at 42 i have realised that my mother is a witch uBPD & Npd and i need advice

[Tilly1]

Hi all,

This is incredibly hard for me but also incredible liberating - I am 42 and have always known my mum has mental health issues but never knew how to categorise her. I would really love/need the opportunity to tell my life story so far as before finding the description of BPD and NPD I felt so completely isolated and that no-one else had or was living through what I was and felt in fact that no-one would believe me. Finding this forum may just restore my self belief and worth.

For as long as I can remember (going back to being about 5 years old) I was petrified of my mums rages and unreasonable behaviour. She would fly into frightening rages triggered by trivial things and mostly (when I was that young) by her accusing my dad of looking at other women (on tv!) not paying her enough attention to her, being left out. She would also be violent - I remember vividly being about 6 and standing on the middle landing of the stairs whilst she screamed at my dad and tried to stab him with scissors. She would regularly, when in a rage, run into the kitchen and pull out the cutlery drawer and smash it on the floor. I used to regularly rush to the toilet feeling sick either at the outbursts or when I could sense they were coming. during my younger years she attempted suicide a number of times - I remember being about 8 and my dad collecting me early from school as she had tried to kill herself - I still remember visiting her at the hospital. my parents marriage was violent on both sides and she was as attacking as my father - as a result I witnessed many physical fights and was told to lie/never say about any "events" - we had a very middle class image outside this madness - both parents in a good job, nice house. Suffice to say my parents divorced when I was 13 and had the most acrimonious divorce mostly because of the intolerable demands of my mother but also her affairs - I stayed with her rather than my dad purely as I was scared she would kill herself if I didn't, in turn my dad accused me of abandoning him (I was 13) and we lost contact for a number of years.

When I was 14 my mother remarried a much younger man (15 years her junior and only 13 years older than me). He was emotionally abusive to me, starting by telling people how he never wanted kids through to smashing up my things (records, possessions). My mum though loved that she had this sycophantic husband that publically told everyone he only needed her and vice versa. They both made it very clear i was in the way and she would fly into rages at me for trivial things and physically attack me - punching and kicking, i had to call the police on a number of occasions as she would block the door by sitting in front of it and furiously kick her legs if I tried to leave. She would not care that he called me awful names and by the time I was 17 I had been regularly kicked out and had to sleep on friends sofas, I would envariably go home (I had no where else to go) the most memorable time was my step father standing in our hall saying he hated me, that I was a whore, b___ etc and it was me or him - she calmly told him to tell me to leave then - that was 2am and I left with a carrier bag aged 16.

She continued to be cruel and say horrendous things to me in my early 20's - if we argued she would randomly threaten to tell lies about me , for example tell my current boyfriend I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt) but look me in the eye while telling the lie and tell me it was true! My first pregnanacy she ignored and raged that it was selfish of me as her and my step dad had plans. When my daughter was 4 and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes she refused to talk with me about it (as it would upset her)but would tell all her friends how distraught SHE was. When I was pregnant at 27 with my second she divorced my stepdad and ruined him, had him lose his job slept with his boss ! When I gave birth she had agreed to look after my first child (I was trying to involve her) but told me whilst I was in early stages of labour and at the hospital she was flying out to Milan at 4pm ( I had to do a desperate ring to find a sitter) . when I was annoyed she told everyone I was suffering PND! she feels NO remorse for what she says or does to me or to anyone that disobeys her - she wants to and will destroy that person. She has always told me everything including her suicide attempts and my step fathers abuse of me was my fault. My kids are now 14 and 17 and have seen these rages over the years although I have tried to distance myself she obsesses over my life has to be part of it and control it but doesn't want me achieving or being my own person. Her latest rage involves her usual victim stance that she is being ignored as she wasn't invited to a meal (that was nothing to do with her) and as a result has started verbally abusing my kids or really hurting their feelings with cruel actions. When I asked her to stop and that I was tired of her behaviour it is like I have opened the gates of hell... .I get loads of abusive texts, wishing awful things on me, telling me that I am delusional and the things that I remind her she has done in the past are all my imagination, she hopes my husband leaves me, I'm a bad parent etc... .that is when I started searching for some help and came across the witch description of BPD and NPD and it was like an epiphany - I cant believe I have suffered alone for so long thinking that I am in some way to blame (even though I know deep down I am not) ... .I used to say to people that I had this weird thing about being in a room - I would always scan for the exits or see what I could use as a weapon... .I have now seen this is an actual thing "hypervigilance" caused by witch mothers. I am so relieved to have found some explanation but also angry and sad that this has taken up so much of my life.

I feel I have to go No Contact - for mine and my families sanity, her presence still scares me and her anger and words cut so deep"... .even though I know they are rantings of an unstable person I cant get my head around the fact that my mother is doing this to me... .I couldn't do this to someone I hate - does she really hate me?

Add to this she is very wealthy and does huge acts of generosity (buying ridiculously expensive gifts for people) and flashing her money around... .it fools people into thinking she is nice and kind "oh she bought X an expensive gift voucher she is so nice!" she tries to buy everyone including me, thrusting expensive gifts on me then throwing it back as how ungrateful I am if I don't take her abuse... .I am her verbal punchbag when she is angry at anyone or anything - but she believes I have NO right of reply or defend myself.

I really need to go NC but dread the questions of why as everyone is oblivious to her actions... .what do I do to protect my own sanity?

Sorry for the long rambling - first time I have had the chance to vent!

[happykiwi]

Hi Tilly1

I am a 44 year old who has just recently realised what my uBPDm is/was to me all my life.  The realisation was great in the fact it wasn't me, it was always her.  But i still felt an intense anger at the upbringing I had and a terrible sense of grief at the mother I never had.  This year I broke free.  I refused to send a mothers day card.  it was so liberating not to have to stand amongst all those bloody cards and read message after message that never rang true. 

I wrote a break up letter to my mother which I don't intend to send but it really helped me sort my emotions.  I have decided to go NC because that is what is best for me at this time.  I have blocked her from my phone and it feels so peaceful knowing she will not be popping up in my caller ID.  Going NC or LC is up to you.  For me it has bought peace while I work through understanding where so much weirdness has come from in my life.  Also I'm very fortunate that she is five hours away by plane so I don't have to worry about her popping up at my door!

The main thing I would like you to take away is that you are someone that deserves unconditional love, you are wonderful and magic and no one deserves anyone in their life saying otherwise.  No one deserves that.  If something is unhealthy it should be removed.  Maybe try setting boundries with her if this is too extreme for you.  And then if she continues to ignore your wishes you may have a clearer answer.

[Tilly1]

Hi HappyKiwi,

It really does bring me some comfort that others know what I have and am experiencing - awful as that sounds as I wouldn't wish this mother daughter relationship on anyone. I know exactly what you mean about the mothers day card buying - I would always feel awkward buying them (and birthday cards), having always to look for the most simple text that just said "happy mothers day - have a great day"... .I literally couldn't bring myself to buy the cards with loving texts! I have my mothers birthday on 4th July (she'll be 71) and am going to ignore it -not because I get any satisfaction that this may "hurt" her but I know that she relies on events like birthdays for me then to have to make contact after having been cruel and spiteful weeks earlier and me having backed off.

I have tried LC and NC in the past but have felt guilty and ultimately tried to smooth things over. Never ever has my mother apologised, no matter how wicked or cruel her words or actions have been, including physical lashing out episodes - she truly thinks its her right to treat me like this!

For me, this is now about protecting myself, my sanity, my other relationships and my kids. It is starting to effect my marriage as I am so down and upset a lot of the time and it raises my trust issues and I just want to push others away as I feel if I let them in to help they will just hurt me - I know this is wrong and I only have these flare ups of insecurity, trust issues with those who I have learnt to trust when I am on the end of her abuse.

She still scares me, its like that childish fear of someone that as an adult you may not feel - I still feel it as I'm sure its ingrained in me from such a young age.

I know she will, when I don't acknowledge her birthday, play the concerned/wounded parent so well to the outside world and make sure she tells everyone what a cruel daughter I am. I think that's what makes me scared and so angry with her too, that she isn't stupid, she is incredible manipulative and high functioning - its like a wicked game to her.

But Happy kiwi - you are right, I do deserve the normal things in life and not to be abused... .I have to keep reminding myself this. I think I will do the same and write a letter that I will not send but for me. I am sorry that you are going through this too and hope that your decision brings you the peace that we all deserve

Thank you for your response it truly means a lot.

[happykiwi]

Hi Tilly1

You are welcome  

You have to make the relationships that matter the most to your happiness the most important.  My husband and children are all number one.  My husband has always had my mothers number from day one of meeting her.  And she knew he did too and has always been very careful around him.  I never saw this.  When she visited recently and this whole awareness came about for me regarding how horrible she is I remember whispering to him "has she always been like this?".  He was like "yep" and then proceeded to give me examples of her behaviour towards me.  Wow.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I typed into Google, why do i dislike my Mum and bam! found this site and so many others.

Lord we are not alone!  There are so many of us out there.  I have been having so many aha moments since these realisations.  Had one yesterday.  My son turned nine and as he was opening up all his presents and I was watching the pure joy at each wonderful present I realised why I never really enjoyed my birthdays or christmas.  Because my Mother never put any thought into what I was interested in or loved in any gifts.  I remember always being confused at my selection of gifts but having been taught to be grateful just accepted it for what it was.  Now I understand why I spend a lot of time when I buy anyone a gift making sure it will mean something to them.

As for her telling people what a cruel daughter you are.  Well you can be sure she has tarred you with that brush before and you probably weren't even aware of it.  My Mother told me all sorts of horrible things about my brother and I have since found out they weren't true.  She successfully pushed us apart.  So I can only imagine what lies she has fed him over the years about me.  As for her playing a wicked game with you?  Stop playing it with her. 

One thing I do when I feel a bit of FOG creeping in, is I go back and read the letter I wrote to her and it reminds me of all the horrible things she has done and said to me and it helps me resolve why and gives me back my strength.  It truly sucks that we don't have a normal Mum/daughter relationship and we never will.

I hope you find your answer

[Leaving]

Hi Tilly & HappyKiwi 

I wish it didn't take us all so long to discover the truth and fully understand our mothers disorder.  Even worse, we then must proceed on the healing journey at a time in our life when we should be winding down and reveling in a more relaxing lifestyle.

Kiwi, my first husband was on to my mother from day one as well ( he was also a psychologist) and this is why my mother hated him.  He wasn't ugly or disrespectful to her but he never tolerated her degrading me on any level.  Nonetheless, she succeeded in destroying my marriage.  She also pitted my brother and I against each other from day one and we are currently not talking.  I used to feel very sad and broken up about not having my brother in my life but he always chooses to align himself with mother and her 'truth' and so, I finally gave up trying to have a relationship with him.  There are too many 'requirements' that I must adhere to in order to be a part of his life- like being willing to attend functions with our mother present and of course, be willing to overlook her verbal assaults and pretend that we have a happy family. Can't do it anymore or rather, won't.

Tilly,

A breakthrough crisis is both painful and enlightening as you say and you're going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for awhile while you recover memories and gain more clarity.   You sound like you are very strong and wise despite all that you've been through with your mother.  You're intuitive and you should always respect your feelings and heed your own advice.  Anytime that I doubted my own and ignored it, I paid dearly.  It's better to be safe than sorry.

It seems to me that your desire for NC is justified for now since you have your own family and they are your priority.  There's no reason to feel guilty for wanting the best for your family and it doesn't sound like your mother could have a safe or good influence on you or your family.   As far as wondering if your mother hates you... .well, no she doesn't but she probably doesn't love you either- not in any sincere way.   What I mean is that she's a reactionary that seems to respond with an extreme all or nothing/black or white response to anything in the moment.  So in other words, you might get angry at one of your children for lying but that doesn't mean you don't love them and you wouldn't rage and call them a liar and other demoralizing names.   Try not to take it personally... .uggh... .that sounds stupid, I know, because she's your mother.  But, if she were a malfunctioning robot, you wouldn't perceive what she says or does as a personal assault and in reality, she has the 'emotions' of a robot that has been programmed to respond in extremes only.   So, think of her as a malfunctioning machine that is incapable of love or hate. Still, not the kind of person I would want to relate to.  Like your mother, my mother tends to buy people's affections but that sort of conditional 'love' has played a significant part in my mother's family for several generations and why I was never comfortable in my own family.  In families like that, everyone is objectified and a price put on their head. Everything anyone does has a value that is measured against what others do.  It's a game of ' tit for tat'.  It's a horrible way to live- having that big ' IOU' hanging around your neck.

Kiwi wrote about how she saw her mother in a different light one day and asked her husband if she had changed or was always like that.  I too had that same experience last fall when I visited my mother one day for the first time in a few years.  I sat there and I didn't feel connected to her at all on any level.  I didn't even like her personality, didn't have anything in common with her.  I was both stunned and elated at my reaction.  It was the first time in my life that I felt "normal"  around her and free.  She didn't even seem human to me because she appeared to be so manufactured and programmed. 

So, what do you do to protect your own sanity?  Well, for starters you may want to take a NC time-out without the mindset that it has to be forever.  Secondly, keep a daily journal.  That journal will function as your witness during those times when you might begin to feel soft toward your mother and doubt your memory and decisions.   If it were not for my journal, I think I would have completely lost my mind and any sense of reality.  Plus, the journal stores all the information for you so that you don't have to remember everything and carry all that emotional baggage around.

[bethanny]

Tilly1 -- thanks so much for your profound honesty.  Your breakthrough should be celebrated as a sign of your strength in surviving all the crazymaking! 

My NC with my mother happened without me knowing it. I thought I was exercising tough love and I could begin to relate adult to adult with my mother.

I stood up to her modestly and the most breathtaking fire-breathing response came back at me. At the same time, TO ALL OTHERS, there was an ocean of tears shed by inconsolable her as to why her daughter had turned on her so crazily and cruelly. 

If you go NC and even LC (which will be harder no doubt) you are going to have to cut your losses to a great degree with some people from the character assassination that she may do against you to anyone in your mutual worlds. 

It was breathtaking all the people my mother tried to manipulate to manipulate me.  I kept waiting for her to work it out with me in some conflict resolution process, which had never happened, but I always blamed myself for not trying and pushing for that. 

I could not understand why I had such terror of my mother growing up. I denied how the witch mommy existed and managed to show up or threaten when the tightrope or eggshells weren't walked. 

I discovered that my fear and my intuition about her zero tolerance was all the more rigid than I had thought.  She went into Medea mode as Lawson writes about, willing to destroy my relationships with siblings and relatives and whomever, until I returned to her Stepford daughter.  I couldn't.  My sanity was at stake. I knew if I didn't save myself by detaching I would have no self left.

I fastened my seat belt and needed to as a very sad and confusing but dedicated to the beginning of recovery decade went by.  Whenever I tried to communicate with her adult to adult she went NUTS -- a kind of paranoia and she punished and rejected.  I had no idea how ferocious the disorder was. And I knew that that witch was really out there since I wouldn't go back into my "cage". She would switch from sentimentality to annihilating anger (Lawson calls it) in a New York second!

With the super secrecy of our alcoholic family (my dad was the alcoholic) and my naivete that she would choose having a relationship with me over her willfulness -- addiction -- to CONTROL ME, TO VETO ANY DECISION AT WHIM (and she was often a benign dictator which made the morphing into witch mommy so distressing since benign mommy feigned such reasonableness, but witch mommy lurked close behind benign dictator mommy, just do what she wanted and no one gets hurt and convince yourself you are doing it out of love, respect and pity NOT FEAR was the mandate I guess I functioned under). Family members pressured me to just give in so they could get her off their backs wailing about me and my high treason.  I realized how blind they were to my plight with her, they were living far away from her and they not minding when my life was smothered with her neediness. Just give her what she wants was communicated in frustration and anger from some, or NO CONTACT from others that broke my heart.

I was so afraid of my mother growing up I was too afraid to acknowledge that incredible degree of terror to myself.  I would have passionately and automatically denied that reality if anyone had suggested it.  But I was very much aware that I never seemed to fully exhale when I was in her presence.  Indulging in too long an exhalation was letting that hypervigilance you speak of dangerously lapse!  It was a betrayal of her to take care of my own basic needs --  like taking the time to actually fully exhale.  Wow. 

I remember her shaking me at the age of 5 for worrying her so much when I came home late from school.  Instead of expressing gratitude when she ultimately saw me walk in she shook me until my teeth rattled, shrieking, ":)IDN'T YOU KNOW HOW I':) FEEL? DIDN'T YOU KNOW HOW I':) FEEL?" Then I was punished.  The kicker was NO ONE even bothered to ask me WHY I had been late and I had a darn good reason but the hysteria of my mother took up all the room. It didn't matter. There was no justice. Only my mother's NEEDS!

Clearly my main purpose for existing was knowing how she felt every second of every minute of every day.  I remember how enraged the rest of the family was with me for having my mother so upset she upset them so much with her upset.  That emotional blackmail and angry group-think she engineered then and continued to threaten with until it really showed itself when I chose to go NC. 

Cut your losses re the NC or LC.  It will hurt and disappoint you. But a worthy cost.  The uBPD has no conscience as far as you are concerned.  You are useful to her.  Or you are trashed and gone.  Negotiating with you, well, it was with me, was not conceivable to her. She protected herself and was willing to throw me under whatever buses were necessary to try to make herself look good and me look crazy and/or cruel.

Heavy sigh.

best, Bethanny

[Springtime]

Hi Tilly1,

I'm new to this board that yours is the first message I read.  It made me feel good.  That I'm not the only one who, in their 40's is figuring out that mom is a bd.  I went to a counselor in the fall because I was having trouble recovering from an incident with mom (that I wasn't even involved in, my brother was, but none the less, all the angst was there) .  The counselor indicated that she felt my mom was BPD-narcissistic combined.  It somehow rang true for me.  I've been reading alot, and it is still hard for me to categorically come out of denial.  But, I am getting there.  i too, have tremendous difficulty with the mothers day card thing.  I do ok.  I look for the most benign one I can find.  I used to try and find a wonderfully beautiful one and write all sorts of nice things about her ( I see of course this was just my attempt to make it work). about 15 years ago, I couldn't do it any more because it startedmaking me physically ill.   Any way, thanks for writing.  I'm just on the journey trying to get it together.

[Springtime]

Incidentally, I guess I have gone LC with my mom and dad.  Dad in the last five years has actually become a non-person and is just a parrot/shadow of my mom and her distorted thinking.  We moved out of state two years ago, and for the first time in my life, I do not have anxiety driving down the street wondering if I will run into her (she lived ten minutes from me).  I think that she on some level sees this as a relief too, I don't think she ever really wanted a relationship with us (my sibs and I), only a "paint by numbers" family in which she dictated where all the colors went.

[Leaving]

You are useful to her.  Or you are trashed and gone.

Amen Bethany!  That is the very raw TRUTH plain and simple.