Do You Believe in "Soulmates"/"True Love" Post Your BPD Breakup?

[ZeusRLX]

Soulmate - A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.

Was curious what everyone's views here are on the concept of "soulmate" and "true love" POST BPD breakup.

Here is my take on it. A soulmate as defined above is a very VERY dangerous concept for someone like me who is drawn to PD people. I would say that I KNOW the experience happened to me before and it might probably happen again if left unchecked but I also now know that it is madness, not anything real and something that cannot be sustained for me personally.

I have been told by people before "I wish I was as in love as you". Now I just remember it and smile and I go "you have no idea, man".  

So, basically "soulmate" was a concept that personality disordered people used to sell me on the relationship. And I participated in it, I enjoyed it and I take full responsibility for my delusions. But I am sure for someone this type of thing works. But not for me, that I know. The word "soul mate" is a huge red flag for me personally and no, I don't think if I feel as above it could be something that could be real or could be sustained for me personally.

"True love" to me is a similar and related concept that seems kind of cheesy and boring at this point. I think I'd take a "lively, respectful relationship with equal partners" over "true love" any day. "True love" to me just BEGS the next step of putting on the White Knight outfit and bravely jumping in to rescue the damsel in distress (till you are the one that ends up drowning).

So, yeah, no "soulmates" nor "true love" for me.

Now, it's your turn. Thoughts?

[once removed]

my feelings are mixed. i do (still) believe in soul mates. i believe in more than one soul mate, whether its friendly or romantic. romantically, and in terms of soul mates, i still feel there is "the one for me". destiny. its not that im right or wrong in this belief, its that its a value of mine and it was long before i met my BPDex. part of my lesson was that i simply projected that onto her and it was mirrored back at me. i have no one to blame but myself for that. it doesnt change my beliefs.

what it does do, like you, is make me question it. if i believe and am going to continue to believe in a "soul mate" what does it mean to me? i dont necessarily have the answer yet; its a hypothetical. frankly? i think so much of what id bought into came from movies, music, experience, and observing others. i think thats probably true for most people, especially if they believe in soul mates. movies, music, and others arent my reality, or necessarily reality at all, and my experience is in the past.

another truth is that, though i think part of me has always thought otherwise, i at least subconsciously believed your "soul mate" should complete you. i see and believe very differently now. im keen to meet people and make friends, and if a soul mate comes along in that form, great. i like to think my romantic soul mate will be seeking someone healthy. someone interested in a person that compliments her and her life, not completes them; and self respecting enough to stop and ask herself if i fit into that.

[FannyB]

Hmm. Never really bought into this stuff previously, but I did have an almost over-powering instantaneous attraction to her. Can't say that this was love, but it was weird - and not something that happens to me regularly!  If this happens in future though I will take it as a subliminal signal from a woman with BPD looking for a mate.   Then I will no doubt ask her out. 

[enlighten me]

I used to believe in it but now I dont think I even believe in romantic love.

Its not that im bitter but see it as selfish now. I see it as a means of fulfilling our own wants/ desires.

[going places]

Soulmate - A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.

IMHO (in my humble opinion)

This is all "feelings based".

"True love" to me is a similar and related concept that seems kind of cheesy and boring at this point. I think I'd take a "lively, respectful relationship with equal partners" over "true love" any day. "True love" to me just BEGS the next step of putting on the White Knight outfit and bravely jumping in to rescue the damsel in distress (till you are the one that ends up drowning).

So, yeah, no "soulmates" nor "true love" for me.

Now, it's your turn. Thoughts?

True Love? Real Love?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love, never fails.

Patient, kind. Rejoices with the Truth!, Always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. Never fails.

IT DOES NOT envy, boast, prideful; dishonor others, self-seeking, easily angered, and keeps NO records of wrongs, DOES NOT delight in evil.

Not 'feelings, or Disney based'.

Love is a verb.

Love is not feelings based. That's 'chemistry'.

Love is there when the colostemy bag needs changed. When the face is wrinkled, the body is tired, when the mind is going... .Love still caresses the face, warms the heart, and changes the bag... .

I am SO GLAD SO GLAD I did not allow my kids to watch hours of ":)isney".

They would have such a screwed up view of "love".

[Trog]

I am my soulmate. Im always here for me, I provide all my food, i tuck myself into my own clean bed and i soothe myself if im distressed. I realise that sounds 'sad' but it's the best feeling in the world. I don't need anymore else anymore to make me feel like I'm doing the right thing, or that im good. I have faults, but I forgive myself those faults. My body has been good to me and im happy for that. My mind is not disordered, and im thankful for that.

[DyingLove]

Did god plop us down on earth like the bible says?  Did we evolve from creatures in the water, or apes.

We also created language too. Soul is a made up word right?  Just like "the, is, ego, saskatchewan" and other words.

So we created a soul mate.  I think it's a good phrase, and I use it, and it boils down to what we think is the perfect other person for us.  It gives us a kinda oomph when we tell the other person that they are our soul mate too. Manipulating?  Maybe.

I thought my gal, my recent ex, my exBPDgf, my SOUL MATE was exactly that. But this morning about 15 minutes ago, it hit me like 2 tons of bricks that she loved me and then she didn't.  Just how do you do that?  How does someone in their right or un-right mind do that?  I'm stuck there.  It's like one minute shes alive and the next minute shes dead, BUT without the dead!  I think that is why if they "pass on" it's easier on us. (damn I'm sorry I said that but it's true).

Have you discovered also: Since you have found BPD (or it found you) people with BPD or PD's are just coming out from everywhere!

[Tomzxz]

ZeusRLX: The soulmate definition fits my relationship perfectly, how did the dictionary know her so well?  It's funny, even though it describes her perfectly, she never liked the concept of soulmates - she actually hated the term.  I'm starting to think she was visiting these board in the past before I met her, she is a sponge.  I heard a lot of BPD terms in passing conversation from her during our relationship.   Not liking the words always and never, using the word pedestal on the first date to describe boyfriends.  Black and white thinking... . 

[SWLSR]

if this is about theology I will answer it like this

I am a strong believer in God.  I am also a big fan of the Corinthian passage about love that going places wrote.  Now as for soul mates.  I am not sure about them.   Either they dont exist or that we humans do not know how to understand them either way I dont use the term.

[ZeusRLX]

I am SO GLAD SO GLAD I did not allow my kids to watch hours of ":)isney".

They would have such a screwed up view of "love".

What did your kids watch instead of Disney?

I certainly agree that old Disney stuff certainly encourages a lot of that unrealistic romantic love and white knight behavior... .

[ZeusRLX]

Have you discovered also: Since you have found BPD (or it found you) people with BPD or PD's are just coming out from everywhere!

Absolutely!

[Mr.Downtrodden]

No.

In the past, I found the term to be somewhat perplexing; now, it is nothing but a red flag.

This "we were meant to be" now reeks of salesmanship "selling" hype to my ears. The BPD's #1 play in ther playbook to manipulate you for their own self-serving needs, whatever they might be at that given moment.

It sounds bitter, but truthfully, it is a practical, logical thought: There is NOT someone for everyone.  How can there be?

These utopian phrases taught to people like myself when we were children do not prepare oneself for the real education we receive, via the school of hard knocks. Some of us, like myself, still have yet to graduate.

[Madison66]

Well, I don't know about "soulmates" or "true love" other than they seem to me to be standards or definitions that other people have assigned.  I heard the terms a lot from my uBPD/NPD ex gf during the "love bomb" phase of the r/s.  I bought into it and allowed things to develop too quickly while ignoring many  !  It was all very dangerous for the "co-dependent me".  Love is all we needed... .not! 

Fast forward nineteen months from the b/u of the 3+ year r/s, and I have an extremely different take on romantic r/s.  I spent ten months working on my recovery and detachment, specifically working on my co-dependency.  I dated a little and even had a short 2 month r/s with a dBPD woman.  I spotted the signs and RAN!  I was approaching my late 40's and finally felt like I knew myself well enough to know what I wanted from a r/s and a partner.  This looked totally different from what I experienced with my ex gf.  I am first my own "soulmate" and I have "true love" for myself. 

Just when I said to myself "I may not find what I'm looking for and I may just end up being alone for a while" (which was ok with me), I met an incredibly wonderful non PD lady with whom I've been with for the last 9 months or so.  Our lives parallel each other very well, even from a parenting standpoint, and it is just easy and fun being together.  Is she my "soulmate" and is this "true love"?  I don't really know or care, but it just feels good.  We have developed a really cool friendship and our love for each other is growing by the day.  Again, it feels easy and fun!  I don't know where it is going to lead and I'm ok with living in the present with faith about the future. 

[Arcturus81]

I don't think I believe in soulmates but I do believe in true love. After the BPD breakup I had my doubts as well about love. How could you not have doubts after experiencing something you thought was the most intense love you ever felt. I know now that it was idealization on her part and infatuation on mine. I had myself fooled that I knew what true love was. Just because I didn't experience it with my ex doesn't mean I have given up hope on never experiencing it. If I give up hope that I will never find love again then I have let my ex win and justify her devaluation. Don't give up.

[going places]

I am SO GLAD SO GLAD I did not allow my kids to watch hours of ":)isney".

They would have such a screwed up view of "love".

What did your kids watch instead of Disney?

I certainly agree that old Disney stuff certainly encourages a lot of that unrealistic romantic love and white knight behavior... .

We did not watch a lot of TV. We played outside, went to the library, went to the park; things like that.

When we did, we would watch Sesame Street in English, then in French. (same episode), some Bugs Bunny... .but a lot of Discovery channel type shows. Cooking shows too.

But that was on days where the weather was poor, or if I was sick and needed them to sit still for 45 min so I could take a quick nap to recharge my batteries!

[Bassoutcast]

Sure I do.

I think that what my ex did was separate the two for me - she was, in a way, my soul mate, and by that I mean she was everything on "the list" for me (and yes, there was an actual list), but she wasn't by any means "true love". I think I just saw her as my depiction of "perfect girlfriend" and kind of forced myself into loving her, when I really should have stayed nothing more than a good friend.

True love is different, it's loving someone for who they are, through good AND bad, not a one-way street that's only available in good times. I know of this love, it's the same bond I have with my family and close friends - stick together no matter what.

[UserName69]

Yeah of course, just because you had done bad relationship doesn't mean you'll never have an another one. The pain you're feeling is just temporarily soon or late you're going to meet an another partner and you'll totally forget about your exBPD. She wasn't really my soulmate because the relation was such a disaster. Couple years ago I had a serious relationship with a girl, she was my soulmate we did spend a lot of time with each other but that relationship ended 5 years later.

As soon it was over I decided to move on this time, we had just too many breakups and I don't want to continue with her. Just go to a bar or a club and you'll notice how many people there are available for you, no need to get stuck with your previous relationship you can't undo the past.

[enlighten me]

Ok say I may seem a little synical but since having two failed BPD relationships where I truly loved them I have re evaluated romantic love.

I used to see love as something almost spiritual/ magical. I now see romantic love as us getting our needs met emotionally and visa versa. It is what we feel is lacking in us that depends on our attachment and subsequently our"love" for another person. This may be why we fall so hard for pwBPD as in the begining that provide everything we need in heaps.

[disorderedsociety]

I think a "soul mate" is anyone who you have a friendship or other relationship with who holds a mirror to your soul for you to see and learn from.

I like the post above this one. That's probably the most practical and accurate way to put it. Relationships shouldn't be needed. They come and go. They're like icing on the cake. Or not even, maybe sprinkles.

[Suzn]

Soulmates? No.

True love? Yes, though not at first sight. Love takes a while to develop because it takes a while to really get to know someone. People are generally on their best behavior when they first meet, friends or otherwise.

[StarOfTheSea]

I think a "soul mate" is anyone who you have a friendship or other relationship with who holds a mirror to your soul for you to see and learn from.

I like the post above this one. That's probably the most practical and accurate way to put it. Relationships shouldn't be needed. They come and go. They're like icing on the cake. Or not even, maybe sprinkles.

That's a really cool way to view the soulmate concept!

I believed in both before I met my exBPDbf and I also believed in them for most of our r/s. But now I view love more practically. It's like I've lost the 'innocence' of soulmates/true love.

[Achaya]

Soulmate - A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.

Was curious what everyone's views here are on the concept of "soulmate" and "true love" POST BPD breakup.

Here is my take on it. A soulmate as defined above is a very VERY dangerous concept for someone like me who is drawn to PD people. I would say that I KNOW the experience happened to me before and it might probably happen again if left unchecked but I also now know that it is madness, not anything real and something that cannot be sustained for me personally.

I have been told by people before "I wish I was as in love as you". Now I just remember it and smile and I go "you have no idea, man".  

So, basically "soulmate" was a concept that personality disordered people used to sell me on the relationship. And I participated in it, I enjoyed it and I take full responsibility for my delusions. But I am sure for someone this type of thing works. But not for me, that I know. The word "soul mate" is a huge red flag for me personally and no, I don't think if I feel as above it could be something that could be real or could be sustained for me personally.

"True love" to me is a similar and related concept that seems kind of cheesy and boring at this point. I think I'd take a "lively, respectful relationship with equal partners" over "true love" any day. "True love" to me just BEGS the next step of putting on the White Knight outfit and bravely jumping in to rescue the damsel in distress (till you are the one that ends up drowning).

So, yeah, no "soulmates" nor "true love" for me.

Now, it's your turn. Thoughts?

Everything you say here is also true of me. I have been in relationships with a number of PD people. I was "crazy about" 3 of them, most of all the most recent one. She was the one who seemed most like the one I had been waiting all my life for. She said she felt the same way, that as soon as she got to know me, she knew I was The One for her.

We had a lot going for us, a lot in common. We talked many times about how amazing it was that we were so compatible. And we were in many ways. I had previously been in a 20 year relationship, and I had come to some conclusions about what is needed to sustain a relationship past 5, 10 years. I decided it was the stuff that was missing in my long term relationship, having common interests and activities, having a good sexual relationship, a supportive friendship. My most recent ex observed during the early phase of our relationship that it also seemed important that our "stuff" be compatible, so we didn't set each other off so much. I thought that was a great insight, and we thought we had that compatibility too.

As it turned out, we were not compatible in the areas that mattered the most to me. At this point in my life, being financially secure on my own and past childbearing age, I want a relationship primarily for emotional and physical intimacy. Past the first year of our relationship, my partner actively avoided emotional intimacy with me. Whenever we would get close for a brief period (like a week), I would think the relationship was deepening and I would be so happy. My partner would find ways to be away then, at first just emotionally, then later she would be absent altogether. She has talked to me since she left me about the fears our relationship brought up for her, and why she felt she needed to distance me, so I believe that it was her disorder that caused her to need to distance so much. But really, the disorder is part of her personality, and if she were to recover from it, I suspect she may always need more distance than most partners want.

A lot of people talk about having found their soulmate when they are first in love. I think that is normal for many highly intense relationships, not just with personality disordered individuals. I once went to a workshop on relationships in which the teacher told us that people usually spend the first 2 years or so focusing on how alike they are. Between 2-3 years the initial chemistry has worn off, and the couple discovers who their partner really is as an individual separate from themselves. In this phase they start realizing how different they are and can over focus on their differences, causing increased conflict. A lot of relationships break up at that point, but many couples have made major commitments, may even have children together. The teacher said it would be a lot better if people could wait out the initial honeymoon period and not commit until 3 years, so they know who it is they are actually marrying.

At 2 years my partner broke up with me for the first time. She changed her mind and I was so relieved and so happy! After that she withdrew progressively from the relationship, but it took me 3 more years to finally get that she distanced me because she basically finds intimacy to be threatening and toxic. For me, it was the central meaning and joy in my life.

I don't believe any more in the soulmate idea, or the arrival of The One I've Always Waited For. I do still think that compatibility and commonality in a number of major areas is what I would need to sustain a long term commitment. I don't have a lot of hope at this point of finding anyone who is compatible with me in those ways, but I would prefer to be single if I don't find a good match. I don't know how anyone can stay skeptical for the first 2 years about the quality of the match, however. I guess no one knows that. 

[still_in_shock]

The relationship turned my world view upside down. I got so frustrated in all things love between a man and a woman, and really stopped believing in the notion of unconditional love.

I think the damage is permanent. From a kind, selfless, giving and loving unconditionally person, I am turning in a  skeptic with atrophied senses for love, trust and care for a man.

I think there is no such a thing as a true unconditional love, except of a mother to her child. And that to God. I discovered the last to be the most safe, true and honest.

After him, these days, I hate all men.

[Tomzxz]

Still in shock:  i too am gradually working through it. I'm going through the cycle and currently experiencing anger like you are. I wanted to make it work but I couldn't make sense of her behavior. She projected hercontrol issues onto me and justified her fear of intimacy by splitting me/painting me black. I feel betrayed by her intimacy bait and switch, like she pretended to be someone she's not. I always said her personality changed from when I met her.(she actually said on face book that she can still love a person but cant be with them when she can no longer be the person she isn't)

The conflict and feelings of resentment between her and I escalated over the years and we were both suffering.She left and tried separation because she and I could no longer cope. I broke it off because BPD is a complex and difficult disorder.

Our therapist cleared the fog when she told me I would be much better off with an independent woman rather than the financially dependent and emotionally independent woman that she is.I realize nobody can live with her as long as her attachment style is “avoidant-ambivalent”, push pull and filled with drama. The life she lives is empty,shallow, shameful and devoid of meaningful feelings. She's an empty vessel witha hole in the bottom.She has a victim mentality and has little to offer to anyone on an adult emotional level other than pain and what she claims too offer is often fake, inconsistent or short lived.

Mental illness has taught me the most valuable life lessons andI continue to learn and grow. I have learned to be non-resistant and accepting for how things are. I had my rrole withthe conflict. I have a better understanding about myself, how important communication and relationship bonds are.

With that said, I will never forgive her for hurting me with my own love but the greatest satisfaction I can have is knowing that if she can’t courageously seek help she will ALWAYS run from her feelings and that her life will continue to be a living hell. She needn’t fear hell after death because she has been living it her whole life.

I don't want to hold on to this bitterness for long and neither should you, it's not my style, but grant us a few days of it for now and it will help us be able to move on from these selfish people completely.

[Achaya]

(she actually said on face book that she can still love a person but cant be with them when she can no longer be the person she isn't)

Wow! That is an amazing statement. It is basically what my ex also told me.

My ex said that she enters relationships with the best intentions but can't sustain them because she is "incomplete" on her own, and because she fears abandonment. (She abandons everyone else before they can do it to her). I don't know to what extent the initial person I fell in love with was real. My ex is painting herself all black now, so I can't believe all the negative stuff she is saying about herself. I am completely certain that she wasn't playing games (bait and switch) intentionally. She wants to be coupled, if only because all her friends are in committed relationships with children, and she wants to be normal.

If your ex was BPD, (the quote above is completely consistent with that diagnosis), then she wasn't just leading you on. She doesn't have an intact, continuous sense of self, so she can't maintain a connection to your self.

[ZeusRLX]

The relationship turned my world view upside down. I got so frustrated in all things love between a man and a woman, and really stopped believing in the notion of unconditional love.

I think the damage is permanent. From a kind, selfless, giving and loving unconditionally person, I am turning in a  skeptic with atrophied senses for love, trust and care for a man.

I think there is no such a thing as a true unconditional love, except of a mother to her child. And that to God. I discovered the last to be the most safe, true and honest.

After him, these days, I hate all men.

How recent is your BU?

[still_in_shock]

6 months

The relationship turned my world view upside down. I got so frustrated in all things love between a man and a woman, and really stopped believing in the notion of unconditional love.

I think the damage is permanent. From a kind, selfless, giving and loving unconditionally person, I am turning in a  skeptic with atrophied senses for love, trust and care for a man.

I think there is no such a thing as a true unconditional love, except of a mother to her child. And that to God. I discovered the last to be the most safe, true and honest.

After him, these days, I hate all men.

How recent is your BU?

[ZeusRLX]

6 months

The relationship turned my world view upside down. I got so frustrated in all things love between a man and a woman, and really stopped believing in the notion of unconditional love.

I think the damage is permanent. From a kind, selfless, giving and loving unconditionally person, I am turning in a  skeptic with atrophied senses for love, trust and care for a man.

I think there is no such a thing as a true unconditional love, except of a mother to her child. And that to God. I discovered the last to be the most safe, true and honest.

After him, these days, I hate all men.

How recent is your BU?

Assuming it's the first BU with a BPD person... .give it time... .

10 years from now you will be completely recovered and on to new things... .or at least that's what happened with me.

The thing is our life is so unpredictable and uncertain, it does help to be a skeptic but not in a negative or a self defeating way. I'm definitely a skeptic.

[still_in_shock]

Thank you. But in 10 yrs from now, I'll be in my mid 40s and, given the trauma of the deceit by the uBPDxh,  single and with no family of my own. Too late to wish for a new man, starting a family, etc.   

6 months

The relationship turned my world view upside down. I got so frustrated in all things love between a man and a woman, and really stopped believing in the notion of unconditional love.

I think the damage is permanent. From a kind, selfless, giving and loving unconditionally person, I am turning in a  skeptic with atrophied senses for love, trust and care for a man.

I think there is no such a thing as a true unconditional love, except of a mother to her child. And that to God. I discovered the last to be the most safe, true and honest.

After him, these days, I hate all men.

How recent is your BU?

Assuming it's the first BU with a BPD person... .give it time... .

10 years from now you will be completely recovered and on to new things... .or at least that's what happened with me.

The thing is our life is so unpredictable and uncertain, it does help to be a skeptic but not in a negative or a self defeating way. I'm definitely a skeptic.

[ZeusRLX]

Thank you. But in 10 yrs from now, I'll be in my mid 40s and, given the trauma of the deceit by the uBPDxh,  single and with no family of my own. Too late to wish for a new man, starting a family, etc.  

I know it's hard... .

There was a time when I too really wanted a family. But on the other hand I know so many married couples who are very, VERY unhappy.

And then I realized... .a relationship or marriage or a family... .is not the solution, it's the start of a new problem.

And I realized I could be as unhappy/happy living the rest of my life being single or being married.

And for me... .I think it would be better to remain single I think due to my attraction to the type of women unsuitable for long term relationships. And there are many benefits in that and I can still be very very happy as I am right now.

Whether that's true for you or not, I don't know.

But I think I realized that marriage is not for everybody and I just might be one of those people. The good news is, I can still be really really happy.  

You will be alright, just one day at a time... .you will feel better and find your way.