Police, again

[maxsterling]

same story, wouldn't let me sleep, screaming at me, name calling, verbal abuse, threats against herself.  Told her to call crisis line, she refused, I started dialing for her.  Then the physical assault, pushing me down, grabbing at my phone, so I called 911 instead.  She wasn't arrested because there were no marks on me and they did not witness anything.  But they did tell her that trying to forcefully grab my phone was against the law and had they seen that she would have been arrested. 

I will call DV woman back tomorrow, see if I can set up a quicker intake appointment.  Also consider calling her T, her P, our MC, and just putting a final end to this madness.  Also considering an order of protection.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

sorry bud, here for you

[gomez_addams]

If she's been the type to make stuff up, I'd consider a digital voice recorder.

In fact, I'd consider one anyway -- heaven forbid it were to really escalate to where you left a mark on her in legitimate defense of yourself, having a recording might save you tens of thousands in legal fees and a record.

Check if your in a "one-party" state.

Don't use the recorder to win he-said, she-said arguments. It's really only for "No, officer... .She came at me with a chain saw... .That's why there's a bruise on her arm." Or "No, officer... .The time stamped files on this thing show I was watching reruns of the Addams Family, and she threatened to scratch herself and blame it on me."

At least that's how I see it.

Gomez

[married21years]

If she's been the type to make stuff up, I'd consider a digital voice recorder.

In fact, I'd consider one anyway -- heaven forbid it were to really escalate to where you left a mark on her in legitimate defense of yourself, having a recording might save you tens of thousands in legal fees and a record.

Check if your in a "one-party" state.

Don't use the recorder to win he-said, she-said arguments. It's really only for "No, officer... .She came at me with a chain saw... .That's why there's a bruise on her arm." Or "No, officer... .The time stamped files on this thing show I was watching reruns of the Addams Family, and she threatened to scratch herself and blame it on me."

At least that's how I see it.

Gomez

i have a digital voice recorder on my phone that i can trigger from my watch.

dont even need to touch my phone

[babyducks]

I will call DV woman back tomorrow,

please.

[sweetheart]

I know you are going to be super aware and careful max, but I want to say it anyway. Record/video her behaviour if you can, in my experience what came next for me were false allegations. This is serious now as she is no longer holding back from attacking you again.

The last thing you want is a restraining order against you and then having to leave your home. You know it happens, you been over on legal.

And yes tell all relevant professionals what has happened again so they have it on record, tell them what you intend to do also.

[gomez_addams]

i have a digital voice recorder on my phone that i can trigger from my watch.

dont even need to touch my phone

The advice I was given: don't use the phone. It's the first thing they reach for when you're trying to dial 911. And if you're dialing the police, the recorder might not work.

$30 at Best Buy. Up to you.

Gomez

[formflier]

 

The apps I have used work while the phone is going (calling) and are sensitive enough to record the phone call as well.

OK... .Max... .does this change your thoughts on an official report on the first incident (pressing charges)? 

Please discuss this with the DV people... .

We now have a pattern... .

 

[maxsterling]

The odd thing is, it was at least one of the same policewomen that responded last night.  I did show the officers the bruise photos from last time.  This morning I will look into filing charges from the last incident.

An order of protection would be easy to get.  It lasts a year.  She and I would be prohibited from ALL contact.  The police are on my list of calls to make this morning.  I'm not sure the order of protection is the way to go, but it is an option.

Right now, I awoke from having one of the best dreams of my life, then turned over to realize I am in a friend's guest room.  And I have about one of the worst headaches of my life.  And I used to *never* get headaches. 

I do have a recorder on my phone.  But reaching for my phone was what brought about the violence.  One should be able to hear it in the background on the 911 recording.

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe laws have changed, maybe it works different in your area, however... .

In my experience, it was not enough to call the police after an incident.

You have to request to file a report of the incident.

Without requesting the report, there is no paper trail.  

Then when going to court for an order of protection, there was no records to show.

If judge was told that police were called and... .

No report was written

You remained in contact

Then judge reasoned... .

Things are not that bad

You cannot actually be in fear of your safety, if you remain in contact.

The best thing to have done in that situation... .that I'm explaining... . Is to pull the officer aside privately, request to file a complaint or some sort of report against her... .in private, so she doesn't think to do the same.

I hope things are different now!

I'm sure you DV person will guide you correctly for current laws in your area though!

[married21years]

i have a digital voice recorder on my phone that i can trigger from my watch.

dont even need to touch my phone

The advice I was given: don't use the phone. It's the first thing they reach for when you're trying to dial 911. And if you're dialing the police, the recorder might not work.

$30 at Best Buy. Up to you.

Gomez

can trigger recorder on phone on watch dont need to go near the phone

allways have my watch

[sweetheart]

Hi max,

Just want to reinforce sunfl0wer post, unless you press charges, phoning the police means nothing other than in their eyes you were must likely having 'a domestic.'

I'm glad you're not at home and are somewhere safe despite the headache.

Can you stay where you are long enough to sort through the things that you have mentioned?

Take care.

[maxsterling]

Calling people so far this morning (police,etc) seems to be a big go around in circles... .

very frustrating.  At least she did not harass me by phone last night.

[maxsterling]

Okay, for now, at least the next few days, I will be staying with friends.  Purpose:  to keep my head calm and be safe.  DV advocate called me back, and once again STRONGLY suggested an order of protection.  Also was surprised W was not arrested last night.   

W is telling me this morning she is gong to seek legal council of her own, etc, etc... .  I think just threats to make me feel sorry for her.  Basically she wants to know if I am going to file that order of protection... .

[formflier]

Okay, for now, at least the next few days, I will be staying with friends.  Purpose:  to keep my head calm and be safe.  DV advocate called me back, and once again STRONGLY suggested an order of protection.  Also was surprised W was not arrested last night.   

W is telling me this morning she is gong to seek legal council of her own, etc, etc... .  I think just threats to make me feel sorry for her.  Basically she wants to know if I am going to file that order of protection... .

What in the world would she do with her own legal counsel?  The bummer is that sort of indicates she believes she needs to be protected... .vice treated.

Sigh... .

So... .what would be the reason to not seek and order of protection and not file charges for the first incident?

Hang in there man... .you are wrestling with big stuff here... .

FF

[GaGrl]

She may be thinking about filing an OOP herself.  You may need to file to beat her to it and ensure you have the house.

[maxsterling]

She may be thinking about filing an OOP herself.  You may need to file to beat her to it and ensure you have the house.

Beats me.  The house is in my name only. 

main reason I never pressed charges with the first incident is that I thought it would boil down to "he said/she said", especially considering I am a male victim.  A police report was generated, though... .  Same thing with last night.  I was surprised the police did not arrest her for assault, but again, no marks on my body, they did not directly witness anything, and she put on her smiling face when they showed up.

As for OOP - that's serious stuff that I think I need time to think about.

[KateCat]

The house is in my name only. 

Max, will this matter if she applies for an order of protection against you?

[Notwendy]

Max I hope you take whatever means you need to protect yourself.

Although the house is in your name, what are the marital property laws in your state? She may now own half of it if this is the law.

Taking action to protect yourself may result in her threatening suicide again. That is a horrible thought. I hope you have a plan of action should that happen.

Although she *blames* you- for her action *to get your attention* - you are not the cause of her making that decision. She made it. If she is a danger to herself, she needs to be hospitalized. You care about her, but caring for her could mean letting medical professionals take care of this.

I wish you a lot of strength. This is tough, and scary. I know the last thing you want to do is cause her distress, but you have to take care of yourself first.

[KateCat]

Maybe a family law attorney in your jurisdiction can tell you very quickly what happens when one spouse files an order of protection against the other.

[Verbena]

Today is Thursday. It's harder to get ahold of people and make things happen on a Friday, at least in my experience.  I would not wait, Max, to take some action.  She may have a plan up her sleeve that could put you out of your own home and make you look like the abuser.   

[KateCat]

She may have a plan up her sleeve that could put you out of your own home and make you look like the abuser.   

What are her options at this point? To her, this might look like the best course of action.

[maxsterling]

I just got off the phone asking questions about orders of protection.

1) - A judge has to approve it

2) - the other person has a chance to contest it.

3) -  If she did successfully convince a judge that I was abusive towards her, get an order issues, and me not successful in contesting it, she could gain access to my house and I would be forced to leave.  Nothing forces me to keep paying the mortgage, though

4) - I can get an OOP and not have it served immediately.   I have up to a year.   Everyone I talk to strongly suggests I do this ASAP.  So I made an appointment for tomorrow AM, and the suggestion was to get the order and keep it secret until I feel the right time to have it served.  So, for instance, if she finds another place to stay on her own, I serve it then.  Or if another assault happens, I have it served then.  Or if she is again hospitalized, I serve it then.  Or I could choose whenever.  The only reason to wait is basically that I am a nice guy and want to give her a chance to find her own place, or agree to a trial separation.  But then again, I mentioned BPD to the advocates I talked to, and pretty much heard each and every one of them gasp... .

5)  OOP means no contact at all between us for a whole year.  But the more I talk and think about this, this is about the only way to protect my physical and emotional safety.

[Cat Familiar]

Max,

I'm so sorry this happened, but given her history, I'm not at all surprised. PwBPD have that amazing intuitive sense and she probably realized that something was changing with you. My sense is that things will continue to accelerate and you're not in a position to stop her downward emotional slide. Please do everything within your power to protect yourself, your animals, the possessions you treasure and most important, your freedom. As you know, pwBPD will say and do anything. Please do not delay--you need major protection immediately.

[Cat Familiar]

Max, the time has come for you to not be "a nice guy" and protect yourself. Do not wait for another assault to take place. You are not safe in her presence.

[maxsterling]

Yeah, we haven't had sex in a month.  My "boy parts" aren't working - her accusation was that I was either gay or having an affair.

Hard to be in the mood for sex when:

1) I am dealing with assault trauma from her,

2) She constantly complains of severe pain.

[formflier]

main reason I never pressed charges with the first incident is that I thought it would boil down to "he said/she said", especially considering I am a male victim.  

Max,

If this is what is holding you back... .I would encourage you to not hold back.  If she strolls into court... .and says you are the abuser... .and you have the marks that you have... .well... .I think you have your answer about her remorse or willingness to get help... .and the future of your r/s.

If she goes into court... .and says she did it but needs help... .then there is leverage... .encouragement... .to keep her going in the right direction.

Looks like you got good information on the OOP.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Time to press charges. Obviously she learned nothing from the first incident. Do not wait for the third assault.

[maxsterling]

Time to press charges. Obviously she learned nothing from the first incident. Do not wait for the third assault.

Third?  This was about the 10th.  It just took about 8 prior for me to recognize that is what this is = assault.

[Notwendy]

Why is sex even on the table here?

Sex with someone who is physically harming you? ( and not a mutually consent Shades of Grey thing)

Any sex=    potential of baby (I don't care what kind of protection you use- nothing is 100% effective)

That would be the one thing that would make it certain that you can never really leave her forever - ( some contact will be necessary if you are parenting a child)

That would make it impossible for you to implement an OOP for a year.

For someone who is having abandonment issues and is acting desperate, she would think of anything to disrupt plans to distance yourself and this one is obvious.

NO SEX= NO BABY   so she will try to have sex with you in some way.

The issue with your "boy parts" may be your mind and body protecting you, but you are a male and I am pretty certain your wife knows what to do to get those boy parts going. I would not put this past her Max.

To be blunt, you may wake up in action with her if you sleep in bed with her. She could catch you off guard. "Protection" isn't enough. Physical distance is needed to protect yourself.