I feel let down by my counselor

[grandmag]

I have been reading posts and articles, but not posting for a bit. I became disturbed, confused, even alarmed by a visit to my counselor this week. I have been seeing her for over a year, the object being to help me "deal" with the stress of daughter in law's (denied) BPD.

She said the only thing to do is my own self-care and boundaries with d-in-law. I told her that I had found this forum, and ordered Stop Walking on Eggshells. She didn't seem excited by either.

The real kicker for me is she wanted me to talk with my son, tell him  of the abuses to the kids that I had witnessed, tell him of all the things my grandkids have told me about with their mother.I was more than appalled--talk about setting off an explosion and even further endangering the grandkids with her rage.I asked her WHY? She said then he would have more information. He lives with the BPD, he has more information than anyone. There must be a reason too why the kids tell me about things, but not their daddy... .I believe it is a fear of Mommy.

I actually have several close friends who know what has been going on, and for the first time I talked with them about the counselor, and told them what she has asked me to do. All of them were dead set against it.

I have had doubts about this counselor a couple of times, but this one really upset me. Now I don't know if I have been barking up the wrong tree for over a year, if I need to tell her how I feel about this, or look for somebody else.

[Turkish]

Does your counselor know much about BPD? My T, a PhD with 25 years of practice as a family couneslor admitted that I probably knew more about it then he did. However, he never gave me advice or insight that seemed "off." Trust your gut on this one.

If your DIL was investigated and there was no cause or evidence found, then that is what it is. You are right that your son lives with this and is witness to her behaviors. Input from you will likely fall on deaf ears until he mans up, but that needs to come from him, their father. Take whatever time you can get with your grandchildren, and validate their feelings as best you can on what they tell you. Except for sexual abuse. That should always be reported.

[understandnow]

I have replied on another one of your posts and feel we are in the same place with our son and Dil.  My gd has told me things that I have not told my son for fear of retaliation of my Dil towards my granddaughter.  I am with you on this one.  Unless there is out right physical abuse or sexual abuse trust the authorities.  You can place an anonymous call to child protective services if there is a concern.  Your son will eventually cling to his wife.  I try to keep the best relationship with my son as I can and that takes much self control.