gah
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61
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« on: June 07, 2015, 01:56:01 PM » |
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I have spent a lot of time reading through boards and I am very confused as to what is going on with my relationship.
I want this to work and wasn't sure if I posted this in staying or another board, but I want to stay in this relationship and improve our relationship even though I moved out, for now.
Bought a house with my BPD Bf the end of Feb - BPD showed up uninvited. After a couple of months of being completely devalued, blamed, lied to, raged at - he decided to use my boundaries as a playbook to stomp all over them. We were very close until we bought the house. After reading everything, I feel we may have been too close, he was triggered and he felt engulfed. He even admitted to doing things to punish me for perceived slights. After he stomped all over my boundaries and I confronted him about his lies, he had a serious rage. I moved out immediately. Not because I didn't love him or want to be with him, but to preserve my self-respect and honour my boundaries and after three months of being devalued, with a few glimpses of the sweet guy I bought the house with, I felt I had to escape. Nothing was changing, he was getting worse. Now I wonder if I did the right thing? I didn't want us to break-up and had thought that just living apart would help the situation and he would think me white again. My brain thought nothing is working, so doing the same thing over and over won't change anything... .
I was homeless for a couple of weeks and then found a place to live. The place is a stone's throw from our house. (In the town I live in there were 18 houses for rent at the time - some in sketchy areas and some out of my budget. i found one place that was perfect). Before I rented the house, I sent him the link and said this place is great, but it's almost across the street - how do you feel about that and he said take it. In all honesty, I was glad it was so close and had thoughts of us having dinner together, and being us again and creating two safe places would be better, for now. I also thought it would help with any abandonment issues he may have.
We have never stopped talking throughout this process. If I don't reach out to him, he reaches out to me. I will admit to feeling a lot of anxiety, needy and I'm the one that reaches out mostly.
We got closer again this week. Hugs even. He opened up a bit. He also told me about perceived slights from last year that I had done. He is looking for things to justify what happened. He told me he felt shame and guilt about what happened. The conversation is nice/angry that I left. Seems like he's trying to prove to himself that I am bad. I am trying to validate his emotions and apologizing for only my part in anything. I think he is very conflicted about if he wants me or not. He is definitely angry that I left him with a house he cannot sell in its current condition (it's a real fixer upper) and blames me outright. He also will not do anything with me if I ask - like going for a bike ride. He says he's not ready to see my place yet... .yet? He at no point has said he wants to be with me.
During the good conversation I said I was hoping that we could take things slow, date, hang out and see where things went and hoped that we could learn to trust each other again and eventually live in our dream home, as planned. This was a trigger (stupid me) and he says that my actions and words do not match. "Just when I start to relax, you swoop in and plan the next 50 years even though we know that changes on a dime. You've proven that." So after two days of what I deem close conversation he told me to move on and pushed me away. I know this is consistent with BPD. He is asking for space, asking to be left alone so he can do the thing I said he could never do (early on we had deep conversations and now he's using them against me) which is be alone. He says he just wants to work, work on the house, and workout - and prove to me he can be alone. So, I've now learned that I cannot ask him to do anything or discuss any plans for the future. One day at a time... . I am 85% sure he cares still wants me in his life but really this is not logical and I have my own abandonment issues so who really knows. Paraphrasing one of his texts I said, I'm not sure I understand... .you want to be alone and for me to move on? He said "don't you read"... .I re-read, called a friend and we agreed that, that was what it sounded like. I said so no relationship with me and he said "not now". I have come to realize that he is adamant of proving he can be alone. (one of my boundaries was not seeing a particular ex and he did and another was lying - he lied about seeing his exwife. I really don't think he was up to no good - except to punish me, drive me away).
I'm confused by the "yets" and "not nows"... .
Where I am also confused is what do I do? With a non, if someone asked me for space I would. I'm torn between showing him I haven't abandoned him and reaching out or leaving him alone. Do I write to him stating that I care for him, I will respect his need for being alone, but I am here when he's ready? Or does that sound needy? And go NC? My fear is that he'll just move on to someone else, idealize them and we cease to exist. I read somewhere on here about object constancy - out of sight, out of mind. If I go NC will he feel even more abandoned since he is struggling with me leaving? Do I simply just back off and wait for him to reach out? Do I just let him drive for awhile? On Friday, (today is sun) he told me to move on... .but when I was moving out he had left his journal in my suitcase for me to read and I messaged him stating that I read it and that it made me cry and that I had no idea he felt that way (last entry was when I was idealized). Then we chatted more, he talked about work, and then I said people asked where he was (I went to an activity he has come to a couple of times)... .he says he's never doing that activity again because of the way it started (he showed up with equipment two weeks after we met and I asked him not to... .just yet). So he's playing the punish me/victim card.
I'm thinking since he is still responding it's ok?
If I do stay in contact what advice do you have of what to do/say when he blames, blames, plays games... .? Keep validating his emotions? Anything I stay away from besides asking him to do stuff? Advice on another post said treat him like a wild animal you are trying to feed and just go slow, have patience... .
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