Reality check on good parenting?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Husband & I went to pick up girls the other day, and as we were waiting for them to get their stuff, Mom & Stepdad's young son fell off a chair. He cried, Mom got him, and next thing H & I know, she's doing the "tell me how it was for you" interaction while Stepdad enlists older D to do a "reenactment" for their son to watch: "Was it like that for you?" "See, you made it through!" All that kind of stuff that by all rights should be grade A parenting. I mean, this is straight out of Whole Brain Child, Waking the Tiger, those really solid books.

So I guess my question is, could you help me gain some perspective on why it seemed so... .weird? "Shouldn't" I be glad that Mom is reading solid parenting books and applying them? Even if Mom interacts disorderedly with H, I know that doesn't necessarily mean she's a "bad" mom. So why the heck am I feeling so suspicious -- like it was a performance? That seems ungenerous of me.

I mean, another take on it is that Mom is reading/applying those books more so that she feels like a good mom, less because it's actually what's good for the girls -- even though it may actually benefit them. So can good parenting practices, selfishly applied, still benefit a kid? And that raises the question for me... .When I try to be a "good" stepparent... .for whom am I trying?

Anyway, yesterday was definitely a "What the heck!" moment of dissonance. Perspective appreciated... .

[kells76]

Husband & I went to pick up girls the other day, and as we were waiting for them to get their stuff, Mom & Stepdad's young son fell off a chair. He cried, Mom got him, and next thing H & I know, she's doing the "tell me how it was for you" interaction while Stepdad enlists older D to do a "reenactment" for their son to watch: "Was it like that for you?" "See, you made it through!" All that kind of stuff that by all rights should be grade A parenting. I mean, this is straight out of Whole Brain Child, Waking the Tiger, those really solid books.

So I guess my question is, could you help me gain some perspective on why it seemed so... .weird? "Shouldn't" I be glad that Mom is reading solid parenting books and applying them? Even if Mom interacts disorderedly with H, I know that doesn't necessarily mean she's a "bad" mom. So why the heck am I feeling so suspicious -- like it was a performance? That seems ungenerous of me.

I mean, another take on it is that Mom is reading/applying those books more so that she feels like a good mom, less because it's actually what's good for the girls -- even though it may actually benefit them. So can good parenting practices, selfishly applied, still benefit a kid? And that raises the question for me... .When I try to be a "good" stepparent... .for whom am I trying?

Anyway, yesterday was definitely a "What the heck!" moment of dissonance. Perspective appreciated... .

[livednlearned]

Somewhere on the site there is a really good article about object constancy (push/pull), and what struck me in that article was a description of the three different levels of emotional functioning that BPD sufferers experience. The first level, when functioning in whatever schema is less threatened, they are able to cooperate and recognize their behavior and in general function with a degree of awareness and intention. The second level (if I remember correctly) is the biting sarcasm, silent treatment, passive aggressiveness, etc. The third level is the raging.

I can't remember where the article is, but will keep looking. This site has a lot of stuff on it... .

It helped me understand some of the cycling. When my ex was in full defensive crouch, he was a totally different guy then when his activating strategies weren't in high gear.

There is also a passage in Christina Lawson's book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, about how having kids can sometimes be the impetus for the BPD mom to seek treatment, because she can see the effects of her illness on the kids. I do think awareness is possible, even if it is deflected quickly in favor of dysfunctional coping strategies to try and hang onto some kind of lifeboat.

The schema work by Jeffrey Young, which was developed to understand and explain BPD (I think, or maybe other PDs too) can help because he names the different schemas that may be surfacing as a person with BPD navigates the rocky shores of an unstable self. Schemas include things like lonely child, punitive parent, nurturing protector. Your description of biomom made me think of the nurturing protector.

[enlighten me]

Maybe it felt fake because it was. We all know how the public and private personas of a pwBPD can be polar opposites. The fact that it didnt feel natural to you might be because it didnt feel natural to her. Maybe the kids reaction showed a bit of suprise whuch you picked up.

or another reason is because it may have made you feel inferior. Could it have been inseccuritythat made you feel like you did?

Im not saying either are right im just throwing ideas out there.

[kells76]

Hi LnL;

Thanks for the tip on the article. I’ll see if I can find it, too. The idea of different “levels” of functioning does help to make some sense of her behavior. (Side note: Mom is not diagnosed at all, and I don’t think it’s necessarily important whether that happens, or doesn’t. She just has some behaviors that I find challenging, puzzling, and irrational, and this site has been a huge blessing in terms of finding a place to talk to folks about similar behaviors and how H and I can cope.)

I’m not sure if Mom will come to see a need to get treatment. So far she has been pretty resistant to the idea of counseling for the girls, too, and I don’t think she sees herself as having issues/problems/behaviors to work on. Maybe when the kids get older and push back more she will?

And yes, I think she wants to be a “nurturing, protective” parent. I mean, I do too, right, so it’s not like wanting that is negative, but there’s some middle step between wanting to be that, and actually being that. I wonder if that middle step is engaging with what’s really real. Like, OK, it’s a great thing to want to nurture and protect the kids in your life. But it takes more than performing those behaviors to actually be nurturing and protective – it takes some awareness of where to protect, how to nurture, what’s the real situation the child is in… right?

enlighten me;

That last paragraph is where I think my insecurities come out. I just finished reading John Gottman’s book on kids & emotions (sorry, forgot the title already), and every other chapter I just got this sinking feeling like, “I have got some WORK to do.” I definitely feel like I want to defend my husband by being the best stepmom I can be, if that makes sense. In a way, it’s not the being a stepmom part that has me feeling insecure – I’m pretty ok with that, because it’s real. It’s what kind of stepmom I should be, but fall short of, that really gets me.

So yeah, seeing Mom’s “nurturing” side out on display, right after I finished that book that pointed out some of my shortcomings, was tough.

And just to finish this up, the other weird thing was that after Mom & Stepdad finished their thing, Mom was helping older D take some medicine, but the way she gave it somehow hurt older D, who proceeded to hit Mom. Mom comes back with “It’s OK to feel X, but it’s not OK to hit” or something, which again, makes total sense. D was fine in the car and we didn’t bring it up. It’s just weird to try to put that together with Mom’s (probable) desire to be the one nurturing, caring parent, and Mom’s belief that H’s potential presence at the girls’ school will be emotionally traumatic for them (a previous thread). I mean, it seems like what’s really real is that BOTH parents do their best, BOTH parents have times when they hurt their kids, and BOTH parents have the capacity to be caring. Not really sure there’s a question there, just… getting it out, I guess.

[enlighten me]

I can completely understand this. I have insecuritiez about my parenting skills. I dont give my boys enough vegetables. I dont always chase them up on brushing their teeth. I have a more relaxed routine with them etc etc. We cant all be superman and do everything perfectly. I dont neglect my kids. They are fed and clean and have had some great experiences. Whats more important to me is that they are happy. You dont have to be a textbook parent to achieve this. All children are different and have different needs. Yes I occassionaly feel less capable than my exs but its fleeting.

[Turkish]

It can be confusing to see behaviors like this. She's emotionally limited, but s high functioning enough to try when she's not triggered. I see this with my Ex, who often validates the kids' feelings, but the rage trigger is always lurking in the background. Sometimes, I'll get the night call when she can't deal with D3. Other times, it's like last month when she yelled at S5 for throwing up in the car despite knowing he was already sick. I knew it that day (because she called me for a rescue), but D3 told me again two weeks later, so their mom's anger is a pattern that they recognize and it affects them.

I can't control their mom. All I can do is validate what our kids feel without alienating.

[Nope]

Both parents do love their kids and both parents do hurt their kids sometimes in different ways. Dr. Childress talks in some of his videos about the "normal range parent". As imperfect as we are, we are probably normal range. A BPD parent without proper support and mental health treatment is not. But that doesn't mean they don't want to be.

It's like watching a TV series where over the course of two seasons the writers have programmed you to hate a specific character as the villain by showing you episode after episode of that character doing villainous things. Then in the third season the villain does one or two good acts, while largely still being generally evil. You'll still know you are looking at "the bad guy", but you'll be thrown off by this sudden new information that this character is even capable of doing good. It doesn't fit.  But the truth is that in real life nothing at all is black and white. It's just that as step parents we are often so far removed from the BPD parent that almost all we see or are exposed to is the evil stuff. After a certain point we stop thinking there can possibly be anything else.

Sometimes to offset this I encourage the kids to tell me happy stories about times with their mom, specifically because I can be a very black or white thinker myself and I want to be reminded that there are reasons beyond the biological need to love ones mother no matter what.

[livednlearned]

The kindnesses from an abusive person are often why, as grown adults, we don't walk away. If you are conditioned as a child to experience kindness then abuse, kindness then abuse, it is so tricky to decipher that it's no surprise many of us get into adult romantic relationships with the same pattern.

In an abusive relationship, the kindness is often just the opposite side of the controlling coin.