Settling for relationships

[K1313]

I was wondering if anyone has experienced their pwBPD "settling" for a relationship?

My BPDmother has burned a lot of bridges over the years and, as a result, doesn't have any real long-term friendships or personal relationships other than her kids. She's elderly now with many health problems and she's admitted to being very sad and lonely.

I have a relative with whom I do not get along at all. It's a long story but suffice it to say we haven't spoken in years. This relative is not often talked of very positively by the rest of the family because of a view that they are controlling, two-faced and mean. My BPDmother knows that this person has spoken quite freely and nastily about her (as she has them) and despite yet another vow (she's made many over the years) never to interact with this relative outside of family gatherings, she's still seeking them out.

I find the back and forth exhausting. While I'm sure that a part of this is due to the BPD idealization/devaluation dance, I wondered if some of this might be my mother realizing that she doesn't have anyone else because of how many bridges she's burned (although I know she would argue she was the wronged party in all of those cases) and so she's settling for whatever relationship/friendship she can find?

Does anyone else's pwBPD do this or something like it?

[Kwamina]

Hi K1313

My BPDmother knows that this person has spoken quite freely and nastily about her (as she has them) and despite yet another vow (she's made many over the years) never to interact with this relative outside of family gatherings, she's still seeking them out.

... .

I wondered if some of this might be my mother realizing that she doesn't have anyone else because of how many bridges she's burned (although I know she would argue she was the wronged party in all of those cases) and so she's settling for whatever relationship/friendship she can find?

It can be difficult to understand why a person with BPD does the things she/he does. Perhaps it is out of loneliness that your mother seeks this relative out. Another thing that comes to mind is that there might be something about this person that your mother admires (or is jealous of) and by association might feel like will also rub off on her. Are you aware of anything she might admire or value in this relative?

[K1313]

Thanks for the reply Kwamina. I've been thinking about your comment a lot.

I don't know if my mother has much that she admires in this relative. I think your comment about loneliness being a motivator is very true. So many people just won't deal with my mom anymore and so I think she seeks out any relationship she possibly can.

I realized that a big part of what was bothering me is how disingenuous or two-faced it makes my mother. She says awful things about this relative - really awful stuff - and then goes and seeks them out (probably driven in large part by loneliness). There had been a few occasions where my mother said something and then later severely contradicted herself. I kind of shrugged it off but lately I've really noticed this. There's a big family gathering coming up in a few weeks that I am not able to (or particularly interested in) make. My mother told me that my brother (with whom I had a pretty big falling out a few years ago although we've gotten to an easy place with it since) was really sad that I wouldn't be making it up. Then I talked to my brother and said something about not making it and he had no idea that I wouldn't be coming.

Now, it's a really small thing but his surprise and my mother's insistence that he was so disappointed... .I mean why lie about something that small?

Got off a bit of a tangent there but the point is this: between instances of finding out she flat-out lied or made something up and watching her pursue a relationship with someone she speaks horrifically about, I think I'm bothered because I'm realizing just how little I can rely on or trust when it comes to my mother. I sort of knew already but I'm beginning to understand it on a whole new level.

[cleotokos]

Hi K1313, I wonder if your mother feels like she has it together in comparison to this person? Perhaps it makes her feel better about herself in some way?