... and the silent calls continue... now to my daughter's phone

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been receiving 'silent calls' for a couple/three months. Sometimes 2 or three times a day, the phone rings (I run a business from my house so I MUST answer), I answer it and the other line is muted. Sometimes the line stays active until I hang up and sometimes it remains silent. The number is always spoofed as I call it back and receive a recording indicating it is not a valid phone number.

The caller seems to know when I am on vacation and does not call when they know I will not answer. Today, my daughter (who telemarketers and other nuisaces would not have found just yet - she is only 15 and does not disseminate her number as adults do) informed me that she recieved a silent call from a spoofed number (I am not sure to waht level I should be pissed off about this). Fifteen minutes later, I received one.

Although I cannot prove it. I am pretty convinced that this is my ex's work (why would anyone call and NOT want to continue the call while obscuring their true identity FOR MONTHS?). The necessary app is easy enough to download and use. Is anyone else getting these? More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?

[JRT]

I have been receiving 'silent calls' for a couple/three months. Sometimes 2 or three times a day, the phone rings (I run a business from my house so I MUST answer), I answer it and the other line is muted. Sometimes the line stays active until I hang up and sometimes it remains silent. The number is always spoofed as I call it back and receive a recording indicating it is not a valid phone number.

The caller seems to know when I am on vacation and does not call when they know I will not answer. Today, my daughter (who telemarketers and other nuisaces would not have found just yet - she is only 15 and does not disseminate her number as adults do) informed me that she recieved a silent call from a spoofed number (I am not sure to waht level I should be pissed off about this). Fifteen minutes later, I received one.

Although I cannot prove it. I am pretty convinced that this is my ex's work (why would anyone call and NOT want to continue the call while obscuring their true identity FOR MONTHS?). The necessary app is easy enough to download and use. Is anyone else getting these? More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?

[BorisAcusio]

(why would anyone call and NOT want to continue the call while obscuring their true identity FOR MONTHS?).

Why would a borderline do that? They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose, in fact, it would be hard to interpret other than a form of rejection, which they make a frantic effort to avoid.

Most likely you got automated marketing calls.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey JRT,

Not sure what the explainable motivation might be... .to stay connected, to harass and annoy you, to hope you say her name, to hear you get mad/frustrated/upset?  Who knows.  But I don't doubt that your ex is calling for a nanosecond.  My ex contacted me upwards of 450 times over 4 months.  He'd call 23 times in a row.  Why? What was the point?  Not sure I can figure it out... .or that if I could it would even matter.  I simply used it as evidence that there were serious problems from which we could/would never recover.  

I am sorry she has involved your daughter.  I don't think I would waste your time/energy getting mad about it.  Otherwise, your ex is getting the result she probably hoped for.  Just instruct your daughter what to do:  say nothing, hang up, and send you a text to document the date/time.  Probably not a bad idea for you to keep a log of the calls.  

Sorry for you to have to deal with this.  The good news is you are OUT of the r/s!  

[Mutt]

My ex contacted me upwards of 450 times over 4 months.  He'd call 23 times in a row.  Why? What was the point?  Not sure I can figure it out... .or that if I could it would even matter.  

Sounds like he was going through intense extinction bursts.  

I have to agree with Boris a pwBPD look for soothing.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I have been receiving 'silent calls' for a couple/three months. Sometimes 2 or three times a day, the phone rings (I run a business from my house so I MUST answer), I answer it and the other line is muted. Sometimes the line stays active until I hang up and sometimes it remains silent. The number is always spoofed as I call it back and receive a recording indicating it is not a valid phone number.

The caller seems to know when I am on vacation and does not call when they know I will not answer. Today, my daughter (who telemarketers and other nuisaces would not have found just yet - she is only 15 and does not disseminate her number as adults do) informed me that she recieved a silent call from a spoofed number (I am not sure to waht level I should be pissed off about this). Fifteen minutes later, I received one.

Although I cannot prove it. I am pretty convinced that this is my ex's work (why would anyone call and NOT want to continue the call while obscuring their true identity FOR MONTHS?). The necessary app is easy enough to download and use. Is anyone else getting these? More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?

JRT

As you know I've received these since last September, one month after my uBPDexgf abandoned our relationship. Except for March of this year I have received at least two a month. This month alone I have received 4 calls plus have been anonymously hit on my LinkedIn acct (which I never use). I have been confounded and driving myself crazy wondering if it was my ex or "something else." Last week I had a moment of clarity. I started remembering last year when she began her fade away. All the calls I had been getting for years from her just ended. I literally had no calls from hardly anyone. None. And I realized that a year ago, until she left, I had had no hang up calls, no PRIVATE CALLER hiding their phone number, no odd phone calls at all. Until September. We were together for 9.5 years. It can't be a "coincidence" that they began when she left.

I remembered that when the first call came in in September I looked at the caller ID wondering what it even meant as I had had no call that had ever said "OUT OF AREA PRIVATE CALLER." When I picked up the call because it was so unusual a call to me, I said hello twice and then I got hung up on. This had been our little "game" each month since then.

Once I realized that in the past my phone calls had been boring, particularly from telemarketers, that is until last Fall, I came to the conclusion it is without a doubt my exgf. I only get a few a month. But this month there have been four.

Why she's doing it? Well my guess is that she wants to have contact but can't bring herself to do it. I know your ex left out of the blue like mine. You can't do something as impulsive as that without wondering if you've made a mistake. I saying wondering but I should actually say "knowing." But also, I don't think my ex can even possibly admit she is wrong. So calling and toying with our minds gives them some sort of satisfaction and I believe eases some sort of tension or loneliness within them. And it's probably them missing us as well. Somehow even the little contact makes them feel better I think.

If you  don't think it makes sense that a telemarketer is hitting your daughter, then trust your instincts about it.

So maybe that's it. I keep hoping my ex says something. Unlike many here, after 9.5 years together and as angry as her actions have made me, I would work on the relationship. If she would just say something. So that's my take. It's definitely my ex calling me. Why is still elusive. I suspect if I keep dwelling on that, the universe will send me that answer too.

Just think about how your past calls have been when the two of you were together. If what is happening now happened then, then maybe you just didn't realize it was happening. But if you're like me and you know that these "unusual" calls began AFTER they've gone, then you will probably have your answer.

I suspect one of these days both our ex's will finally have something to say. I myself look forward to it.

[Beach_Babe]

JRT and Shadow -does such  behavior seem characteristic? In my case, for example, the answer is no. My ex is quite grandiose and fairly shameless. He will waltz back like nothing happened when its recycle time. But maybe yours are different. Are they of the waif variety?

[once removed]

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

[ShadowIntheNight]

JRT and Shadow -does such  behavior seem characteristic? In my case, for example, the answer is no. My ex is quite grandiose and fairly shameless. He will waltz back like nothing happened when its recycle time. But maybe yours are different. Are they of the waif variety?

I have no idea if it's characteristic of my ex or not. Her behavior last year when she faded, then abandoned our relationship was uncharacteristic. She had neither spoken of nor shown the capacity to do what she did, and yet she did it.

So in light of that, I would say it's not beyond her to do it, as I had never heard nor seen these things from her before. She certainly never did it in our 9.5 yr relationship when she "broke up" for her 3 hour or 2 day times. We were always in contact throughout each of those. And she never left the way she did last year. So all of this is brand new and unfamiliar to me. I can't say for her.

If this were the early years of our relationship, I might say she was a waif. But now she is more of a queen and has her moments of being of the witch variety. All of that has been spiced with the narcissicism she added during the last 4 yrs of our relationship.

To your point, in the past she would ease her way back, apologize and tell me I didn't deserve her treatment (she was usually right). There are times I think she wants to do that, but knows she screwed up so bad, she isn't sure how to say "sorry I went looney last year and took it all out on you." And frankly, illness or not, she should be terrifically ashamed for her actions. They have been quite detrimental and hurtful, and they aren't something that are easily forgivable.

Honestly, if she came back in like you say yours might, I'd let her have it again.

[ShadowIntheNight]

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

My ex has plenty of things in her home to fill her need for "object constancy" of me. We were together almost ten years so she has plenty of those kinds of markers of me. What she does not have is me and my emotional support any longer. So in my case, I do believe it is her reaching out for some sort of emotional soothing, whatever that may be.

I am sure JRT's ex's actions are probably something entirely different. One thing is for sure, it is a confounding action for an adult (46) woman to be taking.

[Beach_Babe]

 Shadow: maybe your ex just fears rejection?

Next time my ex calls I will be sure to hand you the phone .

[BorisAcusio]

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us.

Robotic calls are skyrocketing, it is believed that most, although not all, silent calls are made by telemarketing agencies. By definition, a silent call is a telephone call that is generated by a predictive dialler which does not have an agent immediately available to handle the call. In this instance the call may be terminated by the dialler, and the called party receives a silence ("dead air" or a tone from the telephone company which indicates the call has been dropped.

www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html

[ShadowIntheNight]

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us.

Robotic calls are skyrocketing, it is believed that most, although not all, silent calls are made by telemarketing agencies. By definition, a silent call is a telephone call that is generated by a predictive dialler which does not have an agent immediately available to handle the call. In this instance the call may be terminated by the dialler, and the called party receives a silence ("dead air" or a tone from the telephone company which indicates the call has been dropped.

www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html

That may be. But my calls are ones where I  say hello twice and then the phone is hung up. I have experienced the calls you speak of. Usually if I wait long enough, someone comes on the line and starts their pitch, or the call just continues with the "dead air." My calls are me saying hello twice, and then I'm hung up on. Those aren't robotic calls.

[BorisAcusio]

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us.

Robotic calls are skyrocketing, it is believed that most, although not all, silent calls are made by telemarketing agencies. By definition, a silent call is a telephone call that is generated by a predictive dialler which does not have an agent immediately available to handle the call. In this instance the call may be terminated by the dialler, and the called party receives a silence ("dead air" or a tone from the telephone company which indicates the call has been dropped.

www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html

That may be. But my calls are ones where I  say hello twice and then the phone is hung up. I have experienced the calls you speak of. Usually if I wait long enough, someone comes on the line and starts their pitch, or the call just continues with the "dead air." My calls are me saying hello twice, and then I'm hung up on. Those aren't robotic calls.

Are you sure about that, Shadow?

If dead silence follows your “hello,” it’s likely the call is from a telemarketing center using “predictive dialing” technology, in which a computer dials multiple phone numbers over a short period.

When you answer, the computer is meant to quickly transfer you to an available telemarketer, and the usual sales pitch follows. But if all sales reps are occupied with other calls, you hear nothing.

Other times, these “abandoned” calls are prerecorded pitches that will not begin unless you speak loudly enough or in some cases say “hello” twice.



www.aarp.org/technology/privacy-security/info-08-2010/ask_sid_hello_hello_anyone_there.html

[JRT]

These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us.

Robotic calls are skyrocketing, it is believed that most, although not all, silent calls are made by telemarketing agencies. By definition, a silent call is a telephone call that is generated by a predictive dialler which does not have an agent immediately available to handle the call. In this instance the call may be terminated by the dialler, and the called party receives a silence ("dead air" or a tone from the telephone company which indicates the call has been dropped.

www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html[/quote]
That may be. But my calls are ones where I  say hello twice and then the phone is hung up. I have experienced the calls you speak of. Usually if I wait long enough, someone comes on the line and starts their pitch, or the call just continues with the "dead air." My calls are me saying hello twice, and then I'm hung up on. Those aren't robotic calls.[/quote]
Are you sure about that, Shadow?

If dead silence follows your “hello,” it’s likely the call is from a telemarketing center using “predictive dialing” technology, in which a computer dials multiple phone numbers over a short period.

When you answer, the computer is meant to quickly transfer you to an available telemarketer, and the usual sales pitch follows. But if all sales reps are occupied with other calls, you hear nothing.

Other times, these “abandoned” calls are prerecorded pitches that will not begin unless you speak loudly enough or in some cases say “hello” twice.



www.aarp.org/technology/privacy-security/info-08-2010/ask_sid_hello_hello_anyone_there.html[/quote]
I get those calls too and these are NOT those calls (for clarity, THIS is what a 'predictive dialer' does (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Predictive_dialer). I am not sure what telemarketing company would tie up valuable ports on thier VOIP servers so that they can call a guy in Michigan (and who knows how many other people) and just park the call without hanging up rendering their expensive IT outbound calling investment that much less effective? Why would they go through such lengths to hide their phone number by spoofing, these are people that wnat you to spend money with them? Hiding their number says 'don't buy from me', 'I'm a scam'.  Why would they do so several times a day, NEVER havinag an agent or message for months? How is it that the phantom telemarketers know when I am on vacation and don't bother to call? I don't believe that they are also stalking me on FB (I have established that my ex stalks me there)? How did the phantom telemarketing company get a hold of my 15 year old daughters phone number? If the calls are random, why would my daughter get one and then minutes later, I would get one?  How is it that up until 3 months ago, I had NEVER received this type of phone call? Why is it on the days that I do not receive this type of call, are days that my ex would be insanely busy with her job? None of this is smoking gun material, but all things considered I am pretty sure that it is her.

The question is academic  (Frankly, it has become irritating and the fact that my duaghter is now involved pisses me off) and consistent with the behavior that I have read about her over and over again where BPD's send blank texts. call using '*67' or a pay phone, stalk on social media and so on. Both Shadow and I (and many other members here) have reported this sort of activity that we highly suspect is the reponsibility of our ex. Given the nature of what had happened in my case, aliens landing a rocket ship on my front lawn would not seem to be a stretch. THis is standard BPD territory, the question is 'why do they do it?'.

Does it seem characteristic?, yeah... .totally. Especially with my ex's preoccupation with her phone and a bit of tech saavy.

I think that 'once removed' has the most likely explanation given the environment. I would go along with soothing if there were other activities that were more benign in nature such as a response tot he note that I sent along with her mail and such, but no such things have happened. Moreover, I have noted that 'object constancy' was a huge factor in the suffering of my exBPDfiance which, for example, made it easy to recycle freinds, family members and me (6 times). I recall that after recycles that she would tell me that upon mere sight of me, that 'something clicked' and the rage and effort to detatch would end right then and there. I am no object constancy expert but it this would seem to fit the bill... .

[zundertowz]

I have been getting alot of these spoof calls myself lately late at night... .apparently you can make these calls online without anyone knowing who it is... .not sure what to make of these myself.  There not telemarketer calls someone is on the other line then hangs up.

[enlighten me]

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

you say muted calls dont serve that purpose but nor do drive bys. They must serve some purpose even if its just to know you are still alive. I guess it depends on what level of access they have to you. If you have no social media and no other means then a cold call would work.

[JRT]

@Zunder

yes, there are a lot of phone apps for that... .you can download them for free... .you type in the phone number that you want to call, then you type in the nuber that you want to have appear on THEIR caller ID... .its that simple. Stalking made easy!

@EM 

Thats the mystery of the hour... .I wish that I knew... .I have my FB profile as 'public', so she and anyone else can see it. I caught her stalking me during the winter (whihc I think is normal anyway. What type of person would NOT check in on someone that they spnet 2 years with?) ... .the additional calls. I think, have to do with object constancy as 'once' suggested or they are a quixotic attempt towards making bona fide contact by checking to see what their emotional reaction is to a voice (I read a BPD account that spoke of this).

its getting to be a pain... .

[once removed]

"These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us."

i dont think im personally coming from a place of malignant hope nor encouraging it, and i get the feeling its not what jrt is describing, nor robotic calls. jrt in his last comment mentioned that this person has cyber watched him. hes laid out why robotic calls in this case dont make much sense and i agree.

this kind of ambiguous contact does happen. so does malignant hope and reading too much into contact that isnt really contact. again, that really doesnt sound like what jrt is describing.

enlighten me, i was quoting, those were not my thoughts.

[enlighten me]

If your not active on social media then it may appear as if your dead. Were dealing with people who react to feelings so depending how they feel from one minute to the next so who knows what they will do.

I would start a log. See if theres a pattern and see if your ex can be crossed off. Another thing you can do is report it to your phone company. They may be able to tell you if its an automated machine calling. I had this happen to me and it was a faulty machine auto dialling me.

[JRT]

@Once... .my thinking exactly... .I wish that I could count her out but there is no evidence to the contrary... .again, my intent from posting this was to get some understanding of what motivates this tpe of behavior, not a solicitation of hopeful encouragement, and i think that I have got it from your thoughts.

@Enlighten... .thats a good idea... .I have thought of doing that and superimposing it upon other calls, time of day, day of week, etc to sse if there was some sort of discernable trend that supports that its her. But demands of life have precluded me from doing this. Of course, I am already highly convinced that it IS her.

Let me ask you since you had the same experience: did you also have spoofed numbers? Were the circumstances similar to mine at all?

[ShadowIntheNight]

If your not active on social media then it may appear as if your dead. Were dealing with people who react to feelings so depending how they feel from one minute to the next so who knows what they will do.

I would start a log. See if theres a pattern and see if your ex can be crossed off. Another thing you can do is report it to your phone company. They may be able to tell you if its an automated machine calling. I had this happen to me and it was a faulty machine auto dialling me.

I'm not on social media except for linkedin and Twitter. My uBPDexgf has no idea of my twitter account. Or if she does she's forgotten. And I never use my linkedin acct tho recently it has been getting anonymously hit by a linkedin member (which she is). Neither she nor I FB. We don't live in the same city. I have no idea of her life, she has no idea of mine. However, I do receive these hangup calls. Not robotics, not me not speaking loud enough. Hang up calls.

I have kept a log. Every single one of the calls I have gotten, except for two I got in the evenings (which were coincidently tied to exactly when she used to call me at night) are right before the top of the hour or half hour. And I mean a few minutes, not 10 or 12. Those times are consistent with her schedule as a therapist because she always saw a client at the top of the hour. If she had a few minutes when we were together, she would call. Just to say hi and tell me she was thinking about me.

Again, for posters who may not know, my ex and I are women and were together 9.5 years. I am very familiar with her schedule. I know her kids are still school aged, so her schedule is around that, and I know she is at the same job in the same location. I DID NOT have hangup calls for the entire time we were together. And they certainly were not hidden behind a blocked number. But that's my experience. These aren't a robot calling me.

I suspect she doesn't call more because I honestly believe she might be afraid she really would say something. Frankly, I wish she would say something. Say anything... .

[enlighten me]

If I was getting them at regular times then I would get someone else to answer. I imagine another woman answering would shock them. If the calls suddenly stopped then you have your answer who's calling.

[disillusionedandsore]

I might chime in here... .I think this is very interesting... .I have had drive bys... . not near my house but in other locations where he knows I may be... .Routine comings and goings... .He is going miles out of his way for what? On the road reading a number plate?  Makes no sense... . But your comment JRT reminded me how he used to tell me (during rel,  after fleeing and coming back) that he "wanted to come back and talk to me but couldn't"... .of course I couldn't truly get what he meant having no idea at all then about BPD... .Several times he spoke like this... .as if the power was outside himself... .What I did understand is that his emotions were making it impossible for him to come forward,  reach out etc... . How sad

[JRT]

It shouldn't be a stretch to believe that our ex's are behind these calls as this is right out of the BPD playbook. The focus is on 'why'; what would drive a woman who did the brealing up, who went to great lengths to prevent any communication, who called the cops on me when I curcumvented her blocks, an otherwise highly intelligent and rational (at least realtively so) woman to do this kind of thing... .and to do it with regularity over the course of months?

@EM... .2 weeks ago my daughter answered my phone for me. That was a special case of an IMMEDIATE hang up. Then, a redial within seconds from another (spoofed) spoofed number. On that one I answered.

When yesterdays call came in, I had a woman that I had been seeing over who is familiar with the situation. I motionend to her to speak so that she could be heard. So far today, I have not had a silent call at all. Tomorrow, I am going away for a week with no access to my phone. My vacation has been well announced on FB (as was my last one where I receved zero calls). My home caller ID should do much more to confrim who it is. But again; my focus is not on the who, but rather on the 'why'.

[JRT]

I might chime in here... .I think this is very interesting... .I have had drive bys... . not near my house but in other locations where he knows I may be... .Routine comings and goings... .He is going miles out of his way for what? On the road reading a number plate?  Makes no sense... . But your comment JRT reminded me how he used to tell me (during rel,  after fleeing and coming back) that he "wanted to come back and talk to me but couldn't"... .of course I couldn't truly get what he meant having no idea at all then about BPD... .Several times he spoke like this... .as if the power was outside himself... .What I did understand is that his emotions were making it impossible for him to come forward,  reach out etc... . How sad

Thanks for posting this... .I had 2 years with my ex and got to know her very well... .my r/s was not the classic sturm und drang BPD roller coaster like most of the ones that I read about here, it was actually pleasant. We rarely argued or even disagreed and had many of the smae interests, goals and cultural interests The breakup and recycles were, of course, brutal. What you just shared with me is exactly what I have been suspecting about my ex through what she has told me after our recycles and just from knowing her and these calls, I believe, are a manifestation of this. I suspect that it causes her REAL emotional pain to even think about us; I am her trigger for something that happened long before she even met me. 

Yes, it is VERY sad... .the thing that they desire most they destory in this way and then are blocked from any salvation of their r/s. What happened with yours? Can you share more of your story?

[enlighten me]

I think why they do it is to feel a connection. The reason they dont speak or approach you is probably fear of rejection.

Just because they are dissordered doesnt mean they cant feel an attachment to someone. Not a healthy attachment but still an attachment.

[JRT]

I think that that is the best explanation given the framework of BPD. This is highly confusing coming from a BPD that did the breaking up and reacted to contact in highly extreme ways. I am guessing that something might have finally kicked in for her, the greiving in reverse that is sometimes mentioned here. Where she finally realized the impact and permanance of her actions.

[disillusionedandsore]

Oh Lord, I ended it,  very reluctantly and painfully after reading up about BPD and finding this site... .the dysregulations were nearly every other day... .he'd accuse every other sentence,  was paranoid even... .it was devastating,  I might be able to soothe or reassure him but there was always more... .It hurt like hell to be so mistrusted after all I had shared with him... .  He couldn't connect to our shared experiences,  memories from even the year before... .I had the sense that all my love,  loyalty and commitment instead of being an investment was a futile waste of time... .It certainly wasn't being appreciated... .to me 'our' memories were us... .But realising he couldn't remember or connect back in to them it seemed to me then that we just couldn't possibly grow old together.  Really it scared the crap out of me,  I was drained,  disappointed and terribly hurt and he just couldn't get it... .He hated to hear I was in anyway disappointed in him and I just couldn't do it. I had no idea then about the lying,  smear campaigns etc God only knows what he has said or done,  I don't go there... .Unlike you we had rages,  huge emotional outbursts (both),  tears and clinging,  intimacy but in hindsight not enough trust and the inevitable BPD decline. He had been diagnosed with Adult Adhd eighteen months previous and the denial I witnessed eith that was frustrating and heartbreaking... .I knew "BPD"  wasnt going to go down well and I felt I didn't have the right to insist on treatment etc

[Beach_Babe]

But JRT sent her a note indicating he was open to contact. Where is the fear of rejection coming in?

[Infared]

Mine (waif type) did drive-byes. Aren't drive-byes similar to hang-up calls?  There is presence but no actual contact... .

The "action" can be soothing, to a sick needy person. Contact risks rejection, even if JRT indicated that he was open to contact. Let's not start to expect normal, adult, rational behavior. That does not happen.