unblocked

[jhkbuzz]

I am about 10 months out of a 8 year r/s with a pwBPD.  I have a step daughter, and on occasion I post to her FB page. About four months ago I posted to her page and she commented.  Her mother (who wasn't a FB friend of mine) didn't 'like' my post but commented to my stepdaughter.  I found it so triggering that I decided to block my ex. It was a good decision at that time, and I immediately felt "at peace" with it.

Fast forward to today, and I'm feeling much, much better about life.  I met someone a few weeks ago that I really like, I've made a ton of new friends, have an active social life, and am about to go on vacation.  Occasionally sad about the b/u but "normal" sad, not "devastated, I can't go on" sad.

I decided to unblock her today because I don't think I'll be triggered any longer by seeing her "likes" or comments on other people's posts.  We will not be FB friends, I simply "unblocked" her.

Lo and behold, I noticed that in one of my stepdaughter's posts she mentioned her mom in her post - and mom's name wasn't hyperlinked.  My ex apparently blocked me after I blocked her.

My response to this is kind of curious - my immediate feeling was one of anxiety, followed by sadness. I'm not sure why I felt anxious, but I think the "sad" is because I feel invalidated - I was an honest, faithful partner and a good parent to her daughter. I didn't lie (she did), I didn't cheat (she did), I didn't give up on the r/s or decide to leave (she did). Her blocking me feels exactly backwards - just like everything else in the r/s, I guess.

Thoughts, anyone?

[eeks]

I find that rejection stings, even if it comes from someone I know in every rational sense I'm not compatible with, no future for a relationship, etc. 

This could be because of my particular personal history, and the rejection is bringing up some ancient wound, but even so, I have recently had the idea that everything we consider "psychology" was developed in, and therefore influenced by, modern industrial culture, which may not be in accordance with human biological nature.*  For instance, I remember a while ago reading about a study that showed that social rejection (being left out) shows activity in the same brain regions as physical pain.  I also found an online document which appears to be the full text (but I've never seen the book so can't be sure) of The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff.  An interesting read, if nothing else.  www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/conconcept.pdf

* Maybe you are having the question right now "if our culture is not in accordance with our nature, how did we ourselves create it?"  Good question, one I've had since my early 20s and not yet answered.  (I'm 36)

[enlighten me]

Maybe you are dissapointed because you thought she thought more of you. That she thought you were special but her actions have contradicted this.

Ive found my ego has caused me a lot of pain.  The idealisation phase builds up your ego so when you aredevalued your ego gets dented or even battered. Maybe this is just another dent to yours.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for the responses  Eeks, I'll take a look at that article when I have time.  Enlightenme, it could be just that simple.  Thanks for your thoughts.

I went to bed last night and dreamed that I was at a gas station.  While the attendant was filling up my car, I went inside the gas station and someone stole my car - just jumped in the driver's seat and drove away.  They left my purse behind, but stole my drivers license and all my credit cards.

All sorts of interesting analogies are popping up... .I lost my "identity"... .I let someone else "take the wheel"... .hmmm.

The subconscious is a funny thing.

[BorisAcusio]

In the aftermath, we all have to learn how to avoid reverting back to unhealthy sources of external validation. No matter how tempted we are, nothing good can come out opening the door a crack to someone who was abusive to us in the past and have a lifelong pattern to do so.

We each assume (we don't even think about it, it seems so obvious) that we are unique and special, that they "loved" us because they saw in us our true personality, the caring, fun, sincere, amazing people that we are.  They loved us because of who we are; we are unique, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, courageous, perhaps their soulmate and true love.  Because we assume this, when they leave us and replace us so easily we are confused and traumatized.  

For a long, long time we persist in believing that they really, truly "loved" us, and only us, and that they will eventually come back to us because we are the right one, the perfect mate for them, because they loved us for our special and unique qualities that they will never find in anyone else.

What is hard to accept is that this person we wait for has a personality disorder.  Yes, they desired and wanted us, but they desired and wanted others too. We were not desired or "loved" because of our uniqueness or special qualities.  We were just another bit player in the script.  The next person that enters stage right thinks the same thing we thought.  

[disillusionedandsore]

This is excellent albeit hard initially to accept... .It is what brought me to my knees wailing ( FOO core wound)... .I really thought he loved me... .My rational mind knew he didn't see or hear 'me' at all!  It still hurts when it is driven home once the pretence is

over... .I know I can love me like that and my HP!

[Achaya]

PwBPD are so focused on "abandonment" that they always seem to respond to perceived abandonment with counter-abandonment. I think it gives them a feeling of control over the abandonment process. Your ex probably interpreted your blocking her as a very strong abandonment message, and felt quite justified retaliating. Thats another thing about pwBPD, they expect retaliation. My ex can't understand at all why I am still kind to her.

I have also noticed in my and other peoples' relationships that whatever dance they were doing during the relationship gets easily triggered afterwards. I am friends with a previous partner and this happens with us quite a bit. Part of the dynamic is just that our personalities  collide in those ways and that is why we are not together as a couple. I also think that couples get into a habit with these patterns of interaction, like  a well-worn track.

I know that people can modify some of these dysfunctional patterns or at least work with them more constructively, but that only happens when you have 2 very committed people motivated to do the hard work. My feeling about it is that if we couldn't resolve these things in a 20 year relationship with 3 rounds of couple counseling, I am not going to waste any more time and effort on it. My friend and I deal with these incidents by stepping back emotionally, changing subjects and activities, and accepting what we were not able to change.

[Trog]

In the aftermath, we all have to learn how to avoid reverting back to unhealthy sources of external validation. No matter how tempted we are, nothing good can come out opening the door a crack to someone who was abusive to us in the past and have a lifelong pattern to do so.

We each assume (we don't even think about it, it seems so obvious) that we are unique and special, that they "loved" us because they saw in us our true personality, the caring, fun, sincere, amazing people that we are.  They loved us because of who we are; we are unique, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, courageous, perhaps their soulmate and true love.  Because we assume this, when they leave us and replace us so easily we are confused and traumatized.  

For a long, long time we persist in believing that they really, truly "loved" us, and only us, and that they will eventually come back to us because we are the right one, the perfect mate for them, because they loved us for our special and unique qualities that they will never find in anyone else.

What is hard to accept is that this person we wait for has a personality disorder.  Yes, they desired and wanted us, but they desired and wanted others too. We were not desired or "loved" because of our uniqueness or special qualities.  We were just another bit player in the script.  The next person that enters stage right thinks the same thing we thought.  

There were times I thought I was special but it was quickly scupper end because my ex used to harp on about her exes so often! She would tell me she still loved all of them and the most special one I'm quite sure, despite marrying me, occupies much of her 'regret' moments. I'd love to be special to someone, I was to a couple of girlfriends but blew them off. The problem in this equation is me. I blew off a really sweet woman who would do anything for me for my exBPD. I'll not get her back but at least I now know now the importance of those traits in women who I date in the future.

The times I was idealised was never really for me and my character, it was only ever in relation to her, if I'd 'come thru' for her or 'understood her' when everyone else was turning their backs. This 'love' has nothing to do with me, I'm very aware my ex will be with anyone as long as they fulfill her needs. She does not consider even that she has a role to fulfill theirs. She is utterly entitled.

On one of our last days before I left she was going thru an old box of stuff and came across a wish list of things for a partner, she read them out and said I met almost all of them. Little did she know I was already planning my escape. What struck me about this ridiculously long list, is what SHE had to offer, in return for this perfect partner, did not even cross her mind!

[talithacumi]

Having recently had my "replacement" use both her own FB account, then my ex's account to send me a series of nasty/threatening messages before blocking me from both accounts so I couldn't respond - then having a mutual friend inform me, a week later, about several really demeaning/disparaging comments she posted, with photos of me, on her timeline that I couldn't see BECAUSE I'd been blocked - I was ENORMOUSLY relieved to discover that, despite BEING blocked, I could still block BOTH of them on the off chance my ex disappears on her again, she decides he must be "whoring around" with me (not!), and decides to unblock me so she can try to harass/threaten me into "giving" him back and/or "making" him go back to her where he "belongs."

It's been five years since I caught my ex cheating with this women, and he left me in order to be with her. I live a thousand miles away. I barely have any contact with him anymore at all. This recent violation of my privacy really pissed me off - not just because it wasn't expected, true, or deserved - but because I felt so helpless to do anything about once she'd blocked me herself - so hearing that I might be able to block both of them ANYWAY was a total godsend!

Not that this was your intention, but just goes to show you that you never know what kind of good things you're doing for others on this site when you post about your own personal struggles.

Thank you SO much!

[JRT]

Lo and behold, I noticed that in one of my stepdaughter's posts she mentioned her mom in her post - and mom's name wasn't hyperlinked.  My ex apparently blocked me after I blocked her.[/quote]
As I understand it, when you block someone on FB, both of you are invisible to one another. So; unless you blocked one another at literally the same moment, she would not have been able to block you after the fact. The other possibility is that she may have inactivated her account which would also make her name appear as text and not a link.

[BorisAcusio]

As I understand it, when you block someone on FB, both of you are invisible to one another. So; unless you blocked one another at literally the same moment, she would not have been able to block you after the fact. The other possibility is that she may have inactivated her account which would also make her name appear as text and not a link.

You can still block them by using their email address.

[JRT]

Hmmmmm... .I blocked an obnoxious friend a while back... .I just now attempted to block using his email address and it returned the error user not found... .though it did give me the option to unblock him

[Suzn]

I went inside the gas station and someone stole my car - just jumped in the driver's seat and drove away.  

I've read driving your car is about your direction, your path, your drive... .Sounds like you lost that (even if for just a second) with your disappointment.

Gas Station

To dream that you are at a gas station indicates a need to reenergize and revitalize yourself. You may be running low on energy and need to take time out to refuel. The dream also represents your ability to convert outside resources and use it for your own needs. Alternatively, dreaming that you are in a gas station means that you need to reach out to others and offer your help.

Makes a lot of sense. You had an energy draining moment the day before.

[jhkbuzz]

Lo and behold, I noticed that in one of my stepdaughter's posts she mentioned her mom in her post - and mom's name wasn't hyperlinked.  My ex apparently blocked me after I blocked her.

As I understand it, when you block someone on FB, both of you are invisible to one another. So; unless you blocked one another at literally the same moment, she would not have been able to block you after the fact. The other possibility is that she may have inactivated her account which would also make her name appear as text and not a link.

Not true - I checked. I can still pull up her profile as a person I want to block in my settings even though she has me blocked.

[jhkbuzz]

I went inside the gas station and someone stole my car - just jumped in the driver's seat and drove away.  

I've read driving your car is about your direction, your path, your drive... .Sounds like you lost that (even if for just a second) with your disappointment.

Gas Station

To dream that you are at a gas station indicates a need to reenergize and revitalize yourself. You may be running low on energy and need to take time out to refuel. The dream also represents your ability to convert outside resources and use it for your own needs. Alternatively, dreaming that you are in a gas station means that you need to reach out to others and offer your help.

Makes a lot of sense. You had an energy draining moment the day before.

Interesting stuff!

[JRT]

Lo and behold, I noticed that in one of my stepdaughter's posts she mentioned her mom in her post - and mom's name wasn't hyperlinked.  My ex apparently blocked me after I blocked her.

As I understand it, when you block someone on FB, both of you are invisible to one another. So; unless you blocked one another at literally the same moment, she would not have been able to block you after the fact. The other possibility is that she may have inactivated her account which would also make her name appear as text and not a link.

Not true - I checked. I can still pull up her profile as a person I want to block in my settings even though she has me blocked.

Hmmmm... .I see that... .

[Billygoat]

In the aftermath, we all have to learn how to avoid reverting back to unhealthy sources of external validation. No matter how tempted we are, nothing good can come out opening the door a crack to someone who was abusive to us in the past and have a lifelong pattern to do so.

We each assume (we don't even think about it, it seems so obvious) that we are unique and special, that they "loved" us because they saw in us our true personality, the caring, fun, sincere, amazing people that we are.  They loved us because of who we are; we are unique, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, courageous, perhaps their soulmate and true love.  Because we assume this, when they leave us and replace us so easily we are confused and traumatized.  

For a long, long time we persist in believing that they really, truly "loved" us, and only us, and that they will eventually come back to us because we are the right one, the perfect mate for them, because they loved us for our special and unique qualities that they will never find in anyone else.

What is hard to accept is that this person we wait for has a personality disorder.  Yes, they desired and wanted us, but they desired and wanted others too. We were not desired or "loved" because of our uniqueness or special qualities.  We were just another bit player in the script.  The next person that enters stage right thinks the same thing we thought.  

2010's quote is important. It's clear my ex felt as strongly, if not more strongly, for her previous exes, I knew this almost for our entire relationship and that felt very invalidating. On one hand, she'd tell me I was special, within an hour, she'd contradict that either with abuse or regaling me with her love for her exes. The most ironic part of these actions, she'd always lament that she didn't feel special or valued as an individual by me, this is ultimately ironic as she was so controlling over every aspect of my life that I lost total sense of who I was.

Its painful but important to realize we weren't loved for who we are by our exes, we were "loved" for what we tolerated, accepted and how well we bent and shaped to fit into their idea of a relationship. How well we could cover for them, provide for them, tolerate their unruly behaviour.