I don't want to tell

[Crumbling]

Something just happened that has just shook the ground beneath me!  I went from jobless three months ago, to working front desk clerk for a motel with chalets, to being interviewed for a very high paying, full time, secure job AND being offered shares in the place I'm working.  I'm agog.  There is no other word for it.   Absolutely jaw dropping, stunned. 

What does this have to do with my BPDh?  Well, I don't want to tell him.  He knows about the interview.  I would need to either work away from home or we would need to relocate for that one.  He is not really comprehending what the job would mean if I am offered it, I don't think... .but I never know.  He is a low functioning BPD.

I feel like I need to hide this counter offer I've been given.  Like he really doesn't need to know just how well I am doing right now.  He feels alone, and ashamed.  He feels very down on himself because I have been doing good, and he is still home unemployed.  My new job, as of a month ago, has given me a place to stay away from home and apart from my BPDh.  Sometimes I think it's good for us, and other times, I see his pain and anguish over me not being there and him having to fend for himself all week, and all the doubts and regrets he carries... .these times, I wonder if all this is really going to result in something 'better' for us.

Am I wrong not to tell him?  Nothing has been offered in writing.  I have simply shown my interest in making this place a success, and proven my worth, and one of the two owners has responded, and I know he would not have made the offer without discussing it with the other one.  It all feels very surreal to me.  Six months ago I felt like a worthless piece of trash.  We were getting food from the food bank and barely escaping bankruptcy.  It's true!  Read my old posts!

There is just something inside of me that really wants to just keep this as mine.  Like if he knows, he will taint it somehow.    Like all his negativity is just going to spew out onto my world or something.

When I told him that I got the interview for the really good job, he told me that my present employers would likely start looking for someone else!  That they may fire me. But they didn't!  They are going to offer me shares!  It came out of his mouth! And more than once!  It hurts to have such a lack of support from home, and he doesn't see it AT ALL!

I don't know.  It's tough.  I need to keep setting boundaries, reminding him of my commitment to him, reassuring him that I am devoted to him... .which is a tough challenge to face, really tough.  But I'm staying focused on my values and not forgetting to invest in our relationship. 

But am I being deceitful by not telling him of this new offer?  I just cant bring myself to mention it... .It's like a precious toy and I dont want to 'share'!  hehehe, i made a punny!

blessings all,

c.

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[vortex of confusion]

If the offer isn't in writing and isn't a sure thing, then I don't see much reason to tell him.

Right now, it is all purely hypothetical. Trying to discuss possibilities with my husband can sometimes be way too much trouble. It is better to hold off until it is more than just a possibility.

If you get a firm offer and have to make a decision that would involve relocation, then telling him would make sense. Until then, enjoy relishing in how good it feels!

Good luck! I hope everything works out the way you want.   

[Grey Kitty]

Congratulations!

Honestly, your job and your career are your choices, not his, and not even joint choices.

No, you don't have to tell him.

Especially when you are still thinking about it.

And doubly so because he has proven himself to not be supportive of your career!

Do think about what you want to do. Make your decision. Even think about how much you are willing to change your decision based on what he says.

Then worry about what to tell him. And look here for advice on how.

[Notwendy]

I don't think I would say something either. Eventually he will need to know since you are married. I would be upset if my H changed jobs and I didn't know.

It seems that when I am happy about something that is not about my H, he sees it as " well she isn't that happy about me" even if it has nothing to do with him. If I share my happiness or excitement about something, his initial reaction to that is frequently negative.

Since your H is not happy with his own job situation, I think what you are saying is that your success can be twisted by his thinking into " I am a failure" So your happiness will seem linked to his unhappiness.

I have to step back and say that I have no control over anyone else's thinking or feeling. You getting a job does not cause your H to be unhappy. He is that way anyway. Your success doesn't have anything to do with his job situation. My being happy about something doesn't have anything to do with my H.

However, I can enjoy my happiness. I don't like to share happiness with a sourpus. He doesn't get to rain on my parade. So yes. I would enjoy this happiness and keep it to myself for a while, before I had to deal with any negativity.

Congrats by the way!

[Crumbling]

 

Thanks! You're cheers feel nice to hear.  I feel like I need to have good support around me, and stay focused.  And get good sleep... .zzzz. 


Blessing all,

c.