I am scared and confused. Please help..Complaint for Absolute Divorce

[Godslove]

Hi Everyone... .

It has been one stressful year of separation but happy one year of finally finding myself back with my two lovely children-6 and 7 now.

He and I had been going to marriage counselor on and off for eight years. She has told him that he manipulates, passive aggressive, binge alcoholic. After I told her my decision of separation then my counselor told me he has a BPD.

I did have a rookie lawyer upon separation. My BPD insisted not getting any. I had to pay all the expenses he communicated with my lawyer. However, I did get $1400 child support (giving him $400 discount) from the guide line, 60% of children’s after activities, primary physical custody (He didn't fight for this), shared legal custody with tie breaker after one mediation.  I ended up giving him half of the mutual fund under my name but did not get half of the stock under his name. He bought me out of the house and I got paid ($23000) from the same mutual fund under my name.  I paid the half of two mortgages while he was fixing the house to rent. I didn’t get paid for house rental for four months before my name being removed from mortgage. I am upset but it can be trivial.

Now he has more income from his salary and house rent. I wanted to let go of everything. However, for the past one year, I had enough of him pushing and threatening me around. The more I be flexible, he asks and demands more. I became strong seeing him bringing different women to my children during their visitation but telling me his budget is too tight to contribute for children's after school activities. He didn’t come for children because he says it is not fair that the contract says he is responsible for transportation and it just crushed my children. He wants to switch the weekends casually because he has a vacation to go. He gets mad if I can’t switch no matter how many times I was flexible previously. He didn't bring the kids back to me for mother's day like the contract says. My l sent him a letter about breaching a contract. He sent my l a letter about the history of your client's stubborn behavior and how he gave in everything. This makes him want to renegotiate the things he gave in and any judge will agree with him. This drama cost me $630.

I hired a new lawyer a month ago and filed Complaint for Absolute Divorce for contested divorce last Tuesday. There are some requests I make. Out of all those requests, my primary goal is to get the right amount of child support. However, alimony and retirement, division of other assets have to be resolved. I asked for sole legal custody for his unfitness-drinking and driving, drugs, women. Though honestly I have no hope for it. There are some other requests my l put but I think it is just a formality, eg, the court determine the ownership of all personal or real property which I don’t have any.

Now I broke the news to my aunt and uncle yesterday. BTW they didn’t believe any of what I said. They love my BPD. I became a nagging wife and whatever the BPD did was justified. I do not care what they think. But here is what I became afraid listening to them for 10 hours yesterday. Asking sole custody and other requests will make the BPD so mad, he will counter complaint with more changes in his favor and this war will not end. I know he will not agree to my requests easily nor I expect all of my requests will meet. I made myself clear to my l that other things can be used as negotiating point and I want to resolve things out of court which they agree. If things get worse that I cannot afford, then I thought I can put a stop to it by dropping my requests and go back to the separation agreement. Am I wrong? Can this process make things worse than it is for me?

My folks are saying to give in everything. He tries to step on me, be stepped on. That is how I will help my children not suffer. They told me that hiring a l already pissed my BPD off so I need to drop the l and stop the complaint. Do nothing. If he wants to divorce me, he will get things ready and bring it to me. Do not divorce him but be divorced then I am righteous in front of my children when they ask me later. What does that even mean? I know he will not want to pay money to a l. so he will change terms in his favor and push me again. Then what?

I do want the right cs I deserve for my children. Then I am willing to give up alimony, the half of stock which I assume he already sold out, 62% activity fee. He makes twice more than I do. However, I know I can survive with $1400 and what I make. When I get a house, it might be tough but I know I can get a second job. I decided to serve him first because I knew if I don’t put my foot down and draw a line, he will push my boundary for the rest of 12 years. But what if he gets more mad, and wants to fight for blood for years and cost me arms and legs like my folks says…can I stop then without making things worse than already signed agreement? Should I give up things and drop everything? Or should I take sole custody request out? I think that will piss him the most. Now I am negotiating with myself about my decision. I am confused! You all know BPD, please give me some advice! Thank you for reading such long story.

[livednlearned]

Now I am negotiating with myself about my decision.

Yes you are 

In my experience, family advice is often dysfunctional, it's often the same type of thinking that shaped us into the boundary-less people we were when we met our BPD spouses. My parents said to walk away from the house and 401K, and I almost did that in mediation, except my L flipped out. She wasn't able to prevent me from giving away the house, but she did insist I take half the 401K. And giving away the house ended up in 3 court hearings. Giving it away! To get myself off the bank loan and get a quit claim deed it took 3 court hearings. How did I avoid conflict? I didn't. Being an appeaser didn't work in the marriage and it won't work in divorce. Focus on what is best for you and the kids and stick to it.

That's the thing about BPD that normal people don't understand. You could walk away from your H and give into all his demands and he might still drive you into the ground. The logic that setting a boundary will trigger him is correct. The logic that not setting a boundary will not trigger is wrong. Does that make sense? So do what is best for you and the kids and then hang on tight and have a good plan in place.

Since court is so slow moving, expensive, and does not tend to pivot when you need a change, get the best order you can get. Don't negotiate with yourself. If anything, ask for a little more than what you want or need so you have something to give away. Judges don't like for one parent to win and the other to lose. So put together a plan, and at the final hour, chop off the small piece you didn't care much about anyway. Your ex needs to feel that he won something, most likely.

What you probably need to focus on is the detail in your parenting plan so you don't have to keep negotiating with him out of court, like the $630 to determine whether he is responsible for dropping off the kids or not. The more vague the parenting plan, the more exasperating it will be for you.

Most of us need the authority of the court to enforce boundaries, so if you are going to be in that position, make sure the language is clear as day. That way, if you have to file a motion for contempt, the judge is likely to rule in your favor. There is nothing worse than paying lawyers only to lose in court. If you're going to pay, might as well play to win.

[Godslove]

Thank you livednlearnd!

For reading my long story and your advise! WOW. Giving the house away all that is ridiculous. I did the quit claim deed at my lawyers. He took my name off after five months. Anyway,Yes. What you said makes perfect sense. It just feels soo good somebody knows what I am talking about. Good point about parenting plan. I will keep it in mind and I already told my l that needs to be clarified. I mention college fund for kids and my l says we will try but there is no mention on Complaint. Can I still bring it up during mediation?

[livednlearned]

Thank you livednlearnd!

For reading my long story and your advise! WOW. Giving the house away all that is ridiculous. I did the quit claim deed at my lawyers. He took my name off after five months. Anyway,Yes. What you said makes perfect sense. It just feels soo good somebody knows what I am talking about. Good point about parenting plan. I will keep it in mind and I already told my l that needs to be clarified. I mention college fund for kids and my l says we will try but there is no mention on Complaint. Can I still bring it up during mediation?

I would bring it up -- it might be the thing that you concede when every other request is met.

Even though my ex lost everything, I know deep down he has a begrudging respect for the backbone I grew. He bore down on me like nothing else I'd experienced, and I stood my ground. It is a thing of wonder to me still, and what gave me the strength was knowing what was best for my son.

These are boundaries. They represent your values, the most core part of who you are. Boundaries define who you are, and what you will and will not tolerate. They are the perimeter that keeps you safe, and they signal what you value and care about. You're worth it, your kids are worth it.

With some BPD people, you can use validation and other negotiation skills to sort of soothe them. My L did this in her deposition with my ex. The judge did it too. There are ways to stop making it worse, although how receptive your ex is to these skills depends on the degree to which he dysregulates.

And don't forget that feelings = facts for people with BPD. Even when my ex was losing, he was spinning an incredible story about how he was winning. It was disassociation/psychosis/delusional thinking at its finest. This is a mental illness, so when the going gets tough, feelings equal facts. And when the going goes great, feelings still equal facts.

I hope that makes sense. We tend to not focus so much on the validation skills and SET communication techniques on the Family Law board because people are shifting to legal strategies. But these skills can and do work with some BPD divorces. They won't eliminate the conflict, but they can sure minimize it. Especially if it's a neutral third party like a skilled mediator or negotiator. By the time there is an audience of lawyers and judges, we are not in a very good position to be validating, and in some situations it can even jeopardize our custody stance. Still, read about validation and anything that Bill Eddy has written. He is the real deal, a true BPD whisperer.

[ForeverDad]

I asked for sole legal custody for his unfitness-drinking and driving, drugs, women. Though honestly I have no hope for it.

Courts typically are reluctant to grant sole custody to one parent.  They're accustomed to doing that in the temp order but when it comes to final decree orders they seem not to want one parent to 'win' and the other 'lose'.  Another concern is that the custodial parent might block or alienate the other parent and so the solution is to give them equal standing on the major (custodial) decisions.  And so we're in and out of court for years.

I was in and out of court for years and finally the GAL recommended I become Legal Guardian.  Over 5 years after separation and 3 years after the final decree.  (It's probably harder for Fathers like me, there does still seem to be persisting unwritten and unstated preference for Mothers.* )  In my case the temp order started with me at 22% parenting time when there were "no concerns" about me.  It was about 8 years later when ex finally got 25% minority time after court finally agreed mother was 'disparaging' father, etc.  So with all her recognized issues she still has more time now than I had at the start when nothing was seen wrong with me.

*Note that some mothers here will state they've had it hard too, so surely it's also a case of the court dancing around the big issue - "walking on eggshells" - the vocal misbehaving parent.

Don't hang your entire strategy on gaining custody.  If your court is reluctant to take that step, make sure the court knows you will work using alternatives.  One of their goals is to find a settlement or decision that will reduce the risk of repeated disputes in court.  Have you considered having a fallback solution, if they nix sole custody, for effective alternatives?

One item which would be helpful if you can't get sole custody... .a way to short circuit repeated obstructions and delays.  So if court and evaluators won't quickly consider Sole Custody, the next best is Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Getting DM or TB, if it is an option your court will consider if it nixes SC, may not be a great leap but it would be at least a stepping stone to having better control over your parenting.

Now I broke the news to my aunt and uncle yesterday. BTW they didn’t believe any of what I said... .But here is what I became afraid listening to them for 10 hours yesterday. Asking sole custody and other requests will make the pwBPD so mad, he will counter complaint with more changes in his favor and this war will not end.

Remember Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain?  Sadly, he is best known for his appeasement foreign policy, and in particular for his signing of the Munich Agreement in 1938, conceding part of Czechoslovakia to Germany.  We all know what happened afterward.  It didn't avoid a war, one point of view is that it gave an impression of weakness or lack of resolve and encouraged Hitler to continue his aggressive tactics.

Frankly, there is no way to guarantee you won't be back in court again and again.  You are not dealing with a reasonable person who can be reasoned with.  Yes, you can perhaps avoid some conflicts, but not all of them, not when his agenda is self-centered.  Your relatives may have good intentions - or even be unwitting enablers - but acquiescing and continuing to be a muddy doormat will be of limited benefit, more likely no benefit and probably enable even more demands and obstruction. Actually, as noted in the WW2 comment above, being reasonable or compliant can be perceived as weakness and that could be likened to waving a red flag in front of a bull.  Your best option in most of these high conflict cases is (1) set your boundaries and (2) seek good court orders as strong and firm as possible.

As for the religious aspect that marriage is a serious commitment, yes, it is, one of the most impactful life commitments.  BUT... .it takes two to make a marriage even halfway successful and since he is actively working against you in major ways then there is no way you alone can transform an unhealthy and dysfunctional - and perhaps even abusive - relationship into a healthy and functional one.  (If it would have happened it would have happened long before now, right?  At least 8 years have passed and it is no better and probably worse now, right?)

My folks are saying to give in everything. He tries to step on me, be stepped on. That is how I will help my children not suffer. They told me that hiring a l already pissed my BPD off so I need to drop the l and stop the complaint. Do nothing. If he wants to divorce me, he will get things ready and bring it to me. Do not divorce him but be divorced then I am righteous in front of my children when they ask me later. What does that even mean? I know he will not want to pay money to a l. so he will change terms in his favor and push me again. Then what?

Do you watch sports?  Usually there are two teams, each struggling to be the winner.  How many do you think won by playing only Defense and no Offense strategies?  Hmm?  As I said, they may be well-intentioned wannabe peacemakers but when neither they nor you are seen by your spouse as having any authority, that is a position lacking strategy and almost surely not successful.  Your spouse thinks he is the authority and his entitled perceptions and slick public vs private behaviors are what has so many fooled.  The reality?  He is not the authority.  The Real Authority is family court or domestic court!  It is there for a reason.  Yes, it is glacially slow and often chooses baby steps rather than real fixes, but it is vastly better than letting your spouse set the game rules.  (Another sports analogy... .Imagine trying to play a game when your opponent changes the game rules, moving the goalpost away any time you get close?)

Not all lawyers are sharks and not all see their clients as shark bait.  Your lawyer is there to work for you, to protect you and your interests.  In your case, that includes not only you but also your parenting and the children.  Family court is not like kindergarten, it is he! in a high conflict case.  As you know, ex is likely to make horrendous emotional allegations in expectation that you will timidly fold.  Your lawyer (and peer support here) are resources you need to protect yourself, your parenting and your children.  :)rop your lawyer at your own peril.

Speaking of lawyers, did you choose a good one, experienced, proactive, with strategies, able to go to trial and win if necessary?  If yours is a form filer and hand holder, expecting a quick settlement then you do need to return your clueless lawyer for a better one.

I do want the right cs I deserve for my children. Then I am willing to give up {items}, etc.

Dealing with BPD Strategies 101:

• Don't give up anything you need.



• Don't give up anything the court would likely assign or credit to you.  (The court will be far more helpful than your spouse - if you seek the court's help, guidance and decisions.  :)on't let him intimidate you, guilt you or convince you to lower your expectations, that's how he has slickly manipulated and overwhelmed you in the past.)



• Don't give up or 'gift' away anything - your leverage - without some benefit in return, either tangible or intangible.



• Get multiple legal consultations, ponder the experience, proactive strategies and problem-solving skills and choose a family law attorney that you can trust and work with.



• This is not a time to remain timid, you need to set firm boundaries to protect yourself, your parenting and your children.  You maybe can't do it all at once but at least get a good start.  While you don't want to be reckless you do need to be proactive and assertive.



• Oh, besides having a lawyer and counselor, bounce problems and ideas off peer support such as here too.  And find better local support from supportive family and trusted friends.  Be aware that mutual friends may not turn out to be trusted friends.

[Godslove]

Thank you for all of your support! Yes, I was very confused after the dreadful Saturday of my aunt and uncle. However, with your support and my sense coming back to me, I know this is the right-the only direction I am going to protect myself and children's well being. It will be tough but I must do this for my children and the rest of parenting. ForeverDad, you are right. Being flexible and reasonable did not work for 10 years why work now after all these? My rookie former lawyer gave a leverage away- half of my mutual fund. Now he wouldn't give me his half. His answer was "I am not in a hurry." or "Yours was cash. This is stock so I don't need to split." When he went to get the money and sign the quit claim deed (he bought me out) before he refinanced without my name (It happened after five months), the rookie L told me how pleasant he was. I was speechless.

I interviewed three more lawyers and hired this lawyer. The top lawyer seems to be very experienced and understood the situation. His associate lawyer whom I  communicate mostly seems young but when I needed her, she acted fast. For example, when he did not return the kids for Mother's day which it is written on separation contract, she quickly sent out an email to him making sure that this IS his responsibility, otherwise it will be a breach of contract. The top lawyer said I communicate with her and she will discuss strategies with him. If I need to go to court, he will go with him. Now we are waiting for the summon paper. I read all of your replies over and over and make myself strong. You all know so well how I felt and feel, how BPD is, and how I should get myself ready. Thank you for all of your support!

[livednlearned]

Go easy on yourself -- I think most of us made mistakes in the beginning, either gifting things away or negotiating with ourselves. It's part of the process.

Rome wasn't built in a day