We met at work, she was so beautiful I had such a crush on her, I remember enjoying going to work just to get a glimpse of her. we hardly exchanged but a couple words I was so shy, I listened to my rnb crush songs on ipod catching glimpses of her. all the other guys were up in her face socialising, I used to think of them as mosquitos
.
we had mutual friends so fast forward a lil bit, a few outings, a few fantasy dreams we end up hooking up, seemed so great this girl I fantasised day and night about ended up being so into me. wanting me so much it was an exotic feeling.
she had such a bad past from a young age her mother left when she was 2, dad was on drugs/alcohol still is so wasn't much of a carer she was raised by grandparents. was sexually abused. started drugs left home for 3-4 years ended coming back. I felt so bad for her I just wanted to take her of her and make her feel alright, give her the purest part of me the most goodness of me that I know I im .
Anyways their was red flags everywhere she had a really bad drug use, no light drugs either. I thought it was the drug use to blame for most of the relationship I tried to get her clean. the longest she went was 3 weeks she put on weight told me it was the worst most boring time of her life
I felt so good when she said that. im straight btw
theres lots of events or issues ive prob forgotten over time, she was diagnosed as BPD after a hospital stay due to her wanting to kill herself because I was going to leave. I just dismissed BPD at the time never got any information about it, not because I wasn't interested there just wasnt any time for myself, I was like a zombie for a time being just attending to her issues or my familys own issues never time for myself turns out im co-dependant
I do accept some responsibility thought for r/s failures their was times I sabotaged or didn't understand or I could have tried harder, loved better. not all her fault.
I just had a small castle around my heart couldn't give it all I knew she would hurt me and more so if I did give her my all, so many guy friends, drug users msg call at different times, she hid her phone for how long but so did I just to dig it at her aswell.
ohhh sex was constant, phhhh it was too much, everyday. I had to eventually back off, It just turned me off at one stage felt that my partner had to be on drugs to enjoy my company. and that I was working to make her cum so she can fall asleep from her drugs. I got accused at this time of either having a porn addiction or being gay
. both things which she has admitted to having before, oh yeah which reminds me projection of jealousy cheating drug taking etc etc throughout.
the thing that always pissed me off aswell with her dramatized fictionalised projections of me she would tell everyone, get their opinion. I never even called her out on most of her bull___ because I didn't want her to feel bad let alone print it in the community gossip boards.
highs,lows, tender moments, dramas nearly 2 years comes up im 2 weeks into other job different times, I had tickets for an event i was waitin for her, she didn't show, didn't answer my calls, replied eventually feeling sick ill call you soon i told her to get f---- for standing me up i didn't call her for 2 weeks i so so had the ___s at her after 2 weeks i msg goodbye no reply 2 more weeks later replaced i texted again a harsh goodbye this time, basically told me tgfm haven't spoken since i think 7 weeks now
basically this undeserving creature has been constantly on my mind the last 6 weeks and i hate the fact that i miss her and love her and hate myself to a degree that i feel this way with someone that didn't even think i deserved a goodbye
include aswell the buying puppy experiences, negative pregnancy experiences, usual r/s experiences over this time etc etc and no goodbye how
