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Author Topic: should he move or stay?  (Read 605 times)
debyt

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 35



« on: June 05, 2015, 09:54:35 AM »

Our marriage is going to be over unless several changes happen.  I asked for two boundaries and the third is common respect.

Boundary #1: I have asked Husband to move out so we can both heal our own inner children.  Mine is a mild codependent while he is BPD.  He instead has moved to the garage and set up a man cave/apartment.  He says if he moves out he will loose me and we might as well file for Divorce.

Boundary #2: I wanted no physical contact, not even hugs or kisses.  He has pushed that boundary so far that I feel guilty for refusing him that small token of affection.  We finally came to a breakthrough and I took this boundary down because he has been qualified for a DBT group therapy.  

Boundary #3: This one was unspoken but very huge: my private diaries, phone and email is off limits.  He broke this one BIG TIME!  He read my journals, texts, and emails and found out that I was finalizing separation/divorce papers.  

Here's the question: (yes I  know I am being stupid about asking about being fair... .) Is it fair to require him to move out because he won't respect my boundaries when I know that his love languages are touch and quality time, neither of which he will get any part of if he is off premisis?  Can not being in the same house be more damaging regarding his love languages than staying and enforcing these boundaries?
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

an0ught
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2015, 08:21:07 AM »

Hi debyt,

what you asked is sensible from your point of view. In terminology of this board these are however not real boundaries - as you noticed they seem not fully under your control.

The challenge for you is that he seems to be very, very frightened of abandonment. It may be something to validate, we often shy away from validating these negative emotions - partly since we share them. Validation alone probably won't let you overcome his fears as fear of abandonment is a very strong fear at the core of BPD. For him your plan is a plot to leave him. The question is less whether it is fair as to how to do it without him going through major panic attacks and melting down. I don't see him moving out unless you force him. All points to very strong attachment of him to you (not moving out, touching, diary invasion).

Two options for moving out:

- Boundaries - force him out somehow. This is likely going to be a bigger drama.

- Managed therapeutic separation that somehow takes also care of his abandonment fears: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686.0 . Possibly when DBT starts with the help from there?

short of that:

- Working on boundaries while he is man caving. You have to be strict of some things and not let him push you over. Boundaries are not really about fairness but what you deem necessary for you and for what you are willing to make a stand.

Excerpt
Can not being in the same house be more damaging regarding his love languages than staying and enforcing these boundaries?

Restoration of respect is in my eyes a required first step before love language / intimacy can work well. Boundaries are easier to establish when there is some physical distance. Whether cave land is far enough only you two know. Since he has a history of invading privacy I might consider locks on whatever inner or outer doors a useful thing.
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