Hi
I keep recycling. I think it's because my pwBPD is getting help and is actually taking responsibility for her negative behaviours.
For me personally?
I kept recycling because *I* WANTED it to get better, and I thought if *I* just tried a little harder, it would be ok.
I kept recycling because a 'biblical counselor' told me that if I didn't I was not 'forgiving' and a bad wife.
I kept recycling because he would tell me he's gonna try and for 2 weeks, try he did (the only thing he tried was to reattach the Mask and manipulate me into believing he had changed) but after 2 weeks, it all went back to the way it was; which was awful.
I kept recycling because of fear.
I kept recycling because it's all I knew... .I'd been with him for 20+ years... .
My heart wants things to work out, but my head knows I can't sign up to being someone's caretaker for life as I know BPD isn't really curable and there is too much water under the bridge in terms of past abuse
After 2.5 YEARS of recycle and misery (after the initial trauma of finding out he was having an affair)... .FINALLY I saw an advocate. (Google 'abuse advocate _______(your city and state in the blank).
THAT is when I started to understand what had happened to me.
THAT is when I started to understand what abuse is.
And THAT is when I started doing research, reading medical and college text books, and started focusing on ME.
That is when the healing began.
After watching my ex (at the time was my husband and we were 'working on the marriage' ha ha) IGNORE me and my youngest child for THREE MONTHS (the 3 months before she shipped off to boot camp) to the point when either one of us walked into the room, he would get up and walk out; not speak to us, not look at us (and when he did, it was with a wadded up face, or he was rolling his eyes)... .THAT was when I said enough.
We had past the point of no return.
I was finally "ready to leave".
Fear and shame be damned, I was gonna rise up.
And I am!
I accept I have an addiction to my pwBPD, but I can't detach my bond/love is too strong. If there was a version of AA for non-BPDs I would sign up tomorrow. I can't even go NC for a day. Can anyone relate to this?
Thanks
Yes, for the longest time I too could not go a day w no contact.
Then I put my full focus on me, and my kids.
My dreams and goals, and their dreams and goals.
Those positive things consumed my thoughts... .leaving no room for the negative ex.
AND every time I would have a 'but this was good and that was good" thought?
I reminded myself that it was all a big fat lie... .because when the ex opens his mouth, he lies.
I reminded myself that it was all in MY head 'our hopes and dreams together'.
His actions spoke volumes louder than his words, and his actions said he is a monster.
To help myself with detachment, I threw him out of the house.
Then I blocked him from all social media and my phone. The ONLY way he could communicate with me was via email. AND the only thing I would discuss was the selling process of our home.
It was hard. VERY hard at first, but the more positive REAL things I focused on, the less I focused on the negative and the ex (which is negative).
I look back at where I was this day last year.
Living in a home, that everyone hated, with a man that hated me, only weeks away from a divorce being final.
Feeling hopeless, helpless, and alone.
Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc.
Deep, sadness.
Then a glimmer of hope; a book the advocate recommended; thoughts of owning my own business one day, owning my own home one day... .moving to Florida and never having to spend another winter shivering... .finally getting my kids out of this pressure cooker of gloom and doom... .
Today I am confident. (God willing) I will be a business owner. I will be a home owner.
I am moving in less than 60 days to SW Florida (put the $$ down on the rental last week).
I surround myself with people who are strong, confident, positive and goal oriented.
My Faith is so much stronger today than it was last year... .
There is hope.
The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train!
