The most difficult step for me is the awareness of the disorder.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everybody!

First of all I want to thank all the people working and participating on this site, it's simply incredible!

And I want to apologize for my english... .I'm Italian and I'll probably make mistakes.

I spent 8 months with a guy who seems to have BPD, even if is not diagnosticated, yet.

As many stories I've read here, he was wanderful, and he told me he love me so much, and he was unique (of course he is), and he made me promise to go to live in Canada with him and one day we woke up togheter and we had coffe and we dance and we made love and he told me he love me and we settled on 10 pm and... .we met and he told me it was over.

It was like 2 months ago and it still hurt.

And the most painful part of it is, I guess, is to have to put the puzzle together... .alone.

I mean without his help.

The hardest thing to do is to thake awareness of the disorder: to remember all these crazy behaviours, the sudden rage, the mood shifts, the constantly changing self, the sly paranoia, the "nobody can understand me"... .and put them all togheter with the wanderful side of him that made me fall so deeply in love.

Because, you know, it was like spots in a big picture, it was not constant, no coherent, and there used to have an happy end. And most of all, because, you know, if somebody you love has psychosis and start to listen voices that nobody else can ear, or is depressed and can't just wake up and go to work... .than is easy to see that he/she has a problem, everybody can see it. And it's painful of course, but you can easily say who is sick and who is taking care.

But in my case, and I think in your too, the illness was so hard to detect, and the dinamic was so strong.

For example, everything was perfect for days, and than I told him some simple think like "why didn't you call me before?"... .I didn't know It was a trigger for him, and when he raged I just get paralized, and I started to cry and apology, I didn't even know for what I was apologizing, and he didn't stop being brave, and I cried more, and he use to told me it was my fault, because I was making him feel wrong... .and I beleived it.

It took 2 months to realize that maybe it was not my fault... .it took 2 meetings with his mother to know that he make the same with her and with his sister, that the mother in law he had and he told me he didn't get along, was actually emotionally abusing him since he was child... .it took 2 devastating and hurtful dates with him to know that what was happen with me was just happen with all the others girlfriends before and that he is gonna start a psychotherapy because he doesn't feel well.

And nowaday I still struggle trying to stop feel guilty and to keep in my mind that all that I passed by is just part of the disorder.

Sincerely your,

Lilute

[Lilute]

Hi everybody!

First of all I want to thank all the people working and participating on this site, it's simply incredible!

And I want to apologize for my english... .I'm Italian and I'll probably make mistakes.

I spent 8 months with a guy who seems to have BPD, even if is not diagnosticated, yet.

As many stories I've read here, he was wanderful, and he told me he love me so much, and he was unique (of course he is), and he made me promise to go to live in Canada with him and one day we woke up togheter and we had coffe and we dance and we made love and he told me he love me and we settled on 10 pm and... .we met and he told me it was over.

It was like 2 months ago and it still hurt.

And the most painful part of it is, I guess, is to have to put the puzzle together... .alone.

I mean without his help.

The hardest thing to do is to thake awareness of the disorder: to remember all these crazy behaviours, the sudden rage, the mood shifts, the constantly changing self, the sly paranoia, the "nobody can understand me"... .and put them all togheter with the wanderful side of him that made me fall so deeply in love.

Because, you know, it was like spots in a big picture, it was not constant, no coherent, and there used to have an happy end. And most of all, because, you know, if somebody you love has psychosis and start to listen voices that nobody else can ear, or is depressed and can't just wake up and go to work... .than is easy to see that he/she has a problem, everybody can see it. And it's painful of course, but you can easily say who is sick and who is taking care.

But in my case, and I think in your too, the illness was so hard to detect, and the dinamic was so strong.

For example, everything was perfect for days, and than I told him some simple think like "why didn't you call me before?"... .I didn't know It was a trigger for him, and when he raged I just get paralized, and I started to cry and apology, I didn't even know for what I was apologizing, and he didn't stop being brave, and I cried more, and he use to told me it was my fault, because I was making him feel wrong... .and I beleived it.

It took 2 months to realize that maybe it was not my fault... .it took 2 meetings with his mother to know that he make the same with her and with his sister, that the mother in law he had and he told me he didn't get along, was actually emotionally abusing him since he was child... .it took 2 devastating and hurtful dates with him to know that what was happen with me was just happen with all the others girlfriends before and that he is gonna start a psychotherapy because he doesn't feel well.

And nowaday I still struggle trying to stop feel guilty and to keep in my mind that all that I passed by is just part of the disorder.

Sincerely your,

Lilute

[Achaya]

Hi Lilute,

Welcome! Your English is a whole lot better than my Italian. Thanks for making the effort to communicate in English.

I am so sorry to hear that you are so hurt. I know how shocking it is to have the person you love, the person who told you he loved you, completely reject you a few hours or days later. It is too much for the heart to take in all at once.

My partner left me 6 weeks ago. I am feeling a lot better and I understand so much about what caused my relationship to end. I could not have recovered to the extent I have, if the people who post here had not helped me. Please keep posting and share all the feelings you are having. Just the writing makes it better, and there are some very intelligent, giving people here.

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Im sorry you had to go through that.

I can relate! I completely believed our relationship problems were all my fault... .it took 3 years to realize it was borderline personality disorder. I'm going to be very real and honest to you, be glad it ended sooner than later. The more commitment and time invested in the relationship the more difficult the Borderline behaviors become.

Bravo! Your English is very very good.

 Sta forte

[Lilute]

Than you so much for your support  Achaya and  Hanging!

It means a lot to me!

Yes Achaya, it's so hard to handle this brake up, I mean I'm 38 years old and I went trough few very significant relationships and splits, much more important than this... .but I have always felt the love, the communication, the compassion, even in the breake up. This time everything is so cold, and uncoherent and unlogical.

Hanging, thanks to be so real and honest, I really need to ear that kind of things.

It's true that their behaviour is going worse and worse, right?

Because, you know, at the beginning he looked so kind and mature, I mean if he noticed that I was upset for something (for example he said he call me and he didn't) he use to apologize to me and tell me how much he care... .but suddenly the situation was twisted around, suddenly he started to show anger and to say that I was making him feeling wrong... .and suddenly I started to walk on eggshells... .

It has happen to you too?

A big hug   

[Thread]

  Lilute,

I lived in Italy for a short period. So you found someone who wishes she had Italian blood!   ciao! Had to state that

Yes this happened to me and you describe it perfectly. Same situation. Started off great and it slowly developed into manipulation, control and constant ridicule and put downs. However all of his actions became reactions to me... .Or "my fault" so when I got my feelings hurt somehow it was always a reaction to my actions!

I hear "I'm sorry" so often, similar to a broken record. Over and over "I'm sorry" but the same situations never change... .The only improvements have been through therapy, and the reality is it will be weekly therapy for the rest of his life... .And I'm not over exaggerating. Imagine 20$ a week for the next 50 or so years? $48,000  

I hope and pray for miracles

[Achaya]

Than you so much for your support  Achaya and  Hanging!

It means a lot to me!

Yes Achaya, it's so hard to handle this brake up, I mean I'm 38 years old and I went trough few very significant relationships and splits, much more important than this... .but I have always felt the love, the communication, the compassion, even in the breake up. This time everything is so cold, and uncoherent and unlogical.

Hanging, thanks to be so real and honest, I really need to ear that kind of things.

It's true that their behaviour is going worse and worse, right?

Because, you know, at the beginning he looked so kind and mature, I mean if he noticed that I was upset for something (for example he said he call me and he didn't) he use to apologize to me and tell me how much he care... .but suddenly the situation was twisted around, suddenly he started to show anger and to say that I was making him feeling wrong... .and suddenly I started to walk on eggshells... .

It has happen to you too?

A big hug   

Yes, all this has happened to me also. I have had a number of previous relationships and when we broke up we both still treated each other like people who have loved one another. Also, we both knew what the problems were, as we had talked about them. In all of my previous relationships we went to counseling together and talked about the problems before we broke up.

In my last relationship my partner started out so in love with me and so wonderful! The first time she broke up with me was after 2 years of that. One week she talked about being together forever, the next she left me. I was so shocked and devastated! The following week she told me it was all a mistake and I was so relieved! After this she broke up with me at least twice every year. In between the breakups she would talk to me about being together forever. When she left me, she did it by leaving a little note for me to find when I got home from work.

During the bad times she would tell me that she did not want to be with anyone who talked about her like I did. If I told her how she had hurt me in any situation, no matter how small, she would get angry because I was criticizing her. She said I did not see her how she wanted a partner to see her, and because of that, she was going to leave me. I had to see her as perfect, and that meant I couldn't ever talk about anything that upset me.

As time went on, the good times were not as good and did not last as long. The bad times got worse and lasted longer. I still loved her and wanted the relationship.

I am lucky, because my ex-partner is now being honest with me about her problems. Now that we are no longer lovers she can tell me that she sees herself as not able to love anyone. She said she tried her best to love me, and to prove to herself that she can make a relationship last, but she was unable to succeed. I think she is finally telling the truth to herself and to me, and that helps me to let go.

Not everyone's lover confesses their guilt like my ex-partner has done. Most people who post on this board have been left with no explanation about why the relationship ended so horribly. I read so many of their stories, and they all sounded so much like mine. Because of this, I knew already why my lover left me, even before she told me herself. It is so helpful to read through what other people have said here about their relationship problems. I learned that most of my partner's hurtful behavior is part of her illness and had nothing to do with "love" or with me. It hurts a lot at first to know that, but then after a while, the knowledge sets you free.

[Lilute]

Hi again!

Thank you so much for your support!

It's now 2 month and a half since brake up and 3 weeks since the las meeting, so it's some kind of hard and I really appreciate your help!

Actually I went out for my first date just yesterday, but I felt I'm not ready and this makes me feel worst.  :'(

I'm happy that you like Italy, Hanging!

I hope italian people did you treat very well!

It has happen to me too, you know, listen to him saying I'm sorry, but in a mechanical way, like a broken record... .so sad.

Oh Achaya!

Was exactly the same with me!

He told me he will be with me forever on monday, he broke up on thursday!

He used to tell that we shoul go to live thogether in Canada, he told this to his mother too... .but then when I was talking about the travel and the project he get stressed and change the conversation.

I know he wantet to get back few days after the brake up, but his friends told him to let me go, just to stop causing me pain. And now, the last time we met he told me so many confusing things!

I think he is in the process to realize he has problems. In fact he told me he will start a therapy. But he is still so confused about himself that he says to me something... .and than the opposite... .and this is so painful.

He told me he realized he canno't have a partner. That he thinks that if cannot be my boyfriend than he cannot be the boyfriend of anybody. He realized that he boycott himself so much about relationships, work and general life. And he told me that is better form me to stay apart.

But than he told me that I am not the perfect girl for him and this is why he doesn't want to stay with me. And this is so painful and so confusing.

I don't know what to beleive.

If I see the general picture I see he has problems and he actually need to be alone and start a therapy.

But If I listen to his words I just feel guilty and sad and so not perfect.

Sometimes I just feel I had to do it better... .understanding his difficoult past, being more patience and validating, I don't know... .more perfect.

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I love Italy mainly because the people... .Italians really wear their hearts on their sleeves  They taught me a lot about life and love

Just remember, no matter how perfect, they the people suffering will always find a fault.  Take your time with re-dating and just try to love you because it takes some time and healing after the emotional turmoil of a BPD relationship!