Another example of black and white thinking.

[StarOfTheSea]

This just occurred to me today when I was thinking (ok, raging) about the hateful voice mail my exBPDbf left me after I told him via in writing that I know he was cheating on me. This was after I learned that he had gotten engaged six weeks after our b/u. He told me that he 'broke things off with me long before 'what happened' ( meaning the engagement, odd that he couldn't even say the word).  It also strikes me as strange that when he spoke of his fiancee he referred to her as 'the woman I'm with now'; not 'my fiancée' or 'her name', but 'the woman'.

That to me is an example of black and white thinking. For him, he was single so it was obviously ok for him to get engaged. Just no. There is a gray area of it being inappropriate, unhealthy for both him and his child, desperate, and just plain STRANGE to get engaged six weeks after a b/u. And it wasn't like we were in a casual r/s; we lived together, we had been expecting a baby, we were talking about houses and I had a bond with his child.

It's really bothering me today how cruel and cold he is.

[fromheeltoheal]

It also strikes me as strange that when he spoke of his fiancee he referred to her as 'the woman I'm with now'; not 'my fiancée' or 'her name', but 'the woman'.

That also illuminates the focus on attachments a borderline has; it doesn't really matter who it is, as long as there's an attachment, and the fear of abandonment is still there, probably along with a belief that abandonment will happen sooner or later with that 'woman', followed by another attachment.  Both sad and survival-based.

It's really bothering me today how cruel and cold he is.

It bothered all of us, it is very painful.  One thing that can help is realizing it has to be that way for him, another defense mechanism to deal with emotions he can't find another way to deal with.  How are you doing with accepting that he has a personality disorder Star?

[StarOfTheSea]

It also strikes me as strange that when he spoke of his fiancee he referred to her as 'the woman I'm with now'; not 'my fiancée' or 'her name', but 'the woman'.

That also illuminates the focus on attachments a borderline has; it doesn't really matter who it is, as long as there's an attachment, and the fear of abandonment is still there, probably along with a belief that abandonment will happen sooner or later with that 'woman', followed by another attachment.  Both sad and survival-based.

It's really bothering me today how cruel and cold he is.

It bothered all of us, it is very painful.  One thing that can help is realizing it has to be that way for him, another defense mechanism to deal with emotions he can't find another way to deal with.  How are you doing with accepting that he has a personality disorder Star?

Thanks for pointing out his attachment issue in relation to how he referred to his fiancee. It's obvious, but I'm so caught up in hurt that I didn't put that together. That was a eureka moment for me.

It's pretty easy for me to accept his BPD because it's an explanation for his behavior, but what's hard is trying to parse out what was the BPD talking and what was him. I guess I'll never know so I'll accept what I can be most ok with.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's pretty easy for me to accept his BPD because it's an explanation for his behavior, but what's hard is trying to parse out what was the BPD talking and what was him. I guess I'll never know so I'll accept what I can be most ok with.

And you can take it a step further by realizing the conditions that created the disorder happened very early in his life, within the first few years, before cognitive reasoning was possible, and it literally got hardwired into his personality.  We all go through various stages of development in the process of becoming autonomous humans, in a specific order, one stage building on previous ones, and when something gets in the way of that progression specific order becomes disorder.  So bottom line: there is no difference between him and his disorder, the disorder isn't a 'thing' he has, it's who he is.

[going places]

This just occurred to me today when I was thinking (ok, raging) about the hateful voice mail my exBPDbf left me after I told him via in writing that I know he was cheating on me. This was after I learned that he had gotten engaged six weeks after our b/u. He told me that he 'broke things off with me long before 'what happened' ( meaning the engagement, odd that he couldn't even say the word).  It also strikes me as strange that when he spoke of his fiancee he referred to her as 'the woman I'm with now'; not 'my fiancée' or 'her name', but 'the woman'.

Forgive me if I sound rude, it's really ignorance; I am trying to understand... .

The statement in blue sounds like he is either wording things in a way to push your buttons to tick you off by not acknowledging you and your feelings OR to show his inability to take responsibility for his choices and actions?

The statement in brown sounds like he is playing word games. So that when you two speak again, and YOU say "fiance" he can say "I never said that"... .or he's leaving himself and 'out' by not claiming the relationship as solid / forever... .This all sounds like manipulation and word games.

Maybe I don't understand what "black and white" language is?

That to me is an example of black and white thinking. For him, he was single so it was obviously ok for him to get engaged. Just no. There is a gray area of it being inappropriate, unhealthy for both him and his child, desperate, and just plain STRANGE to get engaged six weeks after a b/u. And it wasn't like we were in a casual r/s; we lived together, we had been expecting a baby, we were talking about houses and I had a bond with his child.

It's really bothering me today how cruel and cold he is.

Strange to get engaged 6 weeks post b/u, assuming he met her after you broke up.

I am so sorry.

[enlighten me]

A lot of pwBPD will decide the relationships over long before we are even aware things are going wrong. This is a reason why they seem to get over us so quickly as they have already grieved the loss of the relationship while still in it.

[going places]

A lot of pwBPD will decide the relationships over long before we are even aware things are going wrong. This is a reason why they seem to get over us so quickly as they have already grieved the loss of the relationship while still in it.

That makes sense.

So they 'detach' from us, but 'stick around' for the show?

Is this part of the 'mask' they wear?

[enlighten me]

Maybe its that they hope things will improve again or maybe as they cant be alone they stay until they land a replacement.

For those that dumped their BPD exs ask yourself how long did you stay after you realised things werent going to work out?

[fromheeltoheal]

A lot of pwBPD will decide the relationships over long before we are even aware things are going wrong. This is a reason why they seem to get over us so quickly as they have already grieved the loss of the relationship while still in it.

That makes sense.

So they 'detach' from us, but 'stick around' for the show?

Is this part of the 'mask' they wear?

Some borderlines are malicious no doubt, most are just trying to survive in a self-centered way, and seeing someone else in pain is a way to share theirs.  Attachments and the fear of losing them are everything to borderlines, a replaying of the situation that created the disorder to begin with, so a borderline gets hyper-vigilant in analyzing facial expressions, tone of voice, comments, whatever, to see if they can tell someone is about to leave or already has.  And with arrested development and that intense focus our motives and mindsets can be misinterpreted, something as simple as settling into a comfortable relationship, a contrast from the intensity at the beginning, can be interpreted as the partner has checked out.  So to be proactive, a borderline might leave before they get left, but a weak attachment is still an attachment, so hang around while establishing other attachments, and when one becomes stronger, jump ship.

Of course another way is open, honest communication with vulnerability, but someone who doesn't think very highly of themselves isn't going to go there, and how well do they function as adults anyway?  And in my case I didn't push very hard for that, I did to begin with but got bludgeoned into submission by blame and devaluation so I gave up.  Note to self: if that happens again, with anyone, get the fck out TODAY!  Life is too short for such crap... .

[Tay25]

  It also strikes me as strange that when he spoke of his fiancee he referred to her as 'the woman I'm with now'; not 'my fiancée' or 'her name', but 'the woman'.

This is really sad because you can tell that he is just using her to fill the void in his life. Also how he is reffering to her as an object, so very sad.

I'm glad you are moving on to better things, good for you 

[StarOfTheSea]

A lot of pwBPD will decide the relationships over long before we are even aware things are going wrong. This is a reason why they seem to get over us so quickly as they have already grieved the loss of the relationship while still in it.

That makes sense.

So they 'detach' from us, but 'stick around' for the show?

Is this part of the 'mask' they wear?

Some borderlines are malicious no doubt, most are just trying to survive in a self-centered way, and seeing someone else in pain is a way to share theirs.  Attachments and the fear of losing them are everything to borderlines, a replaying of the situation that created the disorder to begin with, so a borderline gets hyper-vigilant in analyzing facial expressions, tone of voice, comments, whatever, to see if they can tell someone is about to leave or already has.  And with arrested development and that intense focus our motives and mindsets can be misinterpreted, something as simple as settling into a comfortable relationship, a contrast from the intensity at the beginning, can be interpreted as the partner has checked out.  So to be proactive, a borderline might leave before they get left, but a weak attachment is still an attachment, so hang around while establishing other attachments, and when one becomes stronger, jump ship.

Of course another way is open, honest communication with vulnerability, but someone who doesn't think very highly of themselves isn't going to go there, and how well do they function as adults anyway?  And in my case I didn't push very hard for that, I did to begin with but got bludgeoned into submission by blame and devaluation so I gave up.  Note to self: if that happens again, with anyone, get the fck out TODAY!  Life is too short for such crap... .

I agree. He always told me that his r/s's never lasted more than six months. To me, that's about the time you're feeling really comfortable with someone and the crazy honeymoon phase has passed. So what he's interpreting as lack of interest is actually comfort. He's like an addict jonesing for the hormone high of a new r/s.

[StarOfTheSea]

 It also strikes me as strange that when he spoke of his fiancee he referred to her as 'the woman I'm with now'; not 'my fiancée' or 'her name', but 'the woman'.

This is really sad because you can tell that he is just using her to fill the void in his life. Also how he is reffering to her as an object, so very sad.

I'm glad you are moving on to better things, good for you  

I'm glad too What's even sadder is she's an ex gf of his from over a decade ago and the way he'd talk about her, wow, the hate that spewed from him was shocking. I mean,  he referred to her with every filthy, hateful name he could think of. I wonder how long he'll be able to hide his hatred. I don't feel sorry for her because she knows what he's like. Plus any woman with kids and a year out of a divorce that would get engaged after six weeks is obviously VERY disordered as well.