trying to get a new job is like dating

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've really had my life turned upside down since my divorce and i'm really trying to get on track.  I know alot of us talk about dating and attracting the same type of person or sort of matching up with the same type of person but i have also had this pattern in my career. I have been in situations where things could have gone well but the right hand person to the head person felt threatened by me and sabotaged my success.   Now, i realize and do take responsibility for how I reacted to some of these people but I get triggered so easily when i run into passive aggressive people.  For example, i just had a job interview for a sales job that would have really turned things around for me.  It was for medical sales and the company and hiring sales vp said he didn't need anyone to have any medical sales experience.  However, he took me through two interviews and then at the last one told me that "the job is yours to lose".   I thought it interesting that he would focus on the "losing" aspect of things.   

He asked me to send him a business plan and told me that it was between me and another candidate.  He said that i was his frontrunner.  He wanted the proposal by Sunday.  I got it to him by Friday morning (proactive).  I also gave them references on friday even though they hadn't offered me the position- again being proactive.  On friday, the recruiter called me and told me that he couldn't use my references.   It triggered me because it seemed so strange that he would say that.  He told me that he could possible use one but needed two others of hiring managers from two previous companies that i worked for.   I told him i didn't have their phone numbers but i would look into it after work and see what i could do.  I was able to track down two people i hadn't spoken to from company 1 in 6 years.  They said they would be happy to give me a reference.  One is an executive Vp of a company.  The other was an owner of my former company.  The hiring manager for the new opportunity sent me back an email applauding me for my presentation but said, "the competition is getting fierce in this process so anything you can do to add to your case would be helpful."  He was referring to a "brag book".  The recruiter told me he wanted one.  So I answered back that while my trophies were packed away etc and i don't have them available, I don't put my emphasis on my past performance because I tend to look at or ask, "what do we/I have to do now to get to where we want to go."   

Apparently, he took this as an insult and told the recruiter to call me today and turn me down for the position.  Not only did he turn me away, the recruiter made the mistake of telling me that they were going to have to start over again.  He seemed frustrated.  I find it interesting that the hiring manager was playing me against the other person and then he didn't get hired either.  So the competition wasn't really that stiff after all  

I even went so far as to send an email back today asking that if there was any miscommunication lets work it out.

He flat out told me that he was looking for a "brag book" and to not have one or to minimize having one is a missing ingredient to getting hired.  I felt like replying (but i didn't) - why don't you just put that in your ad then.

So here is what i find interesting:

1. he wasted so much of his time and the candidates time if he was only looking for the "magic brag book".

2.  he was incongruent- saying he didn't want to hire sales reps with medical sales background but then expecting us to have the types of experience they have.

3.  I spoke with three of his reps and none of them were hired with "brag books". they just came over from a competing company.

4.  He asked me for a ride to the airport on Thurs and i would not do it because I felt it was a boundary issue.  I wonder if he was upset that i turned him down for this. 

5.  When i went back to the internet job board i noticed they reposted the job on Friday before i was even turned down for the position.

Why do I share all of this?  because i keep running into characters like this in my interviewing process. People who are very controlling, and almost exhibit behavior that i recognize from my exuBPDw.     I'm starting to feel like i have bad luck or i'm cursed or something     I know it's not true but I feel very frustrated right now and my energy is down because it's so hard to get back to where i was financially before the divorce. 

Just needed to jump on here and vent because i don't know who else to talk to about these frustrations.  Or maybe i should say, i don't want to burden my friends with all my sad stories.

[truthbeknown]

I've really had my life turned upside down since my divorce and i'm really trying to get on track.  I know alot of us talk about dating and attracting the same type of person or sort of matching up with the same type of person but i have also had this pattern in my career. I have been in situations where things could have gone well but the right hand person to the head person felt threatened by me and sabotaged my success.   Now, i realize and do take responsibility for how I reacted to some of these people but I get triggered so easily when i run into passive aggressive people.  For example, i just had a job interview for a sales job that would have really turned things around for me.  It was for medical sales and the company and hiring sales vp said he didn't need anyone to have any medical sales experience.  However, he took me through two interviews and then at the last one told me that "the job is yours to lose".   I thought it interesting that he would focus on the "losing" aspect of things.   

He asked me to send him a business plan and told me that it was between me and another candidate.  He said that i was his frontrunner.  He wanted the proposal by Sunday.  I got it to him by Friday morning (proactive).  I also gave them references on friday even though they hadn't offered me the position- again being proactive.  On friday, the recruiter called me and told me that he couldn't use my references.   It triggered me because it seemed so strange that he would say that.  He told me that he could possible use one but needed two others of hiring managers from two previous companies that i worked for.   I told him i didn't have their phone numbers but i would look into it after work and see what i could do.  I was able to track down two people i hadn't spoken to from company 1 in 6 years.  They said they would be happy to give me a reference.  One is an executive Vp of a company.  The other was an owner of my former company.  The hiring manager for the new opportunity sent me back an email applauding me for my presentation but said, "the competition is getting fierce in this process so anything you can do to add to your case would be helpful."  He was referring to a "brag book".  The recruiter told me he wanted one.  So I answered back that while my trophies were packed away etc and i don't have them available, I don't put my emphasis on my past performance because I tend to look at or ask, "what do we/I have to do now to get to where we want to go."   

Apparently, he took this as an insult and told the recruiter to call me today and turn me down for the position.  Not only did he turn me away, the recruiter made the mistake of telling me that they were going to have to start over again.  He seemed frustrated.  I find it interesting that the hiring manager was playing me against the other person and then he didn't get hired either.  So the competition wasn't really that stiff after all  

I even went so far as to send an email back today asking that if there was any miscommunication lets work it out.

He flat out told me that he was looking for a "brag book" and to not have one or to minimize having one is a missing ingredient to getting hired.  I felt like replying (but i didn't) - why don't you just put that in your ad then.

So here is what i find interesting:

1. he wasted so much of his time and the candidates time if he was only looking for the "magic brag book".

2.  he was incongruent- saying he didn't want to hire sales reps with medical sales background but then expecting us to have the types of experience they have.

3.  I spoke with three of his reps and none of them were hired with "brag books". they just came over from a competing company.

4.  He asked me for a ride to the airport on Thurs and i would not do it because I felt it was a boundary issue.  I wonder if he was upset that i turned him down for this. 

5.  When i went back to the internet job board i noticed they reposted the job on Friday before i was even turned down for the position.

Why do I share all of this?  because i keep running into characters like this in my interviewing process. People who are very controlling, and almost exhibit behavior that i recognize from my exuBPDw.     I'm starting to feel like i have bad luck or i'm cursed or something     I know it's not true but I feel very frustrated right now and my energy is down because it's so hard to get back to where i was financially before the divorce. 

Just needed to jump on here and vent because i don't know who else to talk to about these frustrations.  Or maybe i should say, i don't want to burden my friends with all my sad stories.

[eeks]

I'm speculating here, but it sounds like there is something going on in the company that's doing the hiring.  Whether it's that they're not happy with their current employees, have some organizational problem that nobody's been able to come up with an effective solution for, whatever.  It sounds to me like they are looking for some sort of saviour, to come in and fix all their problems, and oh for that to happen we need a really stellar candidate, someone who has proven their success elsewhere and so then that for sure guarantees us that they're going to be effective here too... .

The reason I say that is because they had, apparently, two candidates, decided to reject them for some arbitrary reason that was pulled in after the fact (no "brag book", and reposted the ad.  As though they haven't defined specifically what they want in an employee, and then based their hiring criteria on that.  Either that or someone who knows someone just came in, and they want an excuse to hire that person, or they got someone from another company again, who knows.

As far as "feeling cursed" for continuing to run into these people... .I wouldn't blame yourself because I am coming to realize that they are everywhere!  The fact that you meet them I don't think means anything about you.  Maybe how a person deals with people like this is affected by their family of origin dynamics, past relationships etc... .but honestly, I've had a couple of bosses who engaged in bullying behaviour (I'm currently unemployed) and I think back to how others dealt with them, and I didn't really see any of their subordinates' behaviour that I could call healthy, optimal, or doing the best for the organization's performance.  

No, the best I saw was like the image of the duck on the water... .serene above the surface, but furiously paddling away underneath.  Working very hard, doing all their research (these tended to be the very intelligent "left-brained" analytical type people), staying quiet and out of the boss's way.

A couple of years ago I heard something very interesting on the radio on a program about workplace bullying.  There was a professor of organizational behaviour on, who said that companies that, in their hiring, select for high performing candidates, inadvertently select for bullies, because that is who survives and is able to perform in a hierarchical environment.  

[Sunfl0wer]

This is interesting to me because I attended a training last week for my work and the "teacher" seemed to be on some narcissistic power trip.  I found it quite triggering.  When others wanted to understand the importance of aspects of the training, he often stated, as if in jest, "do it so you don't get fired."

His approach to teaching was through "joking" comments of intimidation.

The class quickly learned that curiosity and attempts at understanding were not welcomed.  I was shocked at the way the rest of the group responded and seemed to go into sheep-le mode.  (With the exception of one other gal that I instantly clicked with.)

I just couldn't believe the dynamic and approach to "teaching" that I was observing.

[truthbeknown]

eeks:

thanks for the reply.  What is interesting is that you referred to the duck analogy.  I worked for a CEO in the past that would come to our office and ask for me by name.  He would say, "are you fired up"? when i didn't respond with excitement he wondered why until one day i used the analagy: "i'm like a duck, calm on the surface but paddliing like crazy underneath."   He really understood me after that

Come to think of it, he did tell me that because the company had been bought by a private equity fund that this could turn out to be another contract position for me (my last two have been).   So possibly there was something involved with that but in either case i'm feeling much better about it now even though i was stressed by the encounter and it triggered the control issues I've experienced in the past.

Sunflower:

one of my best friends refers to the sheep-le people.

I once took a training for professionals where the instructor was a famous author and was teaching a healing modality.  After 10 minutes into the seminar, people got up and left because he was so crass.   During the training he would yell at people, "no , no , no you're doing it wrong."    Not what we expected from an energy healer.   

Consequently, i don't take anymore of his classes but some people i know would submit to his egoic ways and go along with it in the name of learning.