Has anyone have sole legal custody?

[Godslove]

My old l says it's impossible unless BPD abuses the kids physically which he is not. My BPD drinks and drive, drugs, no evidence. My new l put it on Complaint for Absolute Divorce and said we can try and use it as negotiations. We are waiting for the summon paper. Now I am worried it is going to make him so mad that he will think about some crazy way to counter complaint. He has written a letter to my l that he gave in everything that I requested so far that any judge will agree with him.

While I don't have much expectations, should I take that out the sole custody request OR keep it there to negotiate like my l said? In my mind, I almost gave up alimony and division of his stock. I think it will cost me more to pursue than what I will actually get. Can I still change things before serving him Or just serve him and work it out during mediation? Is my l going to be there during mediation? I can't afford going to court. Can I call it stop and settle at any point OR can he drag me to the court?

[bravhart1]

We have sole legal and got it without asking. We just showed how BPDm was not able to cooperate to get basic needs met for child, like dr and dental appts, selection of dentist went on for over a year as mom would not agree to anyone dad picked. Went about it several different ways, even said you pick we will go and she wouldn't pick. Guess mom has fear of dentist so she wants kiddo to fear it as well.

Your L will not be in mediation appt with you but you should have plenty of prep time before. My biggest suggestion is to stay ALWAYS focused on child. Not other parent unless it relates to how it affects child. Be thoughtful and mature, no slander, no name calling and always be bringing it back to how you are looking out for the best interests of your "shared" child.

I would explain why you feel asking for sole legal would keep kiddo in a good place and how you would co parent with ex even with ultimate control. The sole part would only come into play if it were a critical decision that ex was being unreasonable or unstable about.

You don't get many chances in there, I would ask for as much as you can without looking like you are being greedy with child. Be sure to show your understanding of other parents importance in kiddos life. Even as messed up as they are, the bottom line is that they are important to the child. Whether or not they are a pain in our neck is not relevant to the child or the court.

[livednlearned]

I have sole legal too.

My L also told me it was a long shot, to not expect. At first, we didn't get it, no surprise. I managed to mediate a settlement with N/BPDx on 98% of what we discussed, the only outstanding thing was the sole custody. So the consent order said something like, "Parties agree on all items except for legal custody, which plaintiff is asking for sole, defendant denies this, and the matter is set aside to go before a judge."

Then it sat there for a year or so until N/BPDx had a big alcohol binge fest with some mix of ambien, adderall, and pain killers.

We went back to court and brought up the issue of sole custody, and also had a parenting coordinator just to beef up the documentation. She went even further than I thought, asking the judge to let her out of the contract because N/BPDx was the most uncooperative client she ever dealt with (she trains PCs in our state  ).

So those two things tipped things in my favor, plus we threw a few other things in there too. Like N/BPDx trying to obstruct and stonewall decisions to get S13 some minor accommodations at school.

Yes, your ex is going to be pissed that you're asking for sole custody. The new Godslove, the new and improved post divorce version, has to focus on what you think is best for you and the kids. I know it's hard, because yes, he can be triggered. He's triggered no matter what. And now there's an audience, so he's feeling the burn of the sunlight on his behaviors, and that is likely to make him act more dysregulated.

You have to detach his behaviors from your decisions if you think something is best for you and the kids. Otherwise, you will postpone the hard work of asserting boundaries, which has to be done. It's critical to our healing and well-being and safety.

The only way to minimize the conflict is to use validation and other skills, if they will work at this point. Interview mediators to find out how they work, and look for someone who has Bill Eddy type skills. Those people can make even the biggest narcissists feel like they've been heard. That's a big part of what high-conflict people want -- to feel heard and validated. Unfortunately, we are often not in a position to do that effectively by the time we're in a room with lawyers, so you need a third-party professional to bring their A game.

[Godslove]

Thank you for sharing your experience and the insights. Yes, I am still new to this but going forward one step at a time. I talk to myself over and over to be strong and courageous. I am already a lot stronger. My heart used to jump with anxiety whenever I see his name on my phone. Getting better. He thinks of me as nothing and gives me no respect but used to tell everyone I am the best thing it happened to me in his life. He is good with words, charming and can persuade people. That is what he does for living too. I will go back to Bill Eddy book and train myself about validation. I do believe sole custody is best for my children. I believe he is important in my kids' life too. My kids love spending time with him. He says kids are number one in his life but actions say otherwise.

[ForeverDad]

I am the Legal Guardian, though it took about 5 years in all.  Two years as non-custodial alternate weekend father in the temp orders and three years in Shared Parenting.  Both times it was a settlement, court and everyone else believed only in baby step improvements, minimal impact I guess.  Still, getting sole custody wasn't enough to weaken the entitlement.  The Guardian ad Litem (GAL) felt mother should still keep equal time so she could continue getting support from me (imputed her income at minimum wage for child support).  Of course even that didn't work and fixing that took nearly another three years.  Once I got majority time (during the school year only) and son was approaching teen years, her entitlement deflated, well, most of the time.

One item which would have been helpful... .a way to short circuit repeated obstructions and delays.  So if court and evaluators won't quickly consider Sole Custody, the next best is Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Getting DM or TB, if it is an option your court will consider if it nixes SC, may not be a great leap but it would be at least a stepping stone to having better control over your parenting.