Thank you

[Walt]

This is my first post, possibly last- I’m coming here less and less.

But for any of you mired in the emotional hell-pit, absolutely shocked at how somebody can love you “soo much”, and then POOF- be either gone, or, in touch, and projecting their behavior onto you, I have some words of encouragement.

My story is about the same as every other on these boards, and as is often said here, “It’s like we were all with the same person.” Mine was high-functioning, and one thing I’ve learned is that there’s a broad spectrum of severity, manifestations, comorbidity, and different M.O.’s- waif, etc. We were “friends” for many years, and I always thought she too much of a loose cannon to get close to. But, eventually I did, and what I perceived as “progress” on her part, was actually her mirroring my integrity. About three years of intimacy. Splitting/black and white thinking, push/pull, abandonment/engulfment, object permanence issues, impulse control problems, icy silence and withdrawl, dissociation/dysregulation, idealize-devalue-discard, projection, feelings=facts circular logic, and revisionist history. Recycles, stalking, smear campaigns. Infidelity, broken promises, heartfelt apologies, ruthless betrayals. I’m sure you all understand. I figured out what was happening in isolation, bit by bit. Then found this site- I was absolutely shocked, and validated; BPD, and related vocabulary for the abandonment/enguflment cycles that blew my heart out of my chest and set my brain on fire.

I read every post- I mean that- EVERY post, on every page, on L1-3. Every article. I have not had a thought, question, or tried to work through an issue that I did not see posted and discussed here, somewhere. Did she really love me? Is she even capable of it? 100% an illusion? Intent? The reasons people got involved, and stayed involved, and tracking old posts over time, what peoples’ therapists told them, and what seemed to work…and places where people seemed to get stuck. Maybe I “wallowed”, but, reading the same things- different people, different time frames, over and over really drove the point home, and helped me accept what I simply could not believe. There is an amazing body of information here- and primary sources, people like you- working through this, at various stages. So helpful.

I went NC about 4 months ago- and what I’d read here and elsewhere- discovering my role and unpacking that, and my foo issues, that it would be “better” eventually, and to hang in there- dealing with ruminations, I understood it all intellectually, but slowly, the consensus here turned out to be a very accurate roadmap. I’ve never been more miserable or debilitated in my life.

The psychological effects of intermittent reinforcement, cognitive dissonance. The emotional devastation. The neurochemistry- an addiction. And, it’s confusing. And to understand BPD a little, you have to think upside down in Cantonese. I thought it would take years to stabilize. But I’ll share in brief what worked for me, and relatively quickly, even though it will take time, and I’ll probably keep bouncing through the Kubler Ross stages periodically.

NC was, after a junkie-like period of near obsession, relief. No new pain. Space for processing. For me, feeling my emotions was a way to release them, and I considered every minute of agony a means of “expelling” my feelings; productive. After a couple months of that, I tried to shift focus onto ME, and stop thinking about it so much- very difficult, and waves of pain and good and bad days. But finding a balance- processing, but still pressing forward, tricky, but compartmentalizing or staying stuck didn’t seem to work for anybody here, so I tried a balance. I don’t have a T, and never have, but was able to figure out my FOO issues, and how they created 50% of this loaded relationship, and how that white hot geyser of pain was an old wound that she had, while without intent, jammed her fist into. To me, understanding my role was key to letting go. Through an objective reality lens- who said and did what, I got run over by a bus, and have the moral high ground, and was honest, and empathetic and my feelings were real. For any of you- the pain you might feel at not having similar behavior reciprocated, or even acknowledged, or maybe you were attacked/discarded for it (projection) keep in mind that YOU know who you are and what you did. If you can make it through a BPD relationship without losing it, or retaliating spectacularly, or being consumed by rage- you are a moral Spartacus, respect yourself for that. Lots of people here seemed to have damaged self-esteem, I hurt, and the invalidation hurts, but the way I behaved, my actions and empathy- I feel good about that, and have my self-respect. Hang onto yours too, most people around you won’t understand what you’re going through, but if you can do that- for me anyway- it helped me “pour back into myself”. Don’t let anybody else decide who you are.

I went through the last of 4 recycles with my eyes wide open and aware, and saw everything, as the cycle unfolded. Painful, but very helpful for the self-closure I’m trying to get. If it were a court case, who-said-and-did-what facts are clear, and I was in the “right”. But, it’s not a court case. It’s life on planet earth and a relationship between two humans. And another way of looking at it is she had FOO and other reasons for her behavior, which weren’t her “fault”, nor was what looked like feeling like she was in boiling water if we got too close, or too far. After introspecting, I realized that by tolerating things I did, I had my own issues, and the dual nature of what I received; I love you/I hate you, was a horrific embodiment of the behavior of both my parents simultaneously, and, just like her, I was repeating an ancient trauma…probably in some subconscious effort to “fix” it…and had probably internalized a “love is pain” message, JUST LIKE HER.

For me, understanding my role, which is a work in progress, helped me grow, tweak some of my unhealthy “ideals”, release some old pain, and detach (STILL struggling, but getting there) in an empathetic way. I have some anger of course, but that’s a form of attachment- and any kindness I’m cultivating as I detach is ultimately about ME, and something that gives me peace, and makes me feel good about myself. Not something I’m “giving to her.”

When I read “it’ll be better with time”, etc. here- it seemed like empty words, but was still encouraging. So, I’d like to say that yes, It *will* be better. Even the relief from the intense pain will seem reeeaaaaal nice. That first day when you can smell the air, and see in color again for a few hours. It happens bit by bit, and I’m still wobbly, but it’s a virtuous cycle, and accelerates. Grieve your loss. Freak out. Spin your tires intellectually- but when the FOG abates, there will be some clarity and some relief. Do the work on yourself and your life, and you’ll see where the pain is coming from- it’s not the pwBPD anymore, and you can change things.

It does get better, and instead of fighting to resist something you want, need- but know is bad for you, you’ll be fighting to work on yourself, and will wonder what the hell you were thinking, and with some work, will “want” things that are good for you instead. The pain is intense, and my heart goes out to whoever is dealing with it, but when you’re ready and you decide, get out and stay out. Your future is bright, by default- because after what you’ve been through, a NORMAL day will be euphoria. Eat well, try to get sleep. I went “boot camp” and working out helped my withdrawal symptoms (brain chemistry and self-confidence I suppose), and after a period of isolation, getting out of the house and moving around really helped. So, we’re all in the same boat; THAT sure sucked, eh? I suppose it’s different for all of us, but even if you do everything “wrong”, with time you’ll feel better. Period. Beyond relief, if you do a few things “right”, you’ll be happier and stronger than you’ve ever been, will have learned what you needed to learn about yourself, red flags, healthy relationships, and all that. It took me about three months of moping to finally get on “offense”.


So, sorry for the wall of text. I hope it’s helpful or encouraging for somebody. What’s worked for me was to learn all I could, about me, my counterparty, and the dynamics of the relationship and there is a ton here- especially the lessons and workshops; boundaries- who knew? The posts and info here helped me get  out of victim/helpless mode, follow my brain and executive cognitive function out of the ditch, and get back on offense as quickly as possible. Thank you. All the posts here- people in various stages, like a line of ants. Each stage en route to the destination is worth it, and for me things started improving after the first couple months of NC- the red zone. Keep moving forward, it will be better, and good luck to all of you.

[Mutt]

Hi Walt,



Wow you read every article and read everyone's post on L1 and L3. Thanks for joining after having lurked for some time. It sounds like you're a smart person and you figured it out. I am sorry you had to go through this. I'm sure your experience will help others.

[Mike-X]

Walt,

You have just made a significant contribution to the amazing body of information! Thank you.

Mike-X

[jhkbuzz]

I realized that by tolerating things I did, I had my own issues, and the dual nature of what I received; I love you/I hate you, was a horrific embodiment of the behavior of both my parents simultaneously, and, just like her, I was repeating an ancient trauma…probably in some subconscious effort to “fix” it…and had probably internalized a “love is pain” message, JUST LIKE HER.

Your post is insightful, articulate and empowering.  I have been on a similar journey, and am understanding that ^ more and more with each passing day.

Through an objective reality lens- who said and did what, I got run over by a bus, and have the moral high ground, and was honest, and empathetic and my feelings were real. For any of you- the pain you might feel at not having similar behavior reciprocated, or even acknowledged, or maybe you were attacked/discarded for it (projection) keep in mind that YOU know who you are and what you did. If you can make it through a BPD relationship without losing it, or retaliating spectacularly, or being consumed by rage- you are a moral Spartacus, respect yourself for that. Lots of people here seemed to have damaged self-esteem, I hurt, and the invalidation hurts, but the way I behaved, my actions and empathy- I feel good about that, and have my self-respect. Hang onto yours too, most people around you won’t understand what you’re going through, but if you can do that- for me anyway- it helped me “pour back into myself”. Don’t let anybody else decide who you are.

And that ^ was all I had to hang onto sometimes, but hang on I did - and I am very grateful that I can look back at my behavior without regret or shame. I actually (repeatedly) held onto the thought, "I refuse to allow the decisions she made to turn me into a person I don't want to be."

Self respect is key.     Thank you for sharing!

[LimboFL]

I concur Mike-X. An excellently written post on the journey we go through and that some are still on.

I am 5 months out and n/c. I repeatedly walk away from this site, because sometimes it actually brings the hurt back up but despite being 90% out of it, in my head, there are still waves of melancholy that come out of nowhere.

I guess the heart has to get the upper hand over the brain, from time to time. It's quite frustrating, because the rest of the time, I am moving forward comfortably.

On the far less frequent, with the passage of time, occasions when I remember a tender moment and start to miss her, I come back to BPD Family and read posts like yours, that feed the soul and remind me of everything I went through and why it had to end.

Thank you, Walt.  

[WhereToBegin]

Thank you for your post.  It was a real wake-up call for me.  

I have been on a crazy roller coaster with my ex for nearly 5 years.  I just found some posts I wrote on here back in June 2011, and then again in September 2013.  The similarity between what I said then, and what I am going through ... .again ... .years later, is nothing short of eerie.  It is the same exact thing - he is saying the same things, nearly verbatim, and I am having the same reactions and emotional response.  Back in 2011, when I first realized what was going on, I wrote:  "Is what happened a couple weeks ago going to happen again in another year, or a month or a week?"  I knew, I knew in my gut (4 years ago!) and I ignored it.  It has happened numerous times in the last 4 years.  I just feel angry with myself for not being able to move on ... .again, I wrote the same thing on May 13, 2011:  "I am angry at myself for wanting him in my life."  

I wish I would have started the real, true break-up process back in 2011, instead of spending 4 years of my life trying to make a relationship work that is clearly doomed.  

Again, thank you for sharing.  It is nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  But I just need to stay the course and keep moving towards the light.  Problem is, I keep backtracking to the darkness over and over.  

[Tomzxz]

"Revisionist history", I almost forgot about that one.

Wonderful contribution Walt - inspirational.

[Walt]

Mutt- yeah, at first I was devouring the information. But after a while it was the same stuff, over and over. Reading it anyway helped me deprogram, and got me out of magical thinking mode by force of repetition. And was probably a means of staying “attached” somehow, to the only part of the relationship that was left; the post mortem.

Mike, I think all I’ve done is regurgitate what I’ve absorbed and learned here- I don’t think there’s anything in my post that I haven’t seen somebody else say, thanks for your nice words, I’ll take credit for “compiling.”

Jhkbuzz, our role is tough to swallow, and see sometimes, isn’t it? For me that part is complicated- I let things happen and participated, and take accountability for my decisions, and well-being. That said, I *did* get screwed over, but my only option, as a practical matter, is to work on myself. And yes, self-respect- critically important.

Limbo FL, I get those waves too, and also have mixed feelings about coming here- replaying the movie pointlessly vs. reminding myself that I did the best thing for myself. I put together a whole kit- a log of my feelings, posts from here- it works pretty well to stop any 20/800 hindsight.

Where To Begin, for me, I needed trust and loyalty, and realized that expecting that from somebody whose reality is constantly shifting just wasn’t realistic. I tried and hoped anyway, as hard as I could- same stuff kept happening. And even if I were the Codependent/Rescuer Heavyweight Champion of the World, and flushed myself and my needs down the toilet…that wouldn’t have worked either, and would have been a bad thing for HER, too. Damaging myself, triggering and enabling her; a trauma bond. Accepting that was the hardest part for me, because it meant that seen through any lens, my interests, hers, ours- it had to stop. And if I didn’t act, the loop would have continued forever- because I was only “adult”. Easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I do understand how easy it is to keep trying, and how it can seem like the right thing.

Tom ZXZ- the revisionist history part was a real eye-opener- facts or what happened didn’t matter, that was one of the first things that made me see that that something was very, very wrong. At first I thought it was an intentional manipulation. Learning that dissociative states erased chunks of time, and that it was a feelings=facts primitive cope/protection mechanism…somehow the fact that she believed what she was saying when she was saying it- that was even *more* terrifying than an intentional manipulation.

[disillusionedandsore]

Welcome Walt and thank you for your post.

I got loads from it.


"for me, I needed trust and loyalty, and realized that expecting that from somebody whose reality is constantly shifting just wasn’t realistic"

Yes,  yes and yes! and very painful to accept.  You have articulated  this in a very succinct way for me,  thank you.

"I tried and hoped anyway, as hard as I could- it had to stop. And if I didn’t act, the loop would have continued forever- because I was only “adult”"

Ditto.  Frightening once I realised the truth of this,  what was his modus operandi,  it would keep going... .I had to change.

"The revisionist history part was a real eye-opener- facts or what happened didn’t matter, that was one of the first things that made me see that that something was very, very wrong. At first I thought it was an intentional manipulation. Learning that dissociative states erased chunks of time, and that it was a feelings=facts primitive cope/protection mechanism…somehow the fact that she believed what she was saying when she was saying it- that was even *more* terrifying than an intentional manipulation."


Again oh God yes so true and utterly  horrifying.  This is where it all got Twilight Zone for me and I had to come to terms with the pathological nature of that,  gone forever was my view of him as rational,  quirky,  funny,  endearing and innocent. [/quote]