Why is he appearing in my dreams?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Almost five and a half months out of the r/s but dealing with lots of talk and gossip about him from others (just married his 23 year old gf that he had waiting for him when he walked out last December... .he's 62!  Lots of gossip floating around!).  At least 4-5 nights a week he and/or the new supply consumes my dreams at night. Some mornings I wake up feeling worse than ever because of it.  I can't even get a break in my sleep... .

Anyone experienced this too?

[sbr1050]

Almost five and a half months out of the r/s but dealing with lots of talk and gossip about him from others (just married his 23 year old gf that he had waiting for him when he walked out last December... .he's 62!  Lots of gossip floating around!).  At least 4-5 nights a week he and/or the new supply consumes my dreams at night. Some mornings I wake up feeling worse than ever because of it.  I can't even get a break in my sleep... .

Anyone experienced this too?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, and that's common around here.  I usually only dream in color during really intense dreams, the rest are in black and white; for months after I left my ex she appeared in dreams that were in vivid color, always the same theme but different situations.  And then one day they stopped, and I haven't dreamt of her in a long time.

So my theory, backed up by lots of 'seems to me', is that a dream is what our brain rewiring itself looks like.  The more traumatic the experience the more rewiring is required for us to once again make sense of the world and find peace again, and the good news is that work happens when we're sleeping, we get a glimpse of it in a dream.  So I say ride it out, content in the knowledge that you're on the mend, and one day they will stop.  To lighten the situation up, I put some popcorn on the nightstand and decided to enjoy the show.  Take care of you!

[DyingLove]

Yep, she pops up often. All kinds of situations in the dreams. In fact sometimes she is in dreams but she has a different appearance. (totally different person)  It's weird how dreams work.  Sometimes, in the beginning I would wake up crying and sad, and I mean really crying, but now, they are turning into interesting dreams. Sometimes I have odd dreams depending on what I ate.

[going places]

Yes.

Spent months not sleeping because when I did, it was consumed w/ the ex... .

Started praying when I went to bed... .fell asleep praying most of the time... .

Prayed throughout the day for peaceful sleep.

When I started replacing bad thoughts (the ex, what he did, what he was doing) with good thoughts (where I'm going, successes I will achieve, who I am to Christ, etc... .) THEN the nightmares started to subside... .

Then disappear.

Every once in a blue moon I will have a bad dream, but its usually because I had to email with him or someone mentioned something about him... .

But they are SO few and far between.

[BorisAcusio]

Mourning and remembrance formation



The first reaction to the loss of an important object will also usually be formation of an introject.

The process traditionally called mourning work is essentially represented by various kinds of

interaction and negotiation with this inner representative of the lost object. During this process, the

introject will increasingly fade away and finally disappear, corresponding to its replacement by

other forms of internalization and substitutive object relationships. This is often seen most clearly in

the subject’s dreams, in which the lost object normally gradually loses its vitality and often finally

appears as dying and dead (Volkan 1981, Tähkä 1984b).

In mourning, the subject has, with painful affects of grief and yearning, to face the reality of the loss

– in case of the death of the object, the absolute finality of the death: this will never be again.

Veikko Tähkä (1984b, 1993) has described a form of internalization dealing with the loss of an

important object. He sees it as the last phase of separation-internalization processes, the central

position of which, in dealing with an object loss, is well known but its importance, as a

developmentally higher form of internalization, has perhaps not been sufficiently recognized. It

means releasing, giving up, through mourning, the ties and the shared meaningful experiences with

this important person as never any more existing in reality. In this process which he calls

remembrance formation, the nature of the object representation alters; an object belonging to the

present and to the outside world changes into one belonging to the past and to the realm of

memories, the representation of an external and living object becomes a remembrance of the object,

the representation of a past object.



Almost 7 months out of our last recycle, I consider myself detached, but still had dreams of her - more like what she represented to me with her face indistinctly blurred - prior to my birthday. It's a natural part of grieveng and going to fade away with time.

[BorisAcusio]

Double post

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Sbr, sorry to hear about his super-quick marriage.  I can only imagine how that might feel.

I think you dreaming about him is great (if unsettling, upsetting, etc.) b/c your heart/soul/mind is working hard (aka sleeping genius, per below) to help you recover and resolve this r/s.  I've had quite a few dreams about my ex that have been very illuminating. 

Some have been very distasteful (one literally about sh*t... .yuck... .but so very accurate).  I enjoy looking at them to see what message they have for me.  I agree with the philosophy that our dreams come to tell us something we do not already know.  I welcome them and try hard to remember them so I can make sure to get the intended message they offer. 

Gayle Delayney has a great, simple and effective dream interview method for understanding our dreams.  Here is a long but good interview with her:  www.shrinkrapradio.com/103-the-dream-interview-method/.  Her website:  www.yoursleepinggenius.com/

I applaud you for having your dreams and remembering them.  I encourage you to "work" them.  There is so much of your wisdom available to you through your dreams. 

Keep up the good work!

[dobie]

I had a dream last night I was raging at her and blaming her and she just looked confused and dumbfounded I think its a way of my subconscious saying she is not normal so don't be hurt by her words and actions

[sbr1050]

I am just not sure what to make of them... .

The most vivid was a dream in which a friend and I went trail riding with our horses (at a park my ex and I walked a lot at together).  My friend and I did some riding and stopped to take a break.  I was sitting on a bench/tree stump when out of nowhere, I felt someone touch my shoulder.  I turn around and it is him.  He starts talking to me, crying. I cannot remember what he was saying but he was sad and upset.  The new 23 year old wife was in my periphery, running thru the trails through the woods.

What do I make of this kind of dream? It just doesn't make me feel good dreaming about him... .and definitely worse dreaming about her!  I am bracing myself for more dreams, as I suspect (from others) they are currently on their honeymoon... .sigh

[StarOfTheSea]

I've been dreaming a lot of my exBPDbf lately, too. They're very vivid dreams that I clearly remember  when I wake up. I just assume it's because lately I've had lots of stuff triggering me.

They make me sad because so often in the dreams we talk,  I just wish we could have done that in real life.

[Thread]

Sounds to me like you are experiencing a little bit of PTSD post traumatic stress disorder. It's common after leaving a stressful situation that's been long-term, or an abusive relationship. It's pretty normal and in time will go away. 

But beware, sometimes if you become stressed out over something else, these dreams may arise again.  I remember dating someone else and when things were difficult in that relationship I would have dreams about my exboyfriend screaming at me.

[UserName69]

I think if you're going to think a lot about something or someone you're going to dream about it. This is how I always have experienced it. I never dreamed about my exBPD but I did have a couple dreams about my current girlfriend. Today I slept with my girlfriend and I was dreaming that she was hugging me.

When I was with my exBPD I did had a lot of nightmares, there wasn't even a single day when I slept good. Especially whenever I slept at her place I couldn't sleep at all, sometimes I stayed awake while she was sleeping next to me. The only periods when I didn't have this is when we broke up. It's a weird thing I never understood. Maybe that's one of the reason why the breakup was easy for me, maybe because my exBPD had negative influence on my health, during the entire relationship I had with her I was always depressed. Since I met my new girlfriend I sleep very well, I'm not depressed and I don't have nightmares anymore. I still wonder what was causing this. It's one of the weirdest thing that ever has happened to me. Sometimes I really believed that someone doesn't want us to be together.