Wow - my 15-year old son just got a load off his mind

[getting_better]

Ever since I separated from my dBPDw, my two teenage sons have been with me in my little apartment.  My 18-year old son has since moved out to his own place (which is awesome!), but my 15-year old is still with me.  Now that I've officially filed for divorce (about 3 weeks ago), his mom has been making comments to him about "joint custody", and how the "truth will come out about your dad", etc. etc. He told me tonight, "I will kill myself if I'm forced to have to go over to her house!". This is especially poignant for our family because his 19-year old brother actually did kill himself after his mom raged at him for a couple of hours one night last year. 

I felt soo grateful that I sued for sole custody of my son in the divorce petition.  I told him that and let him know that the court will likely appoint an evaluator to look closely at our family dynamics and take their findings to the judge.  I assured him that he will have a chance to tell his side of things and the judge will take that into account.  He asked me, "What is she talking about when she says 'the truth will come out'?  What have you done, dad?"  I'm so grateful that I've been trying hard to heal myself this last year through therapy, reading about BPD, support from this site, reaching out to family and friends, etc.  I was able to stay calm and just help him understand the disorder that his mom suffers from.  I reassured him that there are no secrets about me that are going to come out, and - above all - that we're going to be ok. We've chosen health and stability for our lives, and he will need to navigate this "new normal" regarding his relationship with his mom.  But he'll be able to do it from a safe place. 

I think it's gonna get worse before it gets better, but I was grateful for this discussion with my son. 

[ForeverDad]

As a teen less than 3 years from adulthood and soon able to drive too, it's possible that the court order, whatever it may turn out to be, may be somewhat unenforceable.  Why?  He can easily "vote with his feet".

The court may be skeptical that a youth wouldn't want to visit his mother and want to be sure one parent isn't alienating the other parent.  If so then a custody evaluation would take a close look at father, mother and children.  Just make sure that if you do get a CE then be sure to select a perceptive, experienced evaluator with a good reputation.

It's possible that his mother may back off once an in-depth custody evaluation is discussed.  While she may think she could con the evaluator, the risk of exposure might make her rethink her demands.

Also, son would do well to have counseling, in light of the family history it should not be optional.  Courts like counseling and that would assure the court that he was making use of professional help.

As for the divorce, remember that your wife's demands on other issues will probably be more entitled and unreasonable than what the court would rule if it had to make decisions.  While most cases, even our high conflict ones, do end in settlements, what gives us Leverage with the ex is knowing that we don't have to 'gift' everything away, we have the option to have the court decide.  Typically, seek court decisions is the more expensive option but generally less unfair than the ex's ultimatums.

[livednlearned]

What a weight off your shoulders that you could be so forthright with your son, no walking on eggshells. When my ex crossed the line and began sending inappropriate emails to S13, it created a similar conversation. It was the first time S13 came out and asked what was going on, why was his dad saying this. I have found it helpful to ask a validating question, "Why do you think that happened?" Sometimes, even though validating questions are intended to help our kids, they can help us a lot. It was the first time I learned just how much S13 truly understood. He didn't know what things were called, and didn't have words for the disorder, but he knew something was wrong and instead of turtling up and not talking about it (avoiding being put in the middle) we talked about the disorder. It's like shining sunlight in a dark room after years of being boarded up.

My T told me to be very honest with S13, which I found hard to do given the legal heat that seemingly followed us everywhere. There were times, though, when being blunt was critically important to S13's mental health and well-being and I'm glad I ignored the circus of court and did what felt right in my gut. It was cathartic for S13 to know that his perceptions were valid and people were listening and working on his behalf.

There is a whole other healing that comes. My son did an evaluation of his "locus of control" and it came out that he has an external locus of control. This is typically true for people who feel that they have no control over their lot, and these people tend to suffer from depression more than others. I interpret the results to also say that S13 feels like he's helpful to an extent, which in many ways he has been. I've been overly fixing and rescuing instead of coaching and helping him learn that he's capable of problem-solving. Until now, all his eggs are in my basket   and I'm trying to offload some of the work to him so he has confidence in himself.

It's a work in progress. I'm glad you're safe and on your own, and congratulations to your oldest for moving out! Is her nearby? Do you have a good relationship with him?

[getting_better]

It's a work in progress. I'm glad you're safe and on your own, and congratulations to your oldest for moving out! Is her nearby? Do you have a good relationship with him?

Thanks, LNL.  I do have a great relationship with my 18-year old son (he's not my oldest, btw - I have a 22-yr old son and a married 26-yr old daughter.  She's entirely on mom's side, but that's another story).  My 18-year old works with me in my business, so I see him at the office every day.  He's living about 30 mins away, but only 10 mins from the office, so life is looking up for him!

[Panda39]

As a teen less than 3 years from adulthood and soon able to drive too, it's possible that the court order, whatever it may turn out to be, may be somewhat unenforceable.  Why?  He can easily "vote with his feet".

This is exactly what has been going on with my SO's D18 and D14.  It's a moot point for D18 because of her age but she has gone N/C.  D14 was VLC for a few months and has since moved to a more LC position with boundaries.  Court order or not... .she now controls when and how she spends time with her uBPDmom.