If I were with her now...

[DyingLove]

If I were with my ex,

I would awaken between 5:30 AM and 6 AM.

I would feel the comfort of the mattress.

I would feel the heat of the body lying next to me.

I would open my eyes and faintly follow the paint roller markings on the ceiling.

I would cover her shoulder should the room be too cool.

I would begin thinking about the day.

I would quietly get up without disturbing her.

I would put my shorts and sandals on and leave the room quietly.

I would glance at the nine year old's room to make sure the door is still closed.

I would quietly enter the bathroom and take care of business.

I would switch on my computer on the way to the kitchen.

I would get the water going for coffee as I make sure the cups and press are clean.

I would, like clockwork, keep an eye on the time.

I would make myself breakfast because today is Saturday and I let them sleep.

I would sit quietly at the table and have my coffee and breakfast.

I would walk over to my computer, glancing at the nine-year-olds room to make sure the door is still closed.

I would check my email and any other important business.

I would stop and think, do I have enough time right now to work on my website.

I would hear the familiar pop of the nine-year-olds door as it opens.

I would feel, moments later, the small hand on my shoulder, and kiss on my cheek, and the familiar words, good morning daddy.

I would utter good morning right back at her, and then the all too familiar, go back to bed it's too early to be up.

I would sit with thoughts rushing through my head, knowing that my Saturday fate is already forming.

I would hear the nine-year-olds door once again opened minutes later.

I would catch out of the corner of my eye movement, and look and see a fully clothed and dressed nine-year-old girl approaching me.

I would look at the time and see that it's only no later than 7 AM.

I would tell the little one, why don't you go back to your room and read a book or play quietly so that we don't wake up mommy.

I would hear the familiar, I'm hungry or can I have some milk.

I would know that it's time to make the trip to the kitchen with the little one quietly.

I would make my daily offering of oatmeal or eggs to the little one, only to be shot down in favor of something sweeter.

I would have my morning discussion about what is good to eat and what is not.

I would have lost the battle in favor of the house remaining quiet as not to wake up mommy.

I would have realized that this point, my days hijacked.

I would have been asked no less than 15 questions by now concerning the world revolving around the child.

I would have asked her to be quiet no less than 10 times by now because she is intentionally making noise as to wake up everyone.

I would have heard the bedroom door opening by now, with a tired zombie-ish mommy coming to the kitchen wearing a green robe with black stripes.

I would have immediately said good morning dear, administered a hug and a kiss, and quickly handed over at least the rest of my coffee.

All this would have taken place, most likely before 9 AM on a Saturday morning. Although there were many spots where anxiety set into my gut, it's what I had, it's what I was used to, and it's what I looked forward to. On one hand I would give anything to have it all back. On the other hand it's like dropping a precious photo into the ocean and watch it slowly sink out of sight into the depths never to be retrieved. I looked at our little family quite differently than everybody else did. I saw that amidst the chaos and confusion of normal life, that the people, the three of us, were beautiful gifts of God. I can't be the only one that sits here now, thinking back with such sincere sentimental thoughts, tears dripping down my cheeks, coffee in one hand, the other hand stiff with tension. How can I be all that special to be given such a heartache as I have now?

[Mutt]

Hi DyingLove,

Do you see yourself in the bargaining stage in the 5 stages of grieving?

Lesson 1:The Big Picture

[Sunfl0wer]

DyingLove,

I cannot help but to feel moved.

I can see how you not only lost a dear r/s of a woman you love and were committed to... .

You lost the whole family unit.

You lost your role as partner.

You lost your role as daddy.

And so much more that I do not understand or know.

We all have our own journey, painful more, or less, or differently, for its own reasons.

Sometimes comparing is not considered healthy, however, I am feeling compelled in thoughts of the possibility of it meaning something positive to you.

One of the losses that pains me the most is the loss of my SD. 

What is different for me... .is many things... .

I began to loose her before the r/s with SO ended. (He alienated me from her)

Therefore, I did not loose them both at the same time.

I began grieving her loss 2 years before we b/u.

Had the lose of her and him occurred together and suddenly, I have no idea what state of mind/emotion I would be in.

At this moment today, for all that pain, I can actually feel grateful he alienated me from her ahead of time.

Another difference... .

I did not completely loose the role of mom.

I am still a mom to my son.

Had I completely lost that role... .my pain would go deeper.

Also,

I am not going through this loss alone, with no one who understands.  Although I do not expect my son to soothe my hurt over this r/s in any way.  I realize he is aware, he is gentle at times and I am certain he is being patient with my moments of sadness.  It is extremely validating to have another being respond quietly to the pain on your face that you are trying to hide by doing something as simple as offering to help go to the grocery store.

Also,

Trying to appear less depressed... .because of my son, is hugely helpful to my state of mind.

Hummm... .I'm going to stop there... .I'm not sure exactly how to express my point.

I'm a bit worried that my words could sound invalidating to you or someone else.

I think my point is to say that we all have our unique story of grieve and loss.

While my post is somewhat of a comparison, it is also intended as a message that we really cannot compare in many ways. 

Each of our stories of grief, love and connecting is very special and unique.

Thank you for sharing this piece of yours DyingYoung!

[DyingLove]

Hi DyingLove,

Do you see yourself in the bargaining stage in the 5 stages of grieving?

Lesson 1:The Big Picture

Thank you Mutt. Going over to read about bargaining, yes I can kinda see myself there. So I didn't get to depression yet? That totally sucks! I don't know what's going on, but this seems to be one of the worst mornings I've had in a long time. One of those mornings where the tears are dripping from my chin before I even have a chance to get choked up. My ears are so clogged from crying today I feel so weak and understand why people have had it. I could see not wanting to go on what a person feels this bad, although from experience I know that this will pass as soon as it's out of my system which isn't soon enough. I've been talking about doing the Journal for a long time, and prior to responding to you I opened up a word file and started writing. The beginning of this file started with the post in this thread. I figured it was as good a place as any to begin writing.

While writing, my mind immediately went to our first meeting at the airport on October 22, 2011. It was such a beautiful moment when our eyes met one another. It was so intense with the hugs kisses and handholding. Until the day I die I will never forget this. It's also a moment that if I could take and crumble the picture of it in my hands, I would do that. I would reach into my mind with my two hands and grab that playback and crumble it and tear it and rip it to shreds. So much love and so much anger in so much confusion all wrapped up into one terrible memory. This is the crap I got a work through? I'm just glad there's nobody here to see be right now. Aside from having no contact successfully, I feel like I'm back at square one. Feel like I've got nowhere. I feel like I'm trapped in my surroundings right now and will never change. I feel like I am loved, misunderstood, and discarded all at the same time. I understand why people feel they could no longer trust. I also feel that I want to be vulnerable and give my heart to someone and take that chance. Thank you Mutt.

[Mutt]

I would reach into my mind with my two hands and grab that playback and crumble it and tear it and rip it to shreds.

I can see how it would be really difficult morning and I am sorry you're going through this.

What are you struggling with most? Random memories, playbacks?

[DyingLove]

DyingLove,

I cannot help but to feel moved.

I can see how you not only lost a dear r/s of a woman you love and were committed to... .

You lost the whole family unit.

You lost your role as partner.

You lost your role as daddy.

And so much more that I do not understand or know.

We all have our own journey, painful more, or less, or differently, for its own reasons.

Sometimes comparing is not considered healthy, however, I am feeling compelled in thoughts of the possibility of it meaning something positive to you.

One of the losses that pains me the most is the loss of my SD. 

What is different for me... .is many things... .

I began to loose her before the r/s with SO ended. (He alienated me from her)

Therefore, I did not loose them both at the same time.

I began grieving her loss 2 years before we b/u.

Had the lose of her and him occurred together and suddenly, I have no idea what state of mind/emotion I would be in.

At this moment today, for all that pain, I can actually feel grateful he alienated me from her ahead of time.

Another difference... .

I did not completely loose the role of mom.

I am still a mom to my son.

Had I completely lost that role... .my pain would go deeper.

Also,

I am not going through this loss alone, with no one who understands.  Although I do not expect my son to soothe my hurt over this r/s in any way.  I realize he is aware, he is gentle at times and I am certain he is being patient with my moments of sadness.  It is extremely validating to have another being respond quietly to the pain on your face that you are trying to hide by doing something as simple as offering to help go to the grocery store.

Also,

Trying to appear less depressed... .because of my son, is hugely helpful to my state of mind.

Hummm... .I'm going to stop there... .I'm not sure exactly how to express my point.

I'm a bit worried that my words could sound invalidating to you or someone else.

I think my point is to say that we all have our unique story of grieve and loss.

While my post is somewhat of a comparison, it is also intended as a message that we really cannot compare in many ways. 

Each of our stories of grief, love and connecting is very special and unique.

Thank you for sharing this piece of yours DyingYoung!

Thank you for your reply sunflower.

Thank you for seeing things more clearly than I see. My view on everything is just a big ball that has been compressed into one sloppy mess. But you see all the individual things that I go through.

Similar to you, I still have my son. At this point he's 39 and the nurturing I have for him is quite different than the nurturing I had for 9-year-old girl.

Just to tell people that I've been through hell with the BPD relationship isn't quite enough. I'm just coming to that realization this moment reading what you've written. I'm sure if I would've become even more elaborate in my original post, you might have seen even more aspects of why I suffer so tremendously. In all fairness to myself I have to admit what a complex person I am. That complexity causes me to have needs to address different facets of the situation. Rather than sweep up the whole mess into a shovel and then toss it all into a bag, I would first separate things and address each of the different ingredients separately. Pick up the large pieces first, sweep up the dust, then mop up the liquids. I guess that's why I can't get over everything in just one fell swoop. And I guess, because of this complexity, it kills me to know that she let it happen.

Under different circumstances, I would have been the first to make a move to retrieve our relationship. Because of the abnormality of things, I realize I would be just spinning my wheels and nothing would ever become back to normal. Mainly because there was no normal. I think to have to go through what I have gone through multiple times, would be suicide in itself. I know that some people enjoy a certain amount of suffering because it's normal to them. Maybe we all do. But having 1 foot on the dock and 1 foot on the deck of the boat as it is moving away, you've got to make your decision mighty fast. Sometimes the decision is made for us by the actions that have taken place. For example, if all the issues between my ex and I had remained only between the two of us, it probably would not be that difficult to remedy. My ex was very family oriented, in other words she got all her family involved in everything one way or another, even though I could not do anything to appease all these people, I would still have it all in my mind that one way or another she got everybody involved. I did not like dealing with her ex-husband and to be totally honest I did not like the way she handled the situation either. I understand that it's her past and she needed to do what was right, but her idea of right was to remain controlled and manipulated by the ex-husband. It was impossible to stand by and watch that. She could not understand how hard it was for me because she could not see how much she let somebody control her that was no longer in her life. The story goes on and on.

When you listed your differences, I did not see them as differences, I saw them as similarities. I did not feel that my issues were not important in comparison to yours, I did see that our similarities were handled a little bit different. Things that are more of a priority to me might not have been a priority to you and vice versa. I like to compare notes. Something you might do in a situation might help me remedy a situation of my own. We're people and we need one another, and that's why I'm here and that's why you're here and that's why everyone is here. I wish I would have wrote more in my initial post, but my head is killing me just from getting this far.

I'm going to attempt a few things differently this week. Going to use the gym and the local high school because they allow the public access. I hope once I get my muscles in use again that my physiology will change as well as my physical condition and my mental condition. When I left the X, I left the weight bench there that she gave me, and I left the exercise bike that I had, I figured the child and her could use it to get some exercise. I know I did things from the goodness of my heart, but I'm in conflict with those thoughts because of how cruel and heartless she was. I know I did the right thing for me, and I guess that's what matters right now. My mom used to say there's a God for everyone. She's never been proven wrong on that one may she rest in peace.

[DyingLove]

I would reach into my mind with my two hands and grab that playback and crumble it and tear it and rip it to shreds.

I can see how it would be really difficult morning and I am sorry you're going through this.

What are you struggling with most? Random memories, playbacks?

Yep. Random, but the same. eg. Thoughts of her and the good times, all the things I love about her. Her smile and how wonderful she once was when I knew less about BPD.

Playbacks?  Oh God yes.  Can't shut that damn recorder off!

[Mutt]

I would reach into my mind with my two hands and grab that playback and crumble it and tear it and rip it to shreds.

I can see how it would be really difficult morning and I am sorry you're going through this.

What are you struggling with most? Random memories, playbacks?

Yep. Random, but the same. eg. Thoughts of her and the good times, all the things I love about her. Her smile and how wonderful she once was when I knew less about BPD.

Playbacks?  Oh God yes.  Can't shut that damn recorder off!

I understand how hard it is and I struggled with thinking about the good times.

Do you also see how your ex idealizes and devaluates.

Have you thought about thinking about the times she has devaluated you when these you get these playbacks?

[DyingLove]

I would reach into my mind with my two hands and grab that playback and crumble it and tear it and rip it to shreds.

I can see how it would be really difficult morning and I am sorry you're going through this.

What are you struggling with most? Random memories, playbacks?

Yep. Random, but the same. eg. Thoughts of her and the good times, all the things I love about her. Her smile and how wonderful she once was when I knew less about BPD.

Playbacks?  Oh God yes.  Can't shut that damn recorder off!

I understand how hard it is and I struggled with thinking about the good times.

Do you also see how your ex idealizes and devaluates.

Have you thought about thinking about the times she has devaluated you when these you get these playbacks?

Yep, I do Mutt.  Maybe it's just my demeanor... .I can be very unforgiving and stubborn at times, but I usually change pretty quickly.  I DO NOT like to remain angry or mad at anyone or anything.  As much as I rise from that petty behaviour, there is like a "mechanism" in me that either stays stuck or has a mind of it's own at time and remains in the bad way. 

I try to think of the bad things, but lets face it, when the tears are flowing and your balling away, it's hard to squeeze that in there.  I do have that picture of her, in my mind, when we broke up and she had the gaze of a crazy lady.  Thinking about it now, I can almost swear she was drooling too... .but that's probably my imagination running away there.  I'll see if I can think about it more often.  On the other hand, I don't wanna get negative too often.  I've been fighting lately to keep positive.  I swear this is like that arcade game with the steering wheel, where you gotta keep the plastic car on the road.  Thank you Mutt.  Keep those cards and letters coming.