How Much of You Does Your Significant Other See?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I read a quote recently that really resonated with me:

"I will not set myself on fire to keep you warm."

I keep thinking about that... .how much of myself I've let go of, or kept hidden, around my husband. How much of myself I've thrown on a pyre, like so many logs. I know we are supposed to stay true to ourselves, and I don't engage in (that much) outright deception, but there is a LOT going on that I don't/can't let him see.  A lot of letting things go, not sharing my thoughts, etc.

What percentage of yourself do you really show to your significant other?

I think mine sees about 40-50 % of who I am.

[earthgirl]

I read a quote recently that really resonated with me:

"I will not set myself on fire to keep you warm."

I keep thinking about that... .how much of myself I've let go of, or kept hidden, around my husband. How much of myself I've thrown on a pyre, like so many logs. I know we are supposed to stay true to ourselves, and I don't engage in (that much) outright deception, but there is a LOT going on that I don't/can't let him see.  A lot of letting things go, not sharing my thoughts, etc.

What percentage of yourself do you really show to your significant other?

I think mine sees about 40-50 % of who I am.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hmcbart]

After the first few times my wife came with me to company functions she made the comment that I had multiple personalities. She said I don't talk and act the same way at home with her and she doesn't like the "me" she saw around my friends from work.

I mentioned this to my therapist a few months ago. He said it was because I act normal around the people from work. I hide my true feelings and watch every word I say around her. I never realized it until he said that but I am two completely different people.

I like the work me a lot better. Considering I work 6 days a week most weeks and have to be out of town 2-3 night each week, I'd say she sees about 25% of the real me... .if that much.

[bluejeans]

Great question. In a similar way, I have been thinking that I have been invisible to her. My SO doesn't appear to be aware of what I am about. I don't share too much, have learned not to, since it is either ignored or used against me. This is not always the case but often enough.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

After the first few times my wife came with me to company functions she made the comment that I had multiple personalities. She said I don't talk and act the same way at home with her and she doesn't like the "me" she saw around my friends from work.

I get the opposite response... .I'll see my 3 year old niece after not seeing her for months and my w's only response is "Why aren't you that happy to see me?"  Like every night after work I'm supposed to react as if I haven't seen her for months... .

[Hmcbart]

When the most recent dysregulation event started on April 6th, I was speaking to my wife's best friend about my wife's up coming birthday party. She was telling me how mad my wife was at me and that she feels I really don't know her anymore.

She told me in the past year that she didn't feel like she knows me anymore also. I think that it stems from my trying to become un-enmeshed. As I begin to seperate my identity from hers she is desperately trying to keep the two as one. I'm not sure if this is an extinction burst or not but it's a very difficult time for me to be sure.

She hasn't yet gone back to the honeymoon phase to try and keep my enmeshed and I'm not sure if she will. I fear that when my identity is free from hers she will look for someone else start over with. It's scary to me after 20 years with her. Part of me hopes she will return to the honeymoon phase even though I know it wouldn't be good for me.

[maxsterling]

When I started learning that being completely open with her could put myself or my possessions in danger, I've closed off about 75% of myself.  yes, she has noticed, and yes, this was brought up during last MC session.  It's a natural protective mechanism.

And yes, I hate having for be that way, but that's the way it needs to be.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I think that it stems from my trying to become un-enmeshed. As I begin to separate my identity from hers she is desperately trying to keep the two as one. I'm not sure if this is an extinction burst or not but it's a very difficult time for me to be sure.

I hadn't really thought of it like this... .I have noticed I'm becoming more selfish.  My wife insists on doing everything together, and I've quit trying to strike a balance.  If she's going to insist on accompanying me everywhere that doesn't place an obligation on me to do things that she wants... .

[jhkbuzz]

I read a quote recently that really resonated with me:

"I will not set myself on fire to keep you warm."

I keep thinking about that... .how much of myself I've let go of, or kept hidden, around my husband. How much of myself I've thrown on a pyre, like so many logs. I know we are supposed to stay true to ourselves, and I don't engage in (that much) outright deception, but there is a LOT going on that I don't/can't let him see.  A lot of letting things go, not sharing my thoughts, etc.

What percentage of yourself do you really show to your significant other?

I think mine sees about 40-50 % of who I am.

This reminds me of a quote that I once saw that really resonated with me:

"You should not have to rip yourself into pieces to keep others whole."

[Hmcbart]

When I started learning that being completely open with her could put myself or my possessions in danger, I've closed off about 75% of myself.  yes, she has noticed, and yes, this was brought up during last MC session.  It's a natural protective mechanism.

And yes, I hate having for be that way, but that's the way it needs to be.

That's one thing I learned a few years ago. I can't talk about my feelings with her because they either invalidate her feelings or trigger an abandonment fear. And like your wife, when I closed down, she noticed and that too triggered abandonment fears.

MC last year we learned to say "when you do xyz, it makes me feel abc. I would like you to do qrs." this was to help stimulate a discussion of out feelings. She got it down very well and used it a lot. The first time I tried she stopped me mid sentence and told me I was doing it wrong. That's the last time I tried using that phrase. Not sure what validates her anymore.

[Michelle27]

During the years I was deep in the FOG and desperate to make things better, I sort of lost myself to the "me" that I believed he wanted me to be.  when I started the process to "unmesh" myself by learning to take care of myself for the first time in my adult life before taking care of others' needs, I realize now I started to pull way back from allowing him to see the real me.  I didn't want him to take anything away from who I was becoming because I was learning to really like me.  At first, he barely noticed.  Kept making his demands in rages and I would comply but feel a lot of resentment.  Eventually, I started making my own boundaries and suddenly, he realized I wasn't the same person I used to be.  The desperation kicked in, and is still active.  I had to talk to him about letting me see that desperation because all it was doing was turning me off and away.  I explained that our time apart (we are 2 months into a therapeutic separation) needs to be about both of us taking care of ourselves, healing and separately seeking professional help.  He thinks he's losing me, but in reality, I am finding myself so I can be the best partner I can be once he works through some of his therapy and I work through my own stuff.  Maybe one day I can fully show him the real me, but I know right now he's not ready.

[Stalwart]

Good post earthgirl – deep quote.


What percentage – 150% of who I am she sees and every bit of my energy, path and way forward is to ensure she remains seeing it and feeling who I am as a constant both in her feelings and  in her thoughts.


Since we “started over” I’ve made it a point to be exactly who I am and slowly but surely to talk about that with her so she does absolutely understand who I am – the good the bad or the ugly. Fact is I liked who I was in the start except for having fallen so far down in the really bad times. It was being there at the bottom in despair and I can also say for a short time in fear that gave me the strength to stand up and say f-this and start over. It gave me the initiative and drive to say, “This isn’t who the heck I am and this not going to become me.


The fact is I like who I’ve become as a result of all the changes that I’ve made in myself and I want her to see and know that. I also recognize and acknowledge every little bit of positive change I see in her as a result of her therapy and working hard on herself.


When she asks me things about what I think about something I always relate now about emotions and not rationalization and she connects to it better.


Question if you don’t mind answering it: What’s the 60-50% of you that you feel he doesn’t see or you hide?


Great post though earthgirl.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

MC last year we learned to say "when you do xyz, it makes me feel abc. I would like you to do qrs." this was to help stimulate a discussion of out feelings. She got it down very well and used it a lot. The first time I tried she stopped me mid sentence and told me I was doing it wrong. That's the last time I tried using that phrase. Not sure what validates her anymore.

OK, maybe I'm doing something really wrong here... .

My wife will try and tell me "if you go out for a beer with my brother, I feel you'll abandon me for some hot waitress... .I would like for you to have him come and sit on the back porch". 

Granted, if she were self-aware enough to verbalize the statement above, that would be much better than our current communications... .and in isolation some might think, why not comply and make her happy... .but like many pwBPD it never ends there, once I agree to it that is the new 'norm' and anything else isn't tolerated.

Maybe I'm nit-picking, but I don't agree with "if you do X and it makes me feel Y".  When it's stated that way it seems to transfer the responsibility to the person who "makes" them feel that way... .

[Hmcbart]

This was something we learned in MC before I learned anything about PDs. So it may not have the same affect if one of the persons has any type of PD. especially in the case of BPD, it can be used as a way to place blame. I guess following it up with a confirmation that you understand that she feels this way and it's must be hard to feel like that when I go have a beer with my brother. I can't say if it works because I haven't voiced my feeling in a long time. I'm still learning and just beginning the idea of boundaries.

I understand that she is trying to tell you her fears and in all likelihood it may be a way to control you. If this is a boundary issue then it would need to be approached differently.

[Stalwart]

hey Isit:

Straying a little from the intent of the thread but:

"when you do xyz, it makes me feel abc. I would like you to do qrs." this was to help stimulate a discussion of out feelings. She got it down very well and used it a lot"

Sounds to me like she did get it down really well. Well enough to absolutely and clearly explain herself in the equation and her emotional state as a result of it – even present a reasonable solution to it. Problem being, “current communications” has to include a two-way interface with one real contingency that leads it through the process as it unfolds and that’s listening, comprehending and feeling the other person’s statements for what they are. A lot goes on behind the scene in processing functions of the machine that’s required to punch out a sum or variable on the screen.

“if you go out for a beer with my brother, I feel you'll abandon me for some hot waitress... .I would like for you to have him come and sit on the back porch".

Xyz’s, abc’s and qrs’s are all in place and really clearly communicated. Problem is maybe the abc’s aren’t communicated or being understood for the extremity they present in the situation to her.

It’s not that you’re maybe doing something so wrong, but are you doing something right in comparison to her reasoning and evident fears? “If you just want to get together with my brother for a few brews why not do it here?” she could have worded it that way but instead included the emotional response and fears she has if you “don’t want to just have a brewsky with bud”, but really want the atmosphere of the bar and risks that presents in her mind. Maybe that gives more clarity to her rationalization.

Regardless of how it’s worded ignoring her request or dismissing it as irrelevant or immaterial to your decision probably isn’t the best thing when you know that really deepseated fear is surfacing and she is already in a neurotic state just considering it. What will sitting in that fear and ‘self-story-telling’ be while you’re gone for hours havin’ a brewsky at the bar; as she steady worsens with her paranoia? Will that real and tangible emotional fear that is going to overwhelm her every sense and reasoning going to bring her to a psychotic state?

If you’ve listened and you do understand how she feels, will feel and why she feels that way from either incidents in your present or her past than hey you only to go back to question your own reasoning and equation of “it seems to transfer the responsibility to the person who "makes" them feel that way... .”

It does transfer it because it’s a known and really powerful trigger you’ve put  your finger on and pulled. It’s not like she’s trying to isolate you from drinking or getting together with her brother – she’s promoting it. She is trying to isolate you from knowingly making her “HAVE TO FEEL THAT WAY AND LIVE THROUGH IT” while you’re gone and the result of disrespecting or not understanding her emotionally terrible state when  she did present it really clearly and well.

Communicating has to be a give and take of both saying and listening, the latter being of the most significance and relating what their words imply in emotional needs or responses. ‘Gotta be give and take in the dance.”

It isn’t surrendering to compromise to a wish (especially knowing the trigger and the load the impact will have when it hits her in the head.”)

There really has to be a want to compromise when you start the dance so she can learn better trust and develop better skills. Right now she doesn’t have that trust.

To use your terms ‘in isolation some might think’ I’m defending her mental illness and perception while others may think she’s been prosecuted for it. In inner-relationships with someone with a mental illness that guides their reality (and the differences in our reality) there are no rights or wrongs to judge in the court of reasoning.

You’re both right in your own perceptions. It just comes down to really understanding those perceptions and doing what’s 'right' to bring a relationship forward in a good way.

[ColdEthyl]

Maybe I'm nit-picking, but I don't agree with "if you do X and it makes me feel Y".  When it's stated that way it seems to transfer the responsibility to the person who "makes" them feel that way... .

It's what pwBPD do... .they need to find something to point the finger at. They suck at communicating their feelings or what they want. So, yes, there will be issues with communication until us... .as nons... .learn how to effectively communicate with them in their language.

The key is not to get hung up on the delivery of the message, but rather what they are trying to say. If I am not sure of his message I will ask, "I want to make sure I understand are you saying X?" and he will explain a bit further. This by itself has reduced dysregulations.

@Earthgirl

My husband sees all of me. In the beginning, when I didn't know what was going on and I allowed myself to be bullied, to be treated poorly, I would say he saw 50% of me. I started being scared... .afraid of what I was going to say or do next that was wrong. That's a whole lot different now.

[Jessica84]

I became 2 completely different people. He saw less and less of the 'real me'. It didn't happen all at once. It was a slow dissolve. He didn't like me at 100% strength - then again, he didn't like me at 10% diluted either. I became more quiet, serious, timid, walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him, upsetting him anyway... .

Then I discovered BPD. I decided to just be me again, only 'new and improved' with a better understanding of BPD, validation and boundaries. Thanks to the tools, I can be much more open and honest and share with him now.

I'd say he sees most of me, but not all. Probably never will. Partly for my own self-protection, but also I think this idea that we have to share every single thought, feeling or experience with our SO (or anyone for that matter) is overrated. It's important to keep a little piece of ourselves that no one else sees. Some things are between ourselves and God.

[ArleighBurke]

Maybe I'm nit-picking, but I don't agree with "if you do X and it makes me feel Y".  When it's stated that way it seems to transfer the responsibility to the person who "makes" them feel that way... .

This took me a long time to grasp as well. For a long time I REFUSED to apologise for MAKING her feel something. I kept saying that how she felt was a combination of her values, thoughts, current mood AND what I said.

She hated that.

Only recently have I accepted that I DO make her feel X. And when I apologise I can say "sorry i made you feel x".  I still know that her feelings come from many different places, and I have perhaps 10% influence over them, but it is true that if I didn't say whatever I said, then she wouldn't feel whatever she feels. So I DID cause her to feel it.

I agree it's blame shifting on her part - but do you want to win the battle or the war?

[Surg_Bear]

Good post earthgirl – deep quote.


What percentage – 150% of who I am she sees and every bit of my energy, path and way forward is to ensure she remains seeing it and feeling who I am as a constant both in her feelings and  in her thoughts.


Great post though earthgirl.

I find your response intriguing- especially since I am of the mindset that everyone has an unconscious, and NONE of us has access to 100% of who we truly are.

If you don't mind me asking- does your wife know you post on here?

Does she know your user name and password for this forum?  How about your porn, does she see that in its entirety?  Does she know who you fantasize about when you masturbate?

I think posting to help people deal with real everyday struggles with BPD is noble, and honorable.  I am grateful to everyone who takes the time to post on here.  People come on here and bare their souls- maybe confess something they've never shared with anyone- not their spouses, or even their own therapists.  This is the kind of honesty that really helps each of us deal with the struggles of living with a loved one suffering a disorder that can turn a person's life upside down, sideways, and all around crazy.

Have you been able to reach this level of communication through reading here?  Individual therapy?  Couples therapy?

How is it that your SO can follow your lead without the push/pull of BPD?  Does she trust in your vision that much?

I'm not trying to be a jerk here.  I am here spending a lot of time reading about other people's experiences and trying to learn lessons from every one.  Hence, my extreme gratitude for every single person's efforts, that I sincerely noted above.  I have not gone back through historical posts, so I confess that I do not know any of your backstory and what you've processed here already.  I'm sorry for not being up to speed on your progress.

Just very struck by the level of honesty and openness that you seem to have in your relationship.  Is it as honest and open as you describe?

Thanks for reading-

Surg_Bear

[Stalwart]

Hey Surg a lot of questions so I’ll dig in the best I can here:

“I find your response intriguing- especially since I am of the mindset that everyone has an unconscious, and NONE of us has access to 100% of who we truly are.”

There’s the chicken or the egg scenario. Doe’s our subconscious work to mold our consciousness? Are the two actually separate function that serve different purposes or does the subconscious actually struggle to categorize our daily experiences into the places where they best suit our needs to perform on  a conscious level? Tough questions and the jury is still out on those answers.

“Does she know your user name and password for this forum?”

She does and has full access to all my electronic information. Fact is, I should have nothing in my mind that I should ‘have’ to hide from her. In return when we started over she gave me the same accesses to all her online interactions and programs. Good for the goose is good for the gander and it has be dealt with in a healthy equal balance of mutual respect. There were real problems from her use in the past so in an effort to ensure neither of us have anything to hide from each other. We can overcome the lack of trust issues that come with that psychologically, mentally and to eliminate paranoia, distrust and all the negative interactions we need to eliminate to build and ensure trust. You might want to look at that decision as having created an unspoken boundary due to past problems. But it’s a mutual boundary we both share equally, even though I had no past infractions. If establishing a boundary is required for a partner than that same boundary should be one you’re equally willing to expect and respect for yourself in return.

I’m careful to be respectful to her in my writing because she deserves that respect. As a result I don’t think she does come in here and if she does it’s never created a situation – but yes she can and I welcome it. You have to understan though I post from a different position in my realtionship that's moved forward than a lot of people here live.

“How about your porn, does she see that in its entirety?  :)oes she know who you fantasize about when you masturbate?”

Sorry, not making judgments on this but I don’t do porn. I hold on to my sexual fantasies though with relation to the context of my wife being in them, but hey will they ever come to fruition? – probably not – that’s why they’re called fantasies. Would she be offended if I were in porn? Probably, I think most women are, BPD or not. It’s an insult to them because you turn to someone else’s imaginary lives when the person who sits beside you on the couch wants it to be her you turn to with thought of sexual interactions and wants. I can see why woman are offended and disgusted  sometimes by porn and feel their reactions from a personal hurt very easily. Respecting those feelings  - I don't do porn.

“Have you been able to reach this level of communication through reading here?  Individual therapy?  Couples therapy?”

For me it was taking on a huge learning experience that started here learning the lessons and how I change myself to help change our lives together. You take that with huge research reading almost every mainstream publication on BPD and even going far enough to purchase and do some of the accompanying workshops and workbooks. I’ve read almost every scientific study to better understand BPD and how it relates to my wife. I also spend a lot of time online reading and in some places corresponding with others that have BPD to better understand their feelings.

I took therapy for a short time but didn’t find it overly useful in my trek forward – that was a really strange adventure that turned in being more about new awareness’s for my therapist than it did addressing my needs that were really extreme at the time.

My wife attends DBT therapy and that’s a real game changer as well. I don’t interfere with her therapy – that’s her job. Of course in a supportive way I will ask it went today and if she wants to talk about I listen with no judgment or opinions. That’s all her therapist job to handle. My job is to improve me.

I don’t feel couples therapy is good. You see her therapy deals on her and her past experiences and it needs to focus intensely on her so she can be honest and open to do that. Couples therapy doesn’t allow for that freedom and it also hones every conversation of her behavior directly into the present situation, judgment and poor interactions. That can only retard her ability to stay regulated and learn. It’s becomes a hostile push and pull for rights and wrongs and that’s not what she needs to heal and learn.

Even when I first approached my wife with the possibility of having a “problem” It was done with kids gloves, real calculated planning and (number one when I asked her to sit and talk about her past feelings and experiences) I made it really clear we were talking about her life from childhood up to meeting  me. It cannot be about the present problems or that will just spiral in defensiveness, resulting anger and nothing can be accomplished.

“How is it that your SO can follow your lead without the push/pull of BPD?  :)oes she trust in your vision that much?”

She does trust me now and my vision but I don’t generally focus on my vision to give her advice, I would rather help facilitate her talking about her feeling or issue and listen through it all, validating, empathizing where I can and  by ensuring I steer it in directions that she able to explore the full scope of a situation to consider. I let her create her visions and set her ideas of directions. Now that she can communicate better and I can listen better and understand what I’m listening to (and their meanings), with a little help her visions are becoming so much more clear and relevant to a good path forward. It’s not about interfering in the think (because it’s wrong – it’s not – it’s her thinking and that’s right for her to work with that) I don’t judge her throughout communications ever I support her when she tackles issues.

We talk about these things briefly together online her, but it took a lot of continuously focused work to gain my wife’s trust and for to finally come to a realization that she can trust me and is not afraid to let me into her heart or her mind. Not a simple or short task, but an accomplishable one.

“I'm not trying to be a jerk here.”   No concern on my part I didn’t feel that in your post so all good my friend.

“Just very struck by the level of honesty and openness that you seem to have in your relationship.  Is it as honest and open as you describe?”

Absolutely that open and honest my friend. Believe me four years ago it couldn’t have been more opposite. Because I talk so much about progress and hope here sometimes those things overshadow just how really dark and desperate our past was but there isn’t much of anything that anyone here has experienced that I haven’t lived out as well in a real place of hell.

It’s all about being adamant at succeeding in what I’ve chosen for myself and also what staying in the relationship means to her and how that affects her as well. It’s all about the learning and more over learning how to put that into place to better both your worlds. If you can raise the bar so she can see the way to walk under it with you – that will change your dynamics.

So much real tough work and thinking but really rewarding when you can stand back and see after all the work and ongoing just how much it’s changed your life and hers as a result.

A bit long but lots of question, but I hope this helped to answer those questions Surg. Feel free to talk Surg. I will never take the opinion that someone is trying to be a jerk because they’re looking for better ways forward. That’s why we’re here, to help and support each other with questions and idea.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

hey Isit:

Straying a little from the intent of the thread but:

"when you do xyz, it makes me feel abc. I would like you to do qrs." this was to help stimulate a discussion of out feelings. She got it down very well and used it a lot"

Sounds to me like she did get it down really well. Well enough to absolutely and clearly explain herself in the equation and her emotional state as a result of it – even present a reasonable solution to it. Problem being, “current communications” has to include a two-way interface with one real contingency that leads it through the process as it unfolds and that’s listening, comprehending and feeling the other person’s statements for what they are. A lot goes on behind the scene in processing functions of the machine that’s required to punch out a sum or variable on the screen.

I'm trying to avoid getting bogged down in the specifics of our r/s... .

For me it's not any individual incident/arguement... .but the overall pattern.  So any individual event may  result in someone looking from the outside and concluding "yes, she has a right to know that", or "yes, she could certainly accompany you to that event... .

But the pattern was summed uip this morning by my sister, when she remarked that my w doesn't allow me to do 'anything' without her. 

When she insists on being with me 100% of the time I'm not at work is when we get into the problems... .

[Cat Familiar]

Like so many others, I had to quit talking about my feelings because he took that as an attack, even if the topic had absolutely nothing to do with him. In a very narcissistic way, he believes that it's his "fault" if things don't go well in contexts that are completely unrelated to him--like animals getting sick or injured. Magical thinking--which is really weird because he's an attorney.

So if I have an issue, especially if it's about his behavior, there's no way I talk about it now, which is really unproductive in my opinion for us as a couple. I'm a lay the cards on the table kind of person and it's so emotionally constipating to not feel free to do that. I can talk to my friends openly, but not my spouse. His whole family is like that.   

[Jessica84]

Cat Familiar - I feel you on that. I can't exactly express every feeling I have either. Let's say I have a frustrating day at work. I can vent but not for long. By 2 minutes in, he's getting upset, uncomfortable, frustrated, angry... .if I make it to the 3-minute marker I'm accused of "raising his blood pressure" and how dare I upset him, or why won't I listen him? He gets mad because he can't "fix" it for me, even though I never asked him to "fix" anything.

This used to drive me crazy! I'm ALWAYS there for him... .why can't he be there for ME?

I changed my thinking. I don't look at him as selfish anymore, but as emotionally disordered with poor coping skills. It's not worth it to force him to listen to things he can't handle. So now when my "time is up" I stop and change directions:

"I'm sorry to lay this on you. Thanks for listening. Tell me about your day." Suddenly he's a happy camper again. After he's vented for as long as he needs to and he's feeling sufficiently validated, I'll take care of me -- call a friend, my mother or co-worker and vent away! I still need my validation from somewhere and I've come to accept I won't always get it from him. Not his fault, not mine either. BPD relationships don't seem to be a 50/50 2-way street... .but that doesn't mean I can't get my needs met elsewhere. If I had a bad day and need to talk, I'll find someone to listen! As long as we both get our needs met in healthy productive ways, I'm content with this.

[ColdEthyl]

Cat Familiar - I feel you on that. I can't exactly express every feeling I have either. Let's say I have a frustrating day at work. I can vent but not for long. By 2 minutes in, he's getting upset, uncomfortable, frustrated, angry... .if I make it to the 3-minute marker I'm accused of "raising his blood pressure" and how dare I upset him, or why won't I listen him? He gets mad because he can't "fix" it for me, even though I never asked him to "fix" anything.

This used to drive me crazy! I'm ALWAYS there for him... .why can't he be there for ME?

I changed my thinking. I don't look at him as selfish anymore, but as emotionally disordered with poor coping skills. It's not worth it to force him to listen to things he can't handle. So now when my "time is up" I stop and change directions:

"I'm sorry to lay this on you. Thanks for listening. Tell me about your day." Suddenly he's a happy camper again. After he's vented for as long as he needs to and he's feeling sufficiently validated, I'll take care of me -- call a friend, my mother or co-worker and vent away! I still need my validation from somewhere and I've come to accept I won't always get it from him. Not his fault, not mine either. BPD relationships don't seem to be a 50/50 2-way street... .but that doesn't mean I can't get my needs met elsewhere. If I had a bad day and need to talk, I'll find someone to listen! As long as we both get our needs met in healthy productive ways, I'm content with this.

Jessica! Good job! Cat, you might want to give that a try because it works with my H, too. If I recall correctly, our three spouses are very similar.

When I come home from work when I have had a bad day and really need to vent, I say to him "Babe, I really need to vent. blablablah" and I do keep it short, 2-3 minutes. After, I say "thank for listening to me, baby. I feel better. How was your day?"

So far it had worked. He just chatters on just fine, and I got to vent with him. Mine is the same way, Jessica. He thinks about trying to fix the problem and if he can't it makes him uncomfortable.

[mike sergent]

I tried doing things her way and became lost. I am in the process of rediscovering who I am and I like it. The more me I become the more she hates me.

[Hmcbart]

I tried doing things her way and became lost. I am in the process of rediscovering who I am and I like it. The more me I become the more she hates me.

I notice the same thing with my wife. I take back part of my life she desperately tries to hang on and it can get ugly.

[Haye]

Most of our worst 'BPD dances' are about me reacting and protecting my core by taking a small mental distance (involuntary) from him. Usually it starts with him dysregulating and/or acting out. He's not really that difficult, compared to a lot of other BPDs, but he can be harsh with words, switch from one alter to another or be weird and draining otherwise. So I get overwhelmed and a bit cold and move away mentally, perhaps I'm a bit scared, too. So initially i'm trying to make sure my balance isn't shaked too much. (I have a problem on protecting being me and connected to myself almost fiercely. I had a long road in getting to be me and peacefully connected to myself, i value it and need it very hard).

Me going a bit distant and cold makes him go off balance even worse. Fear of abandoment and perhaps sometimes also understanding/seeing the effect of his behaviour? Mostly what happens is that he becomes super nice and pleasent. Loving, affectionate, considerate, validating, supporting... .Guess what? It breaks my ice and distance in no time and we're back starting a new cycle. 

[Cat Familiar]

Cat Familiar - I feel you on that. I can't exactly express every feeling I have either. Let's say I have a frustrating day at work. I can vent but not for long. By 2 minutes in, he's getting upset, uncomfortable, frustrated, angry... .if I make it to the 3-minute marker I'm accused of "raising his blood pressure" and how dare I upset him, or why won't I listen him? He gets mad because he can't "fix" it for me, even though I never asked him to "fix" anything.

This used to drive me crazy! I'm ALWAYS there for him... .why can't he be there for ME?

I changed my thinking. I don't look at him as selfish anymore, but as emotionally disordered with poor coping skills. It's not worth it to force him to listen to things he can't handle. So now when my "time is up" I stop and change directions:

"I'm sorry to lay this on you. Thanks for listening. Tell me about your day." Suddenly he's a happy camper again. After he's vented for as long as he needs to and he's feeling sufficiently validated, I'll take care of me -- call a friend, my mother or co-worker and vent away! I still need my validation from somewhere and I've come to accept I won't always get it from him. Not his fault, not mine either. BPD relationships don't seem to be a 50/50 2-way street... .but that doesn't mean I can't get my needs met elsewhere. If I had a bad day and need to talk, I'll find someone to listen! As long as we both get our needs met in healthy productive ways, I'm content with this.

Jessica! Good job! Cat, you might want to give that a try because it works with my H, too. If I recall correctly, our three spouses are very similar.

When I come home from work when I have had a bad day and really need to vent, I say to him "Babe, I really need to vent. blablablah" and I do keep it short, 2-3 minutes. After, I say "thank for listening to me, baby. I feel better. How was your day?"

So far it had worked. He just chatters on just fine, and I got to vent with him. Mine is the same way, Jessica. He thinks about trying to fix the problem and if he can't it makes him uncomfortable.

Jessica and Ethyl,

I like the idea of giving him an overview that I'm going to vent about something for a couple of minutes. Next time I have something to vent about (that doesn't relate to him), I'll give that a try. Thanks! 

[unicorn2014]

I read a quote recently that really resonated with me:

"I will not set myself on fire to keep you warm."

I keep thinking about that... .how much of myself I've let go of, or kept hidden, around my husband. How much of myself I've thrown on a pyre, like so many logs. I know we are supposed to stay true to ourselves, and I don't engage in (that much) outright deception, but there is a LOT going on that I don't/can't let him see.  A lot of letting things go, not sharing my thoughts, etc.

What percentage of yourself do you really show to your significant other?

I think mine sees about 40-50 % of who I am.

I think its wise not to show all of yourself to your SO because he could use it again you in a fit of dysregulation. I don't think that's being deceptive, I think that's being self protective, and in a relationship with a person with BPD that's being wise.

[Cat Familiar]

I think its wise not to show all of yourself to your SO because he could use it again you in a fit of dysregulation. I don't think that's being deceptive, I think that's being self protective, and in a relationship with a person with BPD that's being wise.

It's like a poker game sometimes and fortunately I have a good poker face. Even so, pwBPD are known to project whatever they might feel upon us and passionately believe it, regardless of what we say. That is one of the most irritating things about this disorder to me--to be accused of thinking and feeling ways that are very different from how I truly think and feel--and that the pwBPD is so dead certain that they're right, regardless of what one says.

In such an incredible twist of irony, the pwBPD is willing to trust absolute strangers, yet as Notwendy has mentioned, they impute bad intent upon those who love them the most. 

[SurfNTurf]

I agree with "I changed my thinking. I don't look at him as selfish anymore, but as emotionally disordered with poor coping skills. It's not worth it to force him to listen to things he can't handle. "

I don't let my husb see the real me. He gets the redacted me. There is no point; he has proven time and again that what I say in confidence or from vulnerability will be filed away in his brain and used against me later, in some way.

I like the work me; I plan to work longer than I would have, just b/c I enjoy being me.