BPD is not all

[Mel1968]

Hi

My uBPD?x has a chronic, life limiting condition, diagnosed 6 months ago and getting progressively worse. Understandably, she is completely terrified and feels alone with this. So of course, she interprets this as me not being there for her, and so rejects me, with the result that I actually am not there for her. So then she feels she can't rely on me... .and so it goes on.

Also, again completely understandably, she is terrified that as she becomes more disabled, I won't want to be with her, won't find her attractive, won't want my life limiting by her inability to do things. And so, she rejects me before I can reject her.

For my part, I honestly know that I am not in the least bothered about her illness, potential disability etc. Well, obviously I am bothered in that I'd rather she didn't have it, but it's part of her, so it's just the way it is.

But I do have some concerns that I'd appreciate your thoughts on:

One of the things that exacerbates her condition is stress. Because of all her delusions about me, and the fact that the majority of our interactions at the moment end up horrible, she is stressed a lot. She therefore blames me for making her ill. And in a way it is true - even if I'm not doing the things she accuses me of on a daily basis, the fact that she is stressed by those thoughts is making her more ill. So I veer between leaving her alone so I don't make things worse (but then she says I don't care) and knowing that it doesn't need to be like this so trying to convince her to let me be there for her( but then she rejects me - until she decides she can't bear to be away from me... .and so it goes on... .)

The second thing is that while it is true that I'm not bothered about her illness and the limitations it will inevitably put on my life if we stay togther, she already tries to control every single thing I do, and I'm terrified of her using that as a way of shutting down my world even more / me allowing my world to shut down even more. Kind of, "I can't do that so if you do it, you're evil"

Also, one of the aspects of it is that it has a generative effect on cognition and memory - as if that isn't a big enough problem already.

And also, what if we stay together now, and she becomes more ill and more disabled and then I feel that-bcause of the BPD, not her condition- I just cannot bear this relationship any more? How awful then.

But I can hardly bear to see her hurting so much, I love her and I want to be there for her, as I'm sure any loving partner of someone facing something so awful would.

And when I'm feeling like I'm detaching and have given up on the relationship because of her BPD behaviours, something jsut has to be said about this other and straight back into caretaker mode - but how can I not be when she is physically so ill?

[Surg_Bear]

I am SO sorry.

You are in a terrible bind, and I wish I could help you with some insight into the combination of what sounds like a chronic, incurable neuromuscular degenerative disease AND BPD.

I think that it is do-able, what you are facing, but this is NOT something you could possibly carry out on your own.  You must be open to the real NEED for help- especially when the disease starts to progress, and her physical mobility declines.  You need to be prepared for things that are unthinkable at the moment- helping her with positioning in and out of chairs / bed; cleaning up after bowel and bladder, feedings, things most people take for granted. If you are alone in it- it would be overwhelming and pure torture. Put on top of all of that, a loved one who might be raging at the time, painting you black, blaming, cursing, pushing and pulling. 

One saving grace is that for some, their BPD is somehow switched off when others are around.  If you have visiting nurses to come help, and the BPD simmers on the back burner, this is time for you to take a needed respite and take care of yourself- leave the house.  Go to a body of water and sit, sleep, exercise, read, pray / meditate, masturbate- anything and everything you can possibly think to do for yourself when you are free.  Plan and make use of every precious moment you have to yourself to help, love, and Caretake yourself.

Boundaries and clear expectations of what you can and are willing to provide for her need to be black and white- typed out on paper, and posted everywhere you take solace.

The only way to make it through this part of your journey together, is to make a firm commitment to yourself.  Can you love yourself enough to be all of this, and MORE for her?  I don't envy you, but the fact that you are here facing the possibility of staying in it for the duration- for the relationship and for her, is truly heroic.  I have my moments of doubt about my own relationship, but I need to believe that somehow, somewhere, there is a true reward / prize for all that we endure in our own private lives affected by BPD. 

If you decide to remain steadfast in this, PLEASE:  Ask for help. OFTEN. Come here for help.  Get help with the physical care taking of your SO.  Get help for yourself- therapy is not optional for someone in your situation. 

I see chronic degenerative diseases all the time in my work. I take care of patients who have had stroke, paralysis from MS, and so on.  The family members supporting their loved ones when acutely ill and under my care- at least the good ones- seem to have very defined boundaries, surround themselves with good people (family and friends) and are very grounded in themselves.  The family members who are not so good, seem to be enmeshed, dysregulated themselves, fearful of loss, excessively fearful of medical disaster, pathologically fixated on fear of / preventing medical mistake, and they all seem to suffer as much (or more) as the patients with the chronic disease. 

Like any life challenge, there are healthy and pathological ways to deal.  The healthy ways of dealing with adversity and challenge always seem to involve a huge amount of self soothing, self care and fostering the inner strength to face anything that comes along.

I wish I could help more, but I hope this post gives you some helpful things to consider when facing this huge hurdle life has thrown in front of you.

Feel free to PM me, if you think I can help you in anyway.

Good luck, Mel.

Surg_Bear 

[Mel1968]

Surg_Bear

Thank you so very much for your reply. I'm going to print it off, and commit it to heart.

I think one of the biggest problems in my life generally has been my inability to self-care, because I didn't appreciate the importance of it. I understand the importance of it now but am still not very good at it... .And I'm worried that I'm not yet strong enough to enforce the necessary boundaries... .Having said this, I'm definitely moving in the right direction!

Thank you for the offer to pm you, I think I probably will.

Surg_Bear, I appreciate so much your kindness in this. Thank you.

Mel