FOG and limited contact- need some support

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I initiated limited contact (once a month via phone) with my waif type BPD mom about 6 months ago.  This is a major shift from nearly daily contact in the past.  For me, it has been liberating and has been helpful for my mental health.  However, she is having a hard time accepting this boundary.  In the past I have used a more indirect approach like "I'm too busy to talk more" but she is still pushing so I sent a more direct email today about why we are not having as much contact.  I feel like I was straightforward without being angry etc.  I feel a lot of guilt now that I am going to hurt her feelings and she will be sad.  The FOG is strong.  How do I let her feelings be hers and just hold on to my own truth- that less contact is better for me (and possibly her too.)

[Finding Courage]

So I initiated limited contact (once a month via phone) with my waif type BPD mom about 6 months ago.  This is a major shift from nearly daily contact in the past.  For me, it has been liberating and has been helpful for my mental health.  However, she is having a hard time accepting this boundary.  In the past I have used a more indirect approach like "I'm too busy to talk more" but she is still pushing so I sent a more direct email today about why we are not having as much contact.  I feel like I was straightforward without being angry etc.  I feel a lot of guilt now that I am going to hurt her feelings and she will be sad.  The FOG is strong.  How do I let her feelings be hers and just hold on to my own truth- that less contact is better for me (and possibly her too.)

[claudiaduffy]

I'm so glad you found the courage to do what you felt needed to be done! Please be kind to yourself. Maybe it can help to talk to yourself - out loud - as if you were a dear friend that needed support. You might tell yourself things like,

"Giving in to your mother's wishes has not made either of your lives happy in the past. It wouldn't now, either."

"You finally have space to nurture yourself as your mother has been unable to nurture you."

"It is okay not to sacrifice your life for your mother's twisted desires."

"You have honored your mother's autonomy and adulthood by being direct with her and allowing her to operate on her own. If you capitulate on this and try to fix the negative feelings she has, you would actually be taking away from her right to her own personhood. You each need to be your own person, bearing full responsibility for your own feelings. You have not been cruel to your mother. You have given her the gift of directness. Now, you can handle your own sadness, and she can handle hers."

I hope you can see above the FOG and to the stars tonight. Take some deep breaths and trust yourself.

[Finding Courage]

Thank you so much for your reply.  Those statements are so true and exactly what I needed.  I feel a little better than earlier.  I have to remember that my well being and health must come first and, while I don't want to hurt her feelings, it isn't my job to take care of her OVER my needs.  And I have a lifetime of reasons to need less contact with her.