Do not seek revenge

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well over a year out now, well over it all. But a few days ago, I found something out - I heard that my uBPDex suffered greatly because of what I did right at the end.

After we had split, I was still hurting, she was painting me black, a mutual acquaintance was telling me of the bad-mouthing and I briefly lost my temper, and told her a few facts about what my ex was really like.

To cut a very long story short, almost 12 months on, I have now discovered that these truths I told led directly to my ex losing her job.

I'm in a place now where I understand that my ex did not set out to hurt me, it is just who she is, she was doing her best to cope in a terrible situation, and I was the collateral damage. I don't want her near me but I don't wish her harm at all, and it turns out I added to her misery and suffering in what was essentially a petty, rage-fuelled act of revenge with massive consequences.

I very much wish I hadn't done this. I have thrived since we split up, she is much worse off than me since I am not disordered, I contributed to my own demise in our relationship by enabling and accepting the bad behavior, and yet I went on to add to the wreckage of her life, to make it even more difficult for her to get by in spite of her massive problems and illness.

Please do not seek revenge. Once you have healed, you will likely regret it as I now do. They are already the losers, and in the heat of abandonment and extreme pain, it can be difficult to understand this. I wish I could go back and have had the strength to rise about it and walk away. It felt like I was addressing a wrongdoing at the time, but all I did was kick a broken person when she was already down, and that is something I do not feel good about now.

[camuse]

Well over a year out now, well over it all. But a few days ago, I found something out - I heard that my uBPDex suffered greatly because of what I did right at the end.

After we had split, I was still hurting, she was painting me black, a mutual acquaintance was telling me of the bad-mouthing and I briefly lost my temper, and told her a few facts about what my ex was really like.

To cut a very long story short, almost 12 months on, I have now discovered that these truths I told led directly to my ex losing her job.

I'm in a place now where I understand that my ex did not set out to hurt me, it is just who she is, she was doing her best to cope in a terrible situation, and I was the collateral damage. I don't want her near me but I don't wish her harm at all, and it turns out I added to her misery and suffering in what was essentially a petty, rage-fuelled act of revenge with massive consequences.

I very much wish I hadn't done this. I have thrived since we split up, she is much worse off than me since I am not disordered, I contributed to my own demise in our relationship by enabling and accepting the bad behavior, and yet I went on to add to the wreckage of her life, to make it even more difficult for her to get by in spite of her massive problems and illness.

Please do not seek revenge. Once you have healed, you will likely regret it as I now do. They are already the losers, and in the heat of abandonment and extreme pain, it can be difficult to understand this. I wish I could go back and have had the strength to rise about it and walk away. It felt like I was addressing a wrongdoing at the time, but all I did was kick a broken person when she was already down, and that is something I do not feel good about now.

[UserName69]

I found something out - I heard that my uBPDex suffered greatly because of what I did right at the end.

I don't think that's your fault, it's her BPD. My ex is a drama queen, she loves the drama and the attention she always wanted to be in the spotlight. I'm over her and I don't feel guilty about anything I said or did. She lost her job because of karma not because of you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey camuse-

I'm all for revenge, and the best revenge is a life well lived, but obviously that doesn't involve direct interaction with our exes.

So camuse can you cut yourself some slack?  If your relationship was anything like mine you were stressed a good deal of the time, probably constantly near the end, and we do things under duress that we wouldn't normally do.  Are you working on forgiving yourself, and how is that going?

[Trog]

And besides... .Revenge is a dish best served cold.

[zundertowz]

My ex could have ruined my life with her smear campaign and threats of false domestic abuse so im not really worried about the revenge I took... .my fighting back unsured she wouldnt contact me so I dont regret it.  There disordered I get it... .doesnt give them liscence to ruin peoples lives.

[Mutt]

Hi camuse,

I can understand how you feel bad about your actions. It's a difficult mental illness and often we're frustrated with the behaviors and may keep those feelings and frustrations bottled in for lng periods of time because we don't want to trigger our partners. We sometimes act in ways that is out of character for us. I can relate

fromheeltoheal has a good point to cut ourselves slack and forgive ourselves. I'll ask the same question as fromheeltoheal - are you working on forgiving yourself?

[Mister Brightside]

I agree with your point, not seeking revenge, but I think it's apparent that you weren't trying to cause her to lose her job. Had she not been bad mouthing you, you wouldn't have told this person the truth about her in the first place. And who knows (you would know better than I, obviously), maybe her employer was getting tired of her ____ anyway, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sometimes it amazes me how some of them (even the "high functioning" ones) can keep a job for so many years. The BPDex I dealt with had worked for her company for eight years. At times while talking to me on the phone, she'd put the phone down to talk to someone, and it amazed me how little she didn't care about her mask being off. The amount of carelessness/disrespect she showed some of those people baffled me. My point is, I wouldn't be surprised if your ex was close to getting fired anyway.

[enlighten me]

There is a difference between revenge and standing up for yourself. Revenge is a pre meditated act. What you did was set the record straight.

Smear campaigns can be very damaging and members here have been accussed of many heinous thing from rape, violence and even paedophilia. If left unchecked these smears can ruin you.

By setting the record straight you may have damaged her life but unchecked what would it have done to you? You could have had friends distance themselves, it could have got back to your boss changing your work dynamics. You could have ended up in an uncomfortable work enviroment with no friends feeling very depressed and having her thrive on the lies she has told. Would you be anywhere near as recovered as you are if this had happened?

I agree though that seeking revenge is wrong. Were bigger than that.

[camuse]

Thanks for the replies. I guess it's true that ultimately it was her employer who let her go, and it was because she had broken the rules in a major way.

It's also true I was stressed to breaking point and was sick of being painted as the bad guy, but of course revenge just reinforces that image in their mind.

I guess there's still a part of me that feels sorry for her, no one would want to be in their shoes ultimately. But then it's that inner white knight that got me into this mess.

I remember the terrible things she did with no remorse, no apology ever, and wonder why I feel guilt. But again, it's that guilt that they play on in the first place.

A reminder that all we can ever do is move on from them and take care of ourselves.

[fromheeltoheal]

A reminder that all we can ever do is move on from them and take care of ourselves.

Part of which is forgiving ourselves; how are you doing with that camuse?

[Arcturus81]

It was not revenge if what you said were "facts". If it was the truth then you have nothing to be ashamed about. Sometimes we become so accustomed to the lying that we accept that lying is a normal thing. Telling the truth is never anything to be ashamed about and if it caused her to lose her job then that was her mess up not yours.

[DyingLove]

And besides... .Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Of Course!

I find myself getting angry during the day, then I gotta "talk myself out of it". So one thought leads to bunches of thoughts and at the end I usually (somewhat) calmdown and leave it to God. (you may have your own method, thats fine).

It's kinda like, I don't want the bad thoughts coming back at me. If it is destined that she gets bit by karma, it's not at my hand, but I don't mind being the audience.  Make sense?

[enlighten me]

My ex wife looked to be having a great life which felt unfair. Turns out things arent so rosey. Her new husband has a very well paid job but doesnt spend his money on her. Also it seems he has a PD. He had five years of therapy for something and his proven alcoholic ex wife got full custody. Things arent at all rosey for her and apparently she is miserable. Karma?

[DyingLove]

Also, the ex I had, prior to my BPDex, that pulled the rug out from under me after 17 years, married a fellow 20 years older than me (was about 75). Nearly two years ago, he passed away from throat cancer. No one is exempt from fate/destiny/karma, what ever you choose to call it. Really sucks in a way, but then it depends if you are on the receiving end or if you are the audience.

[camuse]

That's a good comment above. Forgiveness for them and for ourselves - we all played our part.

It was just a reminder of how sad it all was. Misery heaped on misery to no end.

Another reason why all we can do is go NC and move on with out own lives.

Such a sad disorder

[Infared]

I did have an opportunity for revenge and I seized it.   I was not seeking it in any way... .but it was in the middle of me being mistreated (AGAIN) by my exBPD... .it was a God-Given opportunity... .that I believe I was supposed to act on... .and I took it.  IT FELT GREAT!  And I do not regret it for one second after all of the absolute *$%@ I endured.  It was my one moment of FU. Sick or not... .she had earned it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

That's a good comment above. Forgiveness for them and for ourselves - we all played our part.

It was just a reminder of how sad it all was. Misery heaped on misery to no end.

Another reason why all we can do is go NC and move on with out own lives.

Such a sad disorder

So I'll ask you again camuse, how are you doing in forgiving yourself?

[llor]

I understand you. Even if I have no interest in having any interaction with her once the divorce is completed; I don't want to cause her any trouble.

It is difficult, when her family (only her mother and father know how she really is) and friends keep telling me : just talk to her, all she wants is some closure and you have to be like "No. I won't and I have my reasons". You get painted black and there is nothing you can do other than suffer in silence.

As my divorce is still under way, I am still very very careful to whom I tell the truth about her in order not to riled her up too much. But yeah it is hard sometimes, to be the "bad guy" and being told by other that you are "being childish and immature" and that clearly all that she wants is some "closure".

Keep your boundaries up and be strong !

[Ren12]

I had the opportunity for revenge and took it as well. My thoughts are that the only way a BPD will get help is if the continual wake of destruction behind them continues. It is their choice to end the cycle. I was just ensuring the destruction done was seen by her friends and family.  Also, it may help any mutual friends that want to get involved to think twice.

[cosmonaut]

This is a really heartfelt post, camuse.  I know that you are feeling very badly about what happened, but as others have said the important thing now is that you are repentant.  So, it's ok to forgive yourself.  You made a mistake, in tremendous hurt and anger.  We can all understand how that could happen.  You've done right in owning up to it, and it's a brave and noble thing to come here and try to help others from doing the same.  I admire that.  You've also made some great insights along the way, and developed great compassion for someone who is very ill.  That's wonderful.  So, try and forgive yourself now.

[SWLSR]

Camuse

Defending yourself is not revenge.  I do agree with you revenge is not a good thing in these situations, but in the end she damaged herself and she probably refuses to get any help for it.  Part of letting her go is to allow herself to face the actions of what she has done.

[Pufoshenia]

I got a restraining order yesterday against my ex BPDbf because he refused to move out of my house, even after a month since our breakup. I let him stay so he could save money, but he still made my life a living hell. He still pushed me around, threatened to have me fired, threatened to sue me, etc.

He got served at work, and 20mins later he decides to come home. When confronted by my brother, who lives with me, he said he had 24hrs to move out, then he went back to work. My brother called the cops, who arrested him in his boss' office for violating the order. He spent last night in jail.

As messed up as it is, I feel so bad about it. I feel responsible for him losing his job and going to jail. I know he's hurting and I know I was the reason for it. I should feel that way about myself. I should hurt for my own pain and emotional trauma I've experienced at the hands of the love of my life. I went from being a happy and free person, to a depressed, anxious, and suicidal shadow. Who is mourning for me? Why can't I care enough about myself to acknowledge that karma caught up to him, and just thank God for taking him away from me when I couldn't do it myself?

[llor]

. I know he's hurting and I know I was the reason for it. I should feel that way about myself. I should hurt for my own pain and emotional trauma I've experienced at the hands of the love of my life. I went from being a happy and free person, to a depressed, anxious, and suicidal shadow. Who is mourning for me? Why can't I care enough about myself to acknowledge that karma caught up to him, and just thank God for taking him away from me when I couldn't do it myself?

I think its because when you are in a relationship with someone with BPD you carry their emotional load and put yours aside for so long that it is hard to put yourself first. Its a good thing that you got him kicked out of your house. That was not revenge, that is you starting to set-up healthy boundaries. Once he is it out of your life and you start instigating NC, you will start to feel better and with time, you will rediscover yourself, and slowly start loving and caring about yourself again.

[Mr Hollande]

I could have done things to my ex that could have lost her her job and worse. I could have bubbled her and the replacement to the police for drug dealing which may have landed him in prison and her with even more trouble with her son who had recently been in remand for armed robbery. The main reason I didn't was because I didn't want anything to come back to me. If all that had been unleashed on her I doubt I would have felt bad about it at the time. But it wouldn't have been fair on the son or the replacement. They are just two of life's cripples who are crawling on their hands and knees with her riding their backs. My quarrel is with her, not them. They don't need or deserve to be kicked more than they already have been.

A year later I feel it was a wise decision to not get involved in any revenge act. Not out of sympathy for her but for the potential prolonging of a painful experience that may have gotten messier from there. I'm glad I'm as far out as I am now. I don't wish her well but I know I don't need to do anything for her to suffer. She manages that very well by herself.  

[Mr Hollande]

I did have an opportunity for revenge and I seized it.   I was not seeking it in any way... .but it was in the middle of me being mistreated (AGAIN) by my exBPD... .it was a God-Given opportunity... .that I believe I was supposed to act on... .and I took it.  IT FELT GREAT!  And I do not regret it for one second after all of the absolute *$%@ I endured.  It was my one moment of FU. Sick or not... .she had earned it. 

Had I the opportunity present itself like you had I would at the very least have trouble not acting on it. As long as none can be traced to me - I don't want the hassle of having her on my case - then oh my God yes. A swift kick in the ribs from out of nowhere for old times sake. Here my dear, have one on me.

[Infared]

I did have an opportunity for revenge and I seized it.   I was not seeking it in any way... .but it was in the middle of me being mistreated (AGAIN) by my exBPD... .it was a God-Given opportunity... .that I believe I was supposed to act on... .and I took it.  IT FELT GREAT!  And I do not regret it for one second after all of the absolute *$%@ I endured.  It was my one moment of FU. Sick or not... .she had earned it.  

Had I the opportunity present itself like you had I would at the very least have trouble not acting on it. As long as none can be traced to me - I don't want the hassle of having her on my case - then oh my God yes. A swift kick in the ribs from out of nowhere for old times sake. Here my dear, have one on me.

I have to tell you what happened (this is after she ran off with new supply 2 weeks before X-mas out of our home and 5 year relationship... .lying and saying there was no one... .she left me in our home packing her belongings, feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas Tree by myself... .hurt and confused and full of anguish).  

She could not hide the truth for long... .and she became very abusive... .both of them... .acting out in public to hurt me... .just on and on and on... . I was dumbfounded... .but took it on the chin and acted like a grown up... .To tell you the truth I was just in SHOCK at the behavior.  And hurt.  Fast forward year and I have just started dating someone... .(VERY pretty and very well put together)... .We are on our way somewhere... .but I am in my car and she is in hers following me... .we are going to stop off and get a quick bite at Boston Market on the way to our destination... .I still cannot believe what happend... .LOL!  I cannot make this stuff up!

I stop at a light in the right lane of a 4-lane highway with my girl following me in my rearview mirror.  Its dark out... .I am just minding my own business... .and I happen to look to the left... .and next to me in the left-hand lane is my ex, by herself stopped at the light.  She (psycho) has elected to turn on her dome light, lean across the passenger seat and stretch her neck out toward me... .but is not looking at me... .kindof like "striking a pose" as if to say... .here is the candy... .but you cannot have any.  I have to tell you... .I am looking in the mirror... .my date is clueless as is my ex about my date... .and I am looking up in the air thinking "OK God, you are REALLY f'ing with me tonight, now aren't you??".

So... .in that moment I "KNOW" (don't ask me how) that my ex is going to the same strip mall the Boston Market is in miles down the road and sure enough... .she guns her car at the light to get in front of me for more control and abuse and you guessed it... .she is turning in, right where we are going.   SO... .IN THAT MOMENT... .I HAD JUST HAD ENOUGH OF HER CRUELTY, ABUSE AND LIES!... .Carpe Diem applies!  So... .of course she backs into a place where she could see where I parked across the isle facing her and I am sure that she thought I had followed her in to the parking lot like a little puppy to see if she could throw me some scraps... .What a sick human being.   My date parked right next to her across the isle (hee... .hee... .)... .So I got out of my car and my ex undoubtably thought I was walking over to her... .and I walked out to the middle of the isle right in front of her car and my date met me there and put her arm in mine.  I mean... .I could not have wished for more in that moment! LOL! AHHHHH... .I really had done nothing to plan it... .but she soo deserved the visual that I gave her!  A paid tactical planner could not have set that up better! LOL!  The shot must have hit home... .because when we came out of Boston Market to go to our destination, her car was still sitting there, empty, with the dome light still on!  (I smiled for days!) I would also be lying if I told you that I hope that she didn't need a jump start when she tried to start her car.  

That was the one and only time that I got any payback... .but I am taking that to the bank brother!    

[Arcturus81]

Infared I laughed super hard at that story. That is truly an awesome way of getting back at her. The best thing was that it involved no drama or actual communication on your part. Karma is an amazing thing.

[Infared]

Infared I laughed super hard at that story. That is truly an awesome way of getting back at her. The best thing was that it involved no drama or actual communication on your part. Karma is an amazing thing.

What was really cool about it was that it just kind of happened. I would never have tried to do anything like that as I am not a vengeful or jealous person... .but she was being so mean and just so "out there" in that moment and had been for so long that I just had to go for it. Disordered or not she really earned it. It was just put in my lap by the universe.  I spent part of the  the the rest of my evening apologizing to my unwary date... .but she took it ok.