i am unable to initiate nc

[indraniparui]

My partner shows undiagnosed BPD traits, he's not physically or verbally abusive but he's turned our perfect relationship to a joke. I have no words to explain the loss. His family dint like me much before we got married but now that we have separated they want me to hang on. I am no longer staying with my partner and its been 6 months. Its him who always calls n leaves me confused. He says he can't come back to this marriage but he wants to be my friend.

Anyways, I want to go NC with him so that he gets a clear message that I am not his doormat. But his family pressurizes me to attend all the family functions. I dont want to kills my marriage hence I am unable to make his folks upset but I want my husband to know that he needs to stop his action n return back for healing.

Please help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 Indraniparui,

I'm glad you have found bpdfamily... .and I'm glad you are posting about your relationship (r/s in boardspeak)

I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you have over the status of your r/s... .  It's good to see that you want your husband to return for healing.

bpdfamily can help... .we can help you understand what you are dealing with and educate you about what you can do that will be helpful for your r/s.

I think we need more information... .if there is no verbal or physical abuse (this is good)... .then please explain why you are not living with your partner. 

Going NC (not communicating) in order to communicate a message (that you will not be a doormat) is not a good strategy.  NC is to protect you... .it's a form of boundaries... .the purpose is protection... .not communication.

Thoughts so far... .looking forward to getting to know you better.

FF

[vortex of confusion]

Welcome to the forums! I wanted to add some specific question to what FF said.

How long have you and your partner been married?

What is the dynamic between you and his family? Why does their opinion matter so much to you?

What led to the two of you living is separate places?

[indraniparui]

We've been in a relation for 8 years and got married in Jan 2014, our relationship was perfect, I faced only one issue that my partner was not a responsible person. However around sept 2014 he told me that he likes someone else and doesn't wish to b with me. I found he had lied to many to justify his extra marital, his friends and the other girl helped him to plan against me and we got separated.

He contacts me once a month n reminds me of everything, he lies even now that he's single n is going through a lot of issues. I know that he stays with that girl. Family knows the facts but there's a thin line and everything can be pushed upon me. He's lying and manipulating people around him.

I don't know what should I do. I love him but I cannot hear anymore lies from him. It hurts

[formflier]

I love him but I cannot hear anymore lies from him. 

This is in your power to do.

It is not in your power to make him quit lying.

One thing that many people clarify here at bpdfamily is what is and is not in your power.

Pushing energy and hope onto something that you don't control is not a good plan.

How do you think you can have your desire come true... .to not hear the lies anymore?

FF

[indraniparui]

What should I do, I feel that he is trying to scare me so that I allow him to smoke, drink alcohol n roam day in n day out with his friends

[vortex of confusion]

What should I do, I feel that he is trying to scare me so that I allow him to smoke, drink alcohol n roam day in n day out with his friends

You can't control those things. If he chooses to drink, smoke, and roam with his friends, that is his choice. What is in your control is how you react to him doing those things. If you don't want to be around those things, then you can set boundaries and refuse to be around when he does those things.

I find that it isn't very helpful to try to figure out my partner's motives. It is too easy to get tied up in knots when thinking about things like, "He is trying to scare me." A lot of times, my husband has no idea what his motives are. More often than not, he is being impulsive and isn't really thinking about the consequences of his actions. It took me a long time to NOT take the stuff that he does as personal. He could be doing those things because they feel good and that is why he does it.

What can you do to protect yourself from those things?

What kinds of lies has he told his family to get them on his side?