How Has Your Physical Health Been Affected?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm currently going through a health crisis which is causing me to examine all the ways that my stressful childhood and adulthood has affected my health and created the problems I face today.  I'm angry and I'm so freakin tired of dealing with the damage caused from trying to survive abusive relationships.   I thought I would share my thoughts on this topic because I want others to realize how damaging chronic stress is and how it manifests later in life- especially for girls and women.

I sat on my deck the other morning and cried for an hour because I've reached an age (54) where I cannot ignore the consequences of the stress I've endured.  If there is any one thing that angers me about my NPD/BPD mother and husband who has the same, it's the permanent damage they have caused.  I know some might say that it's my fault for allowing it but that's not exactly true- especially relating to my mother.  Doctors and psychologists rarely ever address how the stress is seriously damaging our immune system, depletes vital nutrients, impacting our brains, our EVERYTHING!  Every cell in our body is being damaged by the chronic stress!

Last month I broke a dental crown and when I went to the dentist, he could not fix it because I have other much more serious issues that need to be addressed first- specifically, gum disease.  I've done everything right- brushed, flossed, rinsed, etc... .and I wondered, how did this happen so quickly?  Genetics plays a part and of course there are obvious reasons like smoking, poor nutrition, poor dental care but I have been a health nut for 15 years.  Yesterday when I was sitting, consulting with the periodontist, she asked, ' how much stress did you endure as a child and are you still enduring it' and I just dropped my head into my hands and said, ' Oh no, not again' and I began to cry.  "Stress" always comes up in my doctor's visits and I'm just sick of this!   How does stress destroy gums and cause bone loss?  Well, it turns out that chronic stress hormones do a couple of things to our mouth-  they cause plaque to form around the gum line and these hormones also destroy soft tissue throughout our bodies including the jaw and gums.  Toss in the menopause factor ( lack of estrogen) and the prognosis seems dire. 

Years ago before I hit menopause, my doctor ( he is an NMD- Naturopathic Physician) told me that I needed to remove the stressful relationships from my life because once I hit menopause, I would not have the protective estrogen and my adrenal system is too fatigued from a lifetime of chronic stress.  I do what I can to help myself but right now I'm feeling that it was too little too late.  I'm angry right now- angry that I have always had to pay such a dear price because of all the rotten to the core selfish people in my life whether it's thousands of dollars in therapy bills or health issues.  I had a full blown stomach ulcer when I was 18 years old and my mother didn't care about that and it didn't even occur to her that this was abnormal.  I was on anti anxiety medication ( librax and later, xanax) when I was 16!  This did not concern my mother and I was too caught up on the dysfunction to realize that they were causing it. 

If there is any one thing you should do for yourself today- it's make the effort to learn about your current physical health and how to protect it or improve it.  Learn about adrenal fatigue, learn about how stress affects your health.  Women, it's absolutely critical that you educate yourself and your daughters about very female specific issues like  how to best prepare for peri-menopause and menopause and pregnancy and postpartum. Don't wait until it happens because then it's too late.  We all hear about heart attacks and strokes but stress does a whole lot more- long before the symptoms become obvious.  Protect your children's health, protect your own. If you believe that anyone else in your dysfunctional relationships gives a hoot about your health or your children's  forget it.  Don't waste time expecting them to care about you and change to create a less stressful life together. 

[Leaving]

I'm currently going through a health crisis which is causing me to examine all the ways that my stressful childhood and adulthood has affected my health and created the problems I face today.  I'm angry and I'm so freakin tired of dealing with the damage caused from trying to survive abusive relationships.   I thought I would share my thoughts on this topic because I want others to realize how damaging chronic stress is and how it manifests later in life- especially for girls and women.

I sat on my deck the other morning and cried for an hour because I've reached an age (54) where I cannot ignore the consequences of the stress I've endured.  If there is any one thing that angers me about my NPD/BPD mother and husband who has the same, it's the permanent damage they have caused.  I know some might say that it's my fault for allowing it but that's not exactly true- especially relating to my mother.  Doctors and psychologists rarely ever address how the stress is seriously damaging our immune system, depletes vital nutrients, impacting our brains, our EVERYTHING!  Every cell in our body is being damaged by the chronic stress!

Last month I broke a dental crown and when I went to the dentist, he could not fix it because I have other much more serious issues that need to be addressed first- specifically, gum disease.  I've done everything right- brushed, flossed, rinsed, etc... .and I wondered, how did this happen so quickly?  Genetics plays a part and of course there are obvious reasons like smoking, poor nutrition, poor dental care but I have been a health nut for 15 years.  Yesterday when I was sitting, consulting with the periodontist, she asked, ' how much stress did you endure as a child and are you still enduring it' and I just dropped my head into my hands and said, ' Oh no, not again' and I began to cry.  "Stress" always comes up in my doctor's visits and I'm just sick of this!   How does stress destroy gums and cause bone loss?  Well, it turns out that chronic stress hormones do a couple of things to our mouth-  they cause plaque to form around the gum line and these hormones also destroy soft tissue throughout our bodies including the jaw and gums.  Toss in the menopause factor ( lack of estrogen) and the prognosis seems dire. 

Years ago before I hit menopause, my doctor ( he is an NMD- Naturopathic Physician) told me that I needed to remove the stressful relationships from my life because once I hit menopause, I would not have the protective estrogen and my adrenal system is too fatigued from a lifetime of chronic stress.  I do what I can to help myself but right now I'm feeling that it was too little too late.  I'm angry right now- angry that I have always had to pay such a dear price because of all the rotten to the core selfish people in my life whether it's thousands of dollars in therapy bills or health issues.  I had a full blown stomach ulcer when I was 18 years old and my mother didn't care about that and it didn't even occur to her that this was abnormal.  I was on anti anxiety medication ( librax and later, xanax) when I was 16!  This did not concern my mother and I was too caught up on the dysfunction to realize that they were causing it. 

If there is any one thing you should do for yourself today- it's make the effort to learn about your current physical health and how to protect it or improve it.  Learn about adrenal fatigue, learn about how stress affects your health.  Women, it's absolutely critical that you educate yourself and your daughters about very female specific issues like  how to best prepare for peri-menopause and menopause and pregnancy and postpartum. Don't wait until it happens because then it's too late.  We all hear about heart attacks and strokes but stress does a whole lot more- long before the symptoms become obvious.  Protect your children's health, protect your own. If you believe that anyone else in your dysfunctional relationships gives a hoot about your health or your children's  forget it.  Don't waste time expecting them to care about you and change to create a less stressful life together. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Leaving

I am very sorry to hear about your recent health crisis and also that you've had health issues before. I too believe there's a correlation between chronic stress and health issues. I myself struggle with certain chronic muscular problems and these last few years it has become very evident that they are at least partly related to the stress caused by my BPD relatives. I also had autoimmune issues last year and the year before that which seemed very much related to stress... .the issues first arose on Mother's Day two years ago  Being mindful of what's going on in our body is very important indeed!

Have you been able to learn ways to better deal with the stress? Something that has helped me is meditation and also cognitive techniques to deal with difficult thoughts that lead to anxiety.

Take care

[workinprogress]

I've been wondering about this lately myself.  I have  been working out and exercising for the past few years.  I have had nice muscle growth to a point, then I seemed to have hit a wall.  I just can't seem to get into the zone working out anymore and my muscles feel fatigued and tired.  I have been to the doctor and they said nothing was wrong.  I am now wondering if it isn't chronic stress that is fatiguing me.

Other than that, I have broken two molars in the last couple of years due to stress and grinding my teeth.

My blood pressure skyrocketed last year but I did get it under control.

But, overall, there is just a feeling of gloom in my life.

[Leaving]

Hi Leaving

I am very sorry to hear about your recent health crisis and also that you've had health issues before. I too believe there's a correlation between chronic stress and health issues. I myself struggle with certain chronic muscular problems and these last few years it has become very evident that they are at least partly related to the stress caused by my BPD relatives. I also had autoimmune issues last year and the year before that which seemed very much related to stress... .the issues first arose on Mother's Day two years ago  Being mindful of what's going on in our body is very important indeed!

Have you been able to learn ways to better deal with the stress? Something that has helped me is meditation and also cognitive techniques to deal with difficult thoughts that lead to anxiety.

Take care

Hi Kwamina and Workinprogress,

Thank you both for sharing

I'm sorry you are also dealing with health issues.  K, Mother's day... .ugggh  That's surely one day that could ruin a person's health if they have BPD mother.  I survived this year but that's just because I'm so fed up with my mother and her illness that I don't even care anymore. A family of BPD'd relatives is very stressful for a child and I'm convinced the damage to our bodies can be permanent if not addressed early on. But, how many doctors address childhood stress?  Not many.  When you mentioned auto-immune diseases it reminded me that this is exactly what is going on in my mouth!  The stress hormones have basically turned my good bacteria into my enemies and I'm currently working diligently to improve my health through exercise, supplements and extremely healthy smoothies. I'm drinking one now as I write.  Also, my soft tissue/muscles have been damaged by the stress which has contributed to the TMJ problems.  I'm going to add the meditation to my regimen and hope that helps as well.  I'm not very good at meditation but I'm going to keep trying! What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I watched a very good free documentary by National Geographic on stress that I highly recommend- it explains how the stress is contributing to our problems.      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs

Work,

I'm so sorry you feel gloomy   That's how I feel lately- especially since I've not seen any sunshine in three days!  Are you eating a healthy diet and getting quality sleep?  I'm not a very good sleeper which also affects my health.  Is there anything that doesn't?   

I don't know how old you are but the TMJ and grinding teeth is another contributor to  gum disease and will only make matters worse for you.  Make sure you get the proper care from a dentist and education about the long term effects. I get depressed just thinking about losing my teeth and I'm even having nightmares!  you would never know by looking at me that my dental health has been compromised but the xrays tell a very gloomy story that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't broken my crown last month.  I guess the broken crown was a blessing in disguise.  Age impacts how effective exercise can be but stress will also affect muscle in a big way.  I hope you will watch the stress documentary. 

My doctor also gave me a book called, ' Adrenal Fatigue' by James Wilson to read.  I'm also reading a book called ' Revive' by Dr. Frank Lipman.  They may have websites but, I haven't checked yet. 

We are all trying to heal our emotional wounds but we must not forget about our physical health.  They go hand in hand and when our physical health suffers, so does our emotional  health ( and vice versa). 

[Kwamina]

Hi again Leaving

Thanks for the link! I'm gonna check that documentary out.

What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I use the cognitive behavior techniques described by David D. Burns, M.D. to help me deal with automatic negative thoughts. Dr. Burns identifies ten forms of warped thinking:

• All or none thinking: Everything is perceived to be either full on or full off. If something isn't fully completed/ or right/ or perfect/ then it's entirely uncompleted/wrong/spoiled.



• Overgeneralisation: One example of a mistake or error is interpreted as a pattern of mistakes, and errors.



• Mental filter: One (negative) part of the picture is examined to the exclusion of the larger (positive) part.



• Disqualifying the positive: Dismissing or ignoring any positive comment/achievement/compliment.



• Jumping to conclusions: You think negatively about something without supporting evidence. There are two errors:
  
  o   Mind reading: You think without any evidence that someone is thinking negatively about you.
  
  o   The fortune teller error: You truly believe that you know what will happen in the future, without evidence.



• Magnification or minimization: This is making small things much larger than they deserve, and making other things much smaller than they are in reality.



• Emotional reasoning: Thinking that emotional states legitimately reflect reality.



• Should statements: Thinking in terms of should, must, ought imposes a view about the way the world is which may not tie in with reality, and which induces emotional unhappiness, resentment and guilt.



• Labelling and mislabeling: This involves describing actions or events in an over-the-top, emotionally coloured way. Name calling.



• Personalisation: This involves attributing blame to self for an event where the responsibility is not fully yours, only partly yours or not yours at all.

When you look at your own thinking patterns, can you identify any of these forms of warped thinking in them that could be causing you (more) anxiety?

If you want to read more about automatic negative thoughts and ways to deal with them, here's a thread about this subject: Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[workinprogress]

Hi Leaving

I am very sorry to hear about your recent health crisis and also that you've had health issues before. I too believe there's a correlation between chronic stress and health issues. I myself struggle with certain chronic muscular problems and these last few years it has become very evident that they are at least partly related to the stress caused by my BPD relatives. I also had autoimmune issues last year and the year before that which seemed very much related to stress... .the issues first arose on Mother's Day two years ago  Being mindful of what's going on in our body is very important indeed!

Have you been able to learn ways to better deal with the stress? Something that has helped me is meditation and also cognitive techniques to deal with difficult thoughts that lead to anxiety.

Take care

Hi Kwamina and Workinprogress,

Thank you both for sharing

I'm sorry you are also dealing with health issues.  K, Mother's day... .ugggh  That's surely one day that could ruin a person's health if they have BPD mother.  I survived this year but that's just because I'm so fed up with my mother and her illness that I don't even care anymore. A family of BPD'd relatives is very stressful for a child and I'm convinced the damage to our bodies can be permanent if not addressed early on. But, how many doctors address childhood stress?  Not many.  When you mentioned auto-immune diseases it reminded me that this is exactly what is going on in my mouth!  The stress hormones have basically turned my good bacteria into my enemies and I'm currently working diligently to improve my health through exercise, supplements and extremely healthy smoothies. I'm drinking one now as I write.  Also, my soft tissue/muscles have been damaged by the stress which has contributed to the TMJ problems.  I'm going to add the meditation to my regimen and hope that helps as well.  I'm not very good at meditation but I'm going to keep trying! What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I watched a very good free documentary by National Geographic on stress that I highly recommend- it explains how the stress is contributing to our problems.      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs

Work,

I'm so sorry you feel gloomy   That's how I feel lately- especially since I've not seen any sunshine in three days!  Are you eating a healthy diet and getting quality sleep?  I'm not a very good sleeper which also affects my health.  Is there anything that doesn't?   

I don't know how old you are but the TMJ and grinding teeth is another contributor to  gum disease and will only make matters worse for you.  Make sure you get the proper care from a dentist and education about the long term effects. I get depressed just thinking about losing my teeth and I'm even having nightmares!  you would never know by looking at me that my dental health has been compromised but the xrays tell a very gloomy story that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't broken my crown last month.  I guess the broken crown was a blessing in disguise.  Age impacts how effective exercise can be but stress will also affect muscle in a big way.  I hope you will watch the stress documentary. 

My doctor also gave me a book called, ' Adrenal Fatigue' by James Wilson to read.  I'm also reading a book called ' Revive' by Dr. Frank Lipman.  They may have websites but, I haven't checked yet. 

We are all trying to heal our emotional wounds but we must not forget about our physical health.  They go hand in hand and when our physical health suffers, so does our emotional  health ( and vice versa). 

Thanks.  I'm very aware of the teeth grinding issues.  I feel just a steady stream of stress.  I'm trying to be more cognizant of this and stop, but it's tough. 

I try to eat right and exercise on a regular basis.  I megadose on Vitamin C.

As for sleep, it has been harder and harder to get a good night of it.  I am starting to have trouble sleeping.

To add to this, my birthday is coming up and I asked my wife to go to dinner with me over the weekend.  She made the most repulsed look.  Then she said, "we are just going to celebrate it at your parents."  It would be nice to just do something with my wife, but it's not going to happen.

I feel like I mean nothing to her. :'(

[sparrowfarfrom home]

I have two unrelated family dramas going on at the same time. My BPD sister, and mother (all my life) and son and dil problems they are having which impacts me too for the last 3+ years.

this last go round with my sister was the last straw and I am now NC.

How the stress affects me : feeling absolutely wiped out. exhausted, a lack of vitality. a horrible case of the blaahs that is lasting for weeks now. like I am trudging through peanut butter (crunchy)

[Leaving]

Hi again Leaving

Thanks for the link! I'm gonna check that documentary out.

What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I use the cognitive behavior techniques described by David D. Burns, M.D. to help me deal with automatic negative thoughts. Dr. Burns identifies ten forms of warped thinking:

• All or none thinking: Everything is perceived to be either full on or full off. If something isn't fully completed/ or right/ or perfect/ then it's entirely uncompleted/wrong/spoiled.



• Overgeneralisation: One example of a mistake or error is interpreted as a pattern of mistakes, and errors.



• Mental filter: One (negative) part of the picture is examined to the exclusion of the larger (positive) part.



• Disqualifying the positive: Dismissing or ignoring any positive comment/achievement/compliment.



• Jumping to conclusions: You think negatively about something without supporting evidence. There are two errors:
  
  o   Mind reading: You think without any evidence that someone is thinking negatively about you.
  
  o   The fortune teller error: You truly believe that you know what will happen in the future, without evidence.



• Magnification or minimization: This is making small things much larger than they deserve, and making other things much smaller than they are in reality.



• Emotional reasoning: Thinking that emotional states legitimately reflect reality.



• Should statements: Thinking in terms of should, must, ought imposes a view about the way the world is which may not tie in with reality, and which induces emotional unhappiness, resentment and guilt.



• Labelling and mislabeling: This involves describing actions or events in an over-the-top, emotionally coloured way. Name calling.



• Personalisation: This involves attributing blame to self for an event where the responsibility is not fully yours, only partly yours or not yours at all.

When you look at your own thinking patterns, can you identify any of these forms of warped thinking in them that could be causing you (more) anxiety?

If you want to read more about automatic negative thoughts and ways to deal with them, here's a thread about this subject: Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks for the link

Well, I don't really experience the specific patterns that you listed except the one about blaming myself (for being stupid and ending up in the mess I'm in).    My thinking patterns are generally centered around preparing for the worst since I've been through so much trauma in my life. I'm a catastrophic thinker and I hate having to deal with traumatic, dramatic unnecessary stuff and people.  I don't know if the preparedness thinking causes me anxiety or comfort or both.  I think the anxious thoughts about feeling powerless to my husband's destructive behaviors or, as a child, my mother's, causes me to prepare for the worst which in actuality has always been a good thing given how it has saved me many times.  I just wish I didn't need to  live this way. At the moment I am stuck.  My NPD/BPD husband is a very ugly and destructive man most of the time- especially when he wants to prevent me from doing anything good for myself.  For example, he knows that I am in dire need of dental care so I must prepare for him to cause some financial crisis for us in an effort to prevent me from receiving care. I've already planned for that and squirreled the money away for myself that he can't touch.  When he does something awful like total a vehicle or over-draw the checking account, I'm safe and he's up the creek without a paddle.  I must admit Kwamina, until a few months ago, even though I would prepare for the catastrophes, when they would occur, I would always be there to fix everything and now, I just don't care.  I guess with my heath issues, I don't feel like I have the time or energy to deal with my husband's screwups and my mother's drama.  I am learning to defend myself and look out for myself first which is why I saved the money just for me and not to fix the screwups.  I think I'm angry- not in a way that I feel like I want to retaliate- but rather that I am very protective of my own needs now. It's a shame that it takes a health crisis to awaken me to be like this but indeed that is what it took.  Better late than never, eh?

I've always battled a lot of thoughts relating to self doubt- negative self talk and most of it comes from fear of not being able to help myself or rather, feeling powerless to change my circumstances in a way that will produce a better outcome.  I have no doubt this is from realizing that I made the wrong choices in my life that have landed me where I am today and I am terrified of making more wrong choices and things getting worse for me. People always trust me, depend on me and rely on me and I know I'm that way with or for others but when it comes to apply my own good sense to myself and my life, I have the hardest time.

Last night I had the scariest nightmare.  In the dream I was sleeping in bed with my husband and I heard someone in the house and I lay there in terror trying not to move or make noise.   I tried to nudge my husband to tell him but he ignored me as always.  I heard the footsteps come closer, my heart was racing and a tall angry man appeared and fired several shots at me in the bed and walked out of the room. I think he thought he killed me.  I heard him and other men ransacking my house. I lay there terrified not knowing if I was shot or not and too afraid to move. I began to frantically pray to G-d asking Him to protect me and help me to escape.  Suddenly, I heard a voice of a woman who turned out to be my dentist! Maybe my dentist is G-d!  heheheheh   and she was in the bed between my husband and I.  She told me exactly what to do and how we would get out of there.  She told me to slowly roll off the bed and under it and she would distract the men so that I could escape. I didn't even care about leaving my husband in the house with those intruders.  The entire time, my husband didn't move, didn't say a word, didn't even notice were in trouble.  I don't know if I managed to escape but I do remember feeling safe when I woke up.  

Dreams can certainly seem far-out and unrealistic but they tend to reveal so much about how we are feeling.  

Now, back to the meditation and affirmations.  Kwamina, I always start laughing when I try to meditate with positive thoughts about myself.  I feel like I'm being silly and foolish.  I have such a warped sense of humor and it gets very warped when I am trying to think positive things about myself.  I begin to think how I look so goofy sitting on my puff pillow with my legs crossed.  I dont' feel that way when I see others do it - just me

[Leaving]

I have two unrelated family dramas going on at the same time. My BPD sister, and mother (all my life) and son and dil problems they are having which impacts me too for the last 3+ years.

this last go round with my sister was the last straw and I am now NC.

How the stress affects me : feeling absolutely wiped out. exhausted, a lack of vitality. a horrible case of the blaahs that is lasting for weeks now. like I am trudging through peanut butter (crunchy)

I can totally relate!  It's truly like someone physically drained the blood from me.  Even worse, I sometimes get cramps like menstrual cramps and then I feel tired like I have to go to sleep. 

Is there anything you can do to recharge?  What about going some place to visit for the day or attending a workshop?  I find that if I can just do something outside of my usual environment, it really helps to minimize the effect the vampires have on me.

[Leaving]

Hi Leaving

I am very sorry to hear about your recent health crisis and also that you've had health issues before. I too believe there's a correlation between chronic stress and health issues. I myself struggle with certain chronic muscular problems and these last few years it has become very evident that they are at least partly related to the stress caused by my BPD relatives. I also had autoimmune issues last year and the year before that which seemed very much related to stress... .the issues first arose on Mother's Day two years ago  Being mindful of what's going on in our body is very important indeed!

Have you been able to learn ways to better deal with the stress? Something that has helped me is meditation and also cognitive techniques to deal with difficult thoughts that lead to anxiety.

Take care

Hi Kwamina and Workinprogress,

Thank you both for sharing

I'm sorry you are also dealing with health issues.  K, Mother's day... .ugggh  That's surely one day that could ruin a person's health if they have BPD mother.  I survived this year but that's just because I'm so fed up with my mother and her illness that I don't even care anymore. A family of BPD'd relatives is very stressful for a child and I'm convinced the damage to our bodies can be permanent if not addressed early on. But, how many doctors address childhood stress?  Not many.  When you mentioned auto-immune diseases it reminded me that this is exactly what is going on in my mouth!  The stress hormones have basically turned my good bacteria into my enemies and I'm currently working diligently to improve my health through exercise, supplements and extremely healthy smoothies. I'm drinking one now as I write.  Also, my soft tissue/muscles have been damaged by the stress which has contributed to the TMJ problems.  I'm going to add the meditation to my regimen and hope that helps as well.  I'm not very good at meditation but I'm going to keep trying! What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I watched a very good free documentary by National Geographic on stress that I highly recommend- it explains how the stress is contributing to our problems.      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs

Work,

I'm so sorry you feel gloomy   That's how I feel lately- especially since I've not seen any sunshine in three days!  Are you eating a healthy diet and getting quality sleep?  I'm not a very good sleeper which also affects my health.  Is there anything that doesn't?   

I don't know how old you are but the TMJ and grinding teeth is another contributor to  gum disease and will only make matters worse for you.  Make sure you get the proper care from a dentist and education about the long term effects. I get depressed just thinking about losing my teeth and I'm even having nightmares!  you would never know by looking at me that my dental health has been compromised but the xrays tell a very gloomy story that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't broken my crown last month.  I guess the broken crown was a blessing in disguise.  Age impacts how effective exercise can be but stress will also affect muscle in a big way.  I hope you will watch the stress documentary. 

My doctor also gave me a book called, ' Adrenal Fatigue' by James Wilson to read.  I'm also reading a book called ' Revive' by Dr. Frank Lipman.  They may have websites but, I haven't checked yet. 

We are all trying to heal our emotional wounds but we must not forget about our physical health.  They go hand in hand and when our physical health suffers, so does our emotional  health ( and vice versa). 

Thanks.  I'm very aware of the teeth grinding issues.  I feel just a steady stream of stress.  I'm trying to be more cognizant of this and stop, but it's tough. 

I try to eat right and exercise on a regular basis.  I megadose on Vitamin C.

As for sleep, it has been harder and harder to get a good night of it.  I am starting to have trouble sleeping.

To add to this, my birthday is coming up and I asked my wife to go to dinner with me over the weekend.  She made the most repulsed look.  Then she said, "we are just going to celebrate it at your parents."  It would be nice to just do something with my wife, but it's not going to happen.

I feel like I mean nothing to her. :'(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  What day is it? 

Oh, I'm sorry   Being invisible to the BPD's seems to be a common phenomenon - especially when they are narcissist too ( like my husband).

In my case, the steady stream of stress won't end until I leave my husband.  I've already been discarded by my NPD/BPD mother ( another blessing in disguise).  I don't know anything about your situation/marriage but are you planning to leave or stay and work through the issues?  I don't want to be invisible anymore ( unless I lose my teeth   )

[Leaving]

Kwamina and all,

I found a really neat guided meditation CD that I think will work for me!  It's on amazon.com and called " A Day Away From Stress" by Dr. Stuart McCalley. 

I listened to a few samples and I like the way he guides. There's also a section for relaxing the jaw and facial muscles.

I will be starting this tomorrow morning!

[workinprogress]

Hi Leaving

I am very sorry to hear about your recent health crisis and also that you've had health issues before. I too believe there's a correlation between chronic stress and health issues. I myself struggle with certain chronic muscular problems and these last few years it has become very evident that they are at least partly related to the stress caused by my BPD relatives. I also had autoimmune issues last year and the year before that which seemed very much related to stress... .the issues first arose on Mother's Day two years ago  Being mindful of what's going on in our body is very important indeed!

Have you been able to learn ways to better deal with the stress? Something that has helped me is meditation and also cognitive techniques to deal with difficult thoughts that lead to anxiety.

Take care

Hi Kwamina and Workinprogress,

Thank you both for sharing

I'm sorry you are also dealing with health issues.  K, Mother's day... .ugggh  That's surely one day that could ruin a person's health if they have BPD mother.  I survived this year but that's just because I'm so fed up with my mother and her illness that I don't even care anymore. A family of BPD'd relatives is very stressful for a child and I'm convinced the damage to our bodies can be permanent if not addressed early on. But, how many doctors address childhood stress?  Not many.  When you mentioned auto-immune diseases it reminded me that this is exactly what is going on in my mouth!  The stress hormones have basically turned my good bacteria into my enemies and I'm currently working diligently to improve my health through exercise, supplements and extremely healthy smoothies. I'm drinking one now as I write.  Also, my soft tissue/muscles have been damaged by the stress which has contributed to the TMJ problems.  I'm going to add the meditation to my regimen and hope that helps as well.  I'm not very good at meditation but I'm going to keep trying! What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I watched a very good free documentary by National Geographic on stress that I highly recommend- it explains how the stress is contributing to our problems.      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs

Work,

I'm so sorry you feel gloomy   That's how I feel lately- especially since I've not seen any sunshine in three days!  Are you eating a healthy diet and getting quality sleep?  I'm not a very good sleeper which also affects my health.  Is there anything that doesn't?   

I don't know how old you are but the TMJ and grinding teeth is another contributor to  gum disease and will only make matters worse for you.  Make sure you get the proper care from a dentist and education about the long term effects. I get depressed just thinking about losing my teeth and I'm even having nightmares!  you would never know by looking at me that my dental health has been compromised but the xrays tell a very gloomy story that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't broken my crown last month.  I guess the broken crown was a blessing in disguise.  Age impacts how effective exercise can be but stress will also affect muscle in a big way.  I hope you will watch the stress documentary. 

My doctor also gave me a book called, ' Adrenal Fatigue' by James Wilson to read.  I'm also reading a book called ' Revive' by Dr. Frank Lipman.  They may have websites but, I haven't checked yet. 

We are all trying to heal our emotional wounds but we must not forget about our physical health.  They go hand in hand and when our physical health suffers, so does our emotional  health ( and vice versa). 

Thanks.  I'm very aware of the teeth grinding issues.  I feel just a steady stream of stress.  I'm trying to be more cognizant of this and stop, but it's tough. 

I try to eat right and exercise on a regular basis.  I megadose on Vitamin C.

As for sleep, it has been harder and harder to get a good night of it.  I am starting to have trouble sleeping.

To add to this, my birthday is coming up and I asked my wife to go to dinner with me over the weekend.  She made the most repulsed look.  Then she said, "we are just going to celebrate it at your parents."  It would be nice to just do something with my wife, but it's not going to happen.

I feel like I mean nothing to her. :'(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  What day is it? 

Oh, I'm sorry   Being invisible to the BPD's seems to be a common phenomenon - especially when they are narcissist too ( like my husband).

In my case, the steady stream of stress won't end until I leave my husband.  I've already been discarded by my NPD/BPD mother ( another blessing in disguise).  I don't know anything about your situation/marriage but are you planning to leave or stay and work through the issues?  I don't want to be invisible anymore ( unless I lose my teeth   )

The birthday is Monday.  I have felt invisible for the last 17 years, except for when she needs something of course.  It's hard to interact with someone who is on their phone 24/7.

I am currently staying and trying to make things worse.  I know I am on the wrong board, but your comment about losing teeth got my attention.

I am staying because my youngest kids have a couple of years left in high school.  I don't want to mess anything up for them. 

[Leaving]

Hi Leaving

I am very sorry to hear about your recent health crisis and also that you've had health issues before. I too believe there's a correlation between chronic stress and health issues. I myself struggle with certain chronic muscular problems and these last few years it has become very evident that they are at least partly related to the stress caused by my BPD relatives. I also had autoimmune issues last year and the year before that which seemed very much related to stress... .the issues first arose on Mother's Day two years ago  Being mindful of what's going on in our body is very important indeed!

Have you been able to learn ways to better deal with the stress? Something that has helped me is meditation and also cognitive techniques to deal with difficult thoughts that lead to anxiety.

Take care

Hi Kwamina and Workinprogress,

Thank you both for sharing

I'm sorry you are also dealing with health issues.  K, Mother's day... .ugggh  That's surely one day that could ruin a person's health if they have BPD mother.  I survived this year but that's just because I'm so fed up with my mother and her illness that I don't even care anymore. A family of BPD'd relatives is very stressful for a child and I'm convinced the damage to our bodies can be permanent if not addressed early on. But, how many doctors address childhood stress?  Not many.  When you mentioned auto-immune diseases it reminded me that this is exactly what is going on in my mouth!  The stress hormones have basically turned my good bacteria into my enemies and I'm currently working diligently to improve my health through exercise, supplements and extremely healthy smoothies. I'm drinking one now as I write.  Also, my soft tissue/muscles have been damaged by the stress which has contributed to the TMJ problems.  I'm going to add the meditation to my regimen and hope that helps as well.  I'm not very good at meditation but I'm going to keep trying! What are the cognitive techniques that you use?   

I watched a very good free documentary by National Geographic on stress that I highly recommend- it explains how the stress is contributing to our problems.      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs

Work,

I'm so sorry you feel gloomy   That's how I feel lately- especially since I've not seen any sunshine in three days!  Are you eating a healthy diet and getting quality sleep?  I'm not a very good sleeper which also affects my health.  Is there anything that doesn't?   

I don't know how old you are but the TMJ and grinding teeth is another contributor to  gum disease and will only make matters worse for you.  Make sure you get the proper care from a dentist and education about the long term effects. I get depressed just thinking about losing my teeth and I'm even having nightmares!  you would never know by looking at me that my dental health has been compromised but the xrays tell a very gloomy story that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't broken my crown last month.  I guess the broken crown was a blessing in disguise.  Age impacts how effective exercise can be but stress will also affect muscle in a big way.  I hope you will watch the stress documentary. 

My doctor also gave me a book called, ' Adrenal Fatigue' by James Wilson to read.  I'm also reading a book called ' Revive' by Dr. Frank Lipman.  They may have websites but, I haven't checked yet. 

We are all trying to heal our emotional wounds but we must not forget about our physical health.  They go hand in hand and when our physical health suffers, so does our emotional  health ( and vice versa). 

Thanks.  I'm very aware of the teeth grinding issues.  I feel just a steady stream of stress.  I'm trying to be more cognizant of this and stop, but it's tough. 

I try to eat right and exercise on a regular basis.  I megadose on Vitamin C.

As for sleep, it has been harder and harder to get a good night of it.  I am starting to have trouble sleeping.

To add to this, my birthday is coming up and I asked my wife to go to dinner with me over the weekend.  She made the most repulsed look.  Then she said, "we are just going to celebrate it at your parents."  It would be nice to just do something with my wife, but it's not going to happen.

I feel like I mean nothing to her. :'(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  What day is it? 

Oh, I'm sorry   Being invisible to the BPD's seems to be a common phenomenon - especially when they are narcissist too ( like my husband).

In my case, the steady stream of stress won't end until I leave my husband.  I've already been discarded by my NPD/BPD mother ( another blessing in disguise).  I don't know anything about your situation/marriage but are you planning to leave or stay and work through the issues?  I don't want to be invisible anymore ( unless I lose my teeth   )

The birthday is Monday.  I have felt invisible for the last 17 years, except for when she needs something of course.  It's hard to interact with someone who is on their phone 24/7.

I am currently staying and trying to make things worse.  I know I am on the wrong board, but your comment about losing teeth got my attention.

I am staying because my youngest kids have a couple of years left in high school.  I don't want to mess anything up for them. 

Oh boy.  I wish I had kids but I'm also glad I don't because I would be in your situation.  That's tough. 

My husband is on his phone or some other gadget all the time and he pretends to listen to me.  I must treat him like a child when I need his undivided attention " put your phone down and look at me when I'm talking to you'.  I hate treating him that way but there are some grown-up issues that I must discuss with him. Why do I even bother?   His childish and negligent behavior destroyed our marriage.  It's not as if our therapist didn't tell him it would but he didn't care and like you, that was 17 years ago! 

I hope you have a nice birthday even though it's not quite what you hoped for.  What about your kids?  Will they celebrate with you too?  I hope you can do something that you want to do that makes you happy.

[Kwamina]

Dreams can certainly seem far-out and unrealistic but they tend to reveal so much about how we are feeling.  

The dream you had was scary indeed!  I feel this way to about dreams, they often are a reflection of how we feel or of the feelings and thoughts we try to repress. What do you feel is the most important thing that this dream revealed to you?

Now, back to the meditation and affirmations.  Kwamina, I always start laughing when I try to meditate with positive thoughts about myself.  I feel like I'm being silly and foolish.  I have such a warped sense of humor and it gets very warped when I am trying to think positive things about myself.  I begin to think how I look so goofy sitting on my puff pillow with my legs crossed.  I dont' feel that way when I see others do it - just me

I felt that way too in the beginning, until I started to notice that the meditation was having positive effects on me. There are different ways to meditate, sometimes you just gotta try some things out to discover what you are most comfortable with.

Kwamina and all,

I found a really neat guided meditation CD that I think will work for me!  It's on amazon.com and called " A Day Away From Stress" by Dr. Stuart McCalley.  

I listened to a few samples and I like the way he guides. There's also a section for relaxing the jaw and facial muscles.

I will be starting this tomorrow morning!

Enjoy your CD!

[Leaving]

Dreams can certainly seem far-out and unrealistic but they tend to reveal so much about how we are feeling.  

The dream you had was scary indeed!  I feel this way to about dreams, they often are a reflection of how we feel or of the feelings and thoughts we try to repress. What do you feel is the most important thing that this dream revealed to you?

Now, back to the meditation and affirmations.  Kwamina, I always start laughing when I try to meditate with positive thoughts about myself.  I feel like I'm being silly and foolish.  I have such a warped sense of humor and it gets very warped when I am trying to think positive things about myself.  I begin to think how I look so goofy sitting on my puff pillow with my legs crossed.  I dont' feel that way when I see others do it - just me

I felt that way too in the beginning, until I started to notice that the meditation was having positive effects on me. There are different ways to meditate, sometimes you just gotta try some things out to discover what you are most comfortable with.

Kwamina and all,

I found a really neat guided meditation CD that I think will work for me!  It's on amazon.com and called " A Day Away From Stress" by Dr. Stuart McCalley.  

I listened to a few samples and I like the way he guides. There's also a section for relaxing the jaw and facial muscles.

I will be starting this tomorrow morning!

Enjoy your CD!

Hi Kwamina,

I surely do appreciate your reminder to meditate. When life gets hectic and stressful, I tend to forget to do the most basic  things.

I pulled out my beanbag chair that I forgot I had and practiced my meditation  I does help  to simply take time out to do nothing except relax.  I have a hard time doing that.  Even when I was a teenager, I didn't sleep in and I never napped.  I always felt that sleep was a waste of time.  Maybe I feel guilty - like I should be doing something more productive.

So, here's a funny meditation for you... .I was trying to think of something that I've done that made me feel super relaxed and I remembered that artist that painted the happy little trees, Bob Ross.  :)o you remember him?  Anyway, I loved his show because his voice was so quiet and made me feel so happy and calm and relaxed.  So, I put on one of his shows on my computer and closed my eyes while he painted and I meditated on an image of what I heard him painting.  

The dream was easy for me to interpret this time.  I'm feeling very alone as always but especially given what I'm dealing with health-wise.  My husband has never been any kind of support- ever- and I've always felt very alone and in many ways, fearful and stressed because of that.  The dream was just affirming what I already knew.  I think the intruders in the dream represented all the 'assaults' on my health right now and of course, my husband was lying there in his usual self absorbed coma - not caring if I'm being assaulted, harmed or killed   C'est la vie.  Sometimes I really hate my life.  Oh and the dentist of course is the one who is going to help me heal and recover and escape the intruders. 

[SweetCharlotte]

Interesting question. I have the tooth-grinding. Never thought it was connected to my uBPDm, but it could be. For a while I had periodontal problems too, but they subsided with more frequent flossing and professional cleanings. I'm 54 too and just went through menopause. I'm pretty dependent on alcohol for stress relief(3 or 4 drinks per night). Other than that, my health is pretty good.

[Leaving]

Interesting question. I have the tooth-grinding. Never thought it was connected to my uBPDm, but it could be. For a while I had periodontal problems too, but they subsided with more frequent flossing and professional cleanings. I'm 54 too and just went through menopause. I'm pretty dependent on alcohol for stress relief(3 or 4 drinks per night). Other than that, my health is pretty good.

Hi Charlotte,

Cheers to good health!  I hope yours stays that way.   It's good to be aware of the many sudden & surprising changes that can occur as a result of hormonal changes and accrued stress. I wish I had paid more attention to it.  I knew better but it was easy to just live day to day and ignore the subtle symptoms but after menopause the process speeded up exponentially.

I think my menopause came a bit earlier than typical- age 48- my doctor told me that chronic stress can contribute to early onset since the adrenal glands are not functioning normally. 

Teeth grinding will definitely lead to gum disease. Alcohol will kill the good protective bacteria as well as the bad which leads to gum disease.  I'm using oral/dental probiotic gum and lozenges now.  I need to get a night-guard for my grinding.  Do you wear one?

If you're using alcohol as a stress-reliever, then you may also be repressing the stress and just numbing it which doesn't solve the problem and may make it worse since repressed stress is even more damaging.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your mother was the source of much of your stress.  I have no contact with my mother now ( the fourth time of NC I think). Dealing with BPD is always stressful!

[MiserableDaughter]

Oh too much... .After one of my mom'a horrific rages I became even more depressed and woke up crying every day for two months until I woke up one day with a numb hand. This lead to my MS diagnosis at age 26, with zero family history. My husband and I went through such massive incidents of stress, that he had a massive heart attack at age 40. He was probably 10 minutes from death. Every time my mother rages, my MS fatigue kicks in massively and I can barely get out of bed. Yes my husband is 41 and I'm 36 and we have MS and heart disease. And guess what? My unBPD mom who has her saying her whole life that the stress I give her and the hurt I've caused her will give her a stroke hemmorage etc... .The one who told me she had 3 years to live when she was fine... .Is perfectly fine. She has osteoporosis which like every woman at 63 has.

[Leaving]

Oh too much... .After one of my mom'a horrific rages I became even more depressed and woke up crying every day for two months until I woke up one day with a numb hand. This lead to my MS diagnosis at age 26, with zero family history. My husband and I went through such massive incidents of stress, that he had a massive heart attack at age 40. He was probably 10 minutes from death. Every time my mother rages, my MS fatigue kicks in massively and I can barely get out of bed. Yes my husband is 41 and I'm 36 and we have MS and heart disease. And guess what? My unBPD mom who has her saying her whole life that the stress I give her and the hurt I've caused her will give her a stroke hemmorage etc... .The one who told me she had 3 years to live when she was fine... .Is perfectly fine. She has osteoporosis which like every woman at 63 has.

Oh my gosh!  My mother is just like your mother!  In fact, she's a hypochondriac who even told my brother that she was dying while he was away at college.  I had no idea she told him this and didn't find out until years later when he accused me of abandoning her when she was dying.

  My BPD/NPD husband never has any health issues and like my mother, makes everyone else sick even though they claim to be the poor victims.  Auto-immune diseases ( including heart and related diseases) like MS are common among people who have endured chronic stress. Stress creates inflammation throughout our bodies at every level.  My father died a few years ago from ALS and my stepfather (wonderful man) was diagnosed with MS 6 years after being with my mother and he was also raised by a very abusive mother and abandoned by his father and abused at the Catholic school when he was young.  When he was diagnosed with MS, that's when he filed for divorce from my mother.  He said, ' your mother is nuts and I will not spend the rest of my life with someone who destroys my quality of life anymore'  I'm so sorry to hear that you AND your husband have such serious health problems and I hope that you can find some way to stay away from your mother and focus on taking care of yourselves and each other.  Please take care   No one , not even a parent, is worth this kind of suffering. 

[SweetCharlotte]

Teeth grinding will definitely lead to gum disease. Alcohol will kill the good protective bacteria as well as the bad which leads to gum disease.  I'm using oral/dental probiotic gum and lozenges now.  I need to get a night-guard for my grinding.  Do you wear one?

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your mother was the source of much of your stress.  I have no contact with my mother now ( the fourth time of NC I think). Dealing with BPD is always stressful!

Leaving:

No, I haven't gotten a night-guard, though it was recommended for me by my dental hygienist. Maybe I will when I have time.

I was in NC with my Mom when she suddenly became ill and died, the result of drinking and smoking. Cirrhosis caused blood to escape into her weakened esophagus and lungs—not a pretty death but a relatively quick one. It was very traumatic. My first marriage ended soon afterward, and when I remarried years later it was to my current uBPDh. I'll always be a part of BPD family!

[Sasha026]

Leaving!

You are my twin! I also had the mother/husband/me triangle. When my mother was through with me, my husband started in. The same thing happened to me. My health failed. I went into menopause at the tender age of 36, right after the birth of my son. By 40, I was all over it. My OB/GYN's mouth was hanging open when he finally took the blood tests. He knew what I was going through with those two and actually lectured my husband one time when I was hemorrhaging for six months.

Dental problems? Oh yeah, and I had teeth that dentists loved. They were straight, white and gorgeous. The only thing was that the tops of my teeth were eroding due to constant stress. I had to have them bonded so I could eat. The back of my mouth was a nightmare because when I was a kid, my mother told the dentist not to use Novocaine when he drilled my teeth. I used to scream. She didn't want to pay for it for me, she always had it.

There was a lot of medical cruelty done, as well. I don't think that people's stomach's could take it, so I won't go into it.

I also had a duodenal ulcer when I was 18. I lived on Malox.

I got pneumonia 11 times. Eight times in two years. This caused me to develop bronchiectesis.

I had ear infections so bad that my ear canal blew up inside my head. I had to have these tubes inserted so the doctor could medicate them.

I had a rash that started to develop in 1997. No one knew what it was and it plagued me until my husband's death. It mysteriously disappeared the week after his death.

I had diverticulitis and didn't even know it until the bowel actually broke in two. I had to have a resect in 2011. I almost died.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. I try not to go near doctors too much, I just can't handle something else.

Constant stress causes a number of problems. I've seen so many people with stress problems since I started posting here, it's not funny. I developed PTSD, anxiety disorder and panic disorder from all of the stress. I must say that I've made great strides in conquering the panic (which has given me peace of mind) with therapy and exercises. I never took medication.

Both are now dead, this is why I can make strides with the PTSD, but 10 years ago? I was a medical/psychological mess. I'm 63 now. They both stole my youth. Very sad. Don't let them do it to you!

Sasha

[Leaving]

Teeth grinding will definitely lead to gum disease. Alcohol will kill the good protective bacteria as well as the bad which leads to gum disease.  I'm using oral/dental probiotic gum and lozenges now.  I need to get a night-guard for my grinding.  Do you wear one?

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your mother was the source of much of your stress.  I have no contact with my mother now ( the fourth time of NC I think). Dealing with BPD is always stressful!

Leaving:

No, I haven't gotten a night-guard, though it was recommended for me by my dental hygienist. Maybe I will when I have time.

I was in NC with my Mom when she suddenly became ill and died, the result of drinking and smoking. Cirrhosis caused blood to escape into her weakened esophagus and lungs—not a pretty death but a relatively quick one. It was very traumatic. My first marriage ended soon afterward, and when I remarried years later it was to my current uBPDh. I'll always be a part of BPD family!

Charlotte,

I'm sorry that you had to lose your mother under those circumstances.  I hope that you don't feel guilty in any way for the NC period. It's so sad that we are forced to NC and can't give and receive the love with our parents.  When I was younger and in NC, I feared having to deal with what you did.  I don't suffer that fear anymore thank goodness.  It was a horrible burden on me for many years. 

I am also married to a BPD man but I don't want to be here and am planning on leaving.  I feel like I keep getting setbacks , like my dental issues at the moment, that affect my finances and ability to leave.  I try to stay positive though and look at this as ' Well, it's better that this is happening now, rather than after I leave when I would have even less time and money'.  Please take care of yourself Charlotte.

[Leaving]

Leaving!

You are my twin! I also had the mother/husband/me triangle. When my mother was through with me, my husband started in. The same thing happened to me. My health failed. I went into menopause at the tender age of 36, right after the birth of my son. By 40, I was all over it. My OB/GYN's mouth was hanging open when he finally took the blood tests. He knew what I was going through with those two and actually lectured my husband one time when I was hemorrhaging for six months.

Dental problems? Oh yeah, and I had teeth that dentists loved. They were straight, white and gorgeous. The only thing was that the tops of my teeth were eroding due to constant stress. I had to have them bonded so I could eat. The back of my mouth was a nightmare because when I was a kid, my mother told the dentist not to use Novocaine when he drilled my teeth. I used to scream. She didn't want to pay for it for me, she always had it.

There was a lot of medical cruelty done, as well. I don't think that people's stomach's could take it, so I won't go into it.

I also had a duodenal ulcer when I was 18. I lived on Malox.

I got pneumonia 11 times. Eight times in two years. This caused me to develop bronchiectesis.

I had ear infections so bad that my ear canal blew up inside my head. I had to have these tubes inserted so the doctor could medicate them.

I had a rash that started to develop in 1997. No one knew what it was and it plagued me until my husband's death. It mysteriously disappeared the week after his death.

I had diverticulitis and didn't even know it until the bowel actually broke in two. I had to have a resect in 2011. I almost died.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. I try not to go near doctors too much, I just can't handle something else.

Constant stress causes a number of problems. I've seen so many people with stress problems since I started posting here, it's not funny. I developed PTSD, anxiety disorder and panic disorder from all of the stress. I must say that I've made great strides in conquering the panic (which has given me peace of mind) with therapy and exercises. I never took medication.

Both are now dead, this is why I can make strides with the PTSD, but 10 years ago? I was a medical/psychological mess. I'm 63 now. They both stole my youth. Very sad. Don't let them do it to you!

Sasha

Hi Sasha,

Wow, so many similarities! You've been through so much Sasha and I hear ya.   I see more and more how so many of us struggle with the same health issues. I too have PTSD and like you manage to work through it without meds.  I think it's really important to educate others about the importance of holistic health ( mind, body and spirit).   We are not the ones who need the medication!  Like you, I'm terrified of doctors and our healthcare in the US.  If it wasn't bad enough that most of my problems were caused by stress from others, I then had to deal with doctors harming me. I'm so glad that you don't have to deal with those toxic people in your life now.  A little too late perhaps but hey, better late than never! You have such an amazing resilient spirit!

I can only imagine what kind of medical cruelty was done to you.  My mother did things to me that were truly bizarre and used medicine to harm me a few times. It's very easy for my mother to accuse my brother and I of being mentally ill and yet she has absolutely no insight into herself or how her life circumstances affected her children.

She told me from a very young age not to get pregnant because it would kill me.  She would work herself up into a complete state of hysteria just imagining me pregnant, run to her room, lock herself in and not talk to me. This wasn't due to me telling her I was or was planning to.  Her behavior was completely spontaneous and erratic.  She went behind my back and told my husbands the same thing. Right before my first wedding, she insisted I have surgery to show how defective I was  and why I could not have children. I didn't care about having children and my husband didn't want to have children but I fell hook line and sinker into her delusion.  The doctor was confused because he didn't think anything was wrong but he did the surgery anyway ( probably just to prove that everything was fine) and of course, I was fine. He knew something was wrong with my mother and he tried to be very diplomatic when telling me that he could not understand why mother would tell me such things. It turns out that the surgery damaged my pelvic muscles  since they had to cut them and I've had to deal with pelvic prolapse issues.   Anyway, years later when I got remarried,  mother's ' don't get pregnant' tune changed to ' you better not have children, oh -G-d, I don't want to be a grandmother of welfare children!' implying that I wasn't fit to be a mother.   I did get pregnant once and my mother insisted I get an abortion.  I wasn't about to do that  but I miscarried.  When I " happily" called her to tell her that I miscarried, she went into a long dramatic depression about how I had lost HER grandchild.  " That was MY grandchild!"  The thing that bothers me the most about this memory is that I was happy that I miscarried because I knew my mother would be happy.  That is just so sick Sasha.  Throughout my life there were so many times when my reaction to my own suffering was so disproportionate to reality because I was reacting based on what I believed my mother would approve of.  All my repressed pain and suffering turned into that toxic stress that has destroyed my health.

I lived a very dual life- HER DUAL LIFE.  What I mean is that she would impose one value on me and then negate it with an opposing value.  I was supposed to be a moral upright woman but she would encourage me to sleep around and always objectified me as a sexual object in one way or another.  She encouraged me to be a feminist but then encouraged me to be subservient to men.  Looking back, I can see clearly, why I felt so confused and unsure of myself all the time.  Who was I, who was I supposed to be? What should I look like?  What was right? What was wrong?  At some point in my developing years, I basically just learned that what I was supposed to be was whatever mom wanted me to be in any given moment. 

A few years ago my brother said to me, ' You have endometriosis ' and I said, ' huh?' and he had this odd look on his face.  Mom had told him that I had endometriosis and that's why I didn't have kids.  He also thought that I was learning disabled all my life and when I was working at a  Uni as a biologist doing taxonomy research, he thought I was taxidermist who skinned and stuffed animals.  When I tried to explain my job to him he just walked off and seemed not to want to hear about it. He's too afraid to hear the truth about my life and always has been because he's so hinged to his mother and her reality.  I think that the truth would probably put him in the hospital.  Seriously.  Mom always pitted my brother and I against each other.  She's told me how ashamed he is of me, how he would be angry at me for something like buying food that wasn't  cheap and generic.  It's mind boggling all the things I remember as I write. 

I'm glad that I am where I am today and that I have the clarity I need to move forward and away from the madness without feeling guilty.  It's sad that I don't have a family but I can't do anything about that.  I can only hope that one day before I die, I will meet someone and be able to create my own.  Am I too old to dream of such things?

Wish you were my sister 

I shall heed your advice and keep my boundaries in place.  Abuse no more!

[SweetCharlotte]

My mother did things to me that were truly bizarre and used medicine to harm me a few times.

Oh, you have just reminded me, Leaving, that my uBPDm had several of my permanent teeth removed when I was a kid. Some were removed to "make room for my wisdom teeth." Now my current dental care professionals tell me that this is not recommended at all. The wisdom teeth are inferior and, if they don't fit in the mouth, they should be removed, not healthy regular teeth.

As it happens, my mother was infatuated with the dental surgeon, and every extraction meant several hours of contact with him, with her giggling away and wearing an inappropriately revealing outfit. Who knows what happened while I was under anesthesia. My Dad's health and dental insurance was excellent at the time, so anything and everything she wanted to have done to me was completely free. Once I woke up from an extraction and found her crying, and I knew it wasn't over me! The dental surgeon had probably rejected her advances in no uncertain terms. That would mean back to the butcher and the gas station attendant for her—a big step down on the social scale.

[SurfNTurf]

In reading this thread, I see many similarities of health issues that people have who live with BPD'ers.

I am a Registered Nurse, so I should have some idea of stress reduction right? None of us are immune.

In the 6 years I've been married to the BPD'er, I have developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, now in exacerbation; in the past year, I've had shingles twice (you can't take the vaccine when taking RA meds), and just two months ago, a 'slight but silent cardiac event'. I started six month ago taking an antidepressant for the first time in my life.

That said, I try to exercise to the best of my ability several times a week. I also go to acupuncture for management of RA symptoms, stress reduction. It helps. I have tried to get off the antidepressants but then I get into loop thinking about my BPD husband, so the antidepressant helps me stay out of the loop thinking.

Before I married him, I had none of these conditions. Who is to say they wouldn't have presented if I hadn't married him, but living with the BPD probably contributed to them.

[Leaving]

In reading this thread, I see many similarities of health issues that people have who live with BPD'ers.

I am a Registered Nurse, so I should have some idea of stress reduction right? None of us are immune.

In the 6 years I've been married to the BPD'er, I have developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, now in exacerbation; in the past year, I've had shingles twice (you can't take the vaccine when taking RA meds), and just two months ago, a 'slight but silent cardiac event'. I started six month ago taking an antidepressant for the first time in my life.

That said, I try to exercise to the best of my ability several times a week. I also go to acupuncture for management of RA symptoms, stress reduction. It helps. I have tried to get off the antidepressants but then I get into loop thinking about my BPD husband, so the antidepressant helps me stay out of the loop thinking.

Before I married him, I had none of these conditions. Who is to say they wouldn't have presented if I hadn't married him, but living with the BPD probably contributed to them.

S&T,

You are so right that none of us is immune ( literally!).  I believe part of the reason why our health suffers even more is because we are so caught up in and distracted by the other chaos in our life that we simply ignore the warning symptoms. It's just another thing to worry about and it's over-whelming when you're trying to juggle all the other nonsense.  Plus, women especially tend to put self-care on the bottom of the list. 

You really are dealing with a lot in such a short time-  all auto-immune diseases   Are you planning to leave your marriage? 

Shingles twice?  How horrible!  I had a super Shingles outbreak in 2010 and it was probably the worst thing I've ever experienced.  I think mine was probably a bit worse because my childhood chicken pox was mild ( so my doctor thinks). 

I have also had the cardiac problems as well. 

We know what we have to do to improve our quality of life and it's just a matter of doing it. ( remove the source of the stress )

[Leaving]

My mother did things to me that were truly bizarre and used medicine to harm me a few times.

Oh, you have just reminded me, Leaving, that my uBPDm had several of my permanent teeth removed when I was a kid. Some were removed to "make room for my wisdom teeth." Now my current dental care professionals tell me that this is not recommended at all. The wisdom teeth are inferior and, if they don't fit in the mouth, they should be removed, not healthy regular teeth.

As it happens, my mother was infatuated with the dental surgeon, and every extraction meant several hours of contact with him, with her giggling away and wearing an inappropriately revealing outfit. Who knows what happened while I was under anesthesia. My Dad's health and dental insurance was excellent at the time, so anything and everything she wanted to have done to me was completely free. Once I woke up from an extraction and found her crying, and I knew it wasn't over me! The dental surgeon had probably rejected her advances in no uncertain terms. That would mean back to the butcher and the gas station attendant for her—a big step down on the social scale.

Oh my gosh.  Unreal.  Your mother was married and behaved like that? How did your father handle her?  I hope you were not living in a small town.  I don't think my mother was quite as obvious as your mother but her sexual affairs definitely got around town and affected my comfort level in school.  Did your mother brag to you or discuss with you her affairs or sexual stuff?  My mother practically bragged to me about her affairs and some of the men were  fathers of my friends at school.  I hated that the most and it really was stressful.

I had several permanent teeth removed because of braces ( I have a small mouth) but you're correct that the wisdom teeth should have gone.  I had mine removed in addition to the others before my braces. 

[Leaving]

In reading this thread, I see many similarities of health issues that people have who live with BPD'ers.

I am a Registered Nurse, so I should have some idea of stress reduction right? None of us are immune.

In the 6 years I've been married to the BPD'er, I have developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, now in exacerbation; in the past year, I've had shingles twice (you can't take the vaccine when taking RA meds), and just two months ago, a 'slight but silent cardiac event'. I started six month ago taking an antidepressant for the first time in my life.

That said, I try to exercise to the best of my ability several times a week. I also go to acupuncture for management of RA symptoms, stress reduction. It helps. I have tried to get off the antidepressants but then I get into loop thinking about my BPD husband, so the antidepressant helps me stay out of the loop thinking.

Before I married him, I had none of these conditions. Who is to say they wouldn't have presented if I hadn't married him, but living with the BPD probably contributed to them.

Hi Surf&Turf ( again)

Ironically, I just received an email from medscape re: RA ( do you read that journal?) and thought I would post the following for others to read:

"Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is a chronic systemic inflammatory disease of unknown cause. An external trigger that triggers an autoimmune reaction, leading to synovial hypertrophy and chronic joint inflammation along with the potential for extra-articular manifestations, is theorized to occur in genetically susceptible individuals."

So, even if a person is genetically predisposed, doesn't mean they will actually develop RA because it's the trigger ( stress, trauma) that triggers the inflammation and onset of disease.  Likewise, we all have cancer cells in our body but it's not until a trigger turns them on that they become the disease.  It's interesting that my brother has RA and I don't but I seem to be more susceptible to diseases that run in my father's family:  gum disease, heart disease and neurological diseases

Knowing our family health history and what we are genetically predisposed to would help us to know what we can do in terms of prevention.

[SurfNTurf]

Leaving - yes, that's funny; I just read the Medscape article on RA after I'd posted earlier, too! And I don't believe in coincidences!   

I am not planning on leaving at this point. I know I always have the choice to do so, I have a good career and good income, and I'm otherwise autonomous. However, I am mid-50's, as is he, and 'starting over' at our age just doesn't make sense. I therefore am getting lots of info and hopefully insight, on this forum and others, and have been through counseling (on my own, b/c he has no issues, and it's all my fault, you know.) I just have to learn how to take care of my health as well as everything else. You are right, we tend to put our own health last.

[SweetCharlotte]

Oh my gosh.  Unreal.  Your mother was married and behaved like that? How did your father handle her?  I hope you were not living in a small town.  I don't think my mother was quite as obvious as your mother but her sexual affairs definitely got around town and affected my comfort level in school.  :)id your mother brag to you or discuss with you her affairs or sexual stuff?  My mother practically bragged to me about her affairs and some of the men were  fathers of my friends at school.  I hated that the most and it really was stressful.

I had several permanent teeth removed because of braces ( I have a small mouth) but you're correct that the wisdom teeth should have gone.  I had mine removed in addition to the others before my braces.  

Yes, I think she started out having the ones removed that needed to go in order for the braces to be put on. Like you, I had a mouth too small for my teeth. Then, when she became infatuated with the dental surgeon, she had the ones removed that would make room for my future wisdom teeth so that she could pursue him further.

How did my Dad handle my Mom? WOW that is complicated, and I am actually writing my memoirs and will dedicate a whole chapter to that. So much is clouded with deceit, and I have had to find out way after-the-fact. They married when she got pregnant with me. He was her boss in a "Mad Men" style situation in Manhattan in the early 1960s. He had a steady girlfriend that she pulled him away from. My Mom was patently gorgeous and had hoped to do better socially, but because of her mean & promiscuous streak most of the more well-to-do men who had courted her wound up ditching her.

While on their honeymoon cruise, two months pregnant with me, my Mom met the "love of her life," a wealthy married stockbroker from Long Island. They began an affair that I witnessed as a youngster and which produced my baby brother. As she got older, she had to settle for men from more pedestrian walks of life. Enter the butcher, the hairdresser, the drycleaner, etc. One of them is the father of my youngest half-brother. In a big metropolis like NYC, she managed to cover her tracks for the most part. She always denied the affairs. People murmured about her, but she maintained a squeaky-clean and even pious veneer. She instructed me to remain a virgin until marriage or I would be very, very sorry. I rebelled and that, once again, is going into my memoir.

My Dad was not happy about the situation, but he was hopelessly in love with her—obsessed, even. He may have been unable to continue to have sex with her once they were married because he found out soon after I was born that he had contracted hepatitis C while serving in Korea. He and his possessions were treated like toxic chemicals in the household. So maybe he consented, though it hurt him, to her straying. I used to hear him questioning her behind closed doors about where my brothers came from. On the surface, he raised them as his own, but there was always doubt and it affected them very negatively. When both my parents and brothers were out of the room, my paternal grandmother would point me out and say to my aunt/her daughter, "She's her father's daughter. The others, I don't know... ."

As my Dad got older and his personality disintegrated because of alcoholism, he became physically abusive with her. When he saw her returning from the wrong direction after an errand, he gave her a black eye, for example. By the time this was happening, I was out of the house. I offered her a chance to come live with me but Dad would have to stay put; I didn't want active abuse going on under my roof. She couldn't pull herself together enough to do it. Eventually, she became verbally abusive with me as her own alcohol consumption increased, and I went NC with her. Then, she died.