leaving, and struggling

[climber19]

I am leaving my partner with BPD. We are lesbians and have been together for two years. We had planned to move to another state for the next step in my career. The move was going to happen in two months. She was completely on board with the idea of moving for during the initial stages. However the past few months have been so intense. She was upset all the time and the fights were horrible.

I finally said that we could not continue as we had been and ended the relationship. This was literally right before the time when we were supposed to go to the new location to find a place to live. She is taking this decision very hard. And eventually offered counseling as a solution (though it had been denied multiple times before this). I said that we need to get ourselves well first.

It has been very painful and I am feeling incredibly sad and responsible for her well being. But I know that I need to take time to heal myself first.  She has been talking about moving to the same area anyways, which I think would not be a good situation for her, as it lacks support and is expensive.

I would also just add that this has ben horrible. The breakup was awful. Now she is saying that she is moving to the same location, even though she did not want to at all. She is blaming me for all of the pain and her situation. She does not have a good/supportive family unit, but I feel that I am carrying all of her pain and lacking family situation. Right now I just feel very guilty about my actions and that everything is my fault. I just felt that I could not continue on this path anymore.

I would appreciate any advice about dealing with a break up with someone with BPD and the best course of action to move forward.

[Achaya]

Hi Climber,

Welcome! This website has been incredibly helpful to me and I hope it will be to you as well. I have found that writing posts clarifies my thinking and feelings, even before I get responses, which are even more helpful.

My partner of 5 years left me abruptly about 7 weeks ago, so I am the rejectee and do not have the guilt issues that you are struggling with, but my ex is very fragile and I was a caretaker as well as her lover. You say you feel responsible for your ex. I too still feel responsible for my ex and the emotional difficulty she is having since the breakup, even though she was the one who left and I wanted the relationship.

Can you provide more details about your concerns? Do you think your ex is relocating to be near you, and will continue to depend on you for emotional support? Why do you feel like everything is your fault?

[Loosestrife]

Hi,

Relocating on your own is a very final step. I think she's probably panicking that she has lost you for ever. Do you think the relationship may have a future

And is she getting any help? or do you think you would be better starting a fresh?

L

[Lu Lu]

Hi, sorry to hear your struggling . I'm in rather a similar situation to you ! I ended the relationship after trying to hold it together for four years . We had more downs than ups , frequent nasty arguing , I always ended it , but would always go back because I struggle so much with the heartbreak.

I don't know if your in the same position as me , but the ex is saying it's all my fault , that I don't and didn't love her as much as she loved me . The way she describes me is awful . I usually would argue the point , but have learnt from therapy , many hard lessons and thank goodness now from this group on here !

Your not reasoning with someone who thinks with the reality of a situation . They truly believe that their thoughts are real when sometimes I found them so unrealistic !

I now just try and value that that is how she feels .

It's awful .

You moving will probably be the best fresh new start you could ask for ! But now she's following you , when while in the relationship she didn't want to ? This shows the extreme switch that they do , and are not even aware of how much they contradict themselves !


You do deserve to be happy , and you need to heal yourself ! You can't rescue and help someone who cannot help themselves I don't think . Only they can save themselves . If your like me whatever you do to try and help , ends up getting thrown in your face in the long run anyway !

Please be strong and think about yourself . It's such a destructive relationship with Bpd partners , you end up so tired , no self esteem and treading on eggshells , you forget what happiness is !

She is scared your oing to move on and be happy is my guess . That will be petrifying to her , but for some reason probably won't just come t and say that , she will manipulate those fears in a disguise of some description !

Best of luck

[Allmessedup]

  Climber!

Welcome to the boards!   They have been a huge resource to me and many many others when going down this path.

It sounds like you have a really good grasp on what you need right now and the realities of your relationship. But the guilt... .the guilt is hard!

Have you read the ten beliefs that keep you stuck?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

It is something I find very helpful to go over each time I was struggling!

Keep posting... .it does help!

Amu