the guilt and confusion

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do you deal with these feelings?

Its tearing me apart... .the abusive threats, to telling me he is sorry and loves me and doesnt want to lose me, to saying he has written suicide notes if i dont love him, to saying i have always been horrible and never nice to him, to more threats, to the opening up of feelings, to verbal abuse and then guilt trip on leaving after opening up.

Then there is the realisation that the person you loved so much and thought was so amazing and genuine seems to be dead or a lie... .

[klacey3]

How do you deal with these feelings?

Its tearing me apart... .the abusive threats, to telling me he is sorry and loves me and doesnt want to lose me, to saying he has written suicide notes if i dont love him, to saying i have always been horrible and never nice to him, to more threats, to the opening up of feelings, to verbal abuse and then guilt trip on leaving after opening up.

Then there is the realisation that the person you loved so much and thought was so amazing and genuine seems to be dead or a lie... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey klacey3, One way is by recognizing when a pwBPD is attempting to manipulate us through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), in one or more forms, sometimes all three at the same time.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation and most of us Nons (including me) are pretty naive when it comes to F-O-G.  My suggestion: Don't fall for it.  LuckyJim

[klacey3]

Hey klacey3, One way is by recognizing when a pwBPD is attempting to manipulate us through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), in one or more forms, sometimes all three at the same time.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation and most of us Nons (including me) are pretty naive when it comes to F-O-G.  My suggestion: Don't fall for it.  LuckyJim

I dont know if it is manipulation or truth  the suicide letters I am not sure what they are... .

He is completely different now to how he was in the first year

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, klacey, I understand how incredibly stressful it is when one's SO talks about suicide.  My BPDxW threatened suicide at least 15 times and claimed to have left various letters.  I was so upset that I went directly to our local hospital twice to meet with the folks in the behavioral health unit (didn't know what else to do).  In some ways, suicide threats are the ultimate manipulation, because even though you know that 99% of the time they are a cry for help, that remaining 1% can really scare the [heck] out of you, or it did me.   The bottom line is that you are not responsible for another person's life.  If someone really wants to carry it out, there's not much you can do to prevent it.  So, try to let your SO take care of himself, like any other adult.  It's hard, I know, but I suggest that you let go of trying to control another adult, even though I know your heart may tell you otherwise.

LuckyJim

[klacey3]

Hello again, klacey, I understand how incredibly stressful it is when one's SO talks about suicide.  My BPDxW threatened suicide at least 15 times and claimed to have left various letters.  I was so upset that I went directly to our local hospital twice to meet with the folks in the behavioral health unit (didn't know what else to do).  In some ways, suicide threats are the ultimate manipulation, because even though you know that 99% of the time they are a cry for help, that remaining 1% can really scare the [heck] out of you, or it did me.   The bottom line is that you are not responsible for another person's life.  If someone really wants to carry it out, there's not much you can do to prevent it.  So, try to let your SO take care of himself, like any other adult.  It's hard, I know, but I suggest that you let go of trying to control another adult, even though I know your heart may tell you otherwise.

LuckyJim

Let go of trying to control another adult?

But I am not trying to control him, I am trying to help him. It would make sense if he was depressed enough to do it because I have always felt he had no motivation in life and no sex drive etc and he has got alot of things to be unhappy about tbh. But I see what you say about manipulation... .I mean he didnt tell me randomly and start crying and want comfort, he threated me with "i've had bad thoughts since I thought we would never be together" "if i dont see you by ... .then I will **** you over mentally and you will see what i am capable of" when i was asking him what he would do he came out a few days later explaining he meant suicide but changed his mind as he realised it was a stupid idea.

Sorry you had to go through something similar  I feel your pain.

[Lucky Jim]

Right, he threatened you, which is the F (fear) part of FOG.

Then he tried to guilt-trip you, which is the G (guilt) in FOG.

In so many words, he said you owe him, which is the O (obligation) part.

You may think you are trying to help, but he is manipulating your emotions to coerce you into helping him.

As you noted, he didn't randomly start crying, seeking comfort from you.

Helping someone who fundamentally doesn't want your help is a form of control, I suggest.

Somehow, you have to let go.  Let happen what is supposed to happen.

LJ

[klacey3]

Right, he threatened you, which is the F (fear) part of FOG.

Then he tried to guilt-trip you, which is the G (guilt) in FOG.

In so many words, he said you owe him, which is the O (obligation) part.

You may think you are trying to help, but he is manipulating your emotions to coerce you into helping him.

As you noted, he didn't randomly start crying, seeking comfort from you.

Helping someone who fundamentally doesn't want your help is a form of control, I suggest.

Somehow, you have to let go.  Let happen what is supposed to happen.

LJ

I don't understand, why manipulate me into helping him if he doesnt want it?

If you say i am controlling him because i am trying to help him if he doesnt want it isnt that everyone who has been with someone self destructive or lacking capacity? In my eyes I was trying to help as I care.

[UserName69]

He doesn't want help he wants control and probably attention this is the same thing my exBPD did. It's a game he's playing with you, don't fall for it. It's not your fault for what happened. I bet everyone one this board will agree with this, you simply can't have a healthy relationship with a pwBPD. That's why the most of us left their partners.

How is he sending you these threats? Maybe you should go no contact and block him from your life, now he wants attention as soon you give him what he want he's going to become distant. You really need to move forward, it's not an easy thing to do, it's hard but not impossible but one day you'll be over him.

Once he know's that his games don't work on you he's going to use a different strategy, maybe cheat on you or ignore you. Those are the kind of things my exBPD did, since I didn't even care about her I didn't feel guilty and you shouldn't feel guilty nor responsible for his actions.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Klacey,  I am so sorry you are going thru this and know it is hard.   I concur with what the others have told you.   My ex contacted me over 450 times in abt 4 months.   He threatened it all... .suicide,  jail,  homelessness,  my reputation,  my boss,  my kids.   Which alternated with the most loving,  pleading,  heartfelt texts.   But I was certain it was all a ploy.   And that he would say ANYTHING to get me to respond.   I did not.   Even when he said he was abt to kill himself.   I did nothing.   I did not call a friend to check on him.   I did not call the police.   And sure enough he pulled thru only to hateful y threaten my well being a few hours later.   

This is hard stuff.   NC was the ONLY way for me.  The only way out of the FOG.   

[klacey3]

Klacey,  I am so sorry you are going thru this and know it is hard.   I concur with what the others have told you.   My ex contacted me over 450 times in abt 4 months.   He threatened it all... .suicide,  jail,  homelessness,  my reputation,  my boss,  my kids.   Which alternated with the most loving,  pleading,  heartfelt texts.   But I was certain it was all a ploy.   And that he would say ANYTHING to get me to respond.   I did not.   Even when he said he was abt to kill himself.   I did nothing.   I did not call a friend to check on him.   I did not call the police.   And sure enough he pulled thru only to hateful y threaten my well being a few hours later.   

This is hard stuff.   NC was the ONLY way for me.  The only way out of the FOG.   

Hello,

Thanks for the response. It is hard not to feel the guilt. "I knew i would open up to u and u would leave immediatly" in reality he threatened me... i asked what he was implying and he said suicide.  He told me to guilt trip me most likely. He had the whole of our relationship to tell me about his depression, he chose to tell me in a threat that i had to contact him and meet him...

Ah I know I am rambling sorry!

Sorry you went through something similar. Did you feel guilty about not replying? How long did it take for the situation and your feelings on it to disappear?