Hi Hmcbart,
I've noticed a lot lately that my unBPDw is very indecisive. Anything she tries to do its like she can't or won't make a decision on it. She is constantly calling me to find out what she should do.
here boundaries and PUVAS are important. What you don't want is making decisions for her - in that enmeshed state of the relationship all responsibilities are muddled. We get blamed for decisions we have been asked to make and the pwBPD can play victim and escape consequences and thus learning. It also erodes over time your ability to make decisions as it is easy to blame the pwBPD for things where you should have simply decided and stuck to your guns.
That in itself wouldn't be a big deal, it's what happens when it doesn't work out that I have trouble dealing with. If it's not up to her standard (nothing ever is), I get blamed for it being bad. I made the decision and told her to do XYZ that way so its now my fault.
It is a bigger deal than you believe. It promotes enmeshment and with a less clearer sense of identity the attribution and regulation of emotions becomes more difficult.
Does anyone else have to deal with this and if so how to you handle it?
First: Boundaries. Don't make decisions that should be made by her. Wean her off that drug. Yes, it won't be liked and there will be accusations of abandonment, unfairness, not understanding, not listening etc... .Extinction burst 101.
Second: PUVAS. Who is responsible for what. Talk more about my and your stuff and our common stuff, responsibility or consequence.
That all was about undoing the move into an unhealthy relationship structure where we enabled responsibility shedding. It still leaves the problems inherent with BPD: Impulsivity, Reactivity, Instability, Anxiety and Fear. The result depending on the weighting of factors in an individual is either not arriving at a decision or not being able to stick to a decision. Instead of taking their decision making pain we can help them to work through the decision process.
Let's take a step back. How are decisions made by us? We are contemplating facts and then we arrive at a decision. Then we stick with a decision and only if there is a clear signal that the decision was wrong we may reconsider. First we deploy cognitive thinking. The actual decision making then is done in the end through a b&w process where our emotional brain is involved. Then we store that decision and only strong emotional signals validated against our commitment criteria are allowed to restart the process.
Third. Depending on where the pwBPD is in the process we can support in different ways.
- validation while evaluating facts. Keeping the emotions in check.
- at times in small doses creating awareness of the cost of indecision and the fact that indecision is also a decision
- creating awareness of benefits of decision - clarity of thinking further, moving forward etc.
- when decision is arrived creating awareness of the decision. Validation of anxiety having made the wrong decision. Clarifying the level of commitment.
- when strong signals to the contrary arrive helping with validation of anxiety etc. to stay more rationale. Reminding then of commitment and of value to stick to that. Consideration of price of commitment - in some sense commitments are boundaries and cost something. Creating awareness that re-opening old discussion is another decision that should not be taken lightly. If needed helping to work through the re-opening otherwise helping through the closing down of temporary crisis through validation - it is normal to have doubts and things often go slightly different than planned.
We really can't tell our partners how they should make decisions - they are their decisions and those decisions shape them. Telling them, challenging them would be something a T could do. If your partner is in therapy and is aware of their own struggle to make decisions then maybe that is something to suggest. Our role can only be supportive. There is however still another thing that can have a big impact:
Forth. We are role models. The clearer and open (where appropriate) we go about our own decision making the more input we provide to their learning.
In total this is a bigger change. It takes a while to get all pieces into place but it is doable.
