Well now, here's a problem

[Crumbling]

 

I go away to work now, for four nights a week.  I get space for myself, away from my BPDh.  The first few weeks were just like a dream.  I had to keep pinching myself that this is real.  I've learned about myself, and I've had time to think.  All that craziness of BPD life has taken a back seat in my life.  I'm liking the freedom, and I'm seeing how dysfunctional our lives have been - more clearly than ever before.  So what's the problem?

Well, the problem is, now, I also work side by side with a man who is clearly highly functioning, fun to be around, smart, motivated, strong, interesting, steady... .I could go on, but in a nut shell, he is completely opposite my husband.  Now what do I do?  How do I work beside this person 10hrs a day and not long to be in a relationship with someone like him, instead of someone with so many issues? We are productive together.  We get things accomplished.  He listens and respects my words and opinions, I learn from him. 

I guess I'm learning what normal is again, maybe, I'm not sure.  I just know it leaves me confused.

The love I have for my BPDh hasn't weakened, but it has shifted.  I still have a very deep-rooted stirring of emotion when I see him, and put my arms around him.  But the more time we spend together, the more I see the dead-endness that exists in our marriage.  There is nothing hopeful, fun or promising about it.  It is struggle and mindfulness and blah!  lots of pressure and tip toeing.  It's hard to stay convinced I am 'in love' with this life we've built together. 

Anyone got any tips to keep me from falling for the lure of this daily distraction I now face at work every day?  I am completely set on staying true to my husband.  I'm keeping things on a professional level, and so is my co-worker.   We avoid physical contact, and try not to spend too much time alone together.  That's not always possible, because lots of the time it is only him and I there, but we both make the effort to keep distance.  He has a girlfriend and I'm married.  Period.

Still.  Being involved in a productive relationship with another man, even though it is only a professional one, is SO much more stimulating than the relationship at home that I'm used to.  It's causing me to question my choice to stay with my husband.  "For why should I?" as my boy used to ask. 

Has anyone else been through this type of situation?  Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jcarter4856]

Be careful that this coworker is not another pwBPD who is mirroring your requirements and in the idealization phase with you. A year down the road, should you jump ship, you could be in exactly the same situation you're in now with BPD#2.

Just sayin... .the nons here often end up seeking out the pwBPD repeatedly.

[vortex of confusion]

jcarter is spot on.

Being able to work with somebody is not an indication of anything other than the fact that you can work together.

From my own experience, I got messed around with the whole open relationship thing. I met a guy that seemed so different from my husband. I could talk to him. He made me feel good. Blah, blah, blah. Underneath all of that, he was the other side of the same coin. Use this as a learning experience. I learned that I was very neglected and craving the attention of a "normal" adult male. I put normal in quotes because no self respecting adult male would have anything to do with you because he recognizes that you are married.

Give it some time. How long have you been at this? I know when I went back to work, I had the same experience of, "WOW, there are adult men that I can work with successfully without all of the BS." It was difficult to keep myself in check at times because I was craving attention after being home with the kids for so long. Keep reminding yourself of your values.

[Grey Kitty]

Now what do I do?  How do I work beside this person 10hrs a day and not long to be in a relationship with someone like him, instead of someone with so many issues?

First you will have longings like this... .and that is OK.

As others have said, acting on them isn't likely to result in anything like what you might dream of in reality.

My guess is that he is healthier than your BPDh, but likely still has significant issues... .just because that kind of chemistry happens with people at similar levels... .and while you have made huge steps from where you were, your journey to being healthy in a relationship is going to have more phases in it.

So my recommendation is continue not doing anything with him that isn't appropriate for a professional relationship. It may not be easy.

My other advice is keep working on your marriage through the summer. Is your husband doing better?

[Crumbling]

Thanks so much for the feed back! 

It has been just over a month that we have been working together.  My husband has been much more supportive than I expected him to be through all this.  The first week, I didn't really pack for more than one night, because I really didn't expect to stay any longer than that. But he was okay after that first day.

He is enjoying his freedom too - he gets to drink and watch porn whenever he wants.  I'm okay with that.  These are things he does for pleasure that I don't, so I guess we have even ground now.  I get to socialize and hike and be near the ocean, and build my career, without our personal issue hanging over my head continually.

I've been trying to keep a positive spin on things, like seeking the good things that we have together.  The first couple of weekends he really ignored me sexually, and that was really tough.  Now I think he has realized that the more he ignores me the more likely I'm going to wander, and he is being much more, um, attentive, let's say.

Is he doing better?  Boy that is a tough question.  I think so.  It's been good for him to be in charge of the household and the pets without having anyone else to lean on.  He seems to appreciate me more.  He does try harder to stay positive around me now.  He still hasn't got a job but now he is actually saying he needs one, or being here alone everyday is going to drive him nuts.

Thanks for the feedback, friends.  Stay focused on the marriage, and avoid daydreaming of something that most likely wouldn't be real anyway.  I get so much strength from being productive at my co-workers side, but I need to remind myself that this is because we are working professionally and for no other reason.  The only reason it works is because we've got a common goal, to make the resort work, and nothing more.

blessings all,

thanks again,

c.

[Crumbling]

I think I'm noticing a trend, or a pattern, in my husband when I come home for my weekends.  Usually, he is sitting aloof, nonchalant about me being there.  Then, he becomes attentive for a while.  He has scheduled appointments on my days off every week so far, even when there's been a choice.  And he gets cranky and needy as the time draws near for me to head back.  I never realized how predictable he's moods were, until now.  It's like reliving the same script every weekend!

It feels so strange, this back and forth.  I stay positive.  He actually told me he was proud of me today.  I said it back.  He laughed and said thanks anyways... .as if to say, I know it's a lie, but it's nice to hear nonetheless.  I am proud of him.  He has struggled, but survived... .without me there to rescue him.  This weekend he admitted to needing help and reaching out to a support group online, at some point while I was gone.  He's stayed fairly busy.  He's been trying.  The animals are happy and well looked after when I get home.  I am proud of him, but to him, he is a dirt, garbage piece of sh... .  and will not see himself as anything else.  He is not only hurting himself, but totally invalidating what I feel by saying this.   

It's really sad, and hard to accept that this is him, and who he is always going to be.  It's like a person is doomed to hurt a pwBPD the minute they start loving them, regardless of what he or she do, because it brings such negativity out ... .  well, in mine it does, anyways.  I'm wrong for loving him, in his eyes.

I know he's drinking too much, but he only does it when I'm not there.  I'm afraid sometimes that I'm being fooled into thinking he is okay and one day the sky is going to explode or something and he isn't going to be.  Maybe I'm just not used to the calm, I'm not sure.  I try not to think too much about it, and enjoy these liberating moments I have at my fingertips. 

You know, I wonder if my boss, the person that hired me, isn't the one with BPD issues.  She is very frightful about a lot of things, and her family tells me she's always been that way.  I don't know much more about her than that, but my hubby is definitely fearful!  Anyhoo, I try not to judge, just saying.