not going to parent the coparent

[rarsweet]

Ex hasn't come to any of daughters developmental assessments. On April 24th I emailed him saying her next one is may 27th, and invited him. He said thank you. On April 29th I emailed him about a program for baby eye exams. He responded that that was a good thing, he was curious about her " super eye sight". I found a provider and set up an appointment for may 28th. I of course emailed him with the info. I am struggling to not email him and remind him as those days are this week. But I wonder if he will no show as usual. His birthday is in 10 days and I have daughter that day. I have emailed him 3 times since February offering to give him the day with her. He has ignored me. So my oldest daughter(previous marriage) has a band concert that day. If he asks for his birthday with daughter at this point, I am saying no she's going to watch her sister perform. I've tried enough.

[Turkish]

Firstly, you offer about the birthday, you did more than enough,.as I did when I offered (verbally the week before) to take the kids' mom out on Mother's Day. She never showed.

Secondly, however, I wonder why you made the eye appointment on his time. Are you testing him?

[rarsweet]

Oh no the eye appointed is when I have her. I just think both of us should be there. In a perfect world I guess.

[livednlearned]

You really can't parent the coparent 

I did the same thing too, in the beginning. My L would tell me over and over that he was an adult, and I was not his mother. It took a while for that to sink in because parenting and appeasing grown men is something I've been trained to do from childhood.

[bravhart1]

It's interesting that some BPDs seem to use the verbiage "I'm a grown up" and yet they are usually showing us at the time they say it how immature they are and how they are expecting us to "parent" them.

It has even been an issue when BPDm is sick she projects her colds to her child (who is clearly not suffering from the cold) then gets mad at DH for not noticing the cold ( um ya cause it's nonexistent ) and then goes on to try to get sympathy for her cold symptoms. Our BPDm even got mad because DH didn't notice she was hoarse at last court hearing. And then related that to his not noticing when kiddo is sick. Don't know if I'm explaining it well but, the bottom line was, she was sick and no one cared so she said kiddo was sick and he was a bad dad. She was clearly the one who wanted the attention and sympathy from dad like a child, so she wanted to basically use dad's concern for his child to her own comfort. It's a pretty twisted parent who tries to use their ex partners as parents and tries to hijack the ex partners love and parenting for themselves. Tricky situation.

[Eco]

Oh no the eye appointed is when I have her. I just think both of us should be there. In a perfect world I guess.

I don't have much advice to give but I wanted to say its nice to see that you're at least trying to include your ex with your daughters life   I appreciate that

My ex refuses to include me in anything and I have to fight to be involved at all. 

[livednlearned]

It has even been an issue when BPDm is sick she projects her colds to her child (who is clearly not suffering from the cold) then gets mad at DH for not noticing the cold ( um ya cause it's nonexistent ) and then goes on to try to get sympathy for her cold symptoms.

S13's psychiatrist told me something about BPD that put this in perspective. He said that people with PDs don't see others as separate from them, they are an extension, and their own children are this to the extreme. This is the root of projections, delusions, psychosis, alienation. The BPD parent externalizes what is emotionally happening inside them, and projects it onto the child. Then, from a distance, can be the "protective" parent to the child, who is just an extension of their own broken, victimized, traumatized child.

Not that it makes it forgivable, just that it helped me understand some of the more psychotic things my ex did. S13 is not, was not a separate, real person to N/BPDx. It also helped explain why boundaries are such a big issue. If other people are an extension of you, then of course boundaries would make no sense, and anything that looks even remotely like a boundary must be destroyed.

[rarsweet]

Eco, it sounds to me like you won't give up. I know its tough, and you are doing a good job. Its like just because we don't get the ideal outcome doesn't give us a reason to not try.

[Eco]

Eco, it sounds to me like you won't give up. I know its tough, and you are doing a good job. Its like just because we don't get the ideal outcome doesn't give us a reason to not try.

Thanks, when it comes to my kids there isn't a option to quit for me. I think you have gone above and beyond trying to have your ex involved in your daughters life.

I don't think you are but you shouldn't feel guilty about your ex not showing up to things you invite him to. I would continue to keep him informed by a single email or text letting him know of the event and leave it at that. Easier said then done I know, im sure you want him involved for your daughters benefit. Its a shame that the kids have to pay the price but you sound like a very good mother so that should go a long way for your daughter.

good luck I hope it gets better for you

[rarsweet]

Well he didn't show up or even ask about today's appointment, let's see what happens tomorrow. And baby girl did amazing, she was sorting logos by color and sorting shapes. Its really too bad he misses this. I am so surprised how well she is doing in this situation.

[rarsweet]

Well daughter had eye exam at 10. Ex texted me at 9:00 and said how is daughter feeling. I don't respond to texts. Well he no showed to her exam. I emailed him after and said" her exam went great, I thought you were coming" he responded " sorry I had allergy issues, that's why I texted you to see how she was feeling, but apperently you don't text back. Glad it went well". His allergies are I guess relevant I don't know.