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Author Topic: When did you have your "freedom" moment?  (Read 1304 times)
Arcturus81
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: May 20, 2015, 01:48:28 PM »

I am a little over 2 months NC. I have been doing everything suggested. I have been working out. I have been educating myself on BPD disorder and my own codependency issues. I have been meditating to calm the raging storm of my emotions. I have focused on work and achieved a promotion.

Still though, the worst part is waking up. She is the very first thought on my mind. I can't help it. It is also followed by the fact that she isn't there and with someone else. It takes me usually around an hour after waking up to get my head straight and remember why we aren't together.

What I wanted to know was if some of you could post your "freedom" moment. Could you relate a story when you saw a picture or them in person or heard about them and it didn't bring up the bad feelings associated with the past?

Just wanted to hear something good that will renew my hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks
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goateeki
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Relationship status: Married 19 years
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2015, 02:14:54 PM »

Six months into sham marriage counseling, when I sat in my lawyer's office and signed the complaint in divorce.  It was a great moment.  Haven't looked back in any way since, other than to realize that for 19 years we played marriage and neither of us really loved each other. 
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dagwoodbowser
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2015, 02:50:14 PM »

I'm not quite at a freedom moment, but I can tell you that when I randomly stumbled upon this site, BPD Family it was as though I was handed the necessary keys and tools that I was lacking in order to reach the 70+ days of N/C I know have. I was in a 2.5 yr r/s with a diagnosed BPD and we did many recycles, loops and replays. I blamed myself for the first B/U and was all too eager for the second re-do. However, when she dropped me the 3rd time for no real reason I realized something was very wrong, did research but still didnt have a good handle on what really needed to be done and went on to a 4th recycle that nearly destroyed me. The longest I was ever able to do N/C was about 30 days before either she or I would break down.

I would say Arcturus81... .that if you have Not done any Recycles then you are already further along than you think.
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valet
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2015, 03:31:33 PM »

I had that moment after about 2.5 months of LC/NC.

I have since re-established contact in pursuit of a friendship and my feelings of freedom have only intensified!
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Artimer

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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2015, 03:49:30 PM »

Yesterday. We had maintained contact on and off, her wanting to try again which didn't work out. Then finally all communication was via text (not much different to when we were together actually).

Anyway, last straw was her borrowing a tiny amount of money from me and then suddenly ceasing contact. When asked when she could repay it, she was full of excuses. Finally last night I said "just forget about the money, goodbye" and blocked her completely.

Only way for her to now get in touch is to come to my flat or work - which I'm confident won't ever happen.

Yeah, I've been around the block like most of us on here, and eventually we learn for ourselves.
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Sunfl0wer
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Relationship status: He moved out mid March
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« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2015, 04:55:35 PM »

For me, I am not expecting a moment, but rather, a gradual process.

What has contributed to me being able to detach:

Knowing that we logistically now cannot really be together... .at least not without great disruption to both of our lives.

Knowing that he is all of who he is... .not just the bad, not just the good, but all of it.

If I had hope that we could be together (which I don't) then I think I would be struggling more than I am.

I am not done detaching, he does still enter my thoughts, but not in any longing for him manner, but I'm moving in the right direction.  It seems the more I focus on moving forward with life without him, the farther I get from rebuilding a life that could possibly include him.  (This may be harder for those without kids involved.  As a mom, I have to consider how my S would view finding ex here again.  Others without kids may not have this additional motivation.  The more time passes, the more my life is less moving in a direction that he could just jump onto that moving train... .it just keeps moving)
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Arcturus81
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« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2015, 05:17:50 PM »

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know now that after over two months of her and I not speaking at all that if I still think about her then the problem lies with me and not her. I still have all the what ifs running through my head. I am thankful for this website as my family and friends don't understand what being in love with a BPD is like. The craziness and cruelty were really beyond measure but I still miss those highs. When things were good they were unbelievable. It really did feel like a drug. I know that it was just my brain fooling me into thinking that those feelings she felt for me were real. I know now that they weren't. It was her actions not her words that proved that.

I do feel a little better everyday. I am hoping by the one year mark I will be the man I once was, just older and wiser. Hopefully I will be recovered enough to be able to start another relationship and find real love. One day at a time is the only thing I know to do now. If you have experienced your "freedom" moment just know that I envy you and I hope you spread word of your success to all those here that so desperately need that hope. Thank you again and bless you all.
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UserName69
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« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2015, 07:35:36 PM »

Two weeks after the breakup. Things finally went the good way at this period. I had been working a long time on a business plan and I have had some success. Meanwhile I started a couple new hobbies, I started to smoke cigars and make sport bets I really enjoy these hobbies. These hobbies made me spend a lot of time with my friends, I have also met a lot of people. She isn't a part of my life anymore and she'll never will be and I'm really happy about it. I even met an another girl I have been dating with, all these things I have mentioned made me realize how bad that relationship was and I know I have a great future. So no need to stress about her, karma will get her one day.
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SWLSR
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« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2015, 12:36:33 AM »

Arct it just kinda happen.  It takes time effort prayers support.   I did not wake up one one day and say its time for my moment.  its like i woke up one day and i could not remember when i last thought of her.  I rarley do think of her these days sometimes i do i campare that to waking up on a cold morning and my knee hurts and i remeber i once broke. my leg.  My best advice to you is let healing happen dont try to force the issue.
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Tibbles
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« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2015, 02:26:56 AM »

About a year and a half after I left he came round to my house to drop mail off. I was home, out the front gardening so I felt I had to do the polite thing and talk to him. After an initial panic/anxiety attack that only lasted a few seconds I felt OK. I didn't get sucked into his negative talk, I only imparted info on the kids I felt comfortable with and when he left I felt fine. No shakes, no anxiety. It was a great moment.
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disorderedsociety
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
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« Reply #10 on: May 25, 2015, 04:46:10 PM »

Its ever-unwinding. It pops in randomly to say hi.
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Nodensphere
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« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2015, 09:36:27 AM »

Have to agree with disorderedsociety in that it does gradually, but eventually quite often, happen and you get a warm relief inside.

My first moment came at work where I could say yes to a social event for the first time in a long, long time. Instant panicked thoughts of 'oh my God, what about - aaaahh'. And so starts the cycle of enjoying yourself a little, being a bit more open with people, smiling easier and for longer, essentially remembering who you are without trying to manage chaos any more. Things become balanced and for want of a better word 'clean'. So the freedom moments happen more frequently.
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RedDove
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« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2015, 11:20:28 AM »

I would here that the feeling of freedom comes gradually in time. Everyone's journey, recovery and healing happens at a different pace. I've been out a year this week after an on again, off again 4 year encounter!

My ex BPDbf tried to recycle with idealization 3 months into NC. I had already found this site and read several books. So I was more educated on BPD and my own codependency/care taker issues. I didn't fall for it. He then attempted a friendship.

I met him for lunch and all he talked about was his dating "horror" stories. That he felt sad at the fact he'd "never" experience what he did on our first date again. I have no idea if it was true. He's a pathological liar and a cheater. He tried to kiss me after and I felt "nothing"! A freeing moment.

He then kept texting, especially on weekends. He was lonely, missed me, loved me, had deep regrets, etc. I didn't feed into it. He was over exaggerating his feelings and just looking for a fix. He then suggested hanging out as friends. Whenever plans were made he made an excuse at the last minute and cancelled. The same push/pull as when we were together.

I had some of my stuff in his trailer/camper. He made arrangements for me to come pick it up. When I arrived he had candles lit, a bottle of vodka (his fav, nor mine) on ice, and music playing. I was shocked at first. But also very aware because he led with charm and sex and our chemistry "had" always been off the charts. He kissed me and it grew into intense making out. But you know what? It felt like he was a different person. I didn't know who he was and it didn't feel right. I wasn't turned on, I was uncomfortable. I said I had to go and got outta there! He clearly wanted me to stay.

As I was leaving I took one last look around. Mind you I always felt and thought of the camper as "our" special place. However, what I saw disgusted and repulsed me. There were items (I will not describe) that were other women's, or rather used on other women.

In a way I feel that the "things" that get you stuck sometimes (at least in my case), can also free you. I thought he was the love of my life at one time. I don't anymore. I thought and ruminated about our attraction and chemistry, pined for him and our special place in the camper. I've let both of those things that got me "stuck" go now. My eyes and mind are wide open and It's freeing.
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