The end is near and all I feel is despair... need encouragement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The end of the 9 year saga with my xBPDbf is finally happening and I honestly can't believe it.  I'm surprised and overwhelmed by how much despair and devastation I feel by his absence.  He's only been gone for 1 week, but it has felt like the longest week of my life - this past weekend was the worst as my anxiety was way up and I started to feel really depressed.  I have never felt so alone and lonely in my life.  I'm honestly baffled and almost blindsided by how badly how I feel.  I mean I was prepared to grieve the end of this relationship, but I never thought it would be this bad.  I guess I didn't realize how much time and energy I really gave this relationship cause now it feels like I have nothing in my life - a really sad realization actually.  I isolated myself so much over the last nine years that I don't really have any friends or any interests outside of work.  Time to start over, I know, but it all seems so pointless right now.  My head and heart both know this is the best thing, but why is it so damn hard?  This sucks.  Thanks for letting me vent here... .thank God for this site at least.

[grayarea]

The end of the 9 year saga with my xBPDbf is finally happening and I honestly can't believe it.  I'm surprised and overwhelmed by how much despair and devastation I feel by his absence.  He's only been gone for 1 week, but it has felt like the longest week of my life - this past weekend was the worst as my anxiety was way up and I started to feel really depressed.  I have never felt so alone and lonely in my life.  I'm honestly baffled and almost blindsided by how badly how I feel.  I mean I was prepared to grieve the end of this relationship, but I never thought it would be this bad.  I guess I didn't realize how much time and energy I really gave this relationship cause now it feels like I have nothing in my life - a really sad realization actually.  I isolated myself so much over the last nine years that I don't really have any friends or any interests outside of work.  Time to start over, I know, but it all seems so pointless right now.  My head and heart both know this is the best thing, but why is it so damn hard?  This sucks.  Thanks for letting me vent here... .thank God for this site at least.

[Mutt]

Hi grayarea,

I can understand how devastating that would feel  

You had a long history together and it's the first week. It could be that it's really hard right because you might be reeling from it all. I found myself in shock and awe by the devastating blow when my ex left.

Many members can relate and we're here 24 / 7.

It helps to talk.

[shattered1]

I'm in the exact same place... .I can't believe how messed up I am... .I'm desperately trying to let go... .I feel your pain so much... .this weekend was the worst too ... .hardest thing I've ever went through... .hugs  and prayers  

[Mel1968]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this terrible time, grayarea.

I'm also just out of a saga, which I'm sure we'll discover had many similarities with yours - they all seem to on here, no matter what the individual tales actually are.

It's good that you've found your way here, these boards have been such comfort and source of information for me, and many many others. I hope that you'll find support in sharing your tale too and realising you're really not alone.

You say

I guess I didn't realize how much time and energy I really gave this relationship cause now it feels like I have nothing in my life - a really sad realization actually.  I isolated myself so much over the last nine years that I don't really have any friends or any interests outside of work.  Time to start over, I know, but it all seems so pointless right now.

I feel exactly the same as you, and am finding the idea of starting again from such an isolated position utterly terrifying... .but I'm trusting, reading the stories on here, that it's the right thing in the long run, maybe even a better thing... .Hard to do, but seems we have no other choice... .

Be kind to yourself and good luck

[fromheeltoheal]

The earliest part of a breakup is the hardest, we can feel everything and nothing and our feelings can change quickly.  The best thing we can do is take very good care of ourselves, eat right, sleep as much as we need to, drink enough water, and maybe get some exercise, and also consciously shift our focus from the past to the future, which takes diligence because the past, the relationship we just got out of, will pull our mind there, and the future is unknown, but it's beneficial to start visualizing a bright future anyway.

Point is more will be revealed as we move through the process, let the fog clear and get some distance from the relationship.  I can tell you with certainty that how you feel about the relationship and your life in 6 months will be very different than how you feel about them now, and the way to get there is one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[DyingLove]

Grayarea, so so so sorry.  Mutt hit it on the head in his reply to you.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore when I hear such touching heartbreak, but still I cry for you.  Sometimes just knowing we are here for you and in the same boat is really what makes a difference.  The people here have saved me from myself on many occasions.  This ROCK I call myself crumbles so often, even up to daily.  The beginning is definitely the most difficult time. It seems that time passes slow and thoughts rush by quickly and over and over. I keep searching for a word befitting the horrible pain, and I've really yet to find that word. Take it one step at a time, read and write very often here, and keep as busy as you can.  Many Hugs to you.

[grayarea]

Thank you so much everyone for the replies... .it has certainly made me feel less alone in this mess even though it sucks to know others are going through the same gut-wrenching heartbreak.  I'm doing a little better today since I'm back at work - the weekdays seem to be better than the weekends.  Guess that's when I'm free to ruminate even though every time I start I tell myself this is all for the best, but it's definitely a battle to keep those negative and ruminating thoughts at bay.  I know it's just a week in and it will be hard in the beginning, but still I didn't expect to feel the loss at this magnitude especially since it is something I wanted for so long.  I couldn't wait to be free... .didn't expect to get knocked down by such grief and sadness.  It would almost be easier if I was angry, but then again I'm thankful to not have such anger in me anymore.  I know it's more about me letting go and letting go with love.  I don't hate my x - sure I hate the disease - but I still love and care about him as a person.  Always will.  Thanks for listening... .I'm sure I'll be visiting this site very frequently in the coming hours and days... .

[DyingLove]

Thank you so much everyone for the replies... .it has certainly made me feel less alone in this mess even though it sucks to know others are going through the same gut-wrenching heartbreak.  I'm doing a little better today since I'm back at work - the weekdays seem to be better than the weekends.  Guess that's when I'm free to ruminate even though every time I start I tell myself this is all for the best, but it's definitely a battle to keep those negative and ruminating thoughts at bay.  I know it's just a week in and it will be hard in the beginning, but still I didn't expect to feel the loss at this magnitude especially since it is something I wanted for so long.  I couldn't wait to be free... .didn't expect to get knocked down by such grief and sadness.  It would almost be easier if I was angry, but then again I'm thankful to not have such anger in me anymore.  I know it's more about me letting go and letting go with love.  I don't hate my x - sure I hate the disease - but I still love and care about him as a person.  Always will.  Thanks for listening... .I'm sure I'll be visiting this site very frequently in the coming hours and days... .

Amen!