I hope you are all doing well... .just wanted to make an update about the situation/status with my bff
So about 45 days ago my BFF told me to "Get out of her life!"
Luckily I had some great advice just before the incident about separating my emotions so that stung instead of ripping my heart apart as most of you think it would.
Over the 30 days she barely spoke to me (I still saw her at the barn she worked at and where I volunteered), she was not very friendly towards me and I generally avoided her in person so as not to cause any outbursts.
I had one very sad, very miserable day where the missing was too much... .I saw a quote that described how I felt exactly.
"You can love someone so much... .But you can never love a person as much as you can miss them."
~John Green
Then something occurred to me as the 30 days stretched on and it neared out 8th anniversary of the day we first met (the 1st day of the 30 was actually the day after our 7 month anniversary,
), I didn't want another 30 days to go by. I couldn't MAKE her talk to me, but I could reach out in hopes that she would. This way even if she didn't I could tell myself I did all I could, I cannot force someone to love me, be in a relationship with me, etc, but I can at least do everything in my power to say I tried. So I made her a lovely card with a quote and a poem I wrote her, the gist of which was I will be your friend whether or not you call me yours; and I meant it. So many people had just told me to give up, walk away, protect myself, etc. The thing is I had already learned how to keep myself safe, my heart from breaking, etc... .(unfortunately it was breaking in her absence because I missed just being able to text and say, munchkin did the funniest thing today) Then I walked into Target to look for new sunglasses and they only had gold aviators, the kind she asked me to keep my eyes out for just before day 1/30. I picked out 2 pairs I thought she'd like (I couldn't decide which to chose) and wrapped them up with my card, a Happy Mother's Day card from my daughter, and some free tickets to an upcoming baseball game (she had mentioned she'd like to take her daughter to one, so I included 3 tickets for her, her munchkin and boyfriend). Unfortunately, the day I stopped by the barn to give them to her she wasn't there, so I left them in the office. I didn't hear a response, but I sent a text the next day just saying... ."I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere" and I mentioned I had some information I'd like to share with her, regardless of whether or not she was my friend. She actually responded. "I'll call you when I get the chance."
Before the call came I volunteered to cover a shift at the barn, not realizing that she was supposed to come that night as well. She was running late and someone who stopped by borrowed my phone to give her a call, but she didn't answer (I'm guessing she was in the middle of a lesson). She called back not long after, spoke to the volunteer who borrowed my phone, and then asked to talk to me. She asked how far along I was with the work and said she'd be along soon. Long story short she didn't show as she ended up staying late there, but we did end up texting and before I left the barn I asked to talk on the phone to be sure I was doing everything right. We spoke and after I was sure I had gotten everything done I asked about getting the girls together to play, as well as asked when she had time to talk so I could share the info I had. She asked me to come to the barn the following Tuesday to help her with her shift.
Tuesday came and by the end of the evening we were the only two left, but we did not get to talk (I plan on talking to her about BPD). She had to run to her 2nd job before we got the chance and taking stock of her not being a good mood I decided it was for the best. However, using my new understanding of BPD and how to interact with her better I simply brushed off her snapping at me over little things. By the end of the night she got in her car and said we'd try to find another time to talk and get the girls together, she was just so busy but she'd try to find the time. I told her I understood I used SET multiple times in our conversation and even though she had a sour mood when I arrived (not towards me just in general), as she drove away she smiled and waved. On my way home I got a text, "You're too skinny... .go eat a hamburger!" Lol... .When we are ok, she cracks a joke; so this was a good sign.
The following week I texted that I had some stuff for her daughter, hand me downs, and that my daughter and I would love to visit them. She was at work as she alway was but texted that we were welcome to stop by for a visit. She had mentioned in a previous text being stressed out (she has been fired from job #1 after losing her temper with her boss, works 7 days a week, and her divorce mediation was coming up, plus soon to be ex-hubby had asked for her car back since the lease is in his name). I thought about some way I could offer her a helping hand (within reason) and realized that she might find doing some mindfulness exercises helpful so I picked up a book at the store on our way.
When we got there she was doing a lesson, but the girls ran up to each other (slow motion style) and embraced. They hadn't seen each other at this point in almost 2 months, so they were thrilled. BFF called for her daughter to give us a tour until she was done the lesson. When she was finished she said hello to my daughter, but was a bit standoffish with me. She snapped at me a few times and I just kept talking to myself and releasing it each time. When she snapped at my daughter for "sitting" on the barn floor after a dog had just knocked her down seconds before (which bothers me way more than when she snaps at me I was actually smiling at the ridiculousness of it, but I kept my mouth shut), I picked up my daughter and quietly told her she did nothing wrong staving off tears which he usually bursts into when she doesn't know why she is getting in trouble. The girls went back to playing until BFF said we should take a walk while she turned out a horse.
Afterwards the girls played while she stood in silence puffing on a cigarette, it felt tense so I tried making conversation but she only gave short answers like "Fine." So I realized I should leave well enough alone and let the girls play so I just smiled at them in silence. She asked if I wanted to talk and I said I had information to share but it was a not a short conversation and of course she said she didn't want to do that at her work. She told me she was still mad at me... .I responded as I did before stating I didn't know what she was talking about. Before telling me to get out of her life she had accused me of spreading rumors about her at the barn to coworkers and other volunteers, and saying things that were untrue. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, and her response when I asked was that if I didn't know she wasn't going to tell me. Finally she decided to explain my transgression and she related that a coworker had told her misinformation about a night out we had with two male coworkers, I used SET. "I can see that you are angry and I hate that, it would make me angry too if someone said something untrue about me. That however, is not what I said." She told me the coworker told her what I said, I responded that she must have misunderstood me (which is what I predicted all along but there is no discussing it when they are fuming mad at you). It turns out BFF had told all of the coworkers/volunteers about our dinner out with the 2 male coworkers. So the next day a coworker asked me if we did end up going and how was it... .It was awkward to say the least (in my opinion) and I relayed the facts of the story exactly as I did to my husband the night before when I got home. The phrase that was seemingly misunderstood (giving the coworker the benefit of the doubt here), is that I quoted BFF when she got into the car at the end of the night after an entire evening of fending off one of the guys who was all over her she exclaimed "Stop trying to make out with me already, geez!" Somehow coworker took this statement as indication that there was making out going on (which not only I did not say, but did not happen), and approached BFF stating "What is this I hear about making out at last night's dinner?" Of course (understandably so) BFF was furious... .
After repeating myself several times (working really hard not to get angry and letting myself release my tummy butterflies), she finally acquiesced. She did however say that in the future if we go out I am to tell people that we "had a good time" but I was not to give any further details (which I disagree with, but that discussion is for another time). So after just quietly letting that all pass, she finally said, "I'm just so mad... .I was having such a good day and then you show up and now I'm so angry!" I remind myself I have not done anything to make her angry, driving to her work to visit her bringing her daughter hand me downs, and bringing her the mindfulness book. Her anger was most likely do to her being upset at herself for how she handled the situation not talking to me to realize there had been a misunderstanding and/or the fact that she still hadn't dealt with her feelings about it. "You get under my skin!" she said... .(I smiled in my head because I guess since she doesn't let anyone get close most likely because of the BPD actually caring about a relationship must be somewhat new to her). I told her I didn't want to upset her so we'd just get going, but thank you for inviting us and we loved the visit, especially the girls.
As we walked to the car she just kept saying, "You understand that I don't want to be like this, I hate that I'm like this. I don't want to feel this way... . You do get that don't you?" And the thing is after all of the research I've done I really do... .plus it occurred to me recently that part of our unexplained connection that she refers to is probably the fact that I do get it; even before I knew about the BPD possibility I have felt a lot of the thing she does over my life. Not feeling understood, depression, anxiety, fearing abandonment... . I told her I did understand and I became overwhelmed with emotion, my eyes becoming teary as I spoke... ."If you let me talk to you about the information I have to share, you'll get just how much I get it, that I truly do understand" I said as I wiped a tear from my cheek... .I believe she said something like good... .she was calm now, no anger in her voice and she even let me reach out and touch her as she spoke (when she is angry she pulls away). As I opened the trunk to give her the book and the items for her daughter everything spilled out and we both burst out laughing... .she helped me pick up the items as I told her what they all were and she thanked me for everything as I handed it over. She took special interest in the mindfulness book and excitedly flipped through it saying that she felt it would really help.
After we finished loading stuff in her car she had pulled out a memory card game from the stuff we brought for her daughter and asked if we wanted to stay and play, even for just 10 minutes. (I guess the BPD kicking in her fearing us leaving... .) But I said we didn't want to stress her out anymore and we had enjoyed the visit; we'd hopefully do it again soon. She said she really appreciated that and gave me a hug, the first hug she'd given me in over a month! Just by giving her time and changing my reactions and using SET and other techniques especially telling myself in my mind that it was not about me to soften my reactions as well as mindfulness, her anger had just melted away. I'm sure it's still there just under the surface and if she talks about the event again it will bubble up as she still doesn't seem to have actually dealt with it or forgiven herself, but in that moment I saw just how much my reactions really do effect the relationship. Just changing my part, can truly have an effect on the whole thing.
Since we have texted a few times, and she seems genuinely sweet. We have both done things that have upset the other, but if we can both realize we aren't perfect and agree we want to be friends still (the jury is still out on her end but I think the hug says a lot) then I finally have hope that we can get back to where we were and work through our issues to get to a place of love and acceptance with one another.
In case you missed it I just did a post recommending a relationship book with some of the stuff I mentioned (not the mindfulness), which I think would really help anyone trying to work on a non-BPD/BPD relationship even though it is not specific to that it really is about ALL relationships. You can find the link below... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277984.0
