Over explaining myself

[Sunfl0wer]

I have found this week, a couple of times, where I'm slightly embarrassed for over explaining myself.  I know that I do not want to be misunderstood.  I suppose I would not be so embarrassed if the other person had responded, however, I realized I was over explaining because my txt was not replied to.  At times, I can be long winded, because of using a lot of words to explain the same thing, but trying to be accurate.

I wonder where I begin to look into myself about this?

I'm embarrassed to admit, it sounds a bit controlling to me... .not an admirable trait in my book.

[going places]

I have found this week, a couple of times, where I'm slightly embarrassed for over explaining myself.  I know that I do not want to be misunderstood.  I suppose I would not be so embarrassed if the other person had responded, however, I realized I was over explaining because my txt was not replied to.  At times, I can be long winded, because of using a lot of words to explain the same thing, but trying to be accurate.

I wonder where I begin to look into myself about this?

I'm embarrassed to admit, it sounds a bit controlling to me... .not an admirable trait in my book.

Over the years, I found myself 'over explaining'.

In the past I have been 'misunderstood' or 'what I said and meant was heard differently' or 'I was told I was unclear'.

I understand now, that being gas lit will cause the abused to 'over explain' because in THEIR head, they know what they are saying; but the abuser twists and twists the words into something they are not, then convinces the abused, THIS is what they said; when it's NOTHING like what they said... .

I over explain because I want people to be CLEAR on what I am saying so that I am not 'accused' of saying something I didn't say.

When the content of my conversation is very important, I email. I put it in writing. That way there is NO misunderstanding.

I do not have conversations via text. If it's more than "get milk or what time will you be home" my first choice is face to face. Second choice is me picking up the phone and calling. But never via text or email do I have a serious or important conversation.

[once removed]

hey sunfl0wer,

frankly i dont really know where to suggest you go but possibly therapy. its possible there are some useful websites too.

i can certainly relate to it. i have a tendency to do it on the board too. it roughly relates to perfectionism, imo.

how do i adjust? certainly, learning to be succinct is probably the most obvious. one thing thats helped me is to delay long winded correspondence and read it later before i send. quite often im comfortably able to subtract a good portion.

depending on the format (in person, real time online messaging, journal type stuff, whatever) i can speak with a few different "voices". some of these voices are more confident than others though all of them are authentic. explaining something to someone (by that i mean trying to help or make them understand) is usually where i get caught up in over explaining. when it comes to comforting others, i once heard, and have mostly always practiced the concept of "be the friend you would want if the situation were reversed." its easy for me to see now, particularly on this board, where that can go wrong. we are all coming from different places. but i think my over explaining may be that im expecting the other person to be able to do this. accepting peoples limitations goes along way.

many of us on this board have some level of need to understand and be understood. that could explain some of this. it reminds me of one of the ten beliefs that keep us stuck: if you say it louder, you will be heard. so many of these beliefs can apply at any time in our lives, and thats one of them.

organizing your thoughts will help. say what you need to say, little to no more. and remember, if a person misunderstands you, that is not necessarily your fault. if they dont, they may ask for more information/details.

lastly: do you have people in your life that tend to "get it"? if your over explaining is related to venting, save this for someone who gets it. or maybe even ask that person for advice and perspective on what you feel like saying.

hope this helps.

[Allmessedup]

I find I do this too... .  I don't wish to be misunderstood at all... .even more so when a text isn't replied to.  I think you thought of it being controlling is interesting and I would like to know more about how you see it that way?

For me I have always thought it was more of an abandonment trigger... .when a person does not reply I see it as rude intially and then wonder if I did something wrong so I seek to explain myself further.

I wonder if it doesn't lead more directly to insecurities that we will always be misunderstood/disliked?

Thoughts?

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks guys... .

Going places,  I'm sure my r/s dynamic certainly did not help and instead exacerbated this tendency.  I now see how I could spend countless effort trying to speak logic to my ex... .where he just couldn't think logically.  How exhausting!

I too have just used email for very important stuff... .this worked... .I think.

Once removed, I'm in therapy.  I'm thinking I can likely figure this one out more on my own and use my sessions for more tough stuff.

Lol!  Yes, I'd like to be more succinct!

Communication was a mess growing up... .I feel as though I would need to spend much conscientious effort to undo my tendency of over explaining... .and just simply overthink it first... .then speak.

Allmessedup, I have been more thoughtful about "needing to control" as a trigger for me, so this is where this started.  In therapy he suggested this.  After thinking about all of my PTSD triggers, you can boil them all down to control.  I have tended to think of control as a derogatory term, so I was not first comfortable with this idea.   

If you really think about it though... .without the negativity... .if people just spoke or behaved in a manner that is not triggering... .there would be no triggers?  I think many triggers are born from feeling out of control, that things are unpredictable, that we feel we are in a helpless position.  So this idea of control being the opposite makes sense to me.

Specifically in terms of over speaking... .it can be thought of as a way to control what opinions and views the other is having about you.  I do think that this is part of it... .I don't want the person to be offended... .over speaking is a way of trying to control their internal experience.  I wish everyone I speak to can get the intention of my communication, being misunderstood bugs me... .so there it is again... ."it bugs me."

I know there has to be an insecurity issue there as well... .it just makes sense.

Not being allowed to speak for so long in my FOO makes me feel frustrated that the result is... .I often feel I am struggling with language as I type.  Part of this is actual frustration of having to work four times as hard as the average person to express my thoughts.  The other part is then I am aware at this frustration and am annoyed for my FOO exposure and how they did this to me.

[Thread]

I over explain because my pwBPD never takes me at my word. Interestingly enough, I may have some pwBPD in my immediate family (Mother and one sister) who also never took me at my word.  I think for me this is why I have a tendency to over explain or "verbally support myself."

Also my father's second language is English, so sometimes I have a belief that I don't express myself the clearest. And there is also where you don't want to leave out the full story... .perfectionism and full truth.

Maybe you struggle with over-explaining for things like that? I learn in therapy a lot of the struggles we have as adults stem from our childhood and what was lacking growing up. And in our frustrations or imperfections it's often us trying to heal the pains that have hurt us from the past. Sometimes identifying the issues as a child can help you answer whats going on now?

Just a thought!