BPD Patterns Revisited. I'm Baaaaaack

[Pretty Woman]

Hello All,

  Well after a good solid year of no real issues I am back. Last week before a trip to Mexico my ex took a mutual friend bowling. I was asked to go but backed out trying to get stuff ready for this trip.

A day later I am told we are not really in a relationship... .that we have "Just been friends" and she was interested in this mutual friend sexually.

(we are lesbians by the way).

And now they are dating. A week before we were set to go to Mexico for a friend's birthday. $1000's of dollars spent.

Strange thing is this... .the OW actually told me, "I'm not sure where this is headed, all I know is we are both really attracted to each other. I hope you and I can be friends, I really like you and think we have a ton in common". Um... .no thanks!

This is the 2nd OW this has happened with. Why oh why do these disturbed people want to be friends?

This past year there was 0 sex in our relationship and I was numb after all the cheating, lying and raging. I think I just died inside.  I felt the less physically intimate we were, the less problems. She was actually enjoyable to be around! I mean a year of no raging!

Last January she moved less than a mile from me and we got a puppy. We even bought engagement rings. Now this... .

Below I will post something I posted on here a few years back. I still struggle with the fact she will be "better" with someone else.

I know I shouldn't because her history is beyond crazy.  

What kills me is during this break up she kept saying, nothing is going to change, we are still friends, I'm always going to be here.

While she triangulates me with her new GF. Again, no thanks!

The funny thing is she is sending texts like "I'm willing to listen but I don't see us ever together again" and then phone messages to say her mom is in the hospital ending it with "I love you".

I am broken enough to know all this is a game but it still affects me. She told a lot of people I "friendzoned" her so I guess that sort of gaslighting isn't as bad as in the past, and pretty true. I just worry about patterns.  She always broke up with me and ran off when something big was happening (like a trip to Mexico). She's always been gone 39 days exactly but then again... .her new supply was out of state.

I am not sure what to expect. All I know is I think NC is my only option.

Below is the history of me and my ex. Clearly I am the only one who will be able to stop this.


Timeline of My Ex's Relationships: (My ex is 52 BTW. I am 32).


-Got pregnant with older man's baby at 22

-Dates first actual girlfriend #1

-Hangs out with bad crowd ends up with girlfriend #2 leaving girlfriend #1

-Meets girlfriend #3 in a BDSM group

-Leaves girlfriend #3 for girlfriend #1

-Leaves girlfriend #1 for girlfriend #4 for who she meets online.

-My ex leaves girlfriend #4 for girlfriend #1.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex move to California.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex break up and girlfriend #1 moves to Michigan, My ex moves in with Girlfriend #4.

-Girlfriend #4 dumps ex because she cheated on her.

-Ex buys a condo and moves in with Girlfriend #5.

-Ex moves back with Girlfriend #4.

-Ex sleeps with Girlfriend #1.

-Girlfriend #4 breaks up with Ex and enters into a 10yr partnership.

-Ex goes on online and meets C. They last a week. Ex moves to Texas.

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #6-After a year, Girlfriend #6 dumps ex.

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #7 -Ex dates Girlfriend #7 for a year... .fraught with conflict (shocking).

-Ex dumps Girlfriend #7 and meets Girlfriend #8.

-Ex moves back to Tennesee and meets me.

-Ex tells me her ex #8 was a "stalker"

-Ex is talking to #8 one month into our relationship.

-#8 finds girlfriend and moves to New York. Ex starts talking to #4 whose relationship is done.

-Ex rages at me over something really stupid. Scares me. I tell her I don't think we should be together. Ex cries and begs me to stay with her so I recant.

-Ex leaves me for a week because I am unsure of being in this relationship. Blocks my phone number so I can't call her. We cannot communicate at all. She won't even listen to me, Week of Halloween. Comes back to me a week later.

-A day before my friend's party ex picks fight with me. Keeps me on phone for two hours day of party crying and angry at me. I arrive to my friend's house late. This is December. Ex returns two days before Christmas.

-Ex and I go away for NY. On NYD ex dumps me. Ex returns in April.

-Ex's ex #4 comes to town to visit in early July. I meet her.  

-I want to reschedule dinner plans for another day with my ex because something bad happened at work. Ex tells me "this is ridiculous. we are over".  

-Ex ends up making plans to see her Ex#4. Goes from wanting to be friends with me to threatening a restraining order. Tells me she wants no relationship with me, friend or romantic and to not contact her or she will call the police.

-Ex says #4 is her new girlfriend. Returns two months later calling me 50+ times on the way back. I stupidly take her back.

-Due to lack of trust I start seeing ex less and planning more activities with friends. Ex mentions a mutual friend of ours she thinks likes her and would be interested if we were not together. Red flags!. I think my ex needs more friends so I am happy they are hanging out (dumb me).

-Ex#4  starts a new relationship with a woman. Talks to my ex less now that she has been burned... .years later.

-Ex dumps me for new girlfriend # 9 and ceases all communication with me.


Moral of story: Do not get involved with someone who has more problems than you do.


UPDATE to this... .Ex came back after girlfriend #9 (Close to 3mo later) however I had started dating someone. I dated both for six months so technically I had 6mo of calm with my ex but we were not sexual anymore.

[Circle]

Wow, she seems like a lot of trouble. Glad you are putting everything in order and making sense out of it. Luckily you are so much younger and don't have to make similar choices as she has. You can live a completely different lifestyle than her. Best of luck!

[Pretty Woman]

I have contacted my ex because unfortunately I am having a lot of trouble being replaced.

Jealousy is at the root of this and I am struggling awful. She says I wasn't replaced, that this just wasn't working however she went bowling with this person on a Tuesday and pretty much stopped talking to me after that. Went to see her therapist and then I was out.

From wanting to be my "best friend" and calling me the "love of her life" while breaking up with me last week, she texts me yesterday that she is tossing out everything I gave her so if I want anything to let her know. For Christmas her gift to me was my own set of monogramed towels for HER bathroom. She actually asked me if I wanted those and the shower curtain I gave her.

I told her to keep them.

I tried to box up things she gave me but realized I really don't have anything from her.  She always dumped me before my birthday or holidays so I really don't have any momentos.

It really hurts that we were going to Mexico next week and now I am flying off alone... .that we stopped having sex and now she is having it with someone else... .that my entire house fell apart (it is like hoarderville right now) because every time she rejected me I would curl up in the fetal position and want to die.

I feel so broken and lonely.

It's funny. She literally was telling me "I am the one" a week ago and now this. It's happened so many times and yet this time it feels final.  Deep inside I cannot imagine she is throwing everything out. She keeps thumb drives of pictures of her exes. She keeps momentos. After every break up and recycle, things I have given her show up again... .pictures on the wall, etc.

I am just very sad today.

[jhkbuzz]

I have contacted my ex because unfortunately I am having a lot of trouble being replaced.

Jealousy is at the root of this and I am struggling awful. She says I wasn't replaced, that this just wasn't working however she went bowling with this person on a Tuesday and pretty much stopped talking to me after that. Went to see her therapist and then I was out.

From wanting to be my "best friend" and calling me the "love of her life" while breaking up with me last week, she texts me yesterday that she is tossing out everything I gave her so if I want anything to let her know. For Christmas her gift to me was my own set of monogramed towels for HER bathroom. She actually asked me if I wanted those and the shower curtain I gave her.

I told her to keep them.

I tried to box up things she gave me but realized I really don't have anything from her.  She always dumped me before my birthday or holidays so I really don't have any momentos.

It really hurts that we were going to Mexico next week and now I am flying off alone... .that we stopped having sex and now she is having it with someone else... .that my entire house fell apart (it is like hoarderville right now) because every time she rejected me I would curl up in the fetal position and want to die.

I feel so broken and lonely.

It's funny. She literally was telling me "I am the one" a week ago and now this. It's happened so many times and yet this time it feels final.  :)eep inside I cannot imagine she is throwing everything out. She keeps thumb drives of pictures of her exes. She keeps momentos. After every break up and recycle, things I have given her show up again... .pictures on the wall, etc.

I am just very sad today.

I'm very sorry for your situation... .and I understand the deep sadness intimately. You don't deserve the treatment you're receiving.

It certainly seems that your ex is engaging in a lifelong pattern, and that a stable r/s with her would be improbable at this time or at any time in the near future.

What do you want to do? Have you decided to go n/c?

[Pretty Woman]

JHKBuzz,

    I have been really bad at NC this time around.  I think it's because I feel this is FINAL.

I have been so conditioned that she will come back.  This is the 1st year she hadn't left. It was the most stable year probably because I was distant. We did not have sex but were affectionate. I had Gastric surgery so it took me months to recover... .and she actually took care of me and didn't bail.

I am greatly appreciative for that.

She kept saying, "We need to get back to us". I know she meant physically. I just wasn't feeling good about myself. I was losing weight rapidly, my hair falling out.

It was an adjustment.

The last couple of weeks the whole: Do you really love me? question kept coming. And I would respond: if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here after all we've been through.

We had a huge Mexico trip planned for next week where I am now going alone. She was very upset when I asked if the villa had wifi so I could bring my ipad. She said I would be ignoring her on the trip.  We were going to be there a week. I thought by the pool I'd have some downtime.

Vacations are a trigger as she was dumped and replaced by HER ex before a carribean one seven years ago.

I just threw a 2k birthday for her in late April with lots of friends and family there. She complained afterwards that I did not kiss her at the party... .

she was greeting people who came from out of state. I couldn't believe she thought that I did NOT love her.

A part of me thinks maybe she was just through because the romance wasn't the same.  I know I scaled back because the closer we were physically the easier it was for her to run. We were actually STABLE.

As she dumped me last week she said: Don't discredit the year we had. We came a long way and I am proud of us.

?

And now she is treating me like shyt because of the replacement or f'buddy.

I remember the 1st time she raged at me and called me an ahole over something very trivial. I remember she had my house key and I asked for it back. She ran out of the house yelling "No" got in her car and drove off.

Red flag #1: I gave her a key after knowing her 1mo.  She came back crying and begged me to forgive her. It was so disturbing and when she fled I seriously said, What am I doing with this wack job?

I know deep down she is seriously disturbed. I just think, this past year was so calm and I thought we were on a great path. Part of me just thinks she fell out of love with me and she actually IS better... .then again I know this cannot be cured on it's own.

I am feeling like I failed.

[jhkbuzz]

JHKBuzz,

   I have been really bad at NC this time around.  I think it's because I feel this is FINAL.

I have been so conditioned that she will come back.  This is the 1st year she hadn't left. It was the most stable year probably because I was distant. We did not have sex but were affectionate. I had Gastric surgery so it took me months to recover... .and she actually took care of me and didn't bail.

I am greatly appreciative for that.

She kept saying, "We need to get back to us". I know she meant physically. I just wasn't feeling good about myself. I was losing weight rapidly, my hair falling out.

It was an adjustment.

The last couple of weeks the whole: Do you really love me? question kept coming. And I would respond: if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here after all we've been through.

We had a huge Mexico trip planned for next week where I am now going alone. She was very upset when I asked if the villa had wifi so I could bring my ipad. She said I would be ignoring her on the trip.  We were going to be there a week. I thought by the pool I'd have some downtime.

Vacations are a trigger as she was dumped and replaced by HER ex before a carribean one seven years ago.

I just threw a 2k birthday for her in late April with lots of friends and family there. She complained afterwards that I did not kiss her at the party... .

she was greeting people who came from out of state. I couldn't believe she thought that I did NOT love her.

A part of me thinks maybe she was just through because the romance wasn't the same.  I know I scaled back because the closer we were physically the easier it was for her to run. We were actually STABLE.

As she dumped me last week she said: Don't discredit the year we had. We came a long way and I am proud of us.

?

And now she is treating me like shyt because of the replacement or f'buddy.

I remember the 1st time she raged at me and called me an ahole over something very trivial. I remember she had my house key and I asked for it back. She ran out of the house yelling "No" got in her car and drove off.

Red flag #1: I gave her a key after knowing her 1mo.  She came back crying and begged me to forgive her. It was so disturbing and when she fled I seriously said, What am I doing with this wack job?

I know deep down she is seriously disturbed. I just think, this past year was so calm and I thought we were on a great path. Part of me just thinks she fell out of love with me and she actually IS better... .then again I know this cannot be cured on it's own.

I am feeling like I failed.

Right after she left (we broke up after her repeated infidelities) I felt like I failed too. I saw so much of her "potential" and I really loved her and I was secretly afraid that maybe it WAS me... .maybe I wasn't able to make her happy.  I spent years trying to figure out how to make her happy.

What I discovered after going no contact?  I didn't fail - she just had some serious mental health issues that couldn't be overcome by "loving her harder" - that was magical thinking on my part.

I also discovered that my thinking that I failed and my trying harder and my taking on tons and tons of responsibility for the r/s can be traced all the way back to my FOO.

I'm 10 months post b/u and unraveling a lot of this with my T - and the deeper I go the more I become aware that my residual feelings for her today are really unhealed wounds from long ago - she just triggered them.

The more time that goes by I recognize that the answer isn't to "get her back" - it's to heal myself.

I understand that this b/u is harder for you because your gut is telling you that it's final.  But what if that feeling is not coming from her, but from within you?  What if it's an internal voice that is trying to tell you that it's time to let go, that you've been treated badly for far too long, that the beginning stages will be hard but in time you will feel better and happier, that all life is change and growth and the time has come to heal, to move forward, to be happy?

[Circle]

Red flag #1: I gave her a key after knowing her 1mo.  She came back crying and begged me to forgive her. It was so disturbing and when she fled I seriously said, What am I doing with this wack job?

     Sounds very similar to my exSO. Who also, in the beginning, took off in their car for no apparent reason; simply my asking why she seemed so distant. Mine is also ignoring me, in my efforts to maintain a friendship. If you look at any of the lists of what constitutes a healthy relationship, a friendship is one. Well, in my opinion, a friendship doesn't just die because you stop sleeping together. However, many people differ on this point of view.

     You seem to be in the thick of it right now. Have you tried anti-depressants? Being on them helped me with the recycles. I'm sorry you are with such an idiot. I really feel like brain damage might be part of the equation with people like this. For example, the birthday party you threw. Who could possibly complain about that; especially if they like parties thrown in their honor? I have watched my exSO do things that really reveal i.q. damage. I could list them, but hopefully you can take my word for it. One of my older friends works in the mental-health field. One of the phenomena that they deal with, he calls "de-comping". De-comping, as I understand it, is a serious breakdown. Every time these serious breakdowns happen, it damages the brain a little more. So that, over time, many of the seriously disordered individuals aren't quite the bright bulbs they used to be. I see that with my exSO. So much of what she does just isn't that bright.

     It sucks, because you are still so emotionally attached. You have to go through the painful physical withdrawl. I'm sorry that you are suffering through that; it's about as miserable as it gets. I've done it a few times myself in my life. Have you ever gone all the way through grieving somebody, who you totally lost, and come out the other side? When you do, as you probably know, you look back and say 'what the f*ck was I doing with that person'? I hate to say it, but the list you made, and everything else that you've said about your BP person, is pretty intense! They seem like a tornado! In your backyard! How did this storm end up on your front porch? Storms are cool, no doubt. But you have a chance to storm proof your house right now. You can start to pick stuff up off the lawn. That'll be nice too. Maybe the peace will finally be appreciated by you; whereas before perhaps it seemed boring.

     I'm like you, in that I write down what has happened (like your list). I try to make sense of it all. Every day, I keep telling myself something they did, as a reminder to why they aren't worth it. Maybe you need to put some fighting music on and battle your way through this phase! You can do it; you can make it through this. Keep posting and getting support! Be good to yourself; spoil yourself like you have a bad cold. We are here for you.

[Pretty Woman]

Circle, thank you for your words.



I have to get to the point that her words were just that... .words.  Telling me I am "the love of their life" while breaking up with me is not normal. Saying "you are my best friend and I love you more than anyone" to then say yesterday: I am throwing away everything you ever gave me so if you want anything let me know.

Not normal. Abusive, childish behavior.

While this year seemed calm, even normal, she told me she was bored and felt dead inside. Maybe because this was a "relationship". She bought a new Jeep, got a new place, we got a puppy. I guess it was only a matter of time... .

I have to remember while this year was calm there were a ton of issues from the first 18mo of our relationship:


-The running out of my house with my key incident---not giving it back (#1)

-Told me point blank she had "no impulse control"

-Used psych terms on me when in arguments calling me "passive aggressive" "knee jerk reactive" or that I was "projecting".

-After a relatively mild argument over something mundane... .she changed her number (when I tried to call and figure out what was wrong) and blocked my email

-One night we went to a bar she hadn't been to since her younger, wilder days.  She looks at me and says "I wonder what it would be like to tongue, ______(our friend). And proceeds to passionately kiss her in the middle of the bar leaving me to run off to the bathroom with our friend chasing after me. Having to have three friends put her in my car and having to drive around for hours in January because she was too heavy (dead drunk) to get out of my car (she passed out) and it was winter and I couldn't have her freeze to death.

-Her breaking up with me because I was supposed to bring her popcicles (she had a sore throat) and I fell asleep and my alarm did not go off (she was exhausting me).

-She broke up with me and went back to her ex (in another state) because I cancelled dinner plans.

-Any time I had a difficult issue or was struggling she would dump me on my arse. I wasn't out of the closet yet and no one knew we were dating so I was dumped and alone.

-She would break up with me before any holiday or special event until this year. I have very few tangible tokens from this relationship other than heartache.

-Once when she left me she was dropping things outside my house and I accidentally went to open the door... .she raged in and dragged me up the stairs by my hair (wrapped around her fists) screaming: "I want my key back! I want my security back" then hocked and spit in my face (I suffered PTSD after this episode). She then went downstairs while I got my phone to call the police and was rocking on a chair saying, "I have frontal lobe problems, I have frontal lobe problems". She left and called me from a parking lot not knowing how she got there or where she was.  Told me I should have called the police.

-Called me three hours later incessantly sobbing how she missed me and needed me. Then drove off to her ex in Minnesota hours later and threatened a RO on me.

- Has emotionally and physically cheated on my throughout our relationship.

-Has gaslighted me to her sister at work (whom I work with) and I have been threatened by her too.


Told me within LESS THAN A WEEK of meeting her about:

-baby she put up for adoption

-baby she aborted out of spite

-How she was sitting with the wife of the married man she got pregnant by when he came home from work. Told her it was his baby... .broke up his marriage and then left him.

-left her husband (was married for a year) because he tried to kill himself when she left him (I can understand this from his perspective)

-had a abusive father and both parents were never around due to their careers.

-was part of a BDSM group

-was part of a poly relationship with a man and woman

-heavily abused drugs (coke) in her youth.

-a heavy rotation of exes. Her ex in 2008 was left for the same ex I was left for in 2013

-Gambled away her life savings and went into 20,000 in debt after she lost her job.

-Was raped several times... .one rapist, a woman she has described as "beautiful" (not sure how anyone could describe their rapist that way).

-Has turbulent family relationships.

-Accidentally cut her ______ while trimming and calls it her little "dick". I think it was self mutilization.

-Has jagged marks on her arms and says it was from welding (I think cutting)

-A week into our relationship she tells me she has a restraining order on her most recent ex and had to change her number. Less than a month later I come over and she is laughing on the phone with her.

8mo into the relationship I find out this woman had just sold her house and was in the process of moving here when I came along!

Signs I should have heeded:

-She told me she cried the first time we went out (as friends) when I left. She thought she would never see me again (I found that strange).

-Asked me on our first date if I was "seeing anyone". Didn't think to ask her the same.

-Sex on the first date

-Planning our entire life within the 1st month

-realizing NOW I know nothing about her other than she likes rocks and nature. Everything we did were things I loved doing... .she was mirroring me.

-All her friends are my actual friends. She has one enabler friend who deletes me from FB each time we break up and then there are the 3 exes who talk to her yet.

There are many, many other things.

and yet I sit here thinking she will be "normal" with the next person, that THIS IS IT and she will never contact me again.

But deep down I know better than this.

Circle, I need to take my power back.

[Circle]

Sounds like you know what to do!

[Suzn]

A lot of similarities in your ex and mine Pretty Woman. So good to hear you say you need to take your power back.

You sound completely depleted. 

What are you doing to take care of you right now? Do you have a T for support?  

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Suzn,

  I remember talking to you on here before a few years ago.  It amazes me when I come back on here and see people registered since 2006-2007 and still on here.

Boy, it's not easy detaching.

I do not have a therapist as of now.  I am trying to get ready to go to Mexico for a week. My friend invited us for her husband's 60th. A beautiful villa (they rented) with lavish parties, shopping and relaxing. I had hoped this would be a good thing for me and my ex... .we could reconnect and relax together. She became angry I asked if the villa had wi-fi (thought of bringing my ipad) because we wouldn't be spending, every waking minute together. She wanted to be in bed for days with me there... .and this was a trip for someones birthday and we were guests.

Her expectations and mine were so different.

I know this trip was a huge trigger for my ex. She kept asking me, Are we ok? Do you think Mexico will be ok? I was very stressed the past few weeks trying to get stuff ready to leave. If you've read my previous posts, my house seriously has fallen into disarray from being dumped a million times. I still had holiday decorations sitting on my dining room table from 2013. This relationship was swallowing me whole. I couldn't get my bearings no matter how hard I tried.  I was seeing my ex two times a week and a lot of times it was with groups of people. Her excessive neediness was causing me to sleep after work and not wake up until the next day.

This relationship was physically killing me.

It is so embarassing how bad things had become. I started shopping to fill what I was missing. Now I am trying to dig myself out, while in this state which is not easy.

No worries, not in debt (at all) spend within my means... .still I spent alot to find happiness I wasn't getting.

Thing is this: It almost became a self-fullfilling prophecy.  I knew she would eventually leave so I put up walls to try not to get overly attached again.

Ironically those are the same "walls" she used to say this is why she fell for someone else. I mean literally in tears while dumping me, calling me the love of her life and then telling me she kissed this other person but yeah it's ok, we've only "been friends" for a year.

Not to mention calling me to tell me she is tossing out everything I ever gave her.

I just told her "go ahead". I know she is not doing this. She hoards momentos from all her exes.

I really did love her. I just can't help her... .I need to help myself. My dreams were falling. I was never going to have a baby if I stayed ( I am 39 and might want to have one).  She would have left me with a little baby and yeah I'd also be chasing after a three year old (my ex's emotional capacity) and that is not what my plans were. All the stuff we talked about I just realized were MY dreams. She just fed off them. None were hers. She didn't even have interests. Even all her friends are MY friends. She has one enabler and then exes.

I had an opportunity to make friends with her exes this past year.  Even an ex of one of her exes. It was amazing that she told myself and her one ex the same thing: "If I were a man I would piss a circle around you".

Both of us were a bit freaked by that comment but that was her way of sounding possessive. She also left this woman two times... .once for the same ex she left me for in 2013 and another for an ex who ended up with a man eventually.

The ex of the ex told me she really did a number on the ex who ended up with a man. She left her in Oregon and for a year they did not speak. She then noticed her ex was sneak texting with my ex under different names on their phones.

My ex does not let go of exes. They are supply.  I am very grateful she currently has a triangle she can manipulate. This is hopefully going to give me the time I need to recover. I have her blocked everywhere including email.

When I get back from Mexico I am getting into some serious therapy. I am also going to al-anon. She had many addictions, one being gambling.  Her new GF loves Vegas and gambling.  I think al-anon might help me a bit with my addiction... .to an unhealthy relationship.



and Suzn, if you wouldn't mind telling me your story, I would like to hear it.  It helps (although I know it's not a pleasant story) to hear similarities (you can msg me privately if you would like). It is almost comforting in a weird way.  Not that I really should need further validation this is a unhealthy person.