Disinherited

[terranova79]

So my parents have now told me that because they cannot stand the thought of my uBPDw getting any of their estate when they eventually pass on, I'm being written out of the will.

I realize all of the problems with my uBPDw and understand what my family's issues are with her and their confusion as to why I haven't filed for divorce, but I think this is unfair, unproductive, and even counter-productive.

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[workinprogress]

Are your parents BPD?  Just curious.

My parents pulled the same crap on me when I was 19 or 20 and wasn't doing what they wanted me to do in life.  Well, I guess I'm back in the will now, but since then I don't care about any of the stuff I might inherit.  It just doesn't matter to me.

When I was a young man and needed their emotional support, they trashed me and disinherited me. 

I can usually forgive easily, but that event has never left my mind.

[terranova79]

No.  I think they mean well and see how much this relationship has messed with me in the head.  Still, I don't think it's fair.  I also don't like feeling like my actions are being forced and, beyond that, this tactic makes me feel like defending my uBPDw despite all the indefensible crap she has pulled over the years.

[OnceConfused]

Terranova:

I can understand how you feel hurt when they take you out of their will. May I offer a different perspective... .

1.  You are an adult now. You can create your own assets and legacy, why let the feeling of entitlement cause your suffering?

2. Fair or not fair. THeir assets are their earnings and creation of their efforts, so they can do whatever they want with it. I think inheritance is a privilege, and not a RIGHT. 

3. I am sure it hurts your parents to take you out of the will as well. But the fear of your BPDw must be very strong to them, so be compassionate to their feeling and their own hurt (caused by your BPDw to them).

4. Another option is to put your share of the family estate into a separate trust, occurring only when they die and the will is probated. In this case, you can be named as the trustee, if you die then the balance of the trust will be given back to the other beneficiaries. The technique has been used when a person remarries and wants their new spouse to have access to a trust but when the spouse dies the trust goes back to the original owner's children, not the new spouse's children.  see if this can work with your parents.

Personally, I have 3 children and my wife has 3 children (from a previous marriage).  From the death of my 1st wife, I inherited a large sum of money and so I want the assets to go to my own children, not to my wife and then to her kids, if I die first and she dies second.  What I have done is to give my wife so much % of my estate, and the rest to my own children at my death. I make sure we have a prenupt in place. My wife did not like it but she has to accept, otherwise I would not marry her. It sounds calculated but that is the reality of life. I have seen so many people accidentally left all their assets to the new spouse, who happens to die even 5 minutes or years later, and the assets will be transferred to the new spouse's children. That leave the 1st person's children with nothing.

[Notwendy]

I think can be hurtful to not treat all children equally in a will, but that isn't always what happens. Basically, what you think is fair or unfair is irrelevant in this case, because this is not your money. Your parents can do what they want with it- leave it to their kids, the family cat, a friend, spend it all, or donate it all to charity.

Your parents worked hard for it, and they don't want it to go to someone they dislike. Hurtful? Yes. Punitive and manipulative? possibly.

Fair or unfair? Not your place to decide. It is their decision to make.