away after 9.5 years with no reason other than she and her kids were "going down a different path." There was no "final breakup," no argument, nothing. I had zero idea this was coming, and zero say in keeping it together. She just ended it with nothing. Has anyone ever experienced this? Here's the email.


""I've been thinking about you alot these past few days now that I'm done with the project. I called you on friday night and left you a voice message. I know I don't expect much from you in the way of understanding but I guess I felt the need to try anyway. I am sorry for being short temper, rude and insentive to your feelings. I am thoughtless often to your feelings.  I miss talking with you very much and miss you in general.  I hope you have been doing well. I went to the Apple Store at the mall this afternoon to go into the Apple store to get new ipod ear buds. I stopped at the Aveda store on the way back to the car. The smell of Rosemary Mint reminds me of you so I went in and bought travel size bottle of that shampoo and conditioner.  Also, some body soap.  I guess I got it more to remind me of you.  Sorry again for being a b___ to you. You don't deserve any of it. Hope we can reconcile and talk as long time friends. I do miss you ShadowintheNight and so do the kids.   love, ¥€&"

As you can see, it's clear she knows when she screws up, and that she misses me when I'm gone. So why hasn't she missed me now? Anyone? And don't tell me her new companion is making her happier than she's ever been. I already believe that so much it hurts to breathe.

Thanks for reading.

[fromheeltoheal]

Do you really know she doesn't miss you?  I left my ex a little while after the pain of staying got greater than the pain of leaving, and I missed her for a long time, although I stayed away because it never would have worked and she could never meet my needs.  But I still missed her, at least the fantasy of her.

Of course with borderlines, folks with intense emotions they have trouble regulating, the tools, the defense mechanisms, need to be equally intense, meaning she gets very good at shifting her focus away from you so strongly that you don't exist at all, it's not malicious necessarily, it's survival.  And if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, the other guy will experience the same cycle you did; he will be awesome until he's a scumbag, the only way she can deal with the emotions; everyone loses, only the disorder wins.

[Mutt]

Hi ShadowOfTheNight,

I think the difference is you were split for 4 months and were talking for most of it? A pwBPD lack object constancy and that's likely why she picked up the product at the Aveda Store? Was she working out of town she mentions a project or living separately? I'm guessing you were apart because of the lack of object constancy.

Was there a third person in the picture during that break? That could be the reason why she hasn't say sorry for her bad behaviors like the message from 10/2011 as harsh as that sounds. I'm sorry.

[search4peace]

Mutt,

Are you suggesting the she bought the Aveda product deliberately to keep her memory/connection with him alive in some way?  Wouldn't that contradict the abrupt BPD style of detachment/painting her ex black, etc.?  Or not?

I ask b/c my uBPDexgf asked me via email, 2mo after I initiated N/C, to send some photos of my overseas trip to her 7yo son, claiming it would be "helpful" for him (why she didn't say). Your comment makes me wonder now whether she was really asking for herself - maybe not for the photos per se, but maybe asking simply to see if I would comply to validate that she still has "control".

Like so many other things about her and our 3yr r/s, I am left to wonder without closure or resolution... .

[confusedinWI]

I think some do. I know that one of my sweatshirts she took when we broke up and I moved out. The only time I checked her Facebook page I saw a photo of her and my replacement and my ex gf, in the picture with new man, was wearing the necklace I gave her on our first Christmas together, and she still had a picture of her and I up on her facebook wall

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi ShadowOfTheNight,

I think the difference is you were split for 4 months and were talking for most of it? A pwBPD lack object constancy and that's likely why she picked up the product at the Aveda Store? Was she working out of town she mentions a project or living separately? I'm guessing you were apart because of the lack of object constancy.

Was there a third person in the picture during that break? That could be the reason why she hasn't say sorry for her bad behaviors like the message from 10/2011 as harsh as that sounds. I'm sorry.

This email was not during the four month split. That happened a year and a half earlier. We did not live together nor in the same town. But yes, she had been busy with a conference At that time. We obviously had had a falling out, that I don't even remember, and it led to her abject apology. Interesting about the aveda stuff. I think you're saying b/c we had the falling out she wanted to feel closer to me (even tho she clearly had created the situation, yet again) and that was her way to do it?

I suspect there is a person in the picture now. She was actually "dating" men during our 4 month break but we stayed in communication, and frequently. That hasn't happened now. But still, even if there is someone, I don't know how she hasn't missed me to the point of even saying "kiss my rear" after 9.5 years. I mean gleaning from this email, you'd have thought she'd creep around somehow. And in all fairness, I have had hang up phone calls. We don't FB, never have. Quite the waste, so there's none of that play stuff going on between us.

BTW,  We are a same sex couple. I am not a man, never have been. Don't assume all these posts are written about male/female couples. This isn't directed at you Mutt, just for reference for anyone else who might read this in the future.

[Trog]

Do you really know she doesn't miss you?  I left my ex a little while after the pain of staying got greater than the pain of leaving, and I missed her for a long time, although I stayed away because it never would have worked and she could never meet my needs.  But I still missed her, at least the fantasy of her.

Of course with borderlines, folks with intense emotions they have trouble regulating, the tools, the defense mechanisms, need to be equally intense, meaning she gets very good at shifting her focus away from you so strongly that you don't exist at all, it's not malicious necessarily, it's survival.  And if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, the other guy will experience the same cycle you did; he will be awesome until he's a scumbag, the only way she can deal with the emotions; everyone loses, only the disorder wins.

I'm sure she does miss you everyday in some way or another. But you can miss, and sometimes even love a person and still CHOOSE not to be with that person or participate in the way they love especially if it makes you feel bad.

Both myself and my ex now choose not to be together, we tried, it didn't work. I wish she was different, she wishes I could cope better with her illness, but she won't be different and we all deserve to be loved in a way that does not belittle or hurt us.

Like he says, until the BPD is faced, she is doomed to keep repeating the same patterns by wife does. It's ultra highlighted with her, she also has a psychotic illness, it denies itself, so she comes off the meds and winds up back in a mental home after becoming psychotic again. In one way this makes my break up a bit simpler and easier than pure BPD as her illness is plain to see (to everyone except her of course)

[ShadowIntheNight]

Do you really know she doesn't miss you?  I left my ex a little while after the pain of staying got greater than the pain of leaving, and I missed her for a long time, although I stayed away because it never would have worked and she could never meet my needs.  But I still missed her, at least the fantasy of her.

Of course with borderlines, folks with intense emotions they have trouble regulating, the tools, the defense mechanisms, need to be equally intense, meaning she gets very good at shifting her focus away from you so strongly that you don't exist at all, it's not malicious necessarily, it's survival.  And if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, the other guy will experience the same cycle you did; he will be awesome until he's a scumbag, the only way she can deal with the emotions; everyone loses, only the disorder wins.

I'm sure she does miss you everyday in some way or another. But you can miss, and sometimes even love a person and still CHOOSE not to be with that person or participate in the way they love especially if it makes you feel bad.

Both myself and my ex now choose not to be together, we tried, it didn't work. I wish she was different, she wishes I could cope better with her illness, but she won't be different and we all deserve to be loved in a way that does not belittle or hurt us.

Like he says, until the BPD is faced, she is doomed to keep repeating the same patterns by wife does. It's ultra highlighted with her, she also has a psychotic illness, it denies itself, so she comes off the meds and winds up back in a mental home after becoming psychotic again. In one way this makes my break up a bit simpler and easier than pure BPD as her illness is plain to see (to everyone except her of course)

Thanks Trog. I understand when there's a mutual decision. But as I said this wasn't mutual. She just left out of the blue. There were no fights. No I've had its, nothing. I had no idea she was bothered by something (and I feel fairly sure it had nothing to do with me or she would have said). She just left. Literally faded away. We rarely fought. And when we did, it wasn't an argument, it was a discussion. So I am serious when I say I have no idea why she is gone. I have suspicions, but they are all just best guesses.

I know people grow apart. I know they change. But when you have no explanation and none is given, it leaves a gaping wound.

[Trog]

Do you really know she doesn't miss you?  I left my ex a little while after the pain of staying got greater than the pain of leaving, and I missed her for a long time, although I stayed away because it never would have worked and she could never meet my needs.  But I still missed her, at least the fantasy of her.

Of course with borderlines, folks with intense emotions they have trouble regulating, the tools, the defense mechanisms, need to be equally intense, meaning she gets very good at shifting her focus away from you so strongly that you don't exist at all, it's not malicious necessarily, it's survival.  And if she does exhibit traits of the disorder, the other guy will experience the same cycle you did; he will be awesome until he's a scumbag, the only way she can deal with the emotions; everyone loses, only the disorder wins.

I'm sure she does miss you everyday in some way or another. But you can miss, and sometimes even love a person and still CHOOSE not to be with that person or participate in the way they love especially if it makes you feel bad.

Both myself and my ex now choose not to be together, we tried, it didn't work. I wish she was different, she wishes I could cope better with her illness, but she won't be different and we all deserve to be loved in a way that does not belittle or hurt us.

Like he says, until the BPD is faced, she is doomed to keep repeating the same patterns by wife does. It's ultra highlighted with her, she also has a psychotic illness, it denies itself, so she comes off the meds and winds up back in a mental home after becoming psychotic again. In one way this makes my break up a bit simpler and easier than pure BPD as her illness is plain to see (to everyone except her of course)

Thanks Trog. I understand when there's a mutual decision. But as I said this wasn't mutual. She just left out of the blue. There were no fights. No I've had its, nothing. I had no idea she was bothered by something (and I feel fairly sure it had nothing to do with me or she would have said). She just left. Literally faded away. We rarely fought. And when we did, it wasn't an argument, it was a discussion. So I am serious when I say I have no idea why she is gone. I have suspicions, but they are all just best guesses.

I know people grow apart. I know they change. But when you have no explanation and none is given, it leaves a gaping wound.

Sorry, maybe in was confusing in the world choice. I left my ex against her will a year ago, she tried to recycle me numerous times, but I know deep down her real choice is not to be with me because she made no effort in our relationship. It was all words. She may not realise she made that choice but as far as I'm concerned if you make the choice not to show me respect, you also make the choice not to be with me, whether you understand you made that choice or not. That is not her truth, but it's mine.

I am sorry your partner left you without explanation, that's unfair and cruel. However, the fact that it is unfair and cruel... .Can't this be the reason? You wouldn't want to be with a person who can abandon you like that would you? It's unforgivable of her and I'm sorry you have faced this, it's very difficult and will stir up all kinds of feelings for you.

[Infared]

Hi ShadowOfTheNight,

I think the difference is you were split for 4 months and were talking for most of it? A pwBPD lack object constancy and that's likely why she picked up the product at the Aveda Store? Was she working out of town she mentions a project or living separately? I'm guessing you were apart because of the lack of object constancy.

Was there a third person in the picture during that break? That could be the reason why she hasn't say sorry for her bad behaviors like the message from 10/2011 as harsh as that sounds. I'm sorry.

This email was not during the four month split. That happened a year and a half earlier. We did not live together nor in the same town. But yes, she had been busy with a conference At that time. We obviously had had a falling out, that I don't even remember, and it led to her abject apology. Interesting about the aveda stuff. I think you're saying b/c we had the falling out she wanted to feel closer to me (even tho she clearly had created the situation, yet again) and that was her way to do it?

I suspect there is a person in the picture now. She was actually "dating" men during our 4 month break but we stayed in communication, and frequently. That hasn't happened now. But still, even if there is someone, I don't know how she hasn't missed me to the point of even saying "kiss my rear" after 9.5 years. I mean gleaning from this email, you'd have thought she'd creep around somehow. And in all fairness, I have had hang up phone calls. We don't FB, never have. Quite the waste, so there's none of that play stuff going on between us.

BTW,  We are a same sex couple. I am not a man, never have been. Don't assume all these posts are written about male/female couples. This isn't directed at you Mutt, just for reference for anyone else who might read this in the future.

(Just trying to be helpful)

There is a gender box on your profile page that you can check to display with your name so then posters would have no confusion about the gender identities in your relationship... .