I have managed to stay a paler shade of grey

[townhouse]

May I say again that I am so glad to have discovered this forum and have learnt so much about myself, my partner, our relationship and of course BPD over the last few months.

I am coming to the realisation that my SO's deregulations seem to occur at about 3 monthly intervals. Or maybe it is just that life events and stresses take about this long to manifest and disappear.

This latest has occurred, I think, as he is very stressed because his daughter accidentally had gas/ petrol put into her big diesel 4 wheel drive V8 truck. She lives and works in a remote community and relies heavily on her vehicle. He is also stressed out because he had words with our builder who responded to him and now he hates him (the builder) even more than before.

I awoke this morning to the silent treatment and his angry face. I asked what was wrong and he replied that I had taken up too much room in the bed. Before BPD Family I would have Jaded until we argued but now I know better. I just made a cup of tea for us both and left the room.

Later he said to me that this episode with his daughter's car was a disaster. So now that I know about SET ... .that's what I did. I supported him that he had done his best on the phone to help the situation. I empathised that it was difficult being so far away and I talked truth as I saw it. This was followed by a long discussion about the builders failings ... .again SET.

He ranted and yelled but not at me, rather about these others things, and    now hours later he is much improved. Now he is back on his computer discovering injustice in the world.

I am almost positive there would have been a different outcome had I not applied the tools I've learnt here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

So now that I know about SET ... .that's what I did. I supported him that he had done his best on the phone to help the situation. I empathized that it was difficult being so far away and I talked truth as I saw it. This was followed by a long discussion about the builders failings ... .again SET.

Nice post townhouse.

This is the key to a successful SET for me.   To talk the truth as I see/saw it.   

Some of what I thought were my best SET and Validations fell flat because they weren't what I really thought, they were what I thought would keep my partner calm and manage her emotions.   And she can smell that coming from miles away.

Some of the worst, barely crafted, just blurted out in the heat of the moment SET's and Validations worked because they were my truth and she some how picked up that I really meant what I said.

Nice subject line by the way.   took me a minute to trip on the meaning.  Not white, not black, a medium shade of gray.  Now there is a goal.   

[townhouse]

Following on from my first post I have more to add and thanks for your support baby ducks.

While I have continued to remain greyish, my partners dysregulation is creating wider problems, and I am feeling so sad for him and for myself.

He wrote an explosive email to his daughter full of cursing and swearing at the guy who mistakenly filled the tanks suggesting that he did it deliberately. Result... .daughter in tears, doesn't want his help and him being more stressed. Adding to this we seem to have lost the support of the builder after he was raged at. The builder had been doing a good job and was very nice to me.

Also, we went down to the city for  appointment and stayed in my old townhouse which I have kept from when I was single. The people next door have a pool and spa and unfortunately put the spa pump on just when my SO wanted to go to bed at 9pm.

We have had problems with the noise before and it is a real pain, but this time his rage was so huge he rang and threatened law action and swore at the wife. He then insulted an old (literally 70) friend of ours who was visiting us. Then said to me why don't you go off with him, I don't care.

Whew all this in a couple of days. I tried to talk to him this morning (last night he was drunk) and I believe as well as having BPD he is severely depressed. He talked about that his life is over.

Since he had a heart attack and a stent inserted 18 months ago, he has been on medication thats side affect is known to be depression. He (of course) hates Doctors a thinks they over prescribe and over consult.   However , I think I was able to convince him to see the Doctor about his medication.

He has taken our other car that was in the city and driven back to the country leaving me to follow up in a couple of days ( my suggestion)

I feel so sad for us both. He is almost out of control. This morning he was really babbling about nihilism, search for meaning etc ... .interesting Yes ... .but said in such a confused way. I do actually know when someone is speaking in a mentally confused way such as he was.

So anyway, some time for me. I will visit friends, go to some shops we don't have in the country, go to a restaurant with my son... .and try not to worry and become upset about SO.

[formflier]

 

Good post... .you seem to be in a much better place... .have a much better perspective on things.

Have you tried "help me understand xyz?" yet.

That might be a great thing to employ over the email and communication misfires.

"Help me understand what you were trying to communicate to your daughter?"

You are listening for the real answer... .also listening for emotions to validate.

FF

[townhouse]

Thanks for bringing up "help me understand" FF. This sounds like a good way of trying to communicate.

Is this in the Lessons or from your own experience or both I guess.

[formflier]

Thanks for bringing up "help me understand" FF. This sounds like a good way of trying to communicate.

Is this in the Lessons or from your own experience or both I guess.

My own experience... .from a family T.  "why" sounds like a courtroom... .our marriage had become "court" where issues were debated... .with a goal towards winning... .having a judge rule in our favor.

That is not a marriage... .not a r/s.

Much better to understand your partners position... .and not be forced to agree or disagree.

FF