Meeting uBPDw stbx tmw night

[gomez_addams]

Tomorrow evening is the meeting with the parish priest and the uBPDw and I.

I'm sure she'll want an explanation. I know I can't always reason with her. I've been reading SPLITTING a bunch, and re-reading it.

I'm thinking I'll try to avoid confessing anything that could be used against me, and save my major mistakes for therapy, confession with the priest, and the 12-step group. Yes, I've apologized in the past for losing my temper and yelling at her... .But I don't think now is a good time to talk about me having a temper, lest it become a focus for her.

I also have no desire to sling mud. She's being abandoned... .For real... .I'm divorcing her. She has to learn to handle stuff, but I'm mostly interested in getting through this next month and getting to the healing. I also don't want to create months of drama that make more drastic measures (PLAN C, PLAN D, etc... .) necessary to get her back on the plane and out of state.

But I also can't be the passive giver who backs down 100 from every confrontation.

I guess if I stay boring, bland, and beige and try to avoid invalidating, it's the best I can do.

I also want to try to set some boundaries... .Or at least guidelines. I'm moving out. I'll be more supportive if we can settle... .She might be able to do some traveling if we settle quickly... .

I really have no idea how it's all going to go down. She'll probably accuse me of affairs and porn addiction and who knows what. It's hard to stay calm, but I've been practicing.

Anyone think the idea of taking ownership of the decision to divorce is a bad idea? Our religion is 99% against it. She's told me repeatedly that if it didn't contradict church teaching, she'd have divorced me long ago.

I'm not blaming her for the divorce in general. I gave up (for my sanity), and looking back I did the best I could, with tons of blunders along the way. I'm not beating myself up, but I just don't have a desire to go around and round about how I didn't love her enough.

Since she's wanted out of the marriage (but couldn't do it) I think that owning the "sin" of seeking a divorce, and reassuring that while the marriage was tough she didn't ask for a divorce -- I did -- might move her towards settling.

Or this might just be another chaotic year of chaos. Who knows. One day at a time, and whatever happens I'll try to maintain my integrity and my sanity and my safety.

Thoughts?

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Just to add... .She's very interested in me "finally being honest" and "giving her the truth"... .

I mean, what do I tell her that keeps this divorce train on the tracks? She is always 100% in denial of everything. One big issue is that we never resolve anything, and if I bring up one or two bits of bad behavior that are tied to text/email, that might force her to admit she has a role. But is that even good?

I don't care about winning... .I want to get her a check and s plane ticket and a divorce decree.

I'm pretty serene right now. It'll work out, even if it gets ugly. If I'm divorced by February with no strings attached, awesome.

Gonez

[mitatsu]

My StbpwBPD reconnected with me 4 weeks ago and was very interested in knowing the truth and getting honesty from me so we could move forward

i fell for this and the 2 things i told her she used against me within a week in a massive deregulation episode... .i forgot the core rule of no contact and no personal information given out

it's like giving the bullets to your own firing squad 

[GaGrl]

She is diagnosed and spent time in in-patient care, right?

One of the reasons a tribunal will accept for a Roman Catholic annulment is mental illness.

What would happen if you truthfully told her that you can not recover from the damage done by her illness and that you are incapable of living in that condition in future?

[gomez_addams]

She is diagnosed and spent time in in-patient care, right?

Undiagnosed. She did some inpatient work for an eating disorder.

As gor the annulment, the state won't buy it. And I need to be free.

Gomez

[GaGrl]

Oh, I wasn't suggesting an annulment rather than divorce - they are quite separate, civil vs religious. I just meant that mental illness is something that arises in church situations, and it could be a part of how you tell her why you are ending the marriage. Is coping with the eating disorder and other undiagnosed behaviors not enough for you to tell her you aren't able to continue the marriage, or will she deny the seriousness of something that required that level of care?

[gomez_addams]

Eh, I'm going to steer clear of that. Any discussion of her being unwell, sick, unhealthy, or whatever is a huge trigger.

I'll hit up the behaviors she can't easily deny (stuff said in e-mail, or stuff admitted to in e-mail), talk about how unhealthy the marriage is, and highlight the benefits of her getting on a plane (free money).

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Had the meeting.

Went well.

Lots to process... .I could see that she does better at controlling her emotions (she did some DBT at home over the past few months), but she has behaved well in group setting before.

Well, she did accuse me of having an affair. She has proof. Not going to describe it (for anonymity reasons), but it's unverifiable nonsense. She needs me to have cheated. Her conscience only allows re-marriage after death or adultery. And she has admitted in the past that she prays that I die (so she can be free).

She's unsure about signing the paperwork, but wants to press forward to mediation (financially). That's a good sign. If necessary, with the L's advisement, I'll consider offering her a default divorce. Don't sign, and you won't have consented. Doesn't stop the D-Train... .Just means the no fault proceeds without her interference. Win-win in my book.

There are some other bits of leverage to get her on that plane, but they're still in the works.

All in all, was decent.

And she went to meet a friend (female), allowing me to swing by and grab a few things from the homestead.

The priest did ask me to consider a special intensive type of marriage counseling. I agreed to consider, and I will get more details, but my decision will almost assuredly be to move forward with the divorce. She'll never forgive me for the affair I didn't have.

I stayed bland, boring, and beige throughout, but there were few provocations. she did launch a number of verbal jabs, but they were minor things I've heard a million times. And I respect her right to feel what she's feeling.

Gomez

[maxen]

Since she's wanted out of the marriage (but couldn't do it) I think that owning the "sin" of seeking a divorce, and reassuring that while the marriage was tough she didn't ask for a divorce -- I did -- might move her towards settling.

i admit i had the same issue as your w. i filed for divorce, and for many months after i served i was thoroughly uncomfortable with having done it. so i went to the parish priest (the family priest really, among other things he gave me the dispensation) and his response was that i shouldn't worry about that, "the facts speak for themselves." and recently i met with a canonist, whose response was "i'm surprised the marriage lasted as long as it did." i've kept everything within the RC community (therapists and psychiatrist also) and everyone has been incredibly supportive. it's been a wonderful relief for someone raised in a pre-V2 household.

so i think you have good insight into your w's frame of mind. and you needn't feel scruples, not that i think you do. but getting a canonist's ear was not so easy so if you reach that point you can pm me.

She'll never forgive me for the affair I didn't have.

indeed she may not.