Money ran out... so did RS?

[DyingLove]

To anyone parted or parting ways in a RS with your exBPDso.

Do you feel that when your supply of money or whatever your "fuel" to her was ran out, that you were discarded or trashed?

I know I was very useful in the beginning and I even felt like a hero at times (in a good way, I was happy to save the day). Well, I half ass calculate that within the 3 years+ I was there, I went thru about 30K, and that was bills she couldn't afford, as well as our expenses during our RS. She held down a full time job too, but it seems that at the very end, her comment about "her supporting me" keeps ringing in my mind. Richer/poorer, sickness/health, better/worse, and the definition of forever, didn't seem to really mean that much now that I'm thinking on it. I'm having good days, but rumination happens and spoils my focus. Right now is one of those "sucky" times.

[dobie]

I feel for me it was the other way as she earned more she got more resentful/ paranoid and more empowered .

[DyingLove]

I feel for me it was the other way as she earned more she got more resentful/ paranoid and more empowered .

Interesting point Dobie.  At the end of the RS, I was financially and physically broke. She was about a year in on a new episode of her career.  It was basically the same thing that she has always done, but working for a new outfit, wearing a uniform now (so official!  HA) and making a bit more in the way of salary.  I did in a sense feel that she was getting empowered as you put it.  But lets face it, the old saying:  Be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because your are going to meet them again on the way down.  In essence, isn't that what they do when replacements go bad?  LOL  So it's just a matter of time then before it hits the fan?

[dobie]

I feel for me it was the other way as she earned more she got more resentful/ paranoid and more empowered .

Interesting point Dobie.  At the end of the RS, I was financially and physically broke. She was about a year in on a new episode of her career.  It was basically the same thing that she has always done, but working for a new outfit, wearing a uniform now (so official!  HA) and making a bit more in the way of salary.  I did in a sense feel that she was getting empowered as you put it.  But lets face it, the old saying:  Be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because your are going to meet them again on the way down.  In essence, isn't that what they do when replacements go bad?  LOL  So it's just a matter of time then before it hits the fan?

The empowerment angle is interesting mine was empowered with her new six figure salary job and her new six figure salary biatch friends

She has such a weak sense of self and is so malleable no doubt if they and all her family told her to stay with me she would have

I guess what I'm trying to say is my x was a flake 

[DyingLove]

I feel for me it was the other way as she earned more she got more resentful/ paranoid and more empowered .

Interesting point Dobie.  At the end of the RS, I was financially and physically broke. She was about a year in on a new episode of her career.  It was basically the same thing that she has always done, but working for a new outfit, wearing a uniform now (so official!  HA) and making a bit more in the way of salary.  I did in a sense feel that she was getting empowered as you put it.  But lets face it, the old saying:  Be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because your are going to meet them again on the way down.  In essence, isn't that what they do when replacements go bad?  LOL  So it's just a matter of time then before it hits the fan?

The empowerment angle is interesting mine was empowered with her new six figure salary job and her new six figure salary biatch friends

She has such a weak sense of self and is so malleable no doubt if they and all her family told her to stay with me she would have

I guess what I'm trying to say is my x was a flake  

To think, at one time my ex said to me:  If we are out on the curb, we will sit there together.

Now doesn't that sound like someone that isn't so superficial with money?  :)oesn't that sound like someone that would think: Where there is a will there is a way and we'll make it?

What the heck happened?   :'(

I feel so crappy right now I could eat a dozen big macs.

[dobie]

I feel for me it was the other way as she earned more she got more resentful/ paranoid and more empowered .

Interesting point Dobie.  At the end of the RS, I was financially and physically broke. She was about a year in on a new episode of her career.  It was basically the same thing that she has always done, but working for a new outfit, wearing a uniform now (so official!  HA) and making a bit more in the way of salary.  I did in a sense feel that she was getting empowered as you put it.  But lets face it, the old saying:  Be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because your are going to meet them again on the way down.  In essence, isn't that what they do when replacements go bad?  LOL  So it's just a matter of time then before it hits the fan?

The empowerment angle is interesting mine was empowered with her new six figure salary job and her new six figure salary biatch friends

She has such a weak sense of self and is so malleable no doubt if they and all her family told her to stay with me she would have

I guess what I'm trying to say is my x was a flake  

To think, at one time my ex said to me:  If we are out on the curb, we will sit there together.

Now doesn't that sound like someone that isn't so superficial with money?  :)oesn't that sound like someone that would think: Where there is a will there is a way and we'll make it?

What the heck happened?   :'(

I feel so crappy right now I could eat a dozen big macs.

Eat the big macs bro

Mine took me to a wedding a month before she dumped me and was trying to hire the "master of ceremonies"

That's what cuts dying is the total trust we put into our xs while they were secretly betraying us

[DyingLove]

Dobie, I never worried about a replacement and/or cheating and quite frankly it sickens me.  It sickens me to even think that she will eventually be with someone else in her future. Really sickens me.  Do you think I'm still thinking it's not over?  Seems I'm obviously connected somehow.  I mean I don't care about the ex wife or ex of 17 years, but I'm fightin' this ex,,

[Trog]

Of course. The day is stopped supporting her delusions everything ended. Now she knows I won't support her delusions she's moving on. I always knew the minute I asserted myself it would be over and so it proved.

[ZeusRLX]

$30K? Jesus Christ, man.

That's terrible but it could be even worse.

I think it was Woody Allen who said that free sex is the most expensive kind of sex.

But, yeah, absolutely. On one hand they seem very idealistic, on one hand very manipulative. When it comes to basics like money/shelter, once the old hero is out of luck, it's time to line up the new one and if the pwBPD has any looks/charm (which they usually do), that's usually arranged pretty quickly.

[dobie]

Dobie, I never worried about a replacement and/or cheating and quite frankly it sickens me.  It sickens me to even think that she will eventually be with someone else in her future. Really sickens me.  Do you think I'm still thinking it's not over?  Seems I'm obviously connected somehow.  I mean I don't care about the ex wife or ex of 17 years, but I'm fightin' this ex,,

Bro is sickens me to think she will be either using some poor sucker like her x before me or idealising some new love but mark my words these guys will get the same treatment as us . unless they themselves leave those hell cats

Pity the men who will have to deal with our xs

It takes time I'm still not over mine been 7-8 months we need to work on us that's the way forward 

Just keep saying

"She is gone and I'm glad" its my new mantra

[workinprogress]

My first devaluation came when I got downsized from a job.  I ended up working 3 lower paying jobs at the time, 7 days a week.

When I would approach my wife for affection, she would say, "money is what matters, not sex."

Of course, while we were engaged she told me that money didn't matter much to her.

[ZeusRLX]

My first devaluation came when I got downsized from a job.  I ended up working 3 lower paying jobs at the time, 7 days a week.

When I would approach my wife for affection, she would say, "money is what matters, not sex."

Of course, while we were engaged she told me that money didn't matter much to her.

Heard that one before too... .

[Suzn]

Do you think I'm still thinking it's not over?  Seems I'm obviously connected somehow.  I mean I don't care about the ex wife or ex of 17 years, but I'm fightin' this ex,,

You went cold turkey on your drug DL, no? You still have the cravings, the withdrawals. In the relationships before  you had a new drug to replace the old one shortly after they ended, right? If you stick with the hard work this yearning will fade.

To think, at one time my ex said to me:  If we are out on the curb, we will sit there together.

Now doesn't that sound like someone that isn't so superficial with money?  Doesn't that sound like someone that would think: Where there is a will there is a way and we'll make it?

What the heck happened?   :'(

It's likely you would sit there together until someone else with money came along. We have to be careful with our memories DL. The text above in bold is what YOU would think, she does not think like you do.

My ex was quite demanding about what she wanted or felt she needed. I was dependent on her being "happy" so that I could be happy. I was as dependent on her as I would have been had she been a drug literally. It was very uncomfortable for me when she wasn't happy. That was MY problem.

It was easier (lazy) to give in and give her whatever she wanted even if it put us seriously behind. There were times I had to say no because there were no funds to give but even that explanation wasn't good enough. It took me a very long time to realize everything that I did do would never be enough. Ever. I was trying to fill a bucket of "want" that had holes in the bottom and then stepping back asking myself why wasn't it getting full. Had I been able to fill it up then of course that would have proven my love for her.

Get off the merry-go-round. It only goes in a circle. 

Reaching financial goals (or any goals) happen with ever forward motion. It may be good to journal about your goals and tick off your accomplishments one by one, as well as your feelings about the past. Putting our goals in writing can give us purpose and momentum. 

[DyingLove]

Do you think I'm still thinking it's not over?  Seems I'm obviously connected somehow.  I mean I don't care about the ex wife or ex of 17 years, but I'm fightin' this ex,,

You went cold turkey on your drug DL, no? You still have the cravings, the withdrawals. In the relationships before  you had a new drug to replace the old one shortly after they ended, right? If you stick with the hard work this yearning will fade.

To think, at one time my ex said to me:  If we are out on the curb, we will sit there together.

Now doesn't that sound like someone that isn't so superficial with money?  Doesn't that sound like someone that would think: Where there is a will there is a way and we'll make it?

What the heck happened?   :'(

It's likely you would sit there together until someone else with money came along. We have to be careful with our memories DL. The text above in bold is what YOU would think, she does not think like you do.

My ex was quite demanding about what she wanted or felt she needed. I was dependent on her being "happy" so that I could be happy. I was as dependent on her as I would have been had she been a drug literally. It was very uncomfortable for me when she wasn't happy. That was MY problem.

It was easier (lazy) to give in and give her whatever she wanted even if it put us seriously behind. There were times I had to say no because there were no funds to give but even that explanation wasn't good enough. It took me a very long time to realize everything that I did do would never be enough. Ever. I was trying to fill a bucket of "want" that had holes in the bottom and then stepping back asking myself why wasn't it getting full. Had I been able to fill it up then of course that would have proven my love for her.

Get off the merry-go-round. It only goes in a circle. 

Reaching financial goals (or any goals) happen with ever forward motion. It may be good to journal about your goals and tick off your accomplishments one by one, as well as your feelings about the past. Putting our goals in writing can give us purpose and momentum. 

Thank you Suzn.  Makes perfect sense all around.  You are right about what I see and hear and think not conforming with what she sees, hears and thinks.  AND obviously she doesn't.  Just the fact that she discarded me tells me "loads" about her, sick or not.

Is it not fair for us to be upset with BPD people for their illness?  I know it's not something that that we should discriminate against because they didn't ask to be that way, right? What if we did discriminate? Would there be rioting and towns being burned down?  I hate this world of double standards.  I'm sorry people have BPD, I don't wish it on my worse enemy.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine used me primarily as a "last resort" source of supply. A backup to a backup. Once he secured a better option (i.e.: job, friends, relationship, something to do, ect)  I was discarded for good.

[DyingLove]

Mine used me primarily as a "last resort" source of supply. A backup to a backup. Once he secured a better option (i.e.: job, friends, relationship, something to do, ect)  I was discarded for good.

Regardless of how deep of a backup you were, it just wasn't right!  Friends and lovers don't pull stuff like that. PERIOD.   You know my story Beach_babe, and you know how I am... .we don't deserve that kind of degradation.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I think it was Woody Allen who said that free sex is the most expensive kind of sex.

HA!  But true.  This "free" sex cost me a g*ddamned fortune... .financially, emotionally, physically.  My kids too.  G*ddamnit. 

[DyingLove]

I think it was Woody Allen who said that free sex is the most expensive kind of sex.

HA!  But true.  This "free" sex cost me a g*ddamned fortune... .financially, emotionally, physically.  My kids too.  G*ddamnit. 

Yep!  I mean we go thru money in our lives, but when it's one sided it's a bit different.  At times she was more than generous, but at the end, she seemed quite "above" me and I felt like a P-on to put it nicely.  Damn, still pisses me off what she did and how she did it.  Heartless and cruel.

What goes around comes around.

[ZeusRLX]

Mine used me primarily as a "last resort" source of supply. A backup to a backup. Once he secured a better option (i.e.: job, friends, relationship, something to do, ect)  I was discarded for good.

Yes, one of mine tried to employ me as the new hero, once I backed out, she recycled the old one... .until she finds a better (and more reliable, read who doesn't know about BPD) rescuer than me.

[Suzn]

I think it was Woody Allen who said that free sex is the most expensive kind of sex.

HA!  But true.  This "free" sex cost me a g*ddamned fortune... .financially, emotionally, physically.  My kids too.  G*ddamnit. 

Yep!  I mean we go thru money in our lives, but when it's one sided it's a bit different. 

A relationship is 50/50. We are 100% responsible for our 50.

When it came to finances I missed the flags. I missed a lot of other flags prior and wanted to believe this person was the person I wanted her to be. So I did. I fooled myself. If I just do this, everything will be ok. If I just do that everything will be ok. I did a dance to make believe this person was who I wanted her to be because I had no boundaries, no communication skills.

Why didn't I set boundaries for myself? Why didn't I say, instead of giving in... .

I'm sorry, I won't touch my savings.

I'm sorry, I won't max my credit cards.

I'm sorry, I won't put myself in a position to be broke before payday arrives.

Is it fair to be upset with my exBPDgf where MY money was concerned? No. It's fair to be upset with myself, learn this lesson and do better.

[Tomzxz]

About two years into our relationship she told me that my car got me my second date by I got myself the third.  Later she said that if she had know my car was an older model she might not have dated me.  I put down a significant portion of my life savings on our house(60K), she sold her house (her grandmother gave her the money to buy her house as a gift( incidentally she hated her grandmother)) turned around, paid off 15K in credit card debt and bought a brand new Mazda 5. She was mad when I didn't put her name on my house.  I was mad that she didn't pay off her 55K in undergraduate student loans... . our joint account was over drafted a few times and she could never contribute more yet there was an amazon dot com package on our doorstep about four times a week so I know she had money.   I broke up with her and she moved into her grandmother's house with her BPD brother. Granny is in a nursing home and codependent daddy cant sell the house now.    

So yes, there is a definite correlation with BPD and financial dependency even if they make more money.  

[DyingLove]

I think it was Woody Allen who said that free sex is the most expensive kind of sex.

HA!  But true.  This "free" sex cost me a g*ddamned fortune... .financially, emotionally, physically.  My kids too.  G*ddamnit. 

Yep!  I mean we go thru money in our lives, but when it's one sided it's a bit different. 

A relationship is 50/50. We are 100% responsible for our 50.

When it came to finances I missed the flags. I missed a lot of other flags prior and wanted to believe this person was the person I wanted her to be. So I did. I fooled myself. If I just do this, everything will be ok. If I just do that everything will be ok. I did a dance to make believe this person was who I wanted her to be because I had no boundaries, no communication skills.

Why didn't I set boundaries for myself? Why didn't I say, instead of giving in... .

I'm sorry, I won't touch my savings.

I'm sorry, I won't max my credit cards.

I'm sorry, I won't put myself in a position to be broke before payday arrives.

Is it fair to be upset with my exBPDgf where MY money was concerned? No. It's fair to be upset with myself, learn this lesson and do better.

Suzn, your approach is quite responsible.  Obviously you've got your scars, but I can see that you are way better than your ex ever was. Sorry, I know you have feeling, but it's true. We all are better.  I can't recall reading anyones story EVER where I can say that the exBPD is or was better than the person writing.  Sure we are only hearing one side... .but then again, we are here because we need one another.  :-)

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Is it fair to be upset with my exBPDgf where MY money was concerned? No. It's fair to be upset with myself, learn this lesson and do better.

I think both are true.  Being upset with myself, learning from my mistakes is appropriate.  Critical.  I must learn from this mistake lest I repeat it.  I was the one who said "yes" time and time again.  I was the one who failed to say "no" time and time again.    I was terrible with my 100% of 50/50.

And, he was terrible too.  He did things I wouldn't have dreamed of.  Things that should have made me leave A LOT sooner.  He stole.  He lied.  He cajoled. 

I took it.  That was on me.  My bad behavior is on me.  His bad behavior is on him. 

Both are true. 

Together we were a perfect storm.  A perfectly bad storm. 

[DyingLove]

Is it fair to be upset with my exBPDgf where MY money was concerned? No. It's fair to be upset with myself, learn this lesson and do better.

I think both are true.  Being upset with myself, learning from my mistakes is appropriate.  Critical.  I must learn from this mistake lest I repeat it.  I was the one who said "yes" time and time again.  I was the one who failed to say "no" time and time again.    I was terrible with my 100% of 50/50.

And, he was terrible too.  He did things I wouldn't have dreamed of.  Things that should have made me leave A LOT sooner.  He stole.  He lied.  He cajoled. 

I took it.  That was on me.  My bad behavior is on me.  His bad behavior is on him. 

Both are true. 

Together we were a perfect storm.  A perfectly bad storm. 

Agreed!

[fred6]

"She is gone and I'm glad" its my new mantra

[StarOfTheSea]

To put a different spin on this discussion, when my exBPDbf's money ran out our r/s broke down. When we met he was (or seemed to be) quite affluent. He drove a luxury vehicle, he'd give me money every week (which I NEVER asked for or expected), our pantry was always overstocked, always went to the best restaurants. When we went shopping whatever caught my eye went into the cart. He talked about getting me a new vehicle before the winter and we were looking at houses.

Near the end I was buying all the household supplies and food and a dinner out consisted of going to Wendy's. I remember the night before the b/u we were laying in bed and he told me that all of his credit cards were maxed out, he thought his vehicle would get repo'd and he hadn't paid his phone bill in three months. The day before he had borrowed 5k from his stepmother to buy into a business.

What kills me is that six weeks later he was splashing pics of his new fiancee's engagement ring all over FB. Huh, he couldn't buy food for himself and his kid or even pay for a Christmas dinner but suddenly he had money for a diamond ring.   After I discovered that I added 'used' to the list of feelings I had.

He always liked to be the guy with money, but when it ran out he hated himself and projected his loathing onto me. It's like I saw him at his lowest and he was ashamed so he got rid of me.

Oh and BTW, he had co-signed on a car loan and a lease for his ex-wife. Absolute insanity.