Did you chose "No contact"? What is your story?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Haven't posted in a while. Was doing a lot of work on myself . The last 5 yrs have been BPD awareness boot camp for me. I get it now.  I've recently immersed myself in Marsha Linehans work and am implementing her skills in my life. I think they're awesome for any human being who would like to have healthy relationships and stable mental health.

I am going NC with my u BPDsis who lives in my elderly  uBPDmom's house as main caretaker.

My awesome brother understands. The destructive repetitive dramas became too much.

I have a sense of responsibility toward the care of my 87 yo mom. Her BPD is burned out to an ember as she is on lots of meds for co occurring disorders. (Yay seroquel!) She is too fragile imo to come here  (3 hrs away) for  her twice yearly 2 week visits so my sister can have some time off. I will be happy to maintain a phone relationship with her.



So:

What finally happened to make u go NC?

What unwanted  fallout has occurred?

Did you write a letter?

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .   " I would like to do that.

I know she will tell my mom how hateful and selfish and disgusting I am. I don't care what she says about me but worry about how it will affect mom emotionally.

why do I feel so differently toward 2 people who  caused me an untold amount of pain in my life?

my mom has always tried to understand our relationship and has apologized for her part. She was messed up and she messed me up,  but was not aggressive, hating of everyone in her life with smear campaigns designed to destroy, vengeful or seeking to punish others.

That is my sister.

so your thoughts would be welcome and... .

thanks

[DyingLove]

No Contact is kinda like driving on a noisy road with the windows down, and about 20 minutes in you close all the windows and go, Ahhhhhhhh, quiet.

All the B/S stops because you disconnect from it.  My comment is not pertaining to people that see their ex's at work or live down the block from them, but getting as close to 100% NC is best in my opinion.

From the book: GETTING PAST YOUR BREAK UP, by Susan Elliot, (I recommend the book)

I just wasn’t letting go. I had to force

myself to end the contact, to walk away and not be available for a

phone call or a visit. I had to put boundaries in place and not

allow him to just move in and out of my life. It was tough in the

beginning, and it felt just like breaking an addiction. But to my

surprise, I noticed that when I started to decrease my communication

with him, I started to feel better.

Today if I had to pinpoint one issue that is almost universal

among people who struggle with their breakups, it’s that they cannot

or will not stop communicating. Over the years I’ve counseled

many people who have enormous difficulty staying away from

their exes. I’ve heard endless reasons people stay in touch, from “I

think we could be friends” to “I want to be available in case a reconciliation

is possible.”

Yet even when a relationship is truly over, people still have

trouble ending contact. In order to truly get past your breakup,

you need to separate emotionally, physically, and psychologically

from the relationship, and the primary way to do that is to stop

talking to your ex. Therefore, ending communication is a priority

because it will give you enough space to find peace, allow you to

heal, and help you move on.

In general, it is best to cut off all forms of communication, to

go “no contact” (what we call NC). Today it’s incredibly easy to

reach out and touch someone—too easy. Therefore, it’s important

that you make the decision that you’re not going to call, email,

text, or leave voice-mail messages, and you’re not going to

answer if your ex decides it’s time to talk. You must commit to

NC, and then do your best to keep that commitment no matter

what happens.

[Deb]

What finally happened to make u go NC?

The last straw was when my sister pulled a bunch of attention seeking stunts, ended up in the psych ward, divorced her fourth husband and claimed she was afraid of all of us.

What unwanted  fallout has occurred?

I lost a couple of friends, but that's about it.

Did you write a letter?

no, my sister did her silent treatment of me for the umpteenth time in my life and this time, instead of begging her to speak to me, I just took it as a sign to go NC. At least until she gets help which she will never do.

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .  " I would like to do that.

Actually, my sister told ME that she had BPD. Which she now denies, btw.

[oceaneyes]

What finally happened to make u go NC?

I have been dealing with my mother's rages for 4 years now. I knew something was wrong with her but I didn't know what. During her last visit to my home, she became physical with me and subsequently blew up at me over several text messages and voicemails after she had left. A friend had previously mentioned BPD to me in regards to my mother and after this incident with her I read a few books on BPD mothers and subsequently decided to seek therapy.

Though I've only recently learned that she most likely has uBPD, I had been distancing myself emotionally and physically for years prior. Since I have already pulled away so much, going No Contact was pretty easy. I did go through some bouts with F.O.G. where I felt extreme guilt, but I knew that it was the best decision for me. Without treatment, she will never change. My mother is a waif/hermit type, so I know that she will most likely never seek treatment. It is healthier for me and for her to not have contact. She brings nothing positive to my life, and I, in her eyes at least, bring nothing positive to her life.

What unwanted fallout has occurred?

She has been giving me the silent treatment since her blow up. I think, however, if she ever contacts me again, that I will just ignore her. I don't feel like I owe her anything, and I think a response would just fuel more rages from her in the future. I can only predict what that will bring, but I imagine if I don't respond that she will probably rage at me for a while and when I don't respond to that she will move on to find a new target.

Did you write a letter?

When we were in contact, my mother and I only communicated via text message and the occasional phone call. I have written a one sentence response based on responses I've read on this board that other members have used. I have it saved in a easy to reach place, but I doubt I would respond to her if she contacted me again. I believe a response would just start an argument with her.

Like your mother, my mom has also apologized after raging at me. It is hard to accept. I really believe that these apologies are not genuine but are out of an immense fear of being abandoned. She's not sorry for what she said or did, she's worried that I won't talk to her again. Her motives are always very selfish.

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .   " I would like to do that.

I've heard other people on this board say before that telling someone usually doesn't help. They feel attacked and generally won't take it seriously. If you really need to say something maybe encouraging her to seek therapy in a general sense would be okay. I guess it helps to step back and evaluate what your motives are for telling her you think she has BPD. Is it because you wish her well and want her to get help? Or is it to defend yourself for going No Contact? Just something to consider. I generally don't try to defend myself to my mother, she always finds a way to twist it.

I'm so sorry you're in the situation that you're in but know that you're not alone here!

Best of luck.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Oceaneyes, thank u so much for such a well thought out response. Some people say, yeah it's easy, but I am not feeling that way. Not bc I think my sister will hopefully change, but bc we 3 siblings are making decisions for my 87 yr old mom who may need a nursing home soon and

There needs to be some contact around that. If my sister reels my mother into the drama I am concerned about out how it will affect t mom.

About mom... .I know what u are saying about false apologies.i have seen this in other people's situations... .In my mom's case they actually were very genuine and remorseful. She couldn't figure out why our family issues were so messed up, and sincerely tried to understand them. Her mother ( an aggressive, cold BPD like sis) truly hurt my mom and she didn't want to repeat the abuse, yet this is an insidious disorder ( with a genetic component) that hold its sufferers captive beyond their will . 

My sis has never uttered an apology for anything out of her mouth.

The wish to end with, " Oh by the way... .  " is not a defensive move. I disavow any defense of what I choose to do. Really it is out of empathy that here is a person with a horrid disorder (imagine yourself imprisoned by it) that will never know that there is treatment out there that can get them out of hell. Marsha Linehan  vowed to get people out of hell when she developed DBT.  AS a sentient human with feelings for another one who is suffering, that would be my motive. That someone who knows should tell her, and the person who knows is me.

I do  separate between the person and the disorder. These people make us go no contact for a reason, but there is a person in there , and that person deserves concern as does any other.

This probably makes me sound weak, like I am primed to be  manipulated again... .No, I am way beyond that.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

"Until she gets help which  she will never do", is what you wrote and I was grateful for that .

I was under the impression that NC was absolute. I am learning there are reasons for flexibility under STRICT  circumstances. I  have been JERKED AROUND so long that I am ready now for STRICT.

A month ago I told my brother that it would only take one more stunt and I was ready to go NC.

That stunt happened 2 days ago (we always know another one is coming , don't we). But I knew I would have no resilience left and that I have problems that my BPDs  cares nothing about. And I am not putting her dramas ahead of my needs.

It's interesting, one thread asked us to look back at our first post to see how far we had come.i was astonished  to see it was exactly a year ago almost to the day.

what I saw in that post and subsequent ones is that I had  the head knowledge of what I was dealing with.I was saying the same things I say today, but today I move into  a new phase of leaving the disordered relationship behind.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Sorry, I meant my last post to be for Deb!

[laurakt17]

What finally happened to make u go NC?

     I was 17 and had been living in an already untenable situation with my mom for years. Finally, her drinking got so out of hand that people starting to figure it out, and we (sister and divorced father) worried that Child Protective Services would take me away.  Add in my Mom's unstable boyfriend who threatened to hit us for mentioning her drinking, and I ran away. 

What unwanted fallout has occurred?

     I don't know what else I could have done, but going NC was very painful. I know intellectually that it was the right choice, but it's still an agonizing choice. My mother died 18 months ago, and I'll always wonder what else I could have done. Probably nothing, but really, who knows?

Did you write a letter?

     In the first year after running away, I tried many long emails where I told her how much I loved her, wanted her to get better, missed her, etc.  None worked. Any criticism of her met with rage and any mention of me getting along with my father was even worse.

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .   " I would like to do that.

      I tried to mention that she needed help, meds, and whatever else.  That met with the worst reaction.  Not worth it.

      All I can tell you is that your choice to go NC is an intensely individual and personal choice.  You need to do what you must to cope with your proximity to this affliction.  Make your choice, but keep an open mind and allow yourself to feel however you feel.  Good luck.

[Linda Maria]

Hi sparrow!  This is an interesting thread.  for what it's worth - here's my experience with my uBPDsis.  She had always been difficult, and there had been isolated extreme episodes of her turning on me years ago, but I haven't lived with her for around 27 years, and live around an hour and a half away from her, and I thought we had a reasonable relationship, but I can see now, it was because I was very careful around her, and never confronted her on anything.  Anyway, my Mum passed away just over 2 years ago, and shortly after that she started a mad and disgusting smear campaign against me, and did everything in her power to stop us sorting out my Mum's estate.  So I am now NC as much as possible.

What Made You Go NC - I put up with a lot of hate mail and madness for a few months, but then she wrote some really stomach churning things that crossed a line for me.  She also was trying to drag my kids into it.  A light went on inside me, and I knew I couldn't allow this anymore, even if other people didn't understand and thought I was in the wrong.  So I appointed a solicitor so the nasty letters went to him, and used other professionals to progress sorting out the estate.  It exposed her behaviour because then outside people with no axe to grind could see exactly what was going on, and that helped me accept that it wasn't my fault, because she was treating them in the same terrible way, and they were just doing their job.

Unwanted Fallout - nothing really - other than in the letters, that got fewer, I was accused of excluding her, even excommunicating her!  But it was such a relief to have less and less contact, and I only responded to things where it was absolutely necessary, keeping it just to business matters, and copying in my solicitor and anyone else relevant.  She has more or less stopped communicating directly with me now, so from my viewpoint, NC - or very limited contact has been a success.

Did I Send A Letter - No - I just stopped responding, stopped trying to be nice, stopped trying to make her see that what she was saying was wrong and hurtful, and frankly mad.  Any communication from me, however nice or neutral, would just trigger more venom, so I just stopped one day.

Did You Tell Her She Has BPD?  - Again no - I don't think I knew about BPD when I started NC - I just knew there was something terribly wrong that I couldn't make better - and if I didn't cut her off somehow I would have a nervous breakdown with the stress of it.  Now I think she has BPD - but I can imagine the hell I would unleash if I ever suggested she get help.  Also - at one point it looked like I would have to take her to court to get control of the estate so I could sort things out - a few people warned me, that if she came out with all her mad stories in court, the judge might say she wasn't fit to be an executor, but also, might say she needed to be assessed etc. and sometimes that means everything goes on hold while the assessments happen, and the nightmare would just go on for ever, everything would be frozen until they deemed her to be fit or not, and she would never co-operate so it might have been even worse!

I would like to think that one day in the future I might be able to help her in some way, but I am not going to sacrifice my mental health for her, which I was close to doing 18 months ago.  Best wishes!

[HappyChappy]

What finally happened to make u go NC? My BPD mother started triangulating my two lovely kids. Then my NPD bro started slapping and hitting my young son and my BPD mon would blame my son for this. For making her golden NPD boy jealous ! That's when I twigged they had BPD & NPD I immediately went NC - never looked back.

What unwanted  fallout has occurred? I run a business so I got loads of time wasting crank calls, junk mail - they threw the lot at me. My mom calling my staff and telling tales. I've also been cut out of her will etc... .etc... .

Did you write a letter? After 18 months of NC, I simply asked my BPD make it clear to my kids that to act out of jealously (as my NPD bro does) is the sin, not to make him jealous. I gave he a way out, by saying my kids a confused as to why you blamed them.

No response at all. She can't apologies, she doesn't need to. She's quiet wealthy so she manipulates people that way. Not that they hang around.

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help, My BPD goes ape sh*t if you suggest she needs to change in any way. I once pointed out that she shouldn't chastise my young daughter for interrupting people as that's what she does. She sulked for weeks (my BPD not my daughter). So as an early post said "I'm keeping the car windows wound up tight" or as it said in the book Hotel New Hampshire "I'll keep passing the open windows."

[Sunfl0wer]

I am NC with my uBPDsis for over ten years.

The final straw was her beginning to perseverate on persecutory delusions re me.  We were able to repair things for a bit, following one such episode, after her giving me ST for years.  However, when she cycled re our r/s again, she did so with false persecution accusations again. 

I had little tolerance or reason to sit with her rages against me.  It wasn't productive.

She always cycled push/pull with me as kids, I just never knew what it was, other than what others said about her: "she's unstable."

Well... .  The persecution delusions toward me seemed to get intense.  The more time that passed... .it appeared the more resentments she collected to rebuild her case against me.

I emailed her, let her know this wasn't working for me.  I did state that she should consider BPD.

She never replied to that last email.  She did play FB games, but I never took the bait.

It makes me sad to think my sis is not capable of a healthy or at minimum: non damaging r/s with me.

My situation is less complicated than some in some ways.  I do not have pressure from other family members.  She already alienated herself from almost everyone we knew... .so there is no pressure of any FOG relayed to me by anyone... .unless I think in that way myself.

I am sorry for your situation.  I can only imagine that this feels horrible.  I actually in truth cannot imagine... .as I have literally forgotten.  (Part of my PTSD)

I want to clarify something... .

In case it appears that my relay... .or relation to this situation seems "simple" vs emotional or difficult.  I want you to know... .for me... .I am simply numb over it.  Please do not feel my account... .being unemotional is in any way invalidating... .I am simple numb.

I am not "unhealed" in anyway... .that is not how I feel.

My emotions feel like a long wound... .that you got 56 stitches for, was tender, now, while fully healed... .there is scar tissue... .the scar tissue is numb... .some nerves are severed... .so the sensation and wound... .while being fully healed... .is simple left a bit different there, but at its fullest end of healing none the less.

I hope that makes sense.

I hope that helps.

[Sunfl0wer]

No Contact is kinda like driving on a noisy road with the windows down, and about 20 minutes in you close all the windows and go, Ahhhhhhhh, quiet.

Thank you Dyingyoung. That is how I feel often around dysfunction... .that really hits home how the experience feels for me.

At first... .I feel uncomfortable... .I notice my ears feel weird... .like something is wrong or different... .just not sure... .and it alters the senses slightly... .but not enough to put an end to the experience. Enough though that you are not sure you are hearing and experiencing correctly... .because it alters your perception a bit.

Then you roll up he windows... .and realize... .wow!  Ok... .no I see what was going on!

Now you still had the windows down, and if it starting raining!  That would be clear!  We'd all roll up our windows quickly!  We know the boundary: when it rains... .roll up windows.  That feels like the physical abuse to me.  It is more clear... .we can see changes of wetness on our skin... .and respond to the consequences that will result... .We don't want the dampness to linger... .to damage the interior.  That is like bruises... .they are "evidence" of the dysfunction.

Whereas... .rolled down windows... .we are confused, however, where is the evidence?  It is baffling to sort out.

Then some of us will want to feel the wetness first... .to determine if it is actually an issue... .or how does it feel?  Good, bad?

Maybe this analogy has some flaws... .as rain is not something to judge good or bad the way physical abuse is.  However, it did help me organize some thinking about it... .while imperfect.

[MyLifeNow]

What finally happened to make u go NC?

There wasn't really a specific event, it was more of a slow boil. My uBPD dad lived in another city about a 5 hour drive away and I had gotten into the habit of using ALL of my vacation time to visit him. The problem was he had already alienated every other member of his family and had been slowly driving away everyone else that was close to him. The degree to which I became his emotional binky was becoming far too much to handle. I'd visit for a week and within 2 days the absurdly random rages would start popping up, with full on dissociation from what he was doing. I had tried to set boundaries around treating me with respect and once followed through on a threat to go home early if he didn't respect those boundaries. That got another year or so of "better" behavior. Then his acting out flared up again on the final day of a vacation to go visit him, which was clearly the abandonment fears taking control because I was about to leave. He had been acting particularly badly for days, and was seemingly jealous that I had spent an evening on a date with a female friend of mine who lived there rather than with him.

So when he started acting out really badly again I restated my boundary around him treating me with respect, that I had told him in the past that there would be consequences and that I would not be visiting again until he learned how to control himself. This was just low contact rather than NC. At this point I didn't even know what BPD was. After getting into therapy for some depression / anxiety issues I learned what had been going on, and when our contact via phone / email wound up being nothing but him acting like he had done nothing wrong or trying to get me to forget the incidents with stupid bribes I initiated NC. It had gotten to the point where if I saw his name on caller id or in my inbox my heart rate would increase. When I stopped reading his emails my stress levels immediately dropped like a rock. My IBS symptoms actually disappeared completely almost right away, and they had gotten so bad by that point that my waistline could grow or shrink by as much as 8 inches in just a few hours. I even had a couple of sick days at work because when I got out of bed in the morning none of my pants would fit.

What unwanted  fallout has occurred?

Nothing really. Thanks to his previous behavior I never got to know any of my extended family, and he drove my mom away when I was very young. I tried to explain the situation to my best friend. He didn't really understand, but it didn't change our relationship at all. I mostly don't tell people unless I know them really well and it is somehow relevant.

The closest thing to fallout was immediately after NC started, when he went to his best friend with this idea that the woman I dated while visiting him somehow put me up to this. His friend then emailed me which started a conversation where I found out he had always known there was something wrong with my dad. He had no idea the extent of it though. We wound up working together to try and steer dad toward therapy, but ultimately dad drove his best friend away too.

Did you write a letter?

Not at first. I was already LC so going NC was merely ignoring his contacts which were already infrequent. Once I figured out this was what needed to happen I waited until he began a new campaign to win me back so I would be his emotional chew toy again. I responded to one of his emails explaining that I had not forgotten how he had treated me and that I wouldn't forget. I explained that I had been warning him for years to not do that to me, and since he had proved himself incapable then I would be breaking contact for my own sake. He didn't believe me at first. It took a good 6 months or more before he figured out I actually meant what I said, and that I wasn't in an angry phase that would burn out when I gave up on getting an apology from him and went on as if nothing had happened.

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .   "

Well... .sort of. I didn't tell him he has BPD. I did tell him that he needs to see a psychologist after one email he sent me where he made vague and unsettling statements that sounded suicidal. I purposely didn't mention BPD because it really is something that needs to be diagnosed by a professional, and I'd read that if you tell someone they probably have it they're even less likely to seek help. He did actually go for help, but he started by whinging to his doc about me breaking contact with him rather than by bringing up his inability to form a stable relationship, none of the other members of our family wanting anything to do with him, the repeated DUI convictions and job losses, or the email where he admitted to me that he was wrestling with demons that he wouldn't wish upon his worst enemy. He could have simply printed off the email chains we had and given them to his doc but nope... .he had to hide all of that. So he got sent to a "family counselor" instead of a psychologist, and asked me to spend a week of vacation going on family therapy sessions with him. Naturally I didn't go. He did eventually get a referral to a psychologist but didn't take it seriously, and quickly went back to acting like nothing was wrong with him.

It was so utterly bizarre. One day he was sharing things on facebook about how important mental health is, but when I responded to one of his crazy emails by telling him that I didn't hate him, but that he was mentally ill and needs help... .he straight up denied that anything was wrong. Giving him any details about what might be wrong with him definitely did not help at all.

[polly87]

What finally happened to make you go NC?

I went NC in March 2014. My uBPD mother had been trying to break me by picking fights ever since I went to live with my partner. I got so sick of it all that I asked her not to contact me for 2 months. She did not agree with that and she kept emailing me and calling me. Then I told her in a final email that she did not treat me or my request with respect and that I did not want to speak to her anymore at all until I said it was OK. (A couple of weeks after that I remembered how she had sexually abused me and I decided to go NC for life.)

What unwanted fallout has occurred?

None. I had to go NC with my extended maternal family but I do not mind that. During the period of uBPDm’s fight-picking, my maternal grandmother sided with her and refused to listen to my side of the story. So I do not mind not speaking to her anymore. At first, I had not blocked any of my extended family’s phone numbers , but none of them ever called or visited to ask what had happened. That says enough for me.

My mother still tries to call me, but I have blocked her number (I only notice that she has called when I open the call blocker app on my phone). My partner and I moved about 100 km away from our previous home and we did not give our new address to my mother.

Did you write a letter?

I wrote an email (see above ).

Did you say “and oh by the way you have BPD get help bye bye”?

I did not, because I did not want to waste any more words on her and I knew she would not get help. She always told me I was the problem so why would she change that view?

Strangely enough, she saw a number of therapists years back, when I was a teenager. She would always quit after a couple of sessions and then try a new one. Now I understand that the therapists would have told her “ma’am you may have some serious issues you need to work on” or something like that and she would flat out deny that and quit to prove it.


Sparrow I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Wishing you the best.

Polly

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Thanks to all for your well thought out comments. They helped a lot.    I can't believe it has been only a week since my post... .feels like 2.

During this whole time I have been organizing all of my thoughts for a final email/letter to BPDsis.  Writing,rewriting... .It filled me with fear and inner turmoil the entire week. I would wake several times a nite dreading the day I would send it. Mainly due to what I saw as future drama shock waves reverberating that I would hear about from my brother, maybe, and my mom who my sister always stirs up keeping the conflict going bc she has always felt  jealous and threatened by me.   She is the one I want NC with.

Today my brother called me to ask for the data I had collected to contact the V.A. about mom's future nursing home needs.  (I had told my sister last month that I would be happy to handle all the calls since she has no time during the week. ) He said he would be happy to do it now.

He said he hoped I was feeling more peaceful since cutting my sister off, but I said, no I was more tormented than ever due to my wish to send this letter. He said, " Look, you don't need to send it, don't worry, you won't have to have any more contact with them.They're  never going to change. You can just forget about them and have a peaceful life "

I loved him for saying this. I said I would think about it. I now feel relieved, but somewhere inside I don't feel the NC is complete unless stated. Yet I think he's right. I don't have to write a letter.

You will notice he said " them  ". Yes, It was always mom and sis who pulled BPD stunts on me all my life. Yet my mom has (with dementia and meds) has shown the ability to have a non dysregulated  relationship with me in the last year. The relationship is very simple mostly about how she is feeling that day etc.

I guess I just wanted to have a regular (kind of )mom for once in my life... .probably a stupid thought.

[bubblegirl]

I'm NC with my uBPD SIL. She created a dramatic situation and it blew up and started giving me the ST. I decided I didn't need it in my life anymore. I didn't need to explain to her (thanks to this site for introducing me to the JADE acrtonym!) and writing her a letter would just be more of that. I can never win, because no matter what I say she's going to use it against me. She would never believe she has BPD, although for months I was tempted to let her know that it's why I'm NC. I've been working on letting go of that. I have to accept that a letter would only be more JADEing and telling her she has BPD would be more of me trying to help her. I can't help her any more than I've already done. I can only take care of my own family now.

I don't know if she realizes we're on NC, and honestly right now I just can't care. I can't let myself go down that road of worrying about her and putting 'keeping our family together' over the health and safety of myself and my children. Maybe writing the letter was a good exercise for you to get it all out. But you don't owe it to them to say any of it to them. I hope some of what I wrote resonates with you. I know how hard the decision is. I still go through days of anger and days of sadness for losing my sibling this way, but it's easier to deal with my own process when SIL isn't turning everything upside-down all the time!

No Contact is kinda like driving on a noisy road with the windows down, and about 20 minutes in you close all the windows and go, Ahhhhhhhh, quiet.

I love this! Our family's been so much happier on NC that I haven't regretted it at all!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Dear bubblegirl,

Yes u are correct, I forgot about JADEing  and also about the value of getting all of my feelings, reasons etc out in my writing of the letter that will not now be sent. Thank you!

[Meadowslark]

I'm 6 months into NC with my BPDsis (diagnosed). She's still up to no good and doesn't go to therapy or take any personal responsibility. She still posts daily online, whining for attention and making the usual "woe is me" posts in an attempt to garner sympathy. I'll be NC for life if she keeps doing what she's doing.


What finally happened to make u go NC?

She's 25 (26 this year) and she's been horrible since she was very, very young. I'm older by 4 years. It's been a long, slow and painful boiling process. When you're raised to be the one sister who isn't allowed to make mistakes (vs her, who was allowed to raise hell without many consequences), it builds resentment. Sometimes I really do hate her, but I know she's mentally ill and miserable no matter what she does, who she's with and where she goes.

The final straw was giving up on our apartment not 4 months into the lease, threatening me, threatening herself with a gun, lying and then pretending like none of the above happened. She'd tell me one story, run to mom, make up another lie for sympathy and when that didn't work, she'd rage like crazy. She stole my things (some of which I can't get back), conducted a smear campaign, stole money from me... .She ended up costing me $3k and wiped out every cent I had. I had to pack up and move at a moment's notice, break the lease and then threaten her with civil court to get her to pay her half of the lease-termination expenses. She thought I was joking. I wasn't joking.

She wrote a letter to me when she attempted suicide in January (via overdose on pills, which she broadcasted to her buddies online), but it was so out-of-touch with reality that it was insulting. Never once did she take any responsibility for her actions that caused these events, and even implied that these events were my fault. I never responded.

My BPDsis is extremely low-functioning and ticks all nine boxes, according to the doctors. She can't even brush her teeth. She seems to forget that people communicate and the lies get exposed eventually. My sister is a burning wreck of a person.

What unwanted fallout has occurred?

We used to play an online game together and since you don't have to talk to people face-to-face, smear campaigns are effective. The people she's wrapped around her fingers are gullible, and I was forced to leave the game I'd invested 4 years in. Dad blames me when Sis and I used to fight (even though she'd start it), but my relationship with him is as superficial as can be (he's NPD).

Other than that and having to live check-to-check for a while so I can rebuild my savings, my life has been so much better since I cut her from it. Peace and stability reign supreme! My mom is NC with BPDsis as well. She commented, "Life seems so much brighter now that we cut the soul-sucking ticks (Sis and Dad) from ourselves." I think she's spot-on.

Did you write a letter?

Nope. She wouldn't have read it anyway. In the off-chance she did, she'd use it as more distorted smear material to the few people who listen to her/like her (they're all online). Not worth it.

Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .   "

Nope! She already knows - she was diagnosed in January after the 4th hospital stay (from August 14 - January 15). They recommended DBT and gave her resources, but she chose to ignore them. Every excuse in the book not to go, as you can imagine. Then she ran off to the East Coast to live with an internet person she catfish'd. It's pretty crazy!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Wow, meadowslark, u have a low functioning pwBPD  on your hands. I feel for u.

[Meadowslark]

Wow, meadowslark, u have a low functioning pwBPD  on your hands. I feel for u.

I do, definitely. My therapist, who I asked about BPD, says that he's shocked at how low-functioning she is. He's not heard of someone with that little executive function. On the one hand, I feel bad for my sister. She didn't ask to be like this, but she also has a diagnosis and a treatment plan. She just chooses to ignore it.

Oh well! C'est la vie.

[heartsw3lls]

Hiya,

I'm up to six months of NC now (other than abusive messages that I don't respond to) with my mother since being thrown out and moving in with my partner. As far as I'm aware, she's exactly the same as she used to be.

What finally happened to make u go NC?

I found out she fraudulently used me details to run up debt she had no intention of paying off. I confronted this behaviour, to which I got a big old show about how sorry she was, subsequently I backed out of seeing her Mother's Day as I was still angry and she reacted with extreme anger and no remorse.

At that point, I finally realised that my life would never be peaceful and I would never be able to move forward with her in my life, as my partner highlighted, after contact with my mother, I seem to descend into periods of depression. Her presence seems to bring chaos and misery, nothing else.

What unwanted  fallout has occurred?

I lost contact with all my siblings for a long period, and still have to battle to see them now. Having played such a prominent role in bringing them up, I have an almost maternal instinct with them and would never want them to feel abandoned.

She also crippled my financial situation by putting me in serious amounts of debt following her throwing me out.

Eventually, my older sister who had always remained a neutral party has decided my decision of NC was a selfish thing to do as my mother was diagnosed with COPD and Parkinson's.

Did you write a letter?

No. I can't seem to be able to articulate how I feel about her and ultimately, don't want to push her over the edge - since any criticism is responded to with suicide threats.



Did you say, " and oh by the way, you have BPD get help,  bye bye... .    "

Unfortunately, she's already seeing counselors, which seems to have had little to no impact. If anything, I think it just gives her an extra platform to play out her victim complex.

Ultimately, she is your sister, but if someone only brings toxicity to your life and nothing else, self-preservation may mean cutting that person out.