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[Longing_For_Peace]

Hello Everyone,

I am here as the mother of an adult daughter (age 19) diagnosed with BPD and rapid-cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic features.  She also abuses drugs, alcohol and has promiscuous sex with anyone who will give her the drugs.  I don't even know where to begin to start explaining my completely convoluted situation. It's that bizarre. However, the end result is that right now, my daughter hates my guts because I recently lashed out in a very hurtful way after having given her yet another chance to repair our relationship together and she ripped my heart out yet again.  She wouldn't take her medication, see her psychiatrist regularly and stay away from the drugs and sleezy men and girls (she thinks she's a lesbian, but she's only ever had sex with men, if you can call them that). These were all requirements I gave her for my continued presence in her life.  She has been hospitalized about nine times for suicidal ideation.  In addition, she cuts, threatens suicide, tells lies about everyone, including accusing me of choking her recently, has a history of false sexual abuse/assault accusations against multiple guys her own age as well as my own boyfriend (believe me, if he'd actually touched her in any way, I would be sending this from a prison cell because the man would be dead).  She always recanted these accusations later.  She managed to get CPS after me twice when she was under 18, and I suspect she has stolen money from me in the past, though I can't prove it.  I found out that when she was just 12 years old, she would spy on my boyfriend and I having sex.  How twisted is that?  I've never heard of any kid who was NOT grossed out by the mere thought that their parents engaged in sexual activity, and here she actually wanted a front row seat! She also has a predilection towards romantic relationships with underage girls, mostly online, but did travel to Florida a few months (via hitching rides with complete strangers-big rig truckers) ago to hook up with a 13 year old.  It all sickens and disgusts me. In addition, she and her brother engaged in some inappropriate sexual experimentation some years ago.  Neither forced the other, but the situation nearly caused me to lose her and got him arrested and nearly sent to prison.  He is absolutely NOT a sexual predator. She has no regard or concern for how her actions affect everyone else around her and most of the family is not talking to her anymore.  During her last hospitalization, the doctor told her that she tested positive for heptatitis, which of course she's not seeing a doctor for now.  I dread the day her birth control implant expires and she ends up pregnant.  It's going to be a horrible nightmare trying to protect her children from her.

At this point, I am experiencing a continuous state of despair and hopelessness related to my daughter, to the point where the thoughts I've been having scare me (I also have major depression and take two different medications for that, which usually do a great job controlling it).  The darkness inhabiting my daughter's body is evil and ugly.  My daughter was a beautiful girl.  BPD murdered her.  She is a monster, but she's my monster and I love her in spite of it all.  I believe I have lost her and the grief over her life choices and where she is headed literally threaten to crush me at this point.  If she's in my life, she hurts me.  If she's out of my life, she hurts me.  Throughout all of this, I live in constant fear that she's going to end up dead (either she's really going to kill herself one day or someone else is going to kill her.  She places herself in some unbelievably dangerous situations on a regular basis).  She's also likely to end up in jail soon due to an unpaid ticket.  I can see no end to the pain and I have no strength left to cope.  I am NOT a weak person, but this pain has become intractable. Earlier today, I texted her and apologized for all my mistakes (and there have been many), wished her good luck and said that I hope she is able to find peace and happiness some day.  She started calling me and texting me after that.  The voice mail she left was nasty and the text message even worse.  I sometimes wonder how I can go on when there will never be an end to this horrible pain and guilt I feel over my parental mistakes and inability to help her.  I was not a horrible mother, but maybe I wasn't as emotionally available as she needed me to be.  There are also other things I would do differently if given the chance as well.  She was always a difficult child from toddlerhood onward.  I spent so much time and energy just dealing with her behavioral disruptions and issues that I know my other two children must surely resent it.  They, at least, turned out ok, though not without their own challenges (son is a high functioning autistic and other daughter has depression with trichotillomania).

Sorry for the rambling.  I don't know what to do anymore and I can't cope with the heartache that she brings into my life. I just want it to stop or I feel I am going to lose my mind (what's left of it).  I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  I realized after not being able to sleep at all last night or today and having crying jags all during that time that I have to get help.  I feel like my life depends on it.  Sorry to sound so dramatic, but this is what it's come to. 

Thank you all for having this website up, providing so much useful information and taking the time to read about my totally messed up life.  Truly, I do appreciate it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Longing_For_Peace,

I'm glad you found the site, and wanted to thank you for posting. What you write doesn't sound dramatic -- this is BPD, in some ways one of the most challenging mental illnesses there is, and your daughter has bipolar 1 and psychosis on top of everything. Plus, she is legally an adult, although that just minimizes what you can do to help her  :'( and instead must let her do what she wants.

The continuous state of despair and hopelessness you feel is a big worry, and I'm glad you've reached out to a therapist for support. This is too big to go alone, and as you mention, you have your own history of depression.

What age was your daughter diagnosed? Does she accept the diagnosis of BPD (it sounds like maybe no... .since she is not taking her medication for bipolar)?

I hope you'll share more and let us know how you're doing. You're not alone, and we're here for you. 

[lbjnltx]

Hello Longing_For_Peace,

I'm so sorry for the tragic ordeals that you and your daughter have had.  The overwhelming despair and fears are robbing you both of peace and hope.

Once our kids reach adult age we lose our parental authority to make them stay in therapy or manage their lives/attempt to control risky behaviors.

For years we have been dealing with the fears and disappointment, the pain and isolation from understanding support, the stigma and feelings of embarrassment, the guilt and shame this illness brings into our lives.  We are grieving the loss of our hopes and dreams of parenthood, our relationship with our children, and what we want for our children.  This is disenfranchised grief.  I hope that you can begin to get some relief by reading this information and begin to process your grief.

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist soon.  You not only need to take care of yourself and have your needs met, you deserve it.

lbj

[Longing_For_Peace]

Hi Longing_For_Peace,

I'm glad you found the site, and wanted to thank you for posting. What you write doesn't sound dramatic -- this is BPD, in some ways one of the most challenging mental illnesses there is, and your daughter has bipolar 1 and psychosis on top of everything. Plus, she is legally an adult, although that just minimizes what you can do to help her  :'( and instead must let her do what she wants.

The continuous state of despair and hopelessness you feel is a big worry, and I'm glad you've reached out to a therapist for support. This is too big to go alone, and as you mention, you have your own history of depression.

What age was your daughter diagnosed? Does she accept the diagnosis of BPD (it sounds like maybe no... .since she is not taking her medication for bipolar)?

I hope you'll share more and let us know how you're doing. You're not alone, and we're here for you. 

Hi livednlearned,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  My daughter was officially diagnosed at 18, though there was talk of her having it before then, but as most on here will know, no one will give that diagnosis before that age.  Why not is beyond my comprehension. 

As for her acceptance of her diagnosis, it's hard to say.  She certainly likes to throw it around as an excuse for her negative behaviors, but then she refuses to take her medications, saying that they don't work.  Truthfully, she's never on them long enough to know whether they work or not.  It's a never ending cycle with her.  I wish so much I could find a lock down facility and have her committed there for long-term therapy and treatment.  But getting better has to ultimately be her choice, otherwise she will just go back to her old ways as soon as she's on her own again.  Judging from her Facebook posts, her apparent lack of sleep (she's got serious dark circles under her eyes in the picture I saw on Facebook), and the drastic changes she's recently made to her appearance (she's shaved the sides of her head and dyed the rest on top blue), I suspect another meltdown/crisis is lurking in the very near future.  Time will tell what exactly that will involve.  As I mentioned in my original post, she is likely to end up in jail sometime soon.  Strangely enough, that may be the safest place for her.  Situation is nothing but craziness. For sure there's never a dull moment where she's concerned.

[Longing_For_Peace]

Hello Longing_For_Peace,

I'm so sorry for the tragic ordeals that you and your daughter have had.  The overwhelming despair and fears are robbing you both of peace and hope.

Once our kids reach adult age we lose our parental authority to make them stay in therapy or manage their lives/attempt to control risky behaviors.

For years we have been dealing with the fears and disappointment, the pain and isolation from understanding support, the stigma and feelings of embarrassment, the guilt and shame this illness brings into our lives.  We are grieving the loss of our hopes and dreams of parenthood, our relationship with our children, and what we want for our children.  This is disenfranchised grief.  I hope that you can begin to get some relief by reading this information and begin to process your grief.

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist soon.  You not only need to take care of yourself and have your needs met, you deserve it.

lbj

Hi lbj,

Thank you for for response.  You're spot on when you say that ours is a disenfranchised grief.  I know personally, I often feel there is no one to talk to who will understand that her behavior is the product of a real disorder (my family generally thinks she's just an out of control brat who can be cured by a swift kick in the backside) and/or not judge me, even the professionals (one always wonders if, in the back of their minds, they don't cling to the old theory that BPD is caused by being a bad or abusive mother).  I am so thankful for this website.  While I'd give anything if none of us here had to endure the things we do, it is comforting to know I'm not alone in the challenges I've faced and will continue to face.  It also gives me a glimmer of hope to know that today, unlike in the past, there is treatment that has actually been proven effective.  Now if I can just find some way to motivate her to want to do the work involved to reap the benefits of that treatment.  Piece of cake, right? 

Though I have had a very rough few days emotionally, I am feeling better today. I do recognize that I've been in grieving for some time now.  It just seems to become much more intense lately, and as livednlearned mentioned above, the hopelessness is a definite concern due to my own history of depression.  I will definitely keep my therapy appointment Monday.  I know I need help coming to terms with what I feel is the loss of my daughter.  Though she lives, as her illness has progressed, she has morphed into someone I no longer recognize. 




 

[lbjnltx]

I'm glad you are feeling better today Longing.

I hope you see some success in getting your daughter to therapy.  Maybe you can get some helpful pointers from this:

Anosognosia and Getting a Borderline into Therapy

lbj

[livednlearned]

I often feel there is no one to talk to who will understand that her behavior is the product of a real disorder

This takes a real toll. My ex is uBPD and I wonder sometimes what life would've been like if I hadn't allowed myself to become so isolated. Trying to explain it to others felt so complex, I often ended up describing his behavior as "confusing," or, in the end, just plain abusive, to himself and to our family, mostly me and S13. But even that doesn't describe the complexity of living and loving someone with a full-blown mental illness.

I even felt that a women's group I was in didn't provide the peer support I was able to findd here, and when my son began to show worrying signs at age 9, there was literally not a soul in my immediate circle who could understand my concerns. They didn't understand uBPD x husband, so how could they understand S13?

You're a strong person, and resilient, and have probably been grieving for a long time, and may not remember what it feels like to feel good, genuinely good. Is that the case? There is nothing like talking to people who get it, in my experience. Not feeling alone has been the wind in my sails, even my therapist cannot provide that for me.

I also believe that changing the dynamic so that you care for yourself does change the whole family system. It's hard to say how far the effects will reach, and your daughter may be in a free fall right now and immune to what you are experiencing and the care you take, tending to yourself. I do think, though, that our kids are terrified on some level about what they experience, and knowing that we are taking care of ourselves, that we're strong -- it means something to them, though they certainly test it.