I think I'm finally seeing things clearly

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys, how's it going?

I'm currently about 2 and a half months out of a 4 month r/s with my BPD ex and I think I'm FINALLY starting to see things clearly. I'm no longer lurking in the land of "what-if", thinking if I said this or did that it would have turned out differently - it wouldn't. She refused to get treatment while fully aware of her situation, so maybe if I controlled my temper the r/s would have lasted LONGER, but it would certainly end eventually, and I consider myself lucky for not being sucked in COMPLETELY into a black-hole of a r/s that would've destroyed me (and in retrospect I was already making TOO MUCH of a sacrifice for that girl)

Let me tell you, the first weeks after it ended - I'd honestly rather be shot in the leg than experience it again, it was HORRIBLE, especially the first week. I couldn't sleep, eat and any hangout with friends ended with me bursting into tears and sobbing... .

But it gets better, it really does! I know some of the people here have been in a r/s much longer and therefor need more time to heal, but it gets better guys!

I've been trying to find different ways to get her back but lately I started thinking... .is it even worth it? what's in it for ME? I no longer have heartaches, anxiety and daily bursts of anger and depression... .I gave that girl EVERYTHING and more, ALL of my female-friends (and even my mom and sister) were envious of how well I treated her, and yet she tossed me away like nothing after all I did... .WHY would I want to go back to that? I want someone who appreciates what I do, someone who initiates compliments, cuddles with me and doesn't need constant reassurance of EVERYTHING... .I'm DONE being a hero, I'm DONE trying to fix what CAN'T be fixed... .there are 3.5 billion women in this world and I'm 20 for cryin' out loud... .I WILL find a girl who wants a serious r/s, who will love me for WHO I AM and not what I do for her... .and let me tell you guys - so will you!

I know it hurts like hell, I know you miss them but take a step back and think of YOURSELF, not them! YOU are a GREAT person, you are KIND, you are LOVABLE, you are a BEAUTIFUL individual that DESERVES love! and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!

Remember - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!


Have a nice weekend guys

Bass.

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys, how's it going?

I'm currently about 2 and a half months out of a 4 month r/s with my BPD ex and I think I'm FINALLY starting to see things clearly. I'm no longer lurking in the land of "what-if", thinking if I said this or did that it would have turned out differently - it wouldn't. She refused to get treatment while fully aware of her situation, so maybe if I controlled my temper the r/s would have lasted LONGER, but it would certainly end eventually, and I consider myself lucky for not being sucked in COMPLETELY into a black-hole of a r/s that would've destroyed me (and in retrospect I was already making TOO MUCH of a sacrifice for that girl)

Let me tell you, the first weeks after it ended - I'd honestly rather be shot in the leg than experience it again, it was HORRIBLE, especially the first week. I couldn't sleep, eat and any hangout with friends ended with me bursting into tears and sobbing... .

But it gets better, it really does! I know some of the people here have been in a r/s much longer and therefor need more time to heal, but it gets better guys!

I've been trying to find different ways to get her back but lately I started thinking... .is it even worth it? what's in it for ME? I no longer have heartaches, anxiety and daily bursts of anger and depression... .I gave that girl EVERYTHING and more, ALL of my female-friends (and even my mom and sister) were envious of how well I treated her, and yet she tossed me away like nothing after all I did... .WHY would I want to go back to that? I want someone who appreciates what I do, someone who initiates compliments, cuddles with me and doesn't need constant reassurance of EVERYTHING... .I'm DONE being a hero, I'm DONE trying to fix what CAN'T be fixed... .there are 3.5 billion women in this world and I'm 20 for cryin' out loud... .I WILL find a girl who wants a serious r/s, who will love me for WHO I AM and not what I do for her... .and let me tell you guys - so will you!

I know it hurts like hell, I know you miss them but take a step back and think of YOURSELF, not them! YOU are a GREAT person, you are KIND, you are LOVABLE, you are a BEAUTIFUL individual that DESERVES love! and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!

Remember - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!


Have a nice weekend guys

Bass.

[once removed]

congratulations bassoutcast, on this major turning point. you are turning the focus back to you, and doing right by you, and achieving a great deal of detachment 

[Allmessedup]

I agree with once removed... .where you are at is a turning point.  Recognizing that you have needs and matter equally in the relationship is incredibly important.

I know personally I just did the whole back together thing.  Nothing changed.

When I was on the boards last time I had several members ask some really hard questions that were very important in my healing... .so I am going to ask you one.

I haven't read your story (sorry) but you said you had been thinking about finding ways to get her back.  My question is why?  What did the relationship give you?

[Bassoutcast]

I haven't read your story (sorry) but you said you had been thinking about finding ways to get her back.  My question is why?  What did the relationship give you?

That's a great question. The hardest part for me was letting go, and a lot of it was b/c not only did the idealization phase was amazing (like we all know), she was my first girlfriend.

I'm 20, haven't had a r/s before mainly b/c if I had this "ideal woman" stereotype in my head, plus the couple of girls I WAS interested in all were in committed relationships already, so when my ex "fit the standards" and we had really good chemistry as friends, I asked her out (even though I didn't feel anything towards her, it was more like "I'm lonely, you're lonely, most people suck anyhow, we get along so well already - why not give it a go?", and yeah, I actually used some of these words).

I think I was more "in-love" with the IDEA of having the perfect girlfriend (in my eyes), that I've waited years to find the ideal woman and IT HAPPENED. I had a sense of extreme pride - kinda like someone winning a golden medal at the relationship olympics, and I gave and gave and gave (quit the army, made sure I was always there for her even though she lived in a different city, canceled plans with friends and my band in favor of my time with her) and in the end got the boot when I didn't fit into her "perfect boyfriend" standards. One week it's "OH MY GOD, You're PERFECT!" (no sexual intention) and the other week it's "You're putting too much stress on me, I guess we're not compatible, blah blah blah".

So to sum it up - It gave me a false sense of "love", and I was addicted to it, but it was all about her, I didn't get anything but a sense of accomplishment, but I realize now that a relationship isn't some prize you win, it's a mutual bond of caring through thick and thin, not a black hole that swallows your affection, and although it saddens me that I "gave away" my first kiss to someone who in the end didn't care for ME but instead the way I treated HER, I now know that love IS out there, and maybe I won't find one soon (being 20 and looking for a committed relationship is a little far-fetched), but it WILL happen.

"All people come into your life for a reason, either as a blessing - or a lesson".

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi bassoutcast!

Thank you for sharing where you are at!  I'm so glad to hear that you are moving forward at a nice pace and feeling much better!

While I have been coming to BPDF, I have noticed and keep coming across familiar names. (I apologize as with my PTSD... .I have a poor memory compared to most) My point is... .that there seems to be a handful of us here that are about a month or two just apart in our journey of detachment and r/s ending... .and I'm somewhat feeling like you, and these others, are kind of my peer group around here! Lol!

Maybe we should all make a post to find our "peer groups?" Lol! J/k

Anyway... .

I'm trying to say that it am routing for you and others of us, from a more personal perspective.  I'm quite happy to hear you are moving along nicely!  (I preferred a fireworks or party hats emoticon tho)

I believe it was mid March my ex left the house... .but had announced us b/u earlier... .however I went through phases of denial... .so I'm a bit uncertain where to begin that time line of leaving.

Currently... .I'm not missing and longing for him so much as just having moments and chunks of time where I wish I was with a man.  I do have occasions where I specifically miss things unique to him... .not that often.  I think to move more forward for me... .is to focus more on loving me... .and the rest will fall into place more easily.

[Sunfl0wer]

So to sum it up - It gave me a false sense of "love", and I was addicted to it, but it was all about her, I didn't get anything but a sense of accomplishment, but I realize now that a relationship isn't some prize you win, it's a mutual bond of caring through thick and thin, not a black hole that swallows your affection, and although it saddens me that I "gave away" my first kiss to someone who in the end didn't care for ME but instead the way I treated HER, I now know that love IS out there, and maybe I won't find one soon (being 20 and looking for a committed relationship is a little far-fetched), but it WILL happen.

"All people come into your life for a reason, either as a blessing - or a lesson".

Awesomely amazing realizations!   

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the reply, sunfl0wer!

I'm actually getting back out there... .met this great girl that I think I like, my BPDex didn't even cross my mind when talking to her, she's nothing but a memory now 

Have a good week, guys.