Broken identity after leaving

[disorderedsociety]

I should've seen the  s and listened, shouldn't have gotten caught up in her emotions and stayed. Definitely shouldn't have stayed that 3rd year. She shouldn't have let me stay if I was as bad as she last said I was. So many grey areas, and I can't imagine she's any better off with the next guy.

But I can't even look at myself in the mirror sometimes. I think that her BPD symptoms were my fault, that I was too hard on her, wasn't loving enough.

Worse yet, I feel like there's nothing left to me. All my identity was based around her and I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like on the other hand a huge fog is slowly lifting and I'm starting to see peoples' BS when I hear it.

Things are getting better slowly but like I said, my identity and ego feel crushed. She wasn't even an acting out type after a while, just kind of let me stay with her because she didn't wanna be lonely. I don't see how a sudden new attachment could be healthy, unless he really knows how to deal with a BPD person, which, why would you want to have to?

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have struggled with guilt and the "should haves," it is really tough.  I have blamed BPD symptoms on myself before and thought I could have been more loving and less hard. This type of thinking really took a toll on my self-esteem.

PwBPD many times they have unrealistic expectations for their partner. You fit the role of the caretaker, savior, persecutor, lover, father, mother, etc., all at the same time.  You are human and no human can possibly fulfill so many roles with an expectation of being "perfect." Essentially, a pwBPD almost sets you up to fail.

My bf can be self-aware at times told me, "EaglesJuju ,you could have give me the world and it still would not be enough. I know you have given everything you possibly can. It is never enough and that is a problem that I have."

It takes awhile to rebuild your self-esteem. Try starting with positive self-talk and do that every time you start feeling low.

What types of things did you like to do before you met her?

[disorderedsociety]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have struggled with guilt and the "should haves," it is really tough.  I have blamed BPD symptoms on myself before and thought I could have been more loving and less hard. This type of thinking really took a toll on my self-esteem.

PwBPD many times they have unrealistic expectations for their partner. You fit the role of the caretaker, savior, persecutor, lover, father, mother, etc., all at the same time.  You are human and no human can possibly fulfill so many roles with an expectation of being "perfect." Essentially, a pwBPD almost sets you up to fail.

My bf can be self-aware at times told me, "EaglesJuju ,you could have give me the world and it still would not be enough. I know you have given everything you possibly can. It is never enough and that is a problem that I have."

It takes awhile to rebuild your self-esteem. Try starting with positive self-talk and do that every time you start feeling low.

What types of things did you like to do before you met her?

That's a funny one... .Before I met her all I liked to do was play video games, drink and try to hook up with random girls. Now that I'm in my 20s my most recent favorite things to do had to do with making sales goals at work. Now I work at a place where everyone is pretty much equal so there's a lot of interpersonal skills that have to be learned for me to thrive there. I'm doing fairly well, I'm cool with mostly everyone where I work but I know I can do even better. I'm mainly learning how other relatively healthy people feel and how I feel in relation to them so I can start to build healthy friendships, professional relations (probably my best category right now) and eventually romantic relationships.

[getting_better]

Remember the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.  You're gonna be ok! 

[fromheeltoheal]

It's best to not consider your identity broken, it just took a back seat to the needs of a disordered person for a while, and as you say, the fog is lifting.  The cool thing about coming out of these relationships and getting our feet back on the ground is we tend to value things more when we lose them and then get them back; you may find that when you start being your 'self' again and doing the things you used to do that you enjoyed, you will enjoy them more and be grateful.  Also, some of the things you used to do no longer interest you because you've grown, grown out of them.  This is all good news, a crash course in growing and maturing that comes out of necessity, having been enmeshed with mental illness and thankful for the sanity of our own lives.  Take care of you!

[mgl210]

I should've seen the  s and listened, shouldn't have gotten caught up in her emotions and stayed. Definitely shouldn't have stayed that 3rd year. She shouldn't have let me stay if I was as bad as she last said I was. So many grey areas, and I can't imagine she's any better off with the next guy.

But I can't even look at myself in the mirror sometimes. I think that her BPD symptoms were my fault, that I was too hard on her, wasn't loving enough.

Worse yet, I feel like there's nothing left to me. All my identity was based around her and I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like on the other hand a huge fog is slowly lifting and I'm starting to see peoples' BS when I hear it.

Things are getting better slowly but like I said, my identity and ego feel crushed. She wasn't even an acting out type after a while, just kind of let me stay with her because she didn't wanna be lonely. I don't see how a sudden new attachment could be healthy, unless he really knows how to deal with a BPD person, which, why would you want to have to?

Hello,

I know exactly how you feel. I think back a lot of the past and the previous rs that I was in with the individual with BPD. I should have done this, I should have done that. However, I can't blame myself. I can, don't get me wrong, but that isn't constructive and that would only show the individual has over us. IME, I forgave her for all the bs that she had inflicted on me. From the mood swings, to the false allegations of domestic violence, when I am far from the violent type of individual. I should have left after the first time she lashed out at me, but I stayed I stayed because I was completely head over heels for her. I was so in love with the idea that someone wanted to be with me and to make it worse, someone who wanted to plan a future of eternity with me... .I mean, me of all people? Your heart is broken without a doubt, but you aren't a broken person. If you were a broken individual, you wouldn't be on here, looking for some help, and support. Be good to yourself. be honest with your feelings and realize that you are entitled to be hurt, angry, sad, and whatever else you might be feeling at this moment in time. You shouldn't consider yourself a failure, a letdown, or a broken individual, because you are far from it. If I can help you any, please feel free to reach

MGL

[EaglesJuju]

Now I work at a place where everyone is pretty much equal so there's a lot of interpersonal skills that have to be learned for me to thrive there. I'm doing fairly well, I'm cool with mostly everyone where I work but I know I can do even better. I'm mainly learning how other relatively healthy people feel and how I feel in relation to them so I can start to build healthy friendships, professional relations (probably my best category right now) and eventually romantic relationships.

Being around positive like-minded people help influence you. This is a great start.     When you surround yourself with positive people, you learn to identify what is healthy behavior in a relationship.

It may take some time to rebuild everything. Focus on taking care of yourself, thinking about goals and what you want, and believing all of your positive qualities and strengths. 

As trite as it may sound, but sometimes the struggle and hard times can teach us things about ourselves that we may have never know before.