Things are looking up

[Jessica84]

I've noticed my uBDbf has stopped hitting my hot buttons that no longer draw a reaction from me. We seem to be getting off the emotional rollercoaster... .or at least, the ride isn't quite as bumpy!

I used to think that pwBPD expected us to be "perfect" or not have feelings. That's what made me so anxious - fear of not saying/doing the right thing - at the right time - all the time. I hated that anxious, hysterical out of control feeling and walking on eggshells that one wrong move meant losing him.

I'm starting to think maybe it's more about trust and them needing someone strong enough to handle them at their worst? Not perfect, but not falling apart either. They can't trust someone who is too much like them (out of control) so they test our emotional strength by triggering us - to see if we are "safe", trustworthy. If we react badly too often, it proves their point - that we cannot be trusted to weather the storms. If we pass, they may keep pushing the same buttons until they wear themselves out and we slowly gain their trust.

I don't think pwBPD do any of this consciously or maliciously - or that it's a game or purposeful manipulation on their part, even though it has felt that way.

Now instead of going psycho like I used to, I try to look for what's behind it and validate him. If I can't, I leave or hang up. He hated this at first - kept trying to escalate fights and blowouts, but I wouldn't play along anymore. Slowly he's stopped pulling the triggers. I still gotta check myself - a lot! I found most of my reactions were out of fear. Once I let go of fear of losing him my life got easier.

Part of me thought he'd get bored without the drama and go find someone else, but the other part didn't care. I couldn't take it anymore. But the opposite has happened. He's much more thoughtful, patient, and even handles our little conflicts better. He wants to spend more time together, shares his feelings more. It's like Mr. Hyde went into hiding and I got Jeckyl back! We still have our bumps in the road, but the ride is getting smoother!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

Wow how encouraging. Please keep posting. My relationship is over but I have family members with traits and I want to work on my own BPD traits and be healthier. So please please keep posting.

[misuniadziubek]

I've noticed my uBDbf has stopped hitting my hot buttons that no longer draw a reaction from me. We seem to be getting off the emotional rollercoaster... .or at least, the ride isn't quite as bumpy!

I used to think that pwBPD expected us to be "perfect" or not have feelings. That's what made me so anxious - fear of not saying/doing the right thing - at the right time - all the time. I hated that anxious, hysterical out of control feeling and walking on eggshells that one wrong move meant losing him.

I'm starting to think maybe it's more about trust and them needing someone strong enough to handle them at their worst? Not perfect, but not falling apart either. They can't trust someone who is too much like them (out of control) so they test our emotional strength by triggering us - to see if we are "safe", trustworthy. If we react badly too often, it proves their point - that we cannot be trusted to weather the storms. If we pass, they may keep pushing the same buttons until they wear themselves out and we slowly gain their trust.

I don't think pwBPD do any of this consciously or maliciously - or that it's a game or purposeful manipulation on their part, even though it has felt that way.

Now instead of going psycho like I used to, I try to look for what's behind it and validate him. If I can't, I leave or hang up. He hated this at first - kept trying to escalate fights and blowouts, but I wouldn't play along anymore. Slowly he's stopped pulling the triggers. I still gotta check myself - a lot! I found most of my reactions were out of fear. Once I let go of fear of losing him my life got easier.

Part of me thought he'd get bored without the drama and go find someone else, but the other part didn't care. I couldn't take it anymore. But the opposite has happened. He's much more thoughtful, patient, and even handles our little conflicts better. He wants to spend more time together, shares his feelings more. It's like Mr. Hyde went into hiding and I got Jeckyl back! We still have our bumps in the road, but the ride is getting smoother!

Well you've stolen the post I was gonna write. Right out of my brain.

Thanks :P

I've been through almost exactly this. At one point, my partner got drunk and told me that he felt no more passion for me, and I simply accepted it. Stopped being so scared of losing him and suddenly things started getting better. He was calmer. Tested me less often. Expressed appreciation towards me more often.

He's almost at the point where he validates "MY FEELINGS". And recently he has expressed gratitude that he has me in his life. Because no one has ever been willing to put up with him for this long. That I love him through both the good and the bad moments. That he's often afraid of losing me. We are having deep conversation and heart to hearts.

There's some fights too, but we still stop to tell each other we love each other amidst it. And he expressed that when he's overwhelmed he needs to walk away and I validated that need.

At times this relationship feels... .*Crosses fingers to not jinx self* healthy... .Like the sort normal people have. O.O

[formflier]

 

Great post!  Thanks for sharing the good news.

From time to time... .they may come back and push the button again... ."just checking... ."

I got "checked" last night... .going to post about it here in a bit.

FF

[Stalwart]

Wow Jessica and Mis that's great for both of you and wish you continued success with ;sticking to your guns without having to use them.;

I know that the combination of both things you have mentioned is what cleared the trail to find a better path for my wife and I. Learning enough to be able to empathize with the hidden triggers and feeling and recognize them when they were beginning to present themselves allowed me to be proactive in managing situations prior to getting to the top of the rollercoaster and then having the kaos of going over the other side.

Like you said Jessica, it's a difficult and sometimes long task; but gaining their trust so they can feel more comfortable with both their interactions and yours I found so absolutely necessary to head toward a better relationship. That's a task made far more difficult when constantly faced with negatives like : I don't know why you would stay or love me - I don't deserve it - but I'm glad you do." A lot of self-doubt, past experiences, guilt and self-loathing that has to somehow be breeched and set aside out of their minds (if not for short periods for them to see through the clouds.) A difficult job for them after a lifetime  of creating negative interactions and equally difficult for us to put our past behind us to make better opportunities going forward.

In my case, it's been a surmountable, arduous but totally committed task and really challenging to stay on that same course and not waiver, but worth every moment maneuvering the temporary set backs and challenges to get to where we are together today.

She's finally been able to at least embrace that trust of being her rock and not just another gravel slide she feels she's trying to traverse on the edge of.

I'm really happy for both of you and that you're both going forward and see a brighter path that both of you can walk on.  Now I focus more on creating object constancy in her thinking to maintain that better place of trust.

Great and inspiring posts folks... .

[Jessica84]

Thanks for all the encouragement. It's been the roughest ride of my life - I've been the target of angry rages, accusations, name calling, push/pull, jealousy, suicidal threats, on/off like a light switch, discarded, replaced, returned... .this all led to insecurities surfacing from my childhood, increased anxiety, paranoia, self-doubt, problems with my job, my friends and family. I had so many What the heck moments I thought I was going insane - went to see a therapist who told me I had "emotional OCD" (sounded completely made up!). T told me I was trying to feel the correct emotion, rather than feeling my real emotions. Maybe... .or maybe I was being mind-f**ked by a mentally ill man?

His weird behaviors showed up early in our relationship, but we did well the first year. I didn't allow the idealization phase to linger because it felt uncomfortable (and unnatural) being on a "pedestal". When he first painted me black, I remember getting up and leaving without a fight. I didn't engage in "text wars". I wasn't used to drama so my boundaries were much better then. Slowly he eroded them - in many cases completely erased my "lines in the sand". My fault really - I didn't understand what was happening at the time and got swept up into chaos.

Confused and lost about a year ago I stumbled across a book called "Walking on Eggshells" at the book store. I immediately bought it - having completely missed the subtitle that it was about dealing with borderline personality disorder!

A LOT of breakups and several books on BPD later... .I'm going back to the beginning - remembering my original values and boundaries and reinstating them, only with healthy doses of validation this time. Long way to go. Still in "recovery" mode trying to forgive the past and let go of the fears and resentments.

[formflier]

 

 

Interesting what the T said about your emotions... .

Here is my take... .pay attention to whatever you are feeling... .and if there is a disconnect between what you are feeling... .and what you "think" you should feel in a situation like this... .

That is good topic to discuss with T... .and pay attention to.

Doesn't mean something is "wrong"... .just a place to focus some energy and time... .until you understand it.

FF

[Jessica84]

I was diagnosed with OCD ages ago. I've had it since I was 6 - when I was caught cleaning the bathroom stalls at restaurants. Not diagnosed until my 20s but made a lot of progress since then. Went back in late 30s to a therapist who thought I may have turned it inward. From being "perfect" on the outside to being "perfect" on the inside.

I do try to read situations carefully to know the right responses, then try to align my feelings with them.

Maybe this is a bad example but one I've actually discussed in therapy. When I had a friend tell me she was pregnant (I never wanted kids, but knew she did) my initial gut reaction was one of horror (Dear God. Another baby?). But I knew the socially correct response was Congrats! Because SHE was excited about it (now smile and pretend to be happy)... .and then, I *was* happy for my friend. T told me this is "conditioning your feelings". Not exactly clear on what he meant, but I think my response was proper... .even if it didn't match my first feeling.

[misuniadziubek]

Maybe this is a bad example but one I've actually discussed in therapy. When I had a friend tell me she was pregnant (I never wanted kids, but knew she did) my initial gut reaction was one of horror (Dear God. Another baby?). But I knew the socially correct response was Congrats! Because SHE was excited about it (now smile and pretend to be happy)... .and then, I *was* happy for my friend. T told me this is "conditioning your feelings". Not exactly clear on what he meant, but I think my response was proper... .even if it didn't match my first feeling.

I don't know. I think that it's actually a good response. If your friend is happy about the news, then you express happiness for them. It doens't really matter so much how you feel about it. You are allowed to question her if this is what she wants, but your original reaction ":)ear god, another baby" might be taken the wrong way and perhaps invalidating of the mother to be's feelings.

You original reaction reminds me of something my mother or NPD aunt would say. Zero consideration to what I feel, it's all about what they feel.

Don't we all condition our feelings to make the people around us more satisfied by our presence?

If on the other hand, the mother to be asks you, "What are your feelings on the topic" you are allowed to express your opinion. I completely believe you had/have OCD. but perhaps your theorized 'emotional ocd' might be applicable in another situation.

In the end, the real question is... .do you feel you have emotional OCD?

Confused and lost about a year ago I stumbled across a book called "Walking on Eggshells" at the book store. I immediately bought it - having completely missed the subtitle that it was about dealing with borderline personality disorder!

A LOT of breakups and several books on BPD later... .I'm going back to the beginning - remembering my original values and boundaries and reinstating them, only with healthy doses of validation this time. Long way to go. Still in "recovery" mode trying to forgive the past and let go of the fears and resentments.

Walking on eggshells was my first book that opened my eyes as well. And I think it directed me online so I found this place.

On the other hand, in my case, it's not about remembering original values and boundaries. It's establishing them for myself in the first place. A life-long people pleaser, I took on whatever values those around me had and had zero boundaries. My pwBPD is the first person who questioned that in me and helped me develop it, though at first I just wanted to adopt his. :P Codependancy... .at its worst.

[Jessica84]

Mis - Thanks for the insights! I used to be a people pleaser too. The key to developing/understanding your values is to listen to your body. Seriously. This is true in every sense of your health - physical and emotional. If you crave carrots, eat them - you need Vitamin A. If you feel uneasy or anxious in a situation, work through it until you feel comfortable, or leave - you're in stress mode and need to fight or flight.

The problems come when we ignore the cues our bodies are telling us. When someone is coming close to crossing a boundary, in a sense they are about to violate a value you hold sacred. This is troubling and you can feel it because I guarantee your body is alerting you in some way. Pay attention to that and use it to protect yourself. Boundaries are not meant to control other people, but to protect you. You'll know your values and what to protect if you listen to yourself -- not others! They aren't feeling what you are. All those uneasy, queasy, frightening or painful feelings are YOUR signals and give you the opportunity to make healthy decisions. Don't ignore them.

I made the mistake of allowing a pwBPD to run over my boundaries and alter my values to fit his inconsistent nature. It never felt right, but there was always a grain of truth to what he said so it caused me to question and doubt myself. Am I being too rigid? Should I give him another chance? Did I overreact? Am I really a horrible person? maybe, maybe, maybe, no.

Never met anyone who tested my boundaries to this degree... .and so, I lost them. I forgot what I valued and was left twisting in the wind. Tolerating horrific behaviors. So now, when something doesn't feel right to me, I pause and listen to my inner self. I protect her now.

Being yelled at is scary and violating. I don't like it. My body is saying run! I calm my body down, tell myself "it's ok, body... .I'm going to ask him to stop yelling. If he doesn't I will leave. I got your back!"

Pre-boundary response: get yelled at and suffer inside.

Being accused of something I didn't do is like being called a liar. I value honesty. So calling me a liar is an affront to my values. "Relax dear body, I know you're honest. He has an illness and can't help himself. He's scared and needs comfort. Isn't he cute getting angry over nothing? Let's let this one go. OR-- let's state our truth ONCE. He can accept it or not."

Pre-boundary response: argue with him or doubt myself and feel like a no-good liar.

[Stalwart]

Hey Jessica; Great read and so inspiring for all of us.

You know I read through this Jessica and honestly, for all the questioning and worries of self-impairments I really see someone who seems to know themselves really well. What I see is a person who has her heart and her head set firmly on the compass point in a fantastic personal direction. That’s really admirable Jessica.

You wrote "T told me this is "conditioning your feelings". I think it’s perfectly normal that a person would automatically in some cases relate others experiences into how they would feel if it were them. That’s as natural as processing the thought path of empathy or understanding for another person situation but hey first thought is “Glad it’s not me.”

I moved to a new area to so some work for another group and I know everyone there as an acquaintance. Now that I’m there I’m starting to learn a little more about everyone on a more personal basis. I’m a bit challenged with that because for some reason guys seem to confide in me where they wouldn’t with other. I guess they trust me and I’m never negatively judgmental.

There’s a sixty year old guy who sits right behind me. I said “Hey Mike I saw you with two little guys at McDonald’s as I passed by, are they your grandchildren?” He began to tell me that 6 years ago when he was single he married a girl 14 years younger than him and we had to kids, then the marriage kind of petered away. We’re divorced, but we get along and share the kids really well. I get them every second week. Nope, they’re were my two boys. You could see the love in his eyes when he mentioned his boys. You could also feel the shield go up on expected judgement.

My first inward instinct “ ARE YOU F’N CRAZY. MARRIED SOMEONE 14 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU. YOU’RE SIXTY DIVORCED AND YOU HAVE TWO PRIMARY GRADE SCHOOL KIDS!”

I so loved and still do love both my daughters and all five grandkids I have. I’m a real hands on grandfather and they’re everything to me but I SURE DIDN’T WANT ANYMORE AFTER THOSE TWO. So I felt a lot like you did about kids in the equations and reacted exactly like you did. I smiled and said “Great for you Mike you could sure tell those two little guys were well loved when I saw them with you the other night.” He just beamed. Then came the barrage of kid stories…………….

Sounds to me considering all the trials of the past and those that still probably remain you’ve come through it all with shining colours Jessica. I’m really happy for you that you’re on a path you value and have done so well.

[Jessica84]

Interesting, Stalwart. Open people must attract people who need to open up.    It's great that people find you so inviting and non-judgmental.

By the way I'm not anti-children. For OTHER people. 

Thank you for your kind words. I don't know if I've come through with shining colors. I have the same battle scars most everyone here has. My mother used to tell me: "If you can't change a situation, change the way you let it affect you." I didn't have the first clue how to do that as a child. Everything affected me. So I set firm boundaries all around me, like a barbed-wire fence surrounding a prison! I have OCPD, which overlaps with OCD. One of the traits is rigid, un-flexible, practically impossible standards - both for myself and everyone else. MY way is the right way. In fact, it's the ONLY way. Opposite of codependent. I also had a soft side with heaping amounts of compassion, but I doled it out selectively.

So it really surprises me to find myself in a r/s with a BP - someone known to push boundaries with behaviors that are not "right". Everything was a shock and rattled me, but his warped logic was convincing and believable. I became a weak little jellyfish bending to his whims. How did I let that happen? It must've been super gradual because my red flags used to go up pretty fast, often prematurely! "Nope. You're not right in the head. Move along." One good thing that's come of this is I'm less judgmental, eased up on unrealistic expectations, lowered my guard even if I got hurt, saw things from a different point of view. Still a work in progress but slowly, I'm less and less affected by his behaviors, with the occasional flare-up. I can't change him, but I can change how I let him affect me.