How to deal with stress when there's no one to talk to

[Hmcbart]

How do you deal with the stress of a unBPD spouse when it's starting to affect your job?

I don't have to deal with her coming to my work and causing issues. The problem I'm beginning to have is how preoccupied my head is with all the issues at home, I can't focus on my job when I'm at work. I'm in T but only go a couple of times a month because of crazy work schedules.

I have no real close friends to confide in. I know from experience if I speak with her about anything going on at work that's bothering me, she will get upset and rage because of abandonment fears.

I end up putting up with a lot at work because I am the only one working in our marriage. If I could quit my job I probably would but there's too much at stake with kids and wife to do so.

So how do you deal with the stress when the only person you can reliably talk to about things is yourself?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anxia]

I can't. That's why I came onto this website. I needed an outlet. I try and get out and do things I enjoy but most of the time I'm made to feel guilty about it.

[Hmcbart]

I gave up on doing things I enjoy years ago. I have been to.d I need to do things more for me only to have her turn around and give me a guilt trip for trying.

The biggest issue I'm dealing with is a lot of things going on at work. I cannot speak to her about anything negative with work. She projects her impulsiveness onto me and says I'm going to just quit my job with nothing as a back up.

I don't do impulsive things. I've been in this marriage 20 years. I evidently learned a long time ago that impulsive causes change and that upsets the unBPDw. So everything I do, from buying a new TV to looking for a job, is very well thought out and planned. It's almost like playing chess, you have to thing 10 moves ahead.

I have just gotten so worn out with the stress and demands at home and the stress and demands at work. They are all starting to bleed together and are effecting my performance at work as well as my life at home.

[DyingLove]

How do you deal with the stress of a unBPD spouse when it's starting to affect your job?

I don't have to deal with her coming to my work and causing issues. The problem I'm beginning to have is how preoccupied my head is with all the issues at home, I can't focus on my job when I'm at work. I'm in T but only go a couple of times a month because of crazy work schedules.

I have no real close friends to confide in. I know from experience if I speak with her about anything going on at work that's bothering me, she will get upset and rage because of abandonment fears.

I end up putting up with a lot at work because I am the only one working in our marriage. If I could quit my job I probably would but there's too much at stake with kids and wife to do so.

So how do you deal with the stress when the only person you can reliably talk to about things is yourself?

This happened to me.  I was supposed to start up my online business, but during the 3-4 years we were together, I was exactly like you... .pre-occupied with the RS.

There eventually was only one way out for me, the BU, and it was actually initiated by the ex. I never saw anything coming at me.  I was financially broke, had no support and no one believed in me, health was going down hill fast because I was inactive and the stress was really doing a number on me, and she devalued the heck out of me (she always turned the cards around and said it was me belittling her).

This forum helped/is helping tremendously.  I had some friends from another male health forum that help with support and financially too. People around are sympathetic only to the limit of what they understand.  My bud traveled 1400 miles to rescue me.  I was falling apart nearly dead.  I'm not 100% now but I am getting better.

So that's my story, oh, and I never had a therapist. Can't afford one.

See if you can get away with wearing headphones and a music source when you can. Listen to inspirational stuff.  I know how the pwBPD can get under your skin.  -and don't discuss stuff with her, you know she will get batsh*t crazy on you. Mine did that too.

[Hmcbart]

This is the only place I can come and speak freely.

Sometimes I wish I was just like her. When she is treating me like crap because she's painted me black, I used to be able to shrug it off and forget about it. It never followed me to work. Now, it follows me everywhere. I can't get it out of my head and even at work it's still there.

I wish I could go from being mad whike in her presence to acting like nothing ever happened when with other people. I want that silent treatment ability that she employs so often.

It's official, I'm baths!t insane. I need a lobotomy!

[DyingLove]

This is the only place I can come and speak freely.

Sometimes I wish I was just like her. When she is treating me like crap because she's painted me black, I used to be able to shrug it off and forget about it. It never followed me to work. Now, it follows me everywhere. I can't get it out of my head and even at work it's still there.

I wish I could go from being mad whike in her presence to acting like nothing ever happened when with other people. I want that silent treatment ability that she employs so often.

It's official, I'm baths!t insane. I need a lobotomy!

No lobotomy necessary. But the bad part is that you are still together.  If you weren't then you would put NC to work for you.  When I was still with her, it was no where like when we broke up.  So much pain post BU.  Don't get me wrong, it was painful when we were together at the end, but at least she came home (when we BU, she did not come home often, went to her mothers)  So what are your plans for the future?

[Hmcbart]

I have two young kids 12 & 8. I can't leave them to deal with it alone. I have seen her rage against the oldest to the point where he now starts crying almost every time she tries to do homework with him. He cries with me occasionally but I think it stems from the way she treated him for so long.

I try to buffer most of her anger and rages towards me. She's never actually hit the kids but the way she talks to them and the way the punishments never fit the crime is worse I think.

So I'm basically stuck until they get older. I'm trying to work on myself and have talked her into going back to MC. I'm an optimist and always believe things will get better but even that is beginning to fade into reality.

If I could see a way out sooner I would probably take it but at this point I'm out if options.

[ydrys017]

So, your experience is practically a mirror to mine - the major diff might only be that I have 3 kids (S13, D9 & S7)!

I've only known about BPD for 11 months, stemming from a major physical altercation from spouse 12 months ago after which my T and our MC arrived at the BPD diagnosis independently, conferred, agreed, informed me.  I have no family or local support, but I do have a good T (we no longer see the MC, but she was good too.)

The one thing that has been reiterated by my T, the MC, this site, and the several books I've read is 'self care'.  You will not be able to survive, buffer your children, or be productive at work if you focus too much on BPD & her behaviors and not on yourself - first.  It's the O2 mask in a plane crash analogy, "you must put yours on first before you have a chance to save others... ."

This is very difficult to accept for those who have a history of fixing things, solving problems or resolving issues - especially if its your occupation!  However, this is different, it will not be solved by you - perhaps by no one.  Focus on yourself first, do not feel guilty (talk yourself out of it) for renewing a forgotten hobby.  Realize that part of taking care of yourself is being productive at work - again.  I have a very stressful job (corporate finance in a global market), and late last year found it extremely difficult to function at work - when the demands were very high.  The Holidays were bad.  In January, I got pissed and decided that 'I know how to do this, I got this far even with a BPD Mother, I will pull myself together and make this work for me and my kids.'

I'm still working on it, but it is better.  There will be stages of grief as you realize the loss of what you hoped for and expected, and learn that the ceiling of possibility is a lot lower than you dreamed.  I understand staying for the kids, as you are correct - they need protection, they don't know what is going on and the confusion, degradation and chaos can become unbearable for them.  I've heard the Dr Phil phrase "I'd rather come from a broken home than be in one... ."  However, I don't think that is 100% applicable when the issue is a dBPDw who is almost guaranteed joint custody... .

One more thought, IMHO - I'd put your time, money and energy into individual T before MC.  If you had to 'talk her into it', the results will be far less productive than you absorbing 1:1 with a T.  You can only change you, and in your situation right now - that is a HUGE 'bang for the buck'.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm in the same field as you just not global. Still very competitive and very very demanding. Some days I think I was treated better in boot camp.

I started T for myself in January. Due to the demands of my job, I travel a lot and can't go every week. I'm going a couple of times a month usually. I have been trying to get her back into MC for a few months. We went briefly last year, about 5-6 times.

The 1st two visits were all about how bad I am. How I never do anything around the house and never help with the kids. I took it in the chin and agreed to do more. I was already doing quite a bit. I asked for us to have a sex life and for her to show me affection. She agreed and all was good in the MC's eyes.

8 months go by and the little she was doing around the house dropped to almost nothing because I started doing everything. She is also a stay at home mom with a lot more time on her hands. During the 8 months we still had not had sex and almost zero affection. I asked if I was doing everything that she was asking for in MC. She said yes and I asked why then are you still not showing any affection and still no sex? I reminded her that she agreed that my doing more to help around the house would help her be in the mood more.

At that point I told her we needed to go back to MC. This time it was me doing the talking in the session. She agreed to be more affectionate and have sex. We even set a schedule because she said it would help. That was in August of last year. We went one more time after she had sex with me and I said yes everything is better.

After that the schedule went away, she always had an excuse why it wouldn't work or she wasn't in the mood. Usually my fault if course.

The MC was the first time I finally woke up to the fact that marriage is supposed to be about each of us meeting the others emotional needs. I had always done everything I could to meet hers. I was shown the reality of how my needs didn't even register to her. It was January this year when I learned about BPD.

After a few blow ups of my own, I'm not perfect but trying not to get angry when cornered. I told her we needed to go back to MC. We've it had one visit but I'm hopeful that the T can catch on to what's actually happening. The T wants to contact my T and our previous MC. I'm all in on this idea.

I'm pretty sure my wife will decide she doesn't like the MC if she ever feels that she may be one of the problems in our marriage. She painted herself as the victim with our last one after the whole scheduled sex thing. She said she felt pressured by two men to agree to sex every other Friday. I never pressured and actually never set the times, it was her and the MC setting the frequency. I just agreed to it after they were done negotiating. But she remembers me saying that if it was less than twice a month it was a deal breaker. I have dealt with once a year sex for 8 plus years so anything more would have been a plus to me.

I guess I got off in a tangent here. I'm am working on myself though. I make pretty good money and will gladly spend it in MC. Anything that give me an opportunity to let her hear from someone else that it's not all my fault.

As far as hobby, I have a Harley in the garage but with work and everything else I never get to ride it. She keeps trying to get me to sell it because I never ride it. I have basically told her that selling it isn't an option. She wasn't happy that I bought it and not happy I'm keeping it but oh well. It's the only thing I have that I don't have to share with anyone else. She will be gone before it is.