i want to STAY, and I want to be happy with my BPD

[herMUSE]

Ugh, This is the 5th time that I have tried to post a thread... .maybe its not meant to be. Last TIME; If you are reading it, we have LIFT off!

Anyway,... .Please excuse me if I am all over the place with this thread as I am slightly overwhelmed by my findings today and found this place as a form of outlet, a place for understanding and knowledge. I am not a BPD, but someone that I love is. My friend/partner I believe strongly has BPD even tho she has not outright and openly said 'I have BPD'... .her social media posts told me otherwise! After deciding to actually look at the acroynms that were on her social media, It was like a whole new world opened up to me. My emotions started running really high and I couldn't control the tears. Shes not only my best friend but she is literally the love of my life. It is probably one of the hardest things to watch someone you love crumble into self destruction and not knowing what to do because they refuse your help to understand.

In the 2 years that I have known her - our friendship/relationship has been anything but smooth - well I take that back, Its either REALLY GOOD, or REALLY BAD. It went from " lets be friends" to "lets date", "lets break up", "be my friend", "oh,... .lets date?"... ."no lets be friends" to ... ."I don't think I can live without you lets try to re spark our relationship" to where I currently am now which is her convincing me that she did me a "justice" by breaking up with me and Im currently sitting on the hour-glass in "emotional time out". I feel like I get that whenever I talk to her about my concerns or I start to trip when I don't talk to her for a week.

Our first split up was about 8 months. We both dated other people but I was still madly in love with her trying to make another relationship work. After we were able to reconnect on a friend level it wasn't very long before we were back on a relationship level. Currently we have been split now for about 3 months... .and sometimes it seems to get harder, and other days, it just seems like i know what to expect... .aka EMOTIONAL TIME OUT!

My thought process today really has me questioning everything that I have seen with my eyes and everything that I have heard with my ears. It makes me wonder what is real, what is fake and if I am getting the real her or the 'her' she is trying to pacifier me with.

You have to know going forward in this thread that I love myself emensly. Not in the vain/im cocky way either. I love myself to know what I am worth and to make sure that I am not sacrificing more than what I am allowed and not stretching myself too thin to meet unmeasureable expectations. However, I really love her, more than I have EVER loved someone in my life; and the scariest thing is that for once in my life I want to be that 'girl' who really does right by someone, to do right by her.

My ultimate goal for being here is to learn how to love my BPD; because clearly Im doing it all wrong. **she keeps running** to educate myself so that we can have a relationship that works for us. I am completely open to understanding everything, I am like a sponge. I want to know so I am open to feed back!

Hopefully her and I will be one of those wonderful success stories on your board.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mindwise]

Hi herMuse,

No pwBPD or relationship dynamic is identical but you might want to consider the following.

1 - Take care of yourself

2 - Make a list of what you look for in a relationship. Define your goals+values and stick to them.

3 - Regulate your emotions and accept the present situation.

4 - Never argue or let things escalate into heated discussions. Always listen attentively, validate her feelings and emotions and speak your truth calmly and from a place of love.

5 - Strong boundaries is key. Choose wisely when to communicate them. Always speak from a place of love but with confidence. Stand your own ground but be loving.   

6 - Don't pursue or go along if your partner changes the terms of the relationship (i.e.: "let's just be friends".

7 - Practice infinite patience. If your partner needs space, give it to her and go on with your life. 

8 - Learn the power of validation

9 - Be ready to walk away if your partner abuses you

Working on personal growth can bring major improvements to the relationship and if your partner is self aware then it might be possible to reduce those "really bad" phases. If "she keeps running" stop pursuing and let her come to you at her own pace. Read as much as you can, online and offline. There's plenty to absorb and it takes time to understand BPD.

Best of luck,

MW

[an0ught]

Hi herMuse,

- continue to be yourself. The biggest long term risk in this relationship is that you bend to her whims or start walking on eggshells. You as you are right now are attractive - don't forget that.

- limit yourself to manage risk and prevent yourself going to extremes when it is not called for i.e. boundaries

- learn to avoid invalidation and to validate well. Truly understand her deeper including her darker side. Work through the corresponding workshops. The better you know her the better you will understand what will work for both in terms of relationship of you and what won't.

I guess I'm repeating the good advice of mindwise  . So let me add a new aspect:

- happiness can't be controlled. Pain can't be controlled. Respect and healthy communication are under our control.

- continue posting here. These relationships can confuse as over time perspective and boundaries can be warped. It is good to have a sounding board and a record to go back over time and to reflect upon.

[whitebackatcha]

I'm still learning as well, so I can't give advice. I will say I completely understand what you're going through. My pwBPD has ended things so many times, it's ridiculous. I used to chase like mad, but I have slowly gotten tired of disrespecting myself in that way. It has gotten to the point where the best chance the relationship has of lasting requires me to have better boundaries, because I don't have the energy to keep putting up with being treated poorly. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. All the love songs are for her, it's crazy. I also want to be the girl who gets her and doesn't reject her. I hear that is a bad reason for staying, though. But I understand.